Showing posts with label cooking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cooking. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Yesterday I wrote a blog about my cooking day, which I spent most of it in my mind in worry and stress, today I will dive into the specifics to support myself in seeing the actual minute points I had participated in, to make sure I can stand in breath next time I face such points - i start with the section of the day that i was preparing wraps
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy the flour within a starting point of wanting the flour to be more special than just regular whole wheat flour, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy something without doing the research as to be sure I know what it is that I'm buying, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purchase a product within the starting point of an energetic experience as the desire / excitement of it being special, within this I realize when I approach anything within energy I am paving the way towards consequences, as I have created an energetic attachment towards the product and thus experience myself as if I have something to lose if / when it turns out to be not to my satisfaction, as a pose to purchasing a product within the clear starting point of practicality and thus not opening the door to unnecessary attachment and energy within finding out that the product is not exactly what I had wanted / expected it to be
When and as I purchase any product I make sure to investigate it as to know practically what it is that I am buying, within this I realize that any purchase done within energy, as excitement or desire to be special, is unnecessary and done as self sabotage as it prepares the way towards stress / expectation / disappointment, within this, when and as I see myself making a purchase within energy, I stop myself and breathe, I consider the practical points and make an informed decision within breath as stability and not allowing myself to be directed by energy as excitement and / or desire to be special, thus, I commit myself to consider the practicality of the product, the price, the quality, and not feed in to any desire that might come up within it - when and as I see a desire / excitement come up, I stop myself and breathe, I let go the energetic attachment towards the product and see it as it as within it's simple practicality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when making the wraps, within discovering that the flour is not what I thought it was and is not as suitable for wraps, to go into an experience of self bullying as was giving myself a hard time for making a mistake and buying the unsuitable flour, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself as a form of self punishment, instead of simply learning from it as to make sure that next time I don't buy something just because it seams more special, but rather do the research and buy something that is suitable for the meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within making wraps, to go into worst case scenario, as projecting / imagining that the wraps will be a flop because of the wrong flour that I got, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this experience of anticipating the worst case scenario instead of simply being here in breath and doing what I can do in the moment, here, with what I have, within committing myself to learn for the next time how to improve, correct and prefect myself whether or not my expectations were met or not, regardless of the outcome I can always investigate myself within the point and learn from it - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a state of expecting the worst instead of walking breath by breath in self trust and facing whatever comes along when it actually comes, I realize future projections and expecting the worst are unnecessary, as I realize that by expecting the worst I am allowing myself to exist in an energetic experience that possesses me as it compounds more and more as long as I participate with it, and then whatever the outcome may be I am depleted and exhausted due to have given myself away to the energy of the mind and thus I feel like crap, instead of remaining stable in breath and facing what comes, when it comes, in self trust, self directiveness and stability within breath.
When and as I realize I have made a mistake, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into projections of worst case scenarios, I do not allow myself to blame myself as a form of self punishment as I'm giving myself a hard time for making a mistake, instead I work with what is here and make the best for it within committing myself to learning from my mistake for the next time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress out because I have given value to the meal I was preparing as I was making it within the energetic desire of wanting to please everyone, I wanted them to enjoy the meal, I wanted to get a "tap on my back" as everyone enjoys what I had made for them, and thus, within this desire I have allowed myself to stress about the meal within fear as "what if something goes wrong" instead of allowing myself to enjoy myself within the process as I prepare the meal and simple walk breath by breath, no energetic expectation / desires, as I realize these desires all present themselves as "I'm a good and caring person" but in fact they are all self interest from the perspective of the desire to please and being seen as good and receiving positive reinforcement, thus, when and as I'm preparing a big meal and see myself going into energy as desire to please and expectations of myself to serve a high standard, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I commit myself to simply make the food, breath by breath, to the best of my ability within using and working with what is here, and not allowing myself to fall into energy as I have proven to myself that when going into energy I am depleting myself from my power, I am giving myself away, I am not here in the moment but am busy in my mind in energy as desire / expectation / stress / worry, I realize there is no practical point for doing so, but the contrary, I realize it is self abusing self sabotaging and distracting, along with, as I allow myself to experience myself in this energy all I see is my goal, thus I separate myself from everything and everyone and thus create unnecessary friction and conflict as I move through out my day in energy.
Thus, within preparing a meal for others, when and as I see myself going into energy of pleasing / expectation / worry / stress, as trying to make the meal for "their" enjoinment, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that the energy is always hidden self interest and never for the best interest of the group nor myself really, and within that I realize that any stress / worry / expectation / desire is showing me that I am in fact preparing myself for a failure within existing I fear and self doubt, experienced as fear of judgment / criticism / failure, and thus, I commit myself to when seeing myself going into fear of judgment / criticism / failure as I am preparing a meal for others within the starting point as expectation and desire to please, I stop myself and breathe, I focus on the physical reality, I focus on my physical body, I focus on the practical steps I must take, I focus on the practicality of my responsibility - in this case to feed every body properly - I realize that the energy I am participating in, as the desire to please others, is not a practical nor necessary part of the equation, and thus should and must be let go of, as to prevent the outflow of such energy as I experienced the other day as stress, worry, inner friction and conflict that cause external friction and conflict. Within this I realize that all the steps I took to prepare the meal could have been done without energy, and I could have actually enjoyed myself through out the day as I prepare this meal, instead of existing in my mind as energy and missing out on all the fun of making dinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing that I had had made a mistake, to judge myself and blame myself for fucking up, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself through tunnel vision, as a very narrow perspective of myself and my actions - I realize that within blaming myself for my mistake I am blinding myself to the practical steps I have been physically taking and thus, not actually seeing me for who I am in my totality through how I am walking this point, but only focus on what I have done wrong, as I magnify it and believe it to be all of myself. I realize self blame is abusive and un just from perspective that it allows me to hate myself instead of support myself in seeing all aspects of myself as what I must maintain and expand on and what of myself must be change and corrected, not as a point of right and wrong as a polarity, but simply allowing myself to see who I really am, to change what must be changed as it is self sabotaging, self abusive and counter productive, and to keep that which is good, effective, practical and supportive - in other words to see myself for who I really am, to give myself credit for where I've been practical and effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance towards writing about myself that I have done things in practicality and effectiveness, as to see that I have done something "right", I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and truly accept / believe myself as the character of a inadequate / failure to such an extent that it's uncomfortable for me to recognize aspects about myself that I am actually improving in or good / effective at, or to acknowledge simple tasks that I am doing correctly - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tap myself on my own back, to give myself credit, to respect, to honor and to value myself, and thus I exist within the desire of being validated by others, as I believe / experience myself as I require the respect, value and honor of others as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself - I forgive myself for even now as I am writing this there is an experience within me of "not wanting to make a big deal out of what I did right, because it's so simple and can / should be disregarded" - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what I'm doing wrong in self hatred instead of also seeing that which I'm improving in, and changing within - I hadn't realized how deep this point goes, as I have created and accepted myself as the character of failure / inadequacy to such an extent that it's hard for me to say that I'm not all bad.
I commit myself to take notice throughout my day of things I am good at, to acknowledge aspects of myself that I want to maintain and expand within, as well as aspects of myself I would like to correct and improve, I commit myself to see myself in my totality and not focus only on the bad / defective / inferior / inadequate aspects of myself, but instead to make an effort and realize myself as who I really am, and not be content with the narrow, tunnel version of myself, fed to me by my mind and accepted as myself in self diminishment.
When and as I see myself going into self blame / judgment as believing I am only wrong, that all I do is wrong, I stop myself from participating in the mind as back chat / thoughts / self judgment / emotions, and breathe, I realize that this is a narrow view, looking through a tunnel while hiding from myself the totality of myself and painting a "dark" picture from a starting point of creating energy as inner friction / conflict, thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into self blame / judgment, to within breath, investigate in self honesty what are the mistakes that I have mis-taken that need be learnt from and corrected, and what are the points within which I was effective, directive and supportive, points that need be learnt from in order to maintain and expand within, I commit myself to do so as a practical process of evaluating where I can learn from my mistakes as to turn them into gifts of self expansion
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Monday, January 28, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Today was my cooking day, which means I prepare dinner for everyone, it took me a while to get used to making food for so many people, as I'm used to making food for myself pretty much, but it's been working out quite OK, and I've actually been enjoying myself most of the time preparing food, today though was different - I decided to make home made tortilla wraps, as this is a meal I would make for myself back home very often, so I am basically very comfortable with this meal and I like it a lot, and even though it's a familiar meal for me to make, today I really stressed out over it - I was worried they won't like the food combinations that I wanted them to fill their wraps with, I was worried there wouldn't be enough food, I was worried because I had bought a weird flour that made the wraps harder to prepare and I wasn't sure they would be any good, I was worried the chicken pieces wouldn't turn out right because I cooked farm chicken which tends to turn out tougher than chicken you would buy from the shop - I basically was stressed out and worried about this meal all day long, mostly about it not being enough, and then all the unpredictable "problems" that came along the way, and regardless of the worrying there was a lot of the actual physical preparations and cooking to do, so basically I was busy with this meal all day long - all the time it actually took to make it, and all the rest of the day as I was stressing and worrying over it.
I experienced myself doubting myself every step of the way, being hard on myself, and blaming myself for every possible mistake, like buying the wrong flour, or fucking up the chicken, or not making sure ahead of time there are enough veggies for the stir fry and so on…
I see this related to the character of inadequacy I have created myself as, I realize there is an imbedded self doubt within me that I have accept as myself, and thus, have been allowing this self doubt to direct my experience through out my day. And so, even though this is a meal I am comfortable with, and even so I have cooked for this many people quite a few times already, I felt inadequate, I didn't trust myself to pull it off effectively.
The point of inadequacy mostly came from the perspective of not knowing how much and what specifically they will eat, and it perpetuated the fear of failing the dinner, where as the most basic failure is not having enough food, but it's also a failure if there is too much and food is thrown away, it's also a failure if they don't like the food, and of course if I don't like it. So, instead of walking my decision of making this dinner for all these people, in breath, I was running and panting in an experience of an inner panic all fucking day.
It ended up being ok, there was enough food and on the most part people enjoyed the meal, which is cool because that's what I aimed for, but there is no excuse for how I allowed myself to experience myself all throughout the day - today was a prefect example of how I walked the day in my mind, in a constant state of a panic / stress / inadequacy, while still committed to walk the physical practical actions that need to be done - so, it's not that I collapsed under the stress and gave up from perspective of not making the dinner, I did what needed to be done, but I could have done it quietly, without the mind as back chat and emotions pounding within me - I mean, it is actual self abuse to allow oneself to walk the day in such a state, especially when there are physical practical solutions and considerations that one can act on and prevent problems, such as asking someone for help, which I did, or preparing more food, which I did, or preparing the food enough in advance to be able to do everything properly, which I did - so basically I did all the practical physical steps as effective as I could and within common sense, I didn't blow it off, I didn't wait for the last minute, I didn't ignore the unpredictable problems that arose throughout the day - I did it all, but I did it in a constant state of energy, as a constant self doubt, within a constant experience of stress and unease.
The result of today is that I'm exhausted, not because of the physical work I did, that part I actually enjoyed, but rather because of the mind fuck I allowed myself to be in all day long, and I didn't once stop myself to breathe, I didn't once stop myself within realizing that the outcome of the dinner is not as important as who I am within myself throughout my day as I'm preparing and making it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk the day within full participation within / as my mind, instead of stopping myself in self support to breathe, to bring myself back here to the physical reality and out of my head of back chat, self judgment and worry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within accepting myself as inadequate, to not trust myself that I can properly make a meal but instead to doubt myself every step of the way and exist in a state of stress and worry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exhaust myself due to my immense participation within / as the mind, instead of supporting myself to be here in breath, within allowing myself to slow myself down and to walk and breathe with the pace of the physical, not running ahead in my mind, but walking here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of stress and worry within doubting myself within accepting myself as inadequate and incapable, instead of simply doing what I can physically do and trust myself within self honesty that I am in fact doing what can be done, and walk in stability regardless the outcome.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk my day in fear of the outcome and thus not allowing myself to be here in breath, equal and one with the physical reality as myself, but instead have projected myself into the future within / as my mind, as I imagine worst case scenarios as the judgment of others as the meal falls apart, and thus walk my day in fear of being judged for fucking up, not realizing that within walking in fear I am fucking myself up where I can see the result of that within the exhaustness I am experiencing now, at the end of the day, as it was such a long day, but only due to my constant participation within / as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care and worry about what others will say / think about the meal I make and thus within existing in fear / worry abusing myself throughout the day, as I have been victimizing myself, crucifying myself in the name of making a good meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into preparing this meal in energy, as I have been planning it and anticipating it for a few days, projecting / imagining how great it will be and how much every one will love it, and thus within allowing myself to exist in the positive energy of excitement and anticipation I have created for myself the inevitable consequence of experiencing the low / bad energy as the worry and fear of it not working out as I had planed and hoped
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the unpredictable problems that came out throughout the day, and instead have allowed myself to follow my mind and get lost in it and possessed by it, and as such I have missed myself within this day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare this meal in a starting point of desire for it to be great, instead of walking it practically within a starting point of simply preparing a meal to the best of my ability within the limitations and physical situations that come up, with no energy attached
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk this entire breath without stopping for a moment to breathe, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself throughout this entire day within not being here in breath, but instead existing and participating within / as the mind as energy, I forgive myself for acceptng and allowing myself to become possessed by the energy of the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask those around me for help within a starting point of preparing myself to fall from perspective that asking for help is admitting and declaring there are difficulties and thus preparing the others that dinner might be a flock, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask for help within the practical common sense starting point of actually and simply finding solutions for the problems and situations that I have detected within preparing the meal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be excited about the meal and thus have not taken the time to prepare effectively what needed to be prepared ahead of time when fast, easy and practical solutions would have been easy to be found.
When and as I prepare a meal and see myself going into energy as excitement or worry, I stop and breathe, I realize that I am participating in the mind as here, in the physical there is no practical room for excitement and worry, there is only room for actions, thus, I commit myself to breathe, I commit myself to walk the physical steps here in breath, I commit myself to list out what needs to be done and trust myself to walk it.
When and as I see myself doubting myself within the acceptance self belief of being inadequate, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the thoughts as back chat, and focus on the physical, as the physical actions that I am doing and need to be done
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
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