Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Saturday, July 20, 2013
I just realized that I have been trying to be obedient all my life, trying to "please the master" to get the approval of the authority. Not wanting to get in trouble and experiencing myself as being watched, as if "big brother" will see if I stray from the suggested path and will be punished.
When I was young I would call my dad to tell him I was skipping school, I saw it as an act of responsibility but really it was an act of abdicating responsibility, my rational was that if I get in real trouble it's good they know where I am, because I’m just a kid, but really I was too afraid of making the decision and standing by it without the OK of my dad, so in essence I asked for his approval so I wouldn't bare the weight of the decision to "do something wrong" by myself.
Many times I will ask for permission, just to be sure, while others around me would have just gone ahead and done it, and then when I receive a negative answer to my request I have a valid excuse not to step out of my comfort zone and do it, because "now I can't do it because I had asked directly and was disapproved, so I cannot" while the reason I didn't go ahead and do it to begin with was not because I actually thought it was wrong, but because I know "they" might think it is wrong and then I will not have their acceptance and approval, and that always had more value than going ahead and doing what I want, expressing myself and enjoying myself. I always wanted to be seen in a good light.
Now I am facing a similar point - I want to do things the right way, as I was taught to do them, but at times I question what I have learned and want to apply myself in another way - then comes up a point of trusting myself enough to “defy my teacher”, because if I do it my way I am the sole responsible for my actions, whereas when I follow their instructions I can always blame them for me not succeeding, so I know that if I do it my way it’s all on my shoulders, whether I make it or not, and to add to this point then there is that other point of approval, where I want the teacher / instructor to approve my way and say "yes, sure go ahead with it" as if asking for permission to explore my own self expression, to take risks and learn from my own mistakes - and I also realize there is a fine line somewhere between not allowing myself to follow instructions because of ego as wanting to do things my way, and not following instructions in a starting point of over coming the fear of taking full responsibility for my actions. so I guess I’m still struggling to actually see clearly the entity of my starting point within it all.
I have been working with a someone that is creative and exploring options that I am reluctant to explore because they are beyond the suggested realm, and I don't want to be spotted out as going beyond the suggested instructions, i want to be obedient, but at the same time I admire this other person for feeling so free to explore and that indicates to me that I have been limiting myself from expressing and exploring myself due to fear, and thus I realize that I must explore both new avenues, I must allow myself to follow instructions as to make sure I am not directed by my ego within the desire to be special and do things MY way, I must also allow myself to explore new avenues and to overcome the fear of being looked upon badly by the teacher / instructor / authority, I must also allow myself to explore and take full responsibility for the consequences whether "good" or "bad", because once I stand alone beyond the suggested territory I must be able to stand clear within myself and know for myself why I chose this path, to be able to trust myself that regardless the outcome I will not regret the way - and whatever happens to learn from it and apply myself then from within my new learning and realizations, to the best of my ability in that moment, within understanding that with every “mistake” i grow and learn and expand my understanding so next time i can take a different more effective route – but i must learn through expressing, exploring, falling and learning.
I feel confused because I have created such a complex web of dishonesty that no matter in which direction I take a step in, I am facing fears and reactions and thus now see to what extent I have been motivated by fears and reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell the authority that I am doing something else than suggested within a starting point of asking for their approval and validation and thus not taking full responsibility, thus, when and as I see myself informing an authority of my actions while not asking for feedback or help but just informing them, I stop myself and breathe, I realize this is a point of deliberate manipulation rather than direct communication – thus, i stop myself in breathe as I do not allow myself to share with them from within the starting point of not taking self responsibility for my actions, within this I allow myself to evaluate the situation and to see if I am not willing to take responsibility I must look at the risk involved and reconsider whether what I am about to do is within common sense and the starting point of what is best for all or is it just acting out a desire that might lead to consequences. And so I breathe and slow myself down, and make a clear decision within and as myself whether I am standing behind my actions or not, and accordingly I act, within taking full responsibility and allowing myself to be accountable for my actions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being caught as doing something else than suggested, and thus will not allow myself to explore new ways and perhaps find practical alternatives, not allowing myself to make it "my own" within adding myself as my own self expression into the activity, and so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict myself and suppress myself from expressing myself and bringing myself in my true totality, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to contribute through my ideas and expression and exploration because I have not allowed myself to step beyond the accepted and agreed upon territory, and thus I have deprived myself from the opportunity of self expression and exploration and have deprived those around me from whatever idea I might have had that could benefit all, just because I fear being seen in a bad light, not realizing that those seeing me in a bad light which I fear and avoid their judgments are not actually judging me but themselves, and those who are not judging themselves will find a supportive way to show me if I am out of sink or am doing anything that is not practical or supportive, and thus I realize that the only way I can actually get the support of others is if I allow myself to step out of the confinements of approved territory so that I can either grow and expand or make mistakes and learn from the correction - but from suppression I will not learn a thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do things my way because of ego as wanting to be special and take all the credit, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that doing things "my way" just for self interest is not valid, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value the experience of others and allow myself to walk the repaved paths, not blindly but with open eyes, to be able to only once I have tried and openly seen where that path leads, to then practice critical reasoning and apply myself accordingly as allowing myself to be part of the accumulation of knowledge that has created our world, and thus to contribute not within ego but within practicality and from actual experience and personal knowledge
Friday, March 8, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
Day 162 - Running ahead of myself
Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness
Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived
Day 165 - Enslaved to Memories – Correction
Day 166 - Enslaved to Memories - Money and Morality
Day 168 - Falling like a leaf, or following your self direction - what do you chose?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the experience as a self created belief, that making decisions is hard, and thus I have accepted within every decision I had to make, the experience of anxiety as an integral part of it, not allowing myself to be here in breath, and apply common sense within self trust to simply make a decision within self trust
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept fear to be a part of any decision I have ever made, within a starting point of fear of "making the wrong decision" within the belief that there is the "right" decision and there is the "wrong" decision - this within not trusting myself as believing myself to be clueless, I have allowed myself to exist in self doubt and thus to have self doubt as my starting point, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize common sense and make a directive decision within investigating all points and "going for " that which I have calculated to be the most effective option - but rather I have hidden behind self doubt and allowed myself to stand still / frozen in place, for as long as I can, and thus postponing making the decision to avoid picking the "wrong" option in fear of making a mistake.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid making decisions within fear of making a mistake, and thus have allowed myself to postpone making a decision and wait for the decision to make itself through reality unfolding and options falling away due to other people making decisions, and thus, I have allowed myself to be subject to other people's decision making instead of standing up within myself, and taking a chance, and directing myself, and making a decision for "better" or worse" within realizing that if I don't trust myself within making sure I am looking at the point in common sense and investigating the options, I end up trusting someone else, while I don't know what was their motivation for the action / decision they took, within this I realize that by not making a decision and waiting for the decision to "make itself" I am abdicating self responsibility and not actually ensuring the best outcome possible, because I have taken myself out of the game so to speak, instead of being an active participant and contributing myself through making decisions in self trust within utilizing common sense.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that while I avoid making decisions, decision are still being made, yet I have given my power away and thus cannot influence the outcome but am put myself in a position of an observer, as one that can only complain about the result, and thus have separated myself from the situation and from reality within fear of making a mistake, yet I haven’t realized that one cannot separate oneself from reality, because all in reality is interconnected, and thus, by not standing up within myself and making decisions and walking them in self trust, I have been given my permission to others to make the decision for me, and thus am responsible for the decisions being made, even though I wasn't making them - because within not making a decision I am in fact making the decision to follow others, within giving away my power and ability to influence the outcome to others, and thus am responsible for what they decide and do just as much as if it were me making the direct decision, even though I have not effect of what they decide and do - within this I realize that when I abdicate my opportunity to make decisions and direct myself within my life, I am not in fact abdicating self responsibility, because one remains responsible at all times, all I am doing is giving away my direct influence and contribution, as a statement that I am not worthy of participating and that others / the world will be better off if others decide - but that is bullshit, because I have not the ability to investigate “their” starting point, I can only investigate my own, and thus, only through making direct decision can I ensure that I am contributing to reality and to myself that which I stand by as what is best for all, and every decision that I do not make I am allowing any other starting point to take control, and I am in fact responsible for the outcome
When and as I see myself avoiding making a decision, within the experience of anxiety / fear within not trusting that I know what to do, I stop myself and breathe, I support myself through writing and open up the point / decision that I am facing to see more clearly what am I dealing with, I realize that I do know within myself, within self honesty, what is the decision that I must make, and thus I support myself through writing to reveal myself the answer that I hold within me, in realize that the experience of "not knowing what to do" is a self manipulation tactics to hide from myself in self interest, and thus, I investigate through asking myself questions as to why do I fear facing that which I know within myself in self honesty that I must do - this within realizing that within myself, I have the answer to myself, and I can either find the answer within myself in self honesty as what is best for all in equality and oneness, or I can manipulate myself to hide myself the answer and exist in self interest and fear. Thus, I commit myself to investigate any point within me that I see / find myself avoiding making a decision, I commit myself to get to the bottom of why am I sabotaging myself from being direct and self honest, what am I hiding from myself and why - and within this, through practicing and within and as breath, I will build self trust, one decision at a time.
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