Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness
Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as good/positive and thus fear losing this definition of myself within believing that without this self definition I will be lost/gone, not realizing that the definition I have of myself, based on the values/morals I was brought up as, as part of my family/society , is within a polarity of good/bad, right/wrong, and thus based on judgment of the mind, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by living as a self definition I am not allowing myself to actually see me, as know who I actually am, because my perception has been tainted through the desire to fit in what I believe to be desired/accepted by the society/family within the norm/value system , thus I have allowed myself to mold myself into a definition I believed to be suitable for me, thus suppressing myself as who I really am, as not allowing myself to see the parts of self that don't fit into that predefined mold, as not allowing myself to even know the totality of who I am in fact, in order to hold on to a definition I have created as myself, without considering anything else besides my perceived survival, not realizing that by allowing myself to be directed by the fear of survival I have actually sacrificed myself as life, and thus now, instead of allowing myself to expand as life and change within the principle of what is best for all life, I have trapped myself in self created and accepted definitions that I have created as a survival mechanism within self interest not considering myself as life and all as life in equality, allowing myself to exist and participate within/as the mind as separation of myself and reality as a whole
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a definition, as a one dimensional, static, based in the past, 'dead' definition instead of realizing myself as life, as a live, dynamic, ever changing, ever expanding, multi dimensional living being that is by definition indefinable because any definition would be a form of limitation/enslavement and thus not align with or supportive of life as who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the definition of myself as good/positive within believing that it actually defines who I am, not realizing that who I am is not in fact limited to a definition and that existing as a definition is based on self diminishment as a mind manipulation to keep me enslaved within separation ad not know/realize who I am as life, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing definitions I believe to be true within/as my reality, as the religion of self as the religion of knowledge, as I have based my point of view on these definitions/beliefs and if I am to change the definition/perspective I have on reality it would mean I have to change myself as my point of view will change, within this I realize that there exist a fear within me as to not wanting to change myself, where I want to change without changing due to fear of change, due to fear of stepping out of the comfort zone of what is familiar as how I know reality to be, and to step into a new unfamiliar experience of the world and my reality through the new/corrected definition/perspective, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change, and within that to allow myself to be limited as who I believe myself to be, not allowing myself to expand/grow/change within realizing that what I believed to be true doesn't stand, and thus must be let go of, in order to find a new and more accurate, more supportive, more applicable definition/perspective that actually supports self as life and all as one as equal and doesn't support the polarity of the mind, as comparison / limitation / judgment / abuse, I realize the world that exist today must change, and thus all definitions/perspectives that create the world must be changed in order to "make room" for a new definitions/perspectives that actually takes all life into consideration and supports life as what is here in the physical reality and not supports the mental alternate reality of the mind in definitions / judgments / limitations / beliefs / comparison...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do everything in my ability to protect the definition of myself as good/positive, within this allowing myself to disregard myself as who I really am within the deepest/hidden parts of me as to ignore myself as the evil that exist within/as me as to remain within the self belief of being good/positive, not realizing that through not allowing myself to see the totality of who I am, and only existing within the narrow definition I have created for myself, I am in fact suppressing myself in order to exist/live as an idea, which is really silly when you think about it - I have preferred to live as an idea instead of allowing myself to be/live/express the totality of myself and within that to will/push myself to change anything that isn't aligned with what is best for all within the principle of equality and oneness. so basically, instead of changing myself from within to be aligned with what is best for all within equality and oneness, as being the person I want to be, a person of dignity that supports all life in fact, within and without, I have suppressed myself, and thus actually hiding from myself those parts of myself that require attention and correction, so instead of changing I have suppressed, not realizing that as long as I suppress myself I am still directed/enslaved by the points of suppression that I am hiding from myself, because of the fear of letting them come out, not seeing the influence they still have on me through allowing them to still be a part of me through deliberate suppression, so within this I realize the self sabotage pattern of keeping myself confined to a narrow self definition as a way to actually keep me enslaved to all the darkest most evil parts of me that are actually the directive principle of me as long as I don't face them and accept myself as them to, through accepting the totality of myself, without any judgment, change myself, through writing, self forgiveness, and breath, until I am standing stable as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought/idea of changing the definition I know of frequency, within believing that the definition I have is the only one that could ever be valid, not allowing myself to consider that all that exists now in the world is based on the current accepted definitions, and thus to change what is here we must allow ourselves to change any and every definition into that which supports life and is best for all, if we want to create a world that is best for all. I realize that the world is a reflection of all the definitions we accept within it, and thus all definitions must be investigated and redefined as to what is best for all, thus within realizing this I now see that any resistance I have towards changing a definition of any word is based in self interest, as I don't want to change the word because I don't want to change myself within/as the word, due to believing that I benefit from how things are as it is, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself and all within resisting the change and redefinition of words, and thus not allowing myself to consider changing the definition of 'frequency', I see within this I have attached an energetic value to the definition I have of 'frequency' as it symbolizes my studies, it symbolizes my intelligence, it symbolizes my knowledge, and that is what I fear letting go of - I fear letting go of the advantage I have over others because I have knowledge as to what is frequency, thus desiring a superior position of knowledge, instead of allowing myself to be humble, and to learn/create/accept the new definitions together, within only one point to direct as a living principle as what is best for all, putting a side all self interest as wanting to be smart/intelligent/superior, and to focus on the only thing that matters - equality and oneness as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself within giving up a definition of myself or of something I believe to be true, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the experience that I can be lost through losing/giving up a definition, not realizing that within this I am making a statement that I am the definition, a one dimensional, static, based in the past, dead definition, and not a live, dynamic, ever changing, ever expanding, multi dimensional living being, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to a definition within the accepted belief of myself as a definition I have created myself as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within fear and resistance when I experience/believe I am about to lose/change my definition of myself or of something in my world, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved to the definition within allowing myself to be directed by it, in defense of it, not allowing myself to be here within/as breath, in every moment and as the change of definition come to allow myself to look at it without fear, simply to see what is here within common sense as I allow myself to be the directive principle of myself and my reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected / told what to do, because within my interpretation of the situation I am being defined other than how I would like to define myself as, and within that I experience inner conflict as to who I am and how I am being seen, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a limited experience of myself and within that to protect this experience of myself within reaction as blame and anger towards others/situations that challenge myself within the limited experience I have accepted as myself, instead of allowing myself to let go of the experience as the familiar definition I have of myself and allow myself to expand / grow / change, accepting any and every change as a gift and allow myself to be grateful to any and every correction, challenge as to only through these points, of what is now still experienced as inner conflict, will I ever be able to see myself and change into a living being that is self directive, self honest and within that self supportive and supportive of all as life in equality and oneness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought/idea of changing the definition of frequency within fear of not knowing any thing anymore, not being able to trust anything that I believe to know, within fear of not being able to trust anything that I have trusted and have defined myself as all my life, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as life, here, stable, standing, and instead to place my trust in knowledge and thus when this knowledge is challenged I experience it as I lose the grip of myself instead of remaining standing as I am here, regardless of the knowledge and definitions we use to explain/express reality - reality, as myself, is here, it doesn't need to be defined, definition is only a practical tool for communication, it is limited within it's application, and thus is used for communication but doesn't actually define anything, it is just an idea, a concept, within this I realize that I, as life, am not a concept or idea, thus I realize that changing the definition is using the same tool in a different way, to explain and expand the understanding, in order to provide a more clear view of reality, but that is what it is, a view, and not reality itself, same as me, the definition of me can only show/explain an aspect of me, it will never actually be me, as I am not a definition, I am alive, as life
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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness
Within investigating the fear dimension of the character "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" ,Within looking at the different aspects of the fear dimension, I find that they are all basically based in an inner conflict regarding my self definition, as I fear losing the self definitions I have created myself as, of how I see/define myself and be seen /defined by others as good / smart / competent / special / extraordinary / unique, within this I see that I believe I am dependent on this self definition/judgment for a positive energetic experience within myself, and I fear/reject the experience of being defined/seen by myself or by others, as the other side of the polarity, as bad/stupid/slow/boring.
Today an interesting thing happened, I was listening to the quantum mind interviews and they explained the construct of positive and negative energy, and spoke about the frequency of the positive and negative energy. Now, I have knowledge about frequency from my physics studies, and I couldn't let go the definition I held in my mind for frequency, as I was told that we are redefining the word frequency I totally reacted.
It happened so fast and I was in tears, in a moment I was possessed by emotion, I didn't want to let go the definition I had for frequency, I wouldn't consider the possibility that it could be defined differently, I saw in my mind how my friends would look down at me for believing this nonsense, as we all studies physics together and "know" the truth about frequency and energy.
I see within this that I have defined myself as an intelligent person and fear losing that self definition as it is "who I am", and I hold onto this definition thanks to my degree, as a certificate, proving I am smart and knowledgeable. How will I let this knowledge go? Who will I be without the confirmation of my intelligence? What stability do I have if all that I know can be redefined and changed?
I realize that as long as I hold on to any definition I am not free to explore and investigate any new and perhaps more effective ways to look at things/reality, I cannot change if I hold on to the definition I have of things, ad the same goes for definitions I have of myself. I see the ridiculousness of becoming emotional over not wanting to let go a definition of a word, such a random word "frequency" what attachment have I placed in this word? What does this word mean to me? Due to my immediate and one could say, extreme reaction, I also realize the depth of the point, this word represents to me my religion of science, it represents to me my certified intelligence, it represents to me the ground of which I walk on as what I know to be real and true, it represents a stability, a knowing, and by letting it go I would be groundless, what would be my foundation?
Within facing the point of being corrected / told what to do, my self definition is challenged and there for I experience inner conflict, as I define myself in one way and then through my interpretation of the feedback I get from the environment I see the cracks in my self definition, I see that it doesn't hold. I want to be seen as good / right / smart / interesting… but I am interpreting the situation as being seen as bad / wrong / stupid / boring...
Today, through the incident with the redefinition of the word frequency, my self definition was challenged as well. I wanted the new information to be aligned with the old, I wanted to not have to give anything up, I wanted it all to make sense without having to change my view, perspective, and thus myself, I wanted to be the one that had it right to begin with. I know it doesn't make any sense, because I realize nothing will change if I won't allow myself to expand as I let go of old definitions, as I redefine words as myself, I realize we need to use the words we have and not invent new words but rather redefine what is here, to align our words as ourselves as what is best for all in equality, to allow ourselves to change our point of view because obviously how we see things at the moment, and how we live in this reality isn't getting us anywhere except for that much closer to a self created hell, I realize it's about taking who I am and changing myself, redefining how I view the world/reality in order to bring about a different/supportive outcome, a different outcome than what is here, as what is being manifested at the moment, and I realize that in order to have a different outcome we must make changes, I can't expect to keep everything the same but have different results.
It was a fascinating experience today, and I am grateful for having it, it's amazing how quickly I reacted in fear, like I was losing myself, how intensely I reacted for having a definition of a word being taken away from me, having what I have based my self definition of me, taken away from me, not even taken away, but even just the thought - but I guess this is where all this point exists, as a thought / fear / interpretation as the mind, if I hadn't gone into my mind I could have been here within/as breath and be open to hear what is being said, I could have learned something new, I could have challenged my understanding of what I believe to be the truth, I could have expanded within the possibility of using a word in a different way, instead of closing up into myself and resisting and resenting everything, so quick did I go in my mind to spitefulness and blame, all in the name of defending myself, as the mind, as the religion of knowledge, in complete disregard of myself in fact as who I really am, as life, as indefinable as one dimensional, but a multi dimensional ever expanding, ever changing and yet always here and the same, how can I diminish myself to a definition, and then protect it, fight for it?
This was a "small" point that came up today, but I see this within me everyday, where I am defending myself, the definitions I am familiar with, the reality I am use to believing, instead of letting all of it go, I mean, what is real doesn't need me to believe in it to be, there is no fear of lose if what I believe is an actual truth that is independent of my belief in it, thus the fear of loss indicates that what I fear is a lie, or there would be no fear to begin with.
I'll continue investigating this point of fear of losing myself, in blogs to come
thanks
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Sunday, November 4, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension – Part 1
Within the fear of failing is see that I have defined failure as a "detrimental mistake", a mistake or series of mistakes that determines the end result of an activity / application/project as a failure. Within this I see that I have defined failure as deterministic / final / complete / done / finished, as the accumulation of the efforts that have been put into a project / activity have resulted in nothing, a failure, a waste of time.
I've attached a negative energetic charge to failure, I have deemed it as "bad" by definition, this is what we are taught from a very young age through the schooling system, and thus within seeing / defining failure as bad, if one fails then one might attach the negative charge and identify it with oneself as a self definition, and thus by failing, one might define self as bad/wrong/stupid/a failure.
Within failing I see a point of giving up - to fail one must first give up, other wise they would try again and again, thus once one defines failure would be at a point of stopping, a giving up. I see within this a point of self diminishment, as giving up would come from the self belief that one cannot do it, one has tried and tried and now they believe it's time to give up and thus define the project/activity and themselves as a failure. As if one is defined by the outcome of their efforts, and not by the starting point… interesting...
In regards to "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" I find that when I am being corrected I react to it as if I have failed, and within that accept within me an experience of giving up, thus I allow myself to participate in self diminishment, instead of looking at the point/correction in common sense, and not allowing myself to go into giving up / self diminishment, and simply allow myself to correct myself, within this I see that when I do give up and go into self diminishment I am more likely to believe my own self diminishment and not do as well the next time, creating a loop of failure that feeds off of itself, and so I pave the way before me for failing, thus creating my fear through participating in the fear itself.
Failure can only exist within the polarity of fail/success, thus must be investigated as all polarities are mind driven/created, so, how do I remove the polarity from the construct of failure? Failure, from a common sense, practical perspective, can be seen as a directive decision to stop/end a project due to practical analysis that it is not worth pursuing any longer for practical/physical reasons, not from a starting point of giving up within the experience of self diminishment, but simply from a starting point of for example, looking at the time one has and making a self directive decision to use ones time more effectively in a different project, or acknowledging that the idea/project isn't holding up and thus deciding to investigate other options/solutions/ideas - the point being to let go the giving up experience within it, letting go the "bad" feeling/association attached to it, and not doing it from a starting point of self diminishment as well as not defining oneself accordingly as unworthy/failure, thus not attaching the decision to end a project to ones definition of self.
The same goes for success, where it is seen as positive, but actually it is simply a project/application/task that came to it's completion - no polarity or energetic reaction necessary.
In context of the principle of that which is best for all, there is no polarity nor energy attached to any of this, as it is all done within the starting point of what is best for all, and thus if a project is stopped or continued until completion would be in consideration of what is practically evident and within consideration of what is best for all, and would not be based on ego or self diminishment.
So, as with the point of fear of making mistakes, through taking away the "bad" connotation one has with making mistakes, what remains is an opportunity to learn and expand and thus apply oneself more effectively through it, same goes here, once removing the polarity of failure/success and looking at it from a starting point of what is best for all, as removing all the positive/negative connotations and removing the emotional/self diminishment/giving up/ego starting point, what remains is a project/task that has been decided to be stopped through applying common sense as evaluating the situation practically and without any energy attached and without connecting self's definition to the point at hand.
I will continue with self forgiveness on this point in my next blog
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Friday, September 28, 2012
this is a follow up to my previous blog: Day 43 - Signs of Depression
For me, my feeling/self belief of worthlessness comes up a lot through comparison and competition, I see around me very effective/successful human-beings, effective and successful through my perspective of course, and then I compare myself to them, I evaluate myself according to them, and more often than not I deem myself less than them, and thus worthless. Obviously, in order to create myself as self worthlessness I do not compare myself to just any one, I select a few that I perceive them to be effective/successful and judge myself according to them. And not even according to them but rather according to specific aspects of them, the specific aspects that I value and admire within them. I will judge myself in relation to these specific aspect within them, not allowing myself to see it is just specific aspects that I am looking at, but will perceive it to be the total definition of both them and myself, and then the result of this will be judging/defining myself as being worthless.
If I was a scientist, I would gave to say that my research is pre determined and bias - I do not have a fair representation of population and I am not considering the entity of the being, but only looking at specific aspects within them, from a starting point of looking for proof that I am worthless and that exactly what I will find.
Just like with the endless cycle, here too I am heading myself in for a fall, I am creating the experience of worthlessness to myself and by myself, and then I forget I have created it and believe it to be the truth. All this instead of stopping allowing myself to abuse myself within participating and recreating the cycle of worthlessness, and to accept myself as life within realizing that I am here, I am alive, and I am not actually really defined by the ideas/opinions/definitions I have attached to myself and the same goes for anybody else. Non of us are actually defined by anything except for being equal as life, that is the only definition that can stand the test of time, and that seams to be the only thing that has been overlooked.
I see now that depression is connected to the point of self worth, as long as I do not value myself as equal to/as life I will always find ways to prove to myself that I am worthless and within believing myself to be worthless I am excusing myself from actually participating and taking responsibility for myself as this world, I realize that as long as I keep comparing myself to others through defining our value according to our skills I will keep on trapping myself in the cycle of self worthlessness, until I stop. Stopping within the understanding that any form of self diminishing is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself as who I am as life, and is in fact an endless cycle that leads me further and further from myself as realizing myself as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as self worthlessness
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life but instead I have allowed myself to exist as the mind within separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in the cycle of worthlessness, not realizing that the cycle can only go on as long as I believe it, participate within it and thus create it, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually be worthless through accepting myself as worthlessness and I haven’t allowed myself to see that believing I am worthless is an illusion of the mind created through comparison as separation to keep me trapped within/as the mind to never realize myself as life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am creating myself as worthless through my participation within the cycle of worthlessness through believing myself to be worthless and thus within this belief, I do not apply myself, do not push myself to excellence only to prove myself right, and thus allow myself to actually be worthless through not applying myself within/as the physical to create a world worth living in and to create myself as a being that is worth living through valuing myself as life as all life and supporting all life within allowing myself to exist as dignity and integrity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within participating within/as worthlessness to stop myself from actually doing all that needs to be done to create a world worth living in, a world that all life is equally worthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the self belief of being worthless as a justification to not push myself and do all in my ability to actually live as self worth because I have believed my own creation of self worthlessness and thus gave up on myself as the world without even trying to do/change anything, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life and all life as one, and within that to do all I can do to be worthy of life through creating a life worth living to all
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have always been creating myself as worthlessness, and thus have always had the ability to stop myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as worthlessness within self diminishment as self abuse as not allowing myself to expand and express myself as life because I have allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of being worthless and thus did not allow myself to challenge that idea of myself through always proving me right by remaining worthless in my actions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-value on my skills and abilities, and within that to evaluate myself according to others, thus to define myself as more or less according to whom I am comparing myself to, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as worthlessness through comparing myself to specific aspects/skills of others that I define better than me, and thus to intentionally compare myself to them to prove to myself my worthlessness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as worthless through comparing myself to others within finding points/aspects within them that they are better/more than me, and thus within looking at both of us through a very narrow lens that only sees this specific aspect I judge them as worthy and myself as worthless, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use comparison as a tool for self support to, through other beings in my environment, see how I can expand myself further, but instead I have used it as a tool of self diminishment as believing myself to be worthless in comparison to others, and thus not allow myself to expand within equalizing myself to them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself (and others) as good/bad and worthy/worthless through grading myself in relation to specific skills/abilities/performances that I have defined as important/valuable and within that have not allowed myself to see me within the totality of myself as life, not as a list of skills/abilities but as a living being that is valuable through the mere fact of being alive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life unconditionally but have placed a condition as a list of skills/performances that one must exist as to deserve the right to live as worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the extent of abuse that I am allowing within this construct, just as the world system that exist today that permits people a dignified life only within the condition of them being successful in the eyes of the system.
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of worthlessness, because I have seen the deception and abusive nature of this character and thus I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting myself as this character
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself go into comparison, and to direct any point within me towards self support within changing my starting point from comparison as self diminishment into comparison as self expansion
When and as I see myself giving value to skills/performances I stop and breathe, I realize that all are equal as life unconditionally, life doesn't require any skill/performance to exist as life and thus I commit myself to show that any value system, creating a grading skill as worthy and not worthy, is the source of all abuse within the current system as we have forgotten that all are equally alive and thus are equally valuable and equally worthy to a dignified/supportive life
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