Showing posts with label desteni i process. Show all posts
Showing posts with label desteni i process. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Here are the living principles that I stand by - I commit myself to persist in the process of becoming these living principles as the expression of myself.
2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all
3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa
4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others
5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others
6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well
7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others
8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own
9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me
10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE
11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone
12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today
13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves
14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one
15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.
16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come
17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth
18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.
19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath
20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me
21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without
22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all
23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth
Saturday, June 29, 2013
In yesterdays' blog i missed a main point - I wrote about possible starting points for asking a question with a hidden agenda, but I missed the following one, and I think it has actually been a dominant one in my experience - it's when I ask a question within the starting point of arrogance, as seeing the other from above, believing that I see something that they don't, and while it may be true I am not acting within a starting point of support but of separation and superiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act / believe myself to be superior to another when I see that I see something that they don't and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions within that starting point of arrogance and superiority instead of asking and speaking within a starting point of direct and clear communication, support and guidance.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as I see myself in others, my reaction towards others asking me questions is in fact a fear of being treated with arrogance and superiority as I have been treating others within my mind and within my reaction in my tonality and expression.
When and as I see myself asking / speaking from a starting point of a hidden agenda, I stop and breathe, bring myself back here and direct myself to slow myself down and communicate in breath, as to be clear and direct within what I am saying, and make sure that it is not within a starting point of arrogance / superiority / spitefulness. I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into any of these starting points when speaking to others, specifically when asking questions, to stop myself immediately and breath, I commit myself to breathe in silence until I am certain I am stable and can speak again within participating with the energy of the reaction and thus, making sure I am not creating un necessary back chat in the other's mind, and make sure I am not recreating the situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me within a starting point of superiority / arrogance / spitefulness / hidden agenda, I realize that as long as I react I am showing me that I have not yet cleared myself from that point, and thus, I commit myself, instead of turning to judgment, to turn to gratefulness as I am now able to see that this point is not yet clear within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me questions from energetic starting points, I realize that as long as I react I am showing myself that their comment moved me, and thus I commit myself to investigate why is this point a trigger point for me, and within this, I commit myself to do so in gratefulness for having the opportunity to see that I am unstable in regards to the point. And I commit myself to support myself through writing the point out and applying self forgiveness in self honesty until the point is clear and understood.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually stop myself and breathe before I react, thus, not allowing myself to do what is actually needed, as to stop and breath and return here, in order to prevent the energetic build up from accumulating and within it creating the aggression within me that I then express within my expression and communication
I commit myself to stop my participation when I see myself asking a question within a starting point of energy, I stop and breathe, and only when stable speak again.
I commit myself, when I am asked a question and I see myself reacting to it, to the how it's being asked, to stop myself and breathe, to allow myself to hear the question and remove all energetic attachment to it, and only listen to the words spoken, in order for me to actually hear if there is anything I can learn and expand from within the question, or if the other can learn and expand within such a conversation, and so I commit myself to direct myself within the conversation within a starting point of support as what is best for all
Friday, June 28, 2013
I hate it when people ask me questions and I can see / hear the undertone that they are actually questioning me, as they are not asking from a naïve starting point, but it's like they have something to say, but they won't just go ahead and say it, so they are asking questions that lean to what they really want to say.
I had that happen today, and clearly I reacted...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to someone asking me a question within creating an idea / belief that they have a secret agenda
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when believing someone has a secret agenda while asking me a question, to not allow myself to listen unconditionally but instead I react and resist what is being said
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for asking me questions within secret agendas instead of looking at my reaction and taking the opportunity to investigate myself and understand why am I allowing this to be a trigger point for a reaction such as anger
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the way the person is asking the question and whether they have secret motives or not, is no excuse or justification for me to react and "loose my cool", and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for their expression instead of taking it back to self and investigating myself within my accepted reaction.
I realize that my reaction towards someone asking me a question with a secret agenda indicated that I do it as well, and as I am sitting here typing this blog, I found myself doing it, asking a question in order to "get to something" it was very subtle - I realize that this isn't a point of right / wrong, because in some occasions it may be valid to direct the conversation in such a way, I realize it always has to do with the starting point - am I hiding something in fear as I tipi tow around a point instead of speaking clearly and directly, or am I doing so within directing the situation within consideration of all that are involved?
And so, I realize that when others do it, I cannot judge them because I don't know their starting point, all I can now see is my reaction to the situation - where in today's situation I saw that when they asked me the question and I reacted, it showed me that I wasn't clear on the point, and so I felt attacked and pressured - showing me that instead of walking in humbleness I am walking in pride and ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for questioning me within a hidden agenda within defining it as wrong and manipulative, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it's not about right or wrong but about the starting point of myself within the situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions instead of speaking directly within the starting point of fear of conflict, within tip towing around the other person
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that when others tip tow around me as they ask me questions, instead of getting angry with them in blame I can look at myself and consider my reactions
It's interesting how it is all connected, because the one asking me in fear, and tipi towing around the point instead of speaking directly does so in fear of my reaction, and all along that approach is what triggers my reaction… and from the other side, I react to how they are asking me so I answer with anger and impatient and blame them for how they do things, while all along giving them the justification for their initial tip tow as they see they were right to fear me because look at how I react, and so the loop continues…
Within this I also realize that since it is a loop I have an opportunity to stop my participation in it at every moment, and so, the only reason this loop continues is because I have continued to participate with it, while blaming the others in my mind that it's their fault and their expression that caused the problem to begin with.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own reactions and instead have accepted and allowed myself to hide in blame and thus to perpetuate the problem as the conflict and energetic reaction within myself and the other.
I'll continue with this point tomorrow
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I've been walking around this point for a long time, having the tools to support myself but not applying them, knowing exactly what I must do to help myself to step out of my own mind set of limitation and self despise, and support myself to walk here, with, as and for myself, in stability.
I've known these tools for years, and have been resisting applying them, thus resisting supporting myself, depriving myself of the support, it's like if I were a doctor and saw someone gasping for air and would deprive them of the support that I know I can give them and I can see how much they need - depriving self of the support self requires to stand up in stability it's self abuse, it's self hatred, it's self neglect - it's not acceptable and cannot be justified - and must be stopped.
Within myself I knew this all along, and thus, this knowing yet not applying, created inner conflict as knowing what I must do for myself and yet not doing it and so, instead of applying the tools of self support I have turned to self judgment and more self loathing as a form of punishment instead of simply becoming aware of myself not supporting myself and changing myself to live the self support I know I require - within this, I see that not supporting myself results in even greater problems, where, now, it's not just that I am depriving myself the support - in addition to depriving myself the support I am aware of what I'm doing and am hating myself for not supporting myself - so this one act of depriving myself the support I require and as a result judging myself for it, has a double impact of self abuse - and so, within not supporting myself I am playing straight into the mind's hands, as, by not supporting myself, I am creating more back chat, more judgment, and more energy thus increasing the problem that much more, instead of simply taking the physical actions of supporting myself to decrease the problem, and eventually to eliminate it. Which one must ask oneself - why am I not willing to do what is necessary to eliminate the problem? And the answer that follows is that one has not made a clear decision to change - and so, as long as I fear changing, as long as I fear losing myself more than what I actually have to lose by not changing - I will never change - and so, one must ask oneself, why do I fear changing? What have I got to lose? And the answer that follows is clearly nothing - I have nothing to lose but my self definition / belief / idea as who I am within the accepted limitation of who I am - which is such an odd thing, because that which I want to change within myself is that which I fear losing!?!?!?!?
So, what will it take for me to support myself? What must happen?
This point opened up today as I was faced with the physical reality of what would the consequences be if I do not start supporting myself, I experienced a breakdown over the smallest thing , and obviously, if I breakdown over the small stuff, one can only imagine how would I react to big problems / issues / decisions I may face - I experienced myself in such emotional instability that I couldn't decide the smallest decisions - so obviously I am not living as effectively as I can if I were to support myself to self realize, and stabilize myself - so I can see the level of instability I can easily reach over the little things, I can see the physical consequences of what's at stake and what I can lose, I can see the state of constant self disappointment for knowing I am not embracing myself, not supporting myself to become the best that I can be - I see all this, and I know I have the power and ability to give myself exactly what I need, to walk the process of self forgiveness to letting go of all of these self sabotaging patterns and rebirth myself as a being that is self supportive and trust worthy - so what am I waiting for?
So, here I am , starting over, committing myself to support myself or else - or else I will deem myself to feel miserable forever, deem myself to be unstable, deem myself to self judgment, deem myself to failure, deem myself to loneliness - I can either support myself to live here within breath in every moment, or I can kill myself a slow and painful death as I walk as the shadow of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself daily, even though I knew within myself that this support is vital for my well being, and thus I have deliberately deprived myself of the required support I knew I needed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of self support as writing myself to freedom, applying self forgiveness and self corrective statements, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of depriving myself of such support, or actually, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from supporting myself within playing the ignorant card, as within the excuse that I don't see , realize and understand the value of applying these tools, but in fact I do know the value, and that is why I have experience such inner conflict as I was trying to wake myself up to see that which I have been trying to ignore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push through the distractions as resistance to writing within the habit of having everything come easy, or not doing anything if it involves effort
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as someone that doesn't push through effort, and thus I have limited myself to only participate with that which is easy and not challenging, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how limiting this is and how I have deprived myself from expanding and growing within learning and pursuing new aspects that were not in my preprogrammed and automated path
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and accept my own self created limitation, instead of allowing myself to see the value of pushing through and proving to myself that I am limitless and can in fact do anything and learn anything as long as I am willing to walk the physical steps in practical application
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas about some things / chores / activities and define them as hard, and thus, to build up a resistance towards them, instead of simply walking in breath, the physical practical steps that are required to be walked to accomplish the specific point
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards such activities / responsibilities / chores, that I have not yet learned to do and thus within believing the idea I have in regards to them prevent myself from even trying to walk through them in fear - instead of letting go all ideas and simply walking the point practically in physical steps, within breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived like this al my life, and thus to have lost many opportunities I had because I feared pursuing them in believing an idea, instead of walking through life in breath, in physical reality, in finding solutions to any problems that come along instead of antisipating problems and within fear going the other way
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to walk here in breath, and thus, not trust myself to solve any problems that comes along, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to try to guess possible problems in anticipation and anxiety and thus to exist in my mind instead of here in reality where I can practically prepare myself to over come any obstacle.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
It's a fascinating process - realizing that all that I define myself as and live by is only but a self created self belief, and that I have the power and the ability to question these self beliefs and, when and as I find that the self belief is of a self sabotaging nature as most are, to then change it, stop my participation with it, stop believing in it as the truth of me, stop following it and accepting it as the only reality of myself.
Having said that, the self belief I am currently facing is the belief that I require external motivation to get myself moving effectively - such as having someone telling me what to do, or having a boss that is looking out at me and will judge my actions, or having a partner that my actions directly influence them and thus they will be there looking out, making sure that I do my job - I see that by having such external points of motivation, I will motivate and move myself to actually get my responsibilities done within the starting point of wanting to please them and gain their validation, positive confirmation and approval, and simultaneously to avoid conflict and disappointment.
In other words, I have allowed myself to be directed by this self belief in such a way that if I am my own boss, where I can only disappoint myself, I am less likely to motivate myself effectively and to ensure that I apply myself to the best of my ability and complete my responsibilities -- sadly this implies how much I have been diminishing myself as my self value and self worth, as I value others more than myself, as I am willing to disappoint myself but not others, I am willing to brake my own word to myself and not stand within my responsibility when it hurts / effects me, but not others… obviously there is a deeper meaning and explanation rather then it just being how I value others more than myself, as I realize all this form of self sabotage is rooted in self interest, and thus actually is not about 'them' but rather about me at all times - but this is a topic for another blog...
Now, I realize that if I can be effective within a situation where external motivation is applied - this would mean that I do in fact have the capability of being effective regardless the situation, and thus the belief that I require external motivation is a self limiting belief, where through accepting it, I create myself in alignment to it and make it to be true - but when looking at this self belief critically - it doesn't even make any sense, because if physically and practically I am able to focus and be effective within one specific environment as when having external motivation, that implies that I have the capacity of doing so in any environment, as long as I let go the self belief that is limiting me from doing so.
I just had a conversation with a friend and they pointed out that sometimes instead of struggling to change one can support oneself in adjusting the environment to make it easier to function, and so if I believe I require external motivation, it's cool to see and admit to it within self honesty as seeing where I currently am, as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and then within realizing and admitting to this, one can support oneself with creating the environment that will best cater ones needs - this statement / idea / philosophy of his made me realize that there is a very fine line between being hard on myself, as banging my head against the wall so to speak, in trying to deliberately walk through such points into self change, and between taking the simple/physical/practical approach of accepting who I am as the self belief - I realize that walking this fine line is where self honesty is developed - this is where it's not a prewritten recipe with a right and wrong way to go about it - for example, I know I have been too hard on myself from the perspective that I have been allowing myself to judge myself and then my starting point was always within judgment, which created a form of struggle within my process, as if I am bad and must fix/change myself to deserve and be worthy of life - and my friend on the other hand has accepted his limitations and self beliefs and truly believes there is nothing to be done besides changing his environment/circumstances to suite him… I would like to learn to apply both, as to accept myself as who I am at this very moment within the accepted self belief, as this is where I am now, and from this point of awareness, of seeing clearly who I have created myself as, to realize that this self belief has power over me only as long as I allow it to, and from there to start a process of self investigation to understand the structure of the self belief, of my relationship to the self belief, to be able to let it go within self forgiveness and to not be enslaved to it any longer.
I have been judging myself and from a starting point of self judgment I have resisted to walk my process of self forgiveness, and thus have resisted to apply myself in writing and thus sabotaging my process of self change. I have been procrastinating writing with so many excuses and justifications, even though each time I have written it has been so supportive, and so, depriving myself from this support is simply a form of self neglect and abuse, as a form of a self statement of not being worthy of support due to the massive self judgment.
And so, I am here, and I stop the self abuse, I stop neglecting myself, I commit myself once again to support myself in writing, to open up the self beliefs, the thoughts, the patterns, one by one, within breath, slowly and surely until it is done. so here I am, starting over once again. Making the decision to take care of myself, to support myself and to free myself from the limitations, manipulation and abuse of the mind as I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as.
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Monday, May 20, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run and rush and within this to forget to breathe and thus to forget myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan my day in such a way where I end up rushing from one place to the next with out leaving myself any time to breathe
I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to move from one activity to the next while not being here in breath and thus separating myself from myself as breath and from the activity that I am participating in, within this I realize that I can walk through my day within breath in every moment and still tend to all activities doing so from a starting point of being here within and as self within and as breath
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow down within the activities I am participating in, and thus, to not allow myself to walk them breath by breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a form of anxiety as I move through out my day, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush within the anxiety as if to get it done with and finished with, instead of stopping myself in the moment the rush / anxiety comes up, and within breath move myself to complete the task / activity within awareness of my breath as the hereness of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a sense of importance as I rush through out my day, and thus from a starting point of ego and importance I sabotage myself and do not allow myself to slow down and breathe here, within the justification that what I'm busy with is so important, I must rush, and thus allow myself to distant from myself as breath
I commit myself to practice being here in awareness as breath within everything I do
I realize that building this self awareness as breath as the hereness of myself will take practice and consistency, and thus, I commit myself to return to breath time and time again
I commit myself to make note of flag points that come up through out the day, and to use them as reminders to stop and breathe and return to myself here
I commit myself to when I am typing my writings of the day, to slow myself down in breath, allow myself to be here as the words I type
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to even be here within and as myself as breath, and thus miss out on the one important and valuable thing in life - breath - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself with a sense of importance in regards to everything I do in my life, and thus to distract myself from myself as breath into the mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all that I can do for myself at this stage is to support myself in returning to myself as breath, to build myself from breath as life - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still be tempted and lured by the mind as desires and fantasies and back chat and judgments, and to instead of stopping my participation within and as the mind, I still allow myself to go into it and entertain myself with it - even though I have seen and realized that nothing good can come out of it
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Sunday, May 19, 2013
I just found some writings i had done when making the decision to leave the farm, re-reading it was interesting because i could see that I wasn’t honest with myself, not allowing myself to see what i want, because it clashed with what i expected myself to want, and within not admitting to what i want, i couldn’t investigate it and find the misalignments within it - the one thing I missed is the possibility of staying at the farm and changing my application - I was judging myself for not applying myself and my time there not being valuable, realizing that I am not being effective, but instead of changing myself I changed my location, within doing so, taking myself as the pattern of ineffectiveness with me, now - I could have stayed and applied myself and pushed myself to change and become effective and consistent, but instead I indirectly directed everything to leave on may 11th, within this, i used a conversation i had with bernard as the greatest justification to come to the decision that i did, not seeing that all he did was show me that which i wouldn’t allow myself to see, though only now i realize that, at the time i thought it was him approving and supporting my decision.. lol… so in a way i used his words to validate my decision when in fact his words only allowed myself to see who i was in that moment, and within not realizing this at the time, i simply went with that which i saw i wanted instead of investigating it and making sure it is the best decision i could make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to leave the farm instead of staying and making the decision to become effective
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the change I must push myself to walk as to become effective will be the same on the farm and here, and so all I did was postpone changing, bringing myself into a potentially harder situation instead of utilizing the support system I had at the farm
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this points clearly and within it to support myself in realizing that staying at the farm and applying myself effectively would be more supportive than leaving and walking the point of changing myself into becoming effective, here in the system - within this, I realize I can only walk the consequences of my past decisions, and so it is still up to me here as I walk to change myself and become effective, and it is still up to me to utilize the support that is available here for me, and so, I realize that it's not a point of making a mistake whether to leave or not, but simply a point to look at and learn from for making decisions in the future, and within this to realize that it really doesn't matter if I'm here or there, because either way I am here, with/within/as myself, and must walk all the points equally - so, really no harm done - only an eye opener.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct my decision from a starting point of excitement and desire, and thus not within common sense and practicality as making sure that all the points are in place effectively before moving to the next step
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the eagerness I experienced was actually a "fear of missing an opportunity" as I have experienced once before, thus allowing past events to direct me instead of directing myself here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry along with me the past event of missing an opportunity and thus to proceed in hastiness from a starting point of fear of missing out, rather then practicality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of missing out instead of realizing that by existing within the fear I am manifesting it into reality as I have proven to myself many times, that, that which I fear will manifest by and from the fear itself - and so, I realize that any step I take within the starting point of fear is bringing me that much closer to the failure / missing out / disappointment I fear so much - and thus - I stop myself here, and commit myself to investigate all points of fear in order to not follow them blindly but to through the fear, see more clearly and develop self honesty
When and as I see myself going into fear, and being directed by fear, I stop myself and breathe - I realize the fear will always only manifest itself into reality, and thus will never actually support me as who I am as life - and so, I commit myself to, when I see fear as part of my decision making, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here, I write out the point and within writing it allowing myself to be self honest within myself and see deliberately and directly that which I am missing and not allowing myself to see as the fear.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to know what I want and thus ask for advice when actually I know what I want to hear and feel a relief when I hear what I want - and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be honest with myself as to see that which I want, even and especially when it is not what I expect myself to want as it clashes with my expectation of what I believe I should have wanted
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and practice this realization that I must first be honest with myself as to see who I am in the moment, who I am within my relationship to a point, in order to from there see what I am allowing myself to be directed by - in other words, as long as I don't allow myself to face myself and see in self honesty who I am, I cannot correct myself and align myself as self support as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself who I am as what I want / desire / believe / hope within self judgment as expecting myself to want / need / desire / hope something else, not realizing that it's not what I want but the construct of the want that is the problem so to speak, and thus, the judgment towards one desire implies that another would be valid, thus validating the participation in desire of mind, rather than realizing that all desires are equal in their separation, and thus, as long as I exist in the realm of the mind as want / desire / believe / hope there is no point of judging myself but rather seeing it for what it is and letting it go within understanding that I, as life, do not require want / desire / belief / hope as separation from / as myself
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Monday, May 13, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
Day 198 - 21 days of self dedication - Self Value - self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not taking advantage of the time I had on the farm
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment as a fear of others judging me for not being effective / accomplishing anything in the time I had here at the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting my family / friends when I return, in fear of being judged for how I spent / what I had done with my time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into emotional possession as an experience of fear / anxiety / worry towards meeting the people back home and facing their criticism / judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with emotions as anxiety towards my return, instead of supporting myself in writing as to open up and see the point of self judgment being projected as the source of my emotional breakdown, and within this to apply self forgiveness in taking self responsibility to change in the points that require correction, and let go the points that are merely a mind created and false judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be effective in the time I had here at the farm, within not actually pushing myself in every moment to see / find / do something that will benefit me within self support
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of taking the time I had here at the farm, and making sure I use it as effective as I can, within realizing that time is only running in one direction, and that is out - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that time is not on my side from the perspective that every moment lost will never come back, and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act from within this understanding that there isn't much time though there is much work to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for wasting my time and the time of others here at the farm for taking the time in their day to give me all the support that I needed but I had take it for granted, expecting something to happen / change because they were supporting me, not accepting the fact that with all the support that I get, I must support myself and commit myself to myself and dedicate myself to myself in order for anything to happen / change in my world and experience / relationship of / with myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, even here in this supportive environment, to be self honest, to communicate in self honesty, and instead I have put on an act, trying to always keep my cool, trying to always seem ok, and only when the energy build up was too much for me to handle would I uncontrollably explode with emotion - thus, not using this supportive platform effectively, in learning how to communicate to others in asking for support, and in learning how to support myself when I see so clearly that something is building up within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my time at the farm according to an idea of how it should have been to have been effective and supportive and within that I am not allowing myself to walk my own process here within seeing in self honesty what it had in fact been, not in relation to an idea but in simply in reality, and within seeing what actually was to learn form it, as appose to judge myself for it based to comparing myself to an idea
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see all the insights and realizations I have picked up at the time I spent in the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not seeing / realizing, instead of simply leaving it as is, and within this allowing the realizations to come up from within me, and not from judgment / fear / expectation of the mind
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Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the feeling / experience of isolation to being alone, and within that to have attached a negative charge to being alone, with myself - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer not being alone, with myself, but to have placed more value on being with others - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others more than myself as I prefer their presence rather than my own.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself, and within it to enjoy my present - to be satisfied just being here within and as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must do something to earn value from, not allowing myself to embrace / accept myself unconditionally, but to judge my value according to what I do, and in relation to others
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize all life is equal, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that as long as I don't value myself, I am a living expression of inequality, whereas in equality all life has equal value and thus value loses it's meaning - thus, as long as I experience the pain / inner conflict of not seeing my own self worth / value, I am in fact participating in the expression and manifestation of inequality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know myself as unworthy / invaluable, within this, to put myself down, to sell myself short, and to accept / expect the worst - all within a starting point of not realizing myself as valuable as life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize my own self value, and to live according to it, instead I have been living and expressing myself in alignment with the experience of worthlessness, and thus not pushing myself outside of this loop, as I believe myself to be worthiness and then prove myself right by not living as a living example and expressing of worth / value - instead of stepping out of the loop, within forgiving myself for ever going into it, and within stopping my pattern of participation within it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate failure within the starting point of not seeing my self value, and within it to give up before I even try as to prove myself right
When and as I see myself going into the mind as back chat and future projection of failure, I stop myself and breathe, I note to myself what are the practical steps that I can currently take, and I act on them - when and as I see myself giving up before even trying, within not applying the practical steps but instead preparing the way towards failure - I stop myself and breathe - I push myself beyond my limits within realizing that it is these points of resistance that change is possible, and the only way to exist as valuable is to live as valuable
I forgive myself for accepting and alliwung myself to hold onto memories as justifications of not valuing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of family events / scenarios, where I have compared myself back the as less than, and here I am today, still using this memory against myself as proof of my inferiority - instead of putting a stop to it within not allowing myself to abuse and mistreat myself as such through the mind, but to stand up for myself and demand myself to be respectful towards myself, to honor myself, and it starts with letting go the memories that are emotionally charged, and within breath, considering the practical common sense of reality as the physical
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and apply that my mind cannot be trusted, and thus, I must walk only in the breath as what is here, and anything that comes from the mind as words in my head and emotions / feelings / thoughts / back chat / energy that comes up within me that I didn't direct - I must investigate, and if it isn't one with the principle of that which is best for all life, and within it best for self - I stop it, forgive it, let it go, and breathe
I realize I have been easy with myself, always going back to the painful comfort of the mind - this is actually another point of self worth / value - where I have created such judgment towards myself for not moving / changing within my process, that it has become another layer of unworthiness, within this I realize that it is a mind trap, and that by "feeling" that I have no value because I am not walking effectively, is not a step towards walking effectively and is not a step towards step value - a step in the right direction would be to write it out - and if I believe I have not yet begun my process - then simply begin it - make the decision - walk it, live it, commit to it, to self, to life - there is nothing to think about or judge simply do.
I realize from this perspective that yes, my value should be unconditional, lol, but even saying that is a form of judgment, isn't it?... And so, I realize that the more I apply myself the more valuable I become towards myself, the more I write I express self care and that speck of self value / worth enhances - and so, I commit myself to use the experience of worthlessness / feeling invaluable as a reminder to sit down and write, and care for myself and forgive myself and support myself, or to apply myself in any thing I have decided to do - this within realizing that the experience of being invaluable is like a black hole, that sucks me into a spiral of self pity - and only self support, practical physical action is the way to prove myself wrong and "snap out of it" in self direction and self honor.
In this, I commit myself, when I see that energy / back chat of worthlessness coming up, to shake it off with a physical action, such as writing, or self forgiveness - in writing or a loud, or an actual physical jump / walk / shake - to physically shake off and away the destructive sucking energy of worthlessness - and within it, I commit myself to live self worth
What is the expression of self worth / self value? It is self care, self support, self investigation, self forgiveness, self change and self honesty - anything otherwise is thus the expression ad manifestation of worthlessness, all of which I must terminate.
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Saturday, May 4, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
I've been walking this process with desteni for a while now, and I recently noticed that I've been dong it all wrong… lol…
What I mean is that I have been taking on the information and seeing the truth in it as a philosophy, and I even appreciate the practical application and see the validity and common sense within it - but I have not actually taken the actual real step of applying it for and as myself and testing for and as myself to see if it is actually a valid practical solution, as suggested to write and self forgive and so on.
So, in this process you get to see that all that you though was good in the world is not really, and that all that I believed about myself is not in fact who I am - and without the application of self forgiveness what I have done is taken all this information on as another way to judge and abuse myself - like now I have validation that I am as bad a fuck up as I believe myself to be - all the other groups / religions / methodologies / spiritualities that I have been involved with always had a nice twist to it all, and so you could always end up thinking of yourself that you are ok and that everything will be ok - here with desteni you get the harsh truth, and the point is to understand the mechanics of it, to realize that even this fuck up that we have become does not define us, and to through actual practical application of self forgiveness and self investigation in self honesty into finding practical and livable solutions to change oneself into becoming a being of integrity - so, I got the point, I saw the harsh truth, and I used it against myself, instead of APPLYING SELF FORGIVENESS.
Without self forgiveness as a basic tool in this process of self change, as letting go of the "who I am" that you believe yourself to be, and instead recreating yourself, rebirthing yourself as life, into an actual living being, that is not automated by destructive and abusive robotic patterns, but that actually lives for and as life, all life, equally.
How have I abused myself with this process? (Let this be a warning for all of you that may do this to yourself - don't!!!)
As I said, I saw all the "bad" things in the world, nothing that I thought was good was real anymore - I saw love as self interest, I saw friendships as deceptive, I saw myself as acting and never actually living as myself, and my thoughts -I saw how evil they really were, so much manipulation and fear and spitefulness, and judgment - wow, so much judgment…
Anyway, without the act of forgiving myself for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, without making a statement towards myself that I see who I have been and become and I direct myself to change myself into a being of self worth - without forgiveness there is no forgiveness, and then all there is, is seeing all this crap and bathing in it, judging myself for it, and going down a distractive spiral of self judgment - and doing so in the justification that I am walking process, preaching to anyone who will listen that I am walking a process of self change and sharing how this process is the best - when in fact all I have done with it is use it against me - it's interesting too, cause I have been getting feedback from my friends, from the very beginning of my walking, that I am being to hard on myself within this process, and I told myself that they just don't get it and just justified myself as being right, and everything I am doing is the right thing to do, I was on this high of "I found the path, you are all losers" - lol, but actually I was the loser, because I had found a path, I was convinced it was a worthy path to walk, yet instead of walking it for and as myself, I stood by it, watching other people going past it and judging them, or walking on it and comparing myself to them in inferiority asking myself "how are they moving so fast, and why am I not moving? What is wrong with me?" when I hadn't yet taken the step of making a clear decision of walking down this path, trusting myself within it - in this path, SELF FORGIVENESS is a necessary part of the path / process - I wanted to believe that it doesn't have to be, but 4 years later I am standing in the same, and other's that have been applying self forgiveness share their experience, and something is happening in their lives - they are changing. Can I say that about myself? I'm not so sure.
So if I were a scientist, my research shows, that walking next to process but not actually walking it for / as myself within actually applying the tools - has been found to be not effective - where as other people testify that walking the process for real, within an honest intention of self investigation and self change in self forgiveness - has been found to being very effective. So, as a scientist, I should now conduct a true experiment, to check for myself if this is true - if consistent application of self forgiveness within an honest intention of self investigation and self change, is actually effective.
I guess this is what my 21 days of self dedication is about - I am fed up with walking but not really walking this process - I have been on the farm for 8 months and it's fucking frustrating seeing myself not moving, not changing, not applying - the only thing is that everything is amplified here, so I see myself with more clarity - and it is not a lovely sight, as before, but with more clarity… and still, no self forgiveness means no self forgiveness - and what I require most is to forgive myself so I can start living with myself in peace, so I can start recreating myself and rebirthing myself as a life worth living.
This is way I state that I have misused the process, because I have taken something that could have been of great benefit for me, and instead of applying it, I have stood behind it and used it to justify my own continued self abuse / sabotage / judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misuse the desteni process as a platform of self abuse disguised as self support, not realizing that I am only sabotaging myself by doing so, and that I am creating a relationship with the process as not being effective, but in fact I have never given it a valid chance, so to speak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take al the "bad" realizations from what I've seen through the knowledge within the desteni process, and instead of walking it through a process of self forgiveness within realizing that only through forgiveness can I take responsibility for the point, as to let it go and change myself in relationship to it - I have seen the point and deliberately used it against me in self judgment / sabotage
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self realizations against me, as armor of self judgment / abuse, within justifying myself through holding onto the past that I am fucked and will not change so no point of trying - instead of taking a breath, realizing that even these thoughts are not coming from myself but are a result of my constant participation within / as the mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of self forgiveness effectively within fear / resistance towards change, as change would be a physical indication that I was in fact living a lie, and there is a point of ego as myself, as a point of "I want to be right" that is resisting change, as it would prove I was always ever wrong
I commit myself to walking this process slowly and gently, but within applying discipline as to actually walk in consistency, until I can say in self honesty that I have given it a shot, and actually see for myself the benefits or lack thereof - within this, when / if I see benefits form this application, I commit myself to support myself with this application and consistently supporting myself with it - I commit myself to become a being that supports oneself in self care and not continue allowing myself to sabotage/ abuse myself repeatedly
Ok - more tomorrow
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Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by a resistance towards writing, and thus, instead of making a decision to write and follow it through in the physical, I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted and lured away by this resistance, yet I haven't directed myself to investigate it, thus allowing this mystery force to take me over and direct me, and I have done nothing to take control and self direct myself back to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly / powerlessly / passively follow the experience of resistance towards writing, without investigating the specifics as to find myself within them, as what exactly am I resisting, why am I resisting, what do I not want to face, what do I fear facing, what point of responsibility am I avoiding? All these questions must be asked and answered by self - but instead I have allowed myself to be sucked into the heart of the storm, where the more I allow myself to get sucked in, the harder it is to come out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drift further and further from myself with every day I allow to go by without pushing myself to write - I realize, because I've seen this before, that when I allow myself to follow the resistance and be directed by it, and allow myself to not write and not support myself through writing, what happens is that I become weaker and weaker with every moment of such allowance - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within the principle of "prevention s the best cure" and in the first moment of seeing me going back into the pattern and excuses of not writing, to stop myself and push myself to write, write anything, just to get out of the possession of resisting writing, to support myself through self discipline within understanding the consequences of not writing is that I become weaker within myself, as the mind possession becomes stronger and stronger, and I experience it as I become more emotional, more reactive, and less stable - where as when I write daily, and face myself daily, and push myself daily, I experience myself more stable, and more aware of my reactions / emotions and within this awareness, I am less moved by them, more directive - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of the value support of self writing due to identifying with the resistance, even though in common sense I realize that the resistance isn't me, because it doesn't not serve me as life
When and as I see myself resisting writing, as I see that I am not standing in my self agreement to write daily, I breathe and investigate the resistance through writing, as I have done here, within this I let go the point I am resisting but rather allow myself to let go the resistance as to support myself initially in getting back to writing and facing myself, and then, once I've started writing I can go back to the initial point that I have been avoiding and investigate that as well.
When and as I see myself resisting writing, through practically not applying myself in writing, I realize I must push myself to write because I have seen the support writing gives me and on the other hand, I've seen the self destructiveness of not giving myself the support of writing - I realize it is a slippery slope and I must support myself from sliding down there, I thus, commit myself support myself in writing, within realizing that I can either support myself or sabotage myself - there is no middle way, and nobody is doing it for / to me - it is all my doing for better or worse - thus, in order to build self trust, I must be consistent in supporting myself, like with taking care of an animal or child, one must be consistent with ones support, one cannot feed the child / animal irregularly, and if one does the child / animal will not trust them, as they have neglected them in the very basics of their necessities - thus, I must treat myself as I would a helpless child / animal - as I am helpless to the mind's control, unless I take self responsibility and stand up for myself - thus, in order for me to trust myself I must support myself consistently, and care for myself consistently, where as at the moment I have found that writing these points out, clearing them out through writing, applying self forgiveness and finding practical solutions as self corrective statements is the support / nutrition I require, thus, I must give myself this support, or else how will I ever trust myself, and further more, how can I ever be trusted with life if I can't even support / care for myself effectively?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within participating in the resistance towards writing, to go into a physical uncomfortable experience and use it as a physical excuse as to not write, not realizing that the physical uncomfortablility is the result, as an outflow, of my participation in the resistance, where I have used it to justify not writing as if it was the cause, thus manipulating myself and deceiving myself, instead of supporting myself and my physical body through realizing this construct and pushing through it as to not let it direct me and not allow myself to manipulate myself - within this I realize that my physical body is supporting me to self realize, and thus, when I am feeling physically uncomfortable it is my body's indication to me that I have gone too far with mind participation and I must stop now, thus, when experiencing physical discomfort I stop myself in the moment and breathe, I utilize the four count breath to support myself into stability, within investigating the "why" and "how" of my participation in the mind, thus, when experiencing physical discomfort, instead of using it as an excuse, I use it as self support, as a physical cross reference to understanding what I am participating with, I write myself out as to define the experience in words, as to understand myself better, as to draw a map of myself to better understand the construct / program that I am going into, and within understanding I can stand up and step out of it.
I realize what I'm writing is guidelines, and will not be transcended in one moment, but will take many times of practicing these points, pushing myself to walk these points, thus, realizing this is a process of space / time, this means that it will take physical corrective application in the physical, thus space, and accumulation of corrective application in time, for me to transcend these points - thus, I realize that there is no point in going into experiencing overwhelmingness, and simply walk with self dedication - I realize that if I don't dedicate myself to myself, in self support, I am leaving myself abandonment, because no one else can support me but myself, no one else can dedicate themselves to me, but myself - I realize it's only up to me to support myself to free myself from the abusive enslavement of the mind, to change and become a being of self respect, self honor, and within this, to be able to respect and honor all life as myself
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