Day 109 - Assertiveness and the desire to be right

This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness

Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness

Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness

Day 107 - assertiveness - "problem points"

Day 108 - limitation within self definition

I've started investigating the point of assertiveness and my application within it, today I had an opportunity to see myself in action - and thus here I am, to correct myself through writing, to open up the point, and be more clear and direct the next time such a situation occurs

We've decided to plant some lavender, and within deciding where and how close together to plant them, there was a disagreement between us, I wanted them further apart, and the other being wanted them closer together - I don't have much experience with planting, and specifically I have never planted lavender, but my opinion was strong - I wanted the plants to have sufficient space to grow and not crowd each other, the other being took that into consideration as well, but wanted also to create a hedge of lavender and that would require them to be slightly closer together.

Since I had been writing about assertiveness I knew that I have an issue with standing and stating my perspective clearly and assertively, so I saw the point within me come up where I wanted to go to the "you know what, do it however you want, I don't really care, it's all cool", but I saw it was a point of giving up and not standing so, instead of breathing, looking at all the points, asking the being what is their consideration to see if I understand the totality of the point, instead of all that I went into the polarity of insisting that I know what I'm talking about, that I make sense, and all within the energy reaction of the desire to be right.

I didn't see this initially, because I was caught up with trying not to fall into the other side of the polarity of giving up, but gratfuly the point was shown to me by the other being as they pointed out that I'm in the desire to be right energy - this happened 2 minutes before I had to leave so that statement was "my cue" to leave, and as I left I was totally mind posseseed, I felt beaten, I felt like I lost, and within my mind the back chat of "no, she is the one that insisted, I am the one that was right, I made so much sense in what I said…"

I had some time to digest the situation, within breathing and stopping the back chat from possessing me, and of course, within self honesty I could see what I had done, I went to the other polarity, from the attempt not to be submissive I went to the aggression and insisting within the desire to being right.

After I had seen the point for myself I went into self judgment - "how could I fall in this point after writing about it just the other day", luckily, the other being came around and brought up the point in discussion, it gave me an opportunity to speak it out and hear their perspective as well, which was supporting in helping me to see what I haven't considered, and to stop the judgment that I was holding towards them as back chat, still trying to prove myself right

So, firstly I just want to point out the recognition and gratefulness of how communication can be the key of self change, if we would allow ourselves to support each other, and stand as mirrors to each other, without judgment, and if we we would allow ourselves to be open to hear/see in humbleness the points being shown to us - we would accelerate our process as we move towards a self honest self directed stand of self as life - so this is one cool point I see within this event, the value of supportive communication, and it just goes to show that we can't do this alone, we could benefit so much from each other if we would turn our application to supporting each other within clear and self honest communication, and not isolate ourselves and each other through communicate within spitefulness or competition.

The other point I am grateful for seeing through this event is that I hadn't stopped - in all my blogs you will see that I write the self commitment statements and the all state so very clearly that within any reaction, before you do anything, you firstly would support yourself by STOPPING AND BREATHING, so, here I was, reacting within the desire to be right, desire to be agreed with, and I didn't stop nor did I breathe, I was consumed with the energy and thus not considering myself within awareness but being blindly directed by the energy of desire.

Within our supportive communication I shared with the being all that I saw within myself and that I have been writing about it but haven't really found a solution as a practical application to what to do in such an event, then I said that all I can see is to stop and breathe - as I said it I realized how I haven’t applied this most basic application of support, I have been still remaining in the realm of wanting to be right, wanting to find a way to stop the energy without giving up the desire to be right, expecting that rush of energy when I am told "yes, you have convinced us, we'll do as you say"… I expressed that I don't know how to act/be without the energy, what do I do after I stop? How do I continue from there? Within our conversation it became so clear that really the one thing that has to be done is to STOP AND BREATHE, and only after I have stopped myself within breath will I come back to the conversation, and allow myself to be humble, when the being said the word humbleness it all fell in place -
I haven't been stopping/breathing - I have been holding on to my pride within the desire to be right, instead of allowing myself the freedom of humbleness, as an expression of life and not one of knowledge, not desiring to be right, not participating in a power struggle, simply being here, as one within and as myself as one with the other being, looking practically and softly at the situation, and within it expressing myself in breath, no energy, just me, here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself through and within the energy of the mind as the desire to be right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "correct" one side of the polarity as being submissive, to the other side of the polarity as being aggressive/demanding within the desire to be right, thus not allowing myself to see that I am doing exactly the same, only on the other side of the same coin instead of stopping the participation with both sides of the polarity and allowing myself to exist and express myself within the stability of the equilibrium that is here

I commit myself to actually STOP myself and BREATHE, to stop my participation within the conversation/interaction if/when I see myself go into an energetic reaction, as the desire to be right, I commit myself to remove myself from participating in any conversation from within energy, because I realize it isn't in fact me participating as self expression, but as the mind as energy and thus creating and feeding off conflict and friction, thus creating consequences for myself and for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think as back chat "hut I can't just stop a conversation in the middle, how can I do that, it will be weird" - yes, I realize it will be an adjustment, and there will be resistance at first, thus I commit myself to push through the resistance within the fear of being judged for changing myself, for stopping the conversation - I also realize I owe this to myself, I must commit myself to stopping the mind, to stopping my participation with energy, and thus, I realize that any change requires an active and consistent push, and I commit myself to push through this, I've seen what my participation within/as the mind as energy leads to - self compromise, abuse of myself and others, conflict and friction in my relationship with others as well as with myself - thus this must stop - I must stop this

When and as I see myself going into an energetic reaction within communicating with another being, I stop myself and breathe, I express that I am reacting, and thus cannot continue the conversation at the moment, I need to clear myself in order to continue. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a pioneer, within fear of setting an example, because I realize that some people will react, but I also realize that I can't continue living my life through the constant consideration of what others will think of me, I must decide for/as myself who I want to be and them walk the chosen path as myself, living as an example for those who are willing to see, and those who are not willing - am I going to compromise myself as the living change to suit those that are not willing to see the common sense, that are insisting on remaining enslaved to the mind/money/consciousness - as I'm writing this I realize their roll in my life as they are always my mirror, thus I realize hat as long as I fear their reaction, I am actually fearing/judging myself as I fear/judge them - my relationship to them is showing me my relationship to self - showing me that I am not willing to see common sense because I am holding on to my self interest, I am allowing myself to remain enslaved to the mind/money/consciousness because I fear letting go of he safe zone I have been living within as self definition and familiar characters/environment

I realize the choice has always been mine - I chose to stop and change - so here I tackle another small single point, and commit myself to end it through stopping my participation within it - and I know what to do instead, instead of participating in the desire to be right as it comes up in a disagreement I stop, I breathe, I can express myself as why I am stopping, or not, depending the situation - but the main thing is that I do not allow myself to continue within the energy - I clear myself and only then speak.
thanks

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Related articles

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• Day 107 - assertiveness - "problem points"
• Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness
• Day 97 - Giving up is an elitist privilege
• Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness
• 7 years journey to life: Day 115: smoking pot... again

Day 67 - Friendship - Part 9 - The Debt System - Self Forgiveness

continue from my previous blogs:

Day 59 - Redefining friendship

Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support

Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness

Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation

Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time

Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness

Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 – Consumerism

Day 66 - Friendship - Part 8 - The Debt System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help/support my friends from a starting point of expecting to get a pay back in the future, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here in every moment and direct myself to do everything I do within/as breath, unconditionally, instead of imposing the past and the future on the moment that is here

I commit myself to practice being here as breath when I do thing for people or in general, as to not do it from a starting point of paying off a debt from the past, or an expectation to be paid back in the future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nice to my friends within participating in being a good friends character, and within that not doing things unconditionally within a starting point of actually supporting them as myself in the moment, but from a starting point of a debt system, doing it for them now so that I can get something form them later, in addition to the good feeling I get for believing I am such a good friend for compromising/helping and not even making a big deal over it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional energy that comes along with the expectation/disappointment within the debt construct within friendships, as blame/shame/spitefulness etc.. ,I forgive myself not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by participating within the debt construct I am fueling the mind as I am adding unnecessary conflict to my life

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath if/when I see myself going into the debt construct, to support myself with bringing myself back here, to stop the backchat, to breathe, I commit myself to investigate each specific point that opens up within the debt construct within writing out the point and walking it through self forgiveness until the point is clear, and I commit myself to within each point, draw the path before me through corrective statement as to insure I do not fall in the same point again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceit myself and my friends as myself within presenting myself as a caring/supportive friends while all along keeping score as to see who owes what/how much to whom, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually care for/support my friends unconditionally because I have always been keeping score, making sure I am not the one in debt, and if I would find myself in debt I would act to pay it back within a starting point of clearing my debt and at the same time to deliberately create situations that I place others in debt towards me in my mind, through holding on to the point of debt in memory and thus living the past/future instead of being here in every moment as breath

I commit myself to stopping myself from participating within/as the debt system of the friendship construct, through the support of breath if/when I see myself keeping score, thus I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself do something from a starting point of expecting there to be a pay back, and within this I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath when I see myself doing something within a starting point of paying my debt, I realize that by participating within/as the debt system I am diminishing myself and the beings around me, through not allowing us to communicate here but always bringing up and living in the past as memory, and in the future as expectation.

I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to use the friendship construct as a format of competition through keeping score and thus to do what I can to be the winner which means to make the other as the loser, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the abusive nature of the debt system, making one dependent on and in debt to another, thus participating with and creating power/control/superiority instead of doing what is best for all within stopping such abuse from existing within myself and thus within the world as a whole, and to actually support myself and those around me through not living in the past as memory or in the future as expectation, as I realize past/future exist only in the mind, and thus are not real as the physical, as breath, here

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the debt system within friendships is based on lack of effective communication where one expresses to the other why they will or will not do something, and within this point I see that if they are expecting something in return it should be agreed on within clear communication and acceptance of both sides, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to practice and participate within effective communication because I have allowed myself to live in fear of being exposed as who I am within my hidden mind, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within self shame as a starting point of who I am within believing that the who I am within the back chat of the hidden mind is too shameful to share, and thus I have allowed myself to instead of correcting myself when/if necessary, to deceive myself and those around me and as consequence have created more conflict within myself and without as the communication with the other, through participating/accepting the debt system without questioning it to see if it's valid as a construct to exist within relationships

I commit myself , when I am asked to do something, to take a breath and actually give myself a moment to see/decide if I am willing to do this or not, within this I commit myself to base my decision on what is here now, and not project into the future expectations to hold as debt, within this I commit myself to communicate to the other if I do have any expectations and to come to an agreement as to wither it is valid and accepted on both or not

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the entire construct of friendships is based on debt as within the mere expectation of the other to "be my friend", each with their own definition of it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "lone" my friendship to my friends within the expectation that they will pay me back with their friendship towards me, as that is what will make us friends, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be friends with all beings in existence as equals, where as the reason being that the ones that I don't "chose" as my friends - I don't expect to get anything out of them, and thus I am not their friend because there is nothing in it for me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the entire construct of friendship is based solely on self interest and the living proof of it is that we are not friends with every one equally, we chose our friends to serve our needs, such as to feed our personalities or the idea that we are good/friendly people, or the belief we are protected and taken care of, because we have realized that we live in a cruel and evil world, that if we don't have anyone to take care of us we will not survive, yet we accept and allow others that are not our friends to walk around unprotected because they have nothing to give us in return to our friendship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat some people better/different than others based on who I define as my friend, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change as I present a different personality depending on which friend/person I am communicating with, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be the totality of me within self honest self expression with every one I am in communication with and in every moment of every breath

I commit myself to investigate all personalities I go into and participate with, within my friendships and with people that I don't define as my friend, and within that I commit myself to stop myself from participating within/as personalities and allow myself to be here, stable and equal within/as every moment of every breath, through a process of writing myself within self forgiveness and corrective statement, to allow myself to see the self deception/manipulation I have participated with from a starting point of self interest, and to correct myself as what is best for ALL and not limit myself to living as what is best just for myself and my friends because I realize there can be no equality if I limit myself to just those that serve my self interest, thus I commit myself to, within breath, let go of my self interests, one point at a time, through realizing that the "highest" interest is that which is best for all, and thus I will not stop until I am equal within all my relationships and within all communications, stable as breath, here as life
 
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Day 66 - Friendship - Part 8 - The Debt System

continue from my previous blogs:

Day 59 - Redefining friendship

Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support

Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness

Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation

Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time

Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness

Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 - Consumerism

Many times within friendship one finds oneself doing something they don't really want to do, but they do it because they are a "good friend", they want to be nice, they compromise, bend over backwards, do whatever it takes to accommodate and please their friend… they do it within self interest, because it's within their interest to please their friend and feel good about themselves, but they make it appear it's for their friend. The point of self interest is complex, not only do we want to see ourselves in a good light, through being a "good friend", but another dimensions would be that there is an expectation that it will be seen and appreciated and noted by the friends, and thus in time we will be rewarded in some way or another, in other words, the debt that has been created through one being a "good friend" will supposedly be paid off in the future, and as in economics, holding someone in debt is a point of power and control.

So, here's a scenario to look at - I do something for my friend, lets say help them move their apartment, just because they asked me to and I didn't want to say no, I didn't really mind troubling myself but it did feel like a compromise and I noted it to myself that I'm doing it for them because we are friends, and that's what caring friends do. But I don't do it unconditionally, this event is registered, and goes into the calculation books in my mind and waits there quietly for an opportunity to open up the books with an expectation of pay back, while in the mean while accumulating similar events as they come along, and adjust the debt accordingly in my mind.

Then, after some time, there might be a situation where I am need of some help, or want something to be specifically as I want it to be, so I will find myself asking something of my friend, at times I won't even ask but expect them to know what I want/need, and, since I have accumulated all this debt in my behalf, they should be willing and wanting to do things for me - it's pay back time.

So from my perspective this friend now owes me and I would like them to "pay me back" when it suites me, and if they don't "feel like" doing whatever I want or simply can’t assist me at that very moment, I would react within blame, comparison, self victimization, self righteousness, spitefulness, and revenge - because "the owe me", "I am entitled to receiving this help from them"

I would blame them for not being a good friend with back chat as: "why don't they want to do things for me like I do for them, why am I always doing things for them, even when I don't want to, just because I'm a good friend, but they wont do the same for me", then I will turn to spitefulness and revenge as I lash out at them, using emotional manipulation to maybe get them to change their minds, or at least feel bad for not doing what I want, and I prepare myself within my mind as planning the next time they ask for something, I tell myself within myself, there's no way I will do it for them, even if it's not a problem for me, even if I can easily help... this is thus one side of the debt game within friendships, the side of the giver/helper, the one with the perception of power as they the other has debt towards them.

On the other side of the debt system, there is the side receiving the assistance, and thus owing the debt, and they might now feel in debt to the friend who gave them the support, they might try hard to show their support back to their friends whenever they can, to maybe mark off a few points in the growing debt, they might become spiteful towards their friend because they believe their friends is the reason they are feeling in debt to them, so they end up resenting the friend that is helping them.

One must realize that this debt is an illusion created within ones mind where one calculates all acts and actions and accumulates debt for oneself and the other, while within this process of debt accumulation, there is no actual agreement between the two through communication in regards to the debt and how it is going to be paid off, it is all hidden within ones secret mind and assumed to be real as a part of a "fair"/mutual friendship".

Another point within the friendship debt, is that there is an initial assumption that you have to do things for your friends just because they are your friends, by being friends there is a hidden agreement that it's OK to expect things from one another, things that haven't been agreed on specifically, so basically, what it means is that you can expect from a friend to do something, because it seams like something small enough to expect, and then, if the friend refuse to comply, you would go into disappointment because you had expected them to participate, and from disappointment you can go to spitefulness, and revenge, while within this you are not actually considering your friend within finding out why they cannot help out, and in some cases if you do find out you will convince yourself it's is a justification made by them to get out of why they didn't help you, not realizing what you are doing at the very moment is justifying to yourself the disappointment/spitefulness you have been participating with.

The debt construct of friendship can be found in every relationship, where we expect things from one another, we do things for one another, but within that we almost never actually to it unconditionally within/as the moment, within/as breath, as a self movement self directed decision, doing as so that once the moment has gone - that's it, it's done with, it's behind us. No. we do it always based on self interest and fear, within holding on to it as a charged memory, accumulating it as debt.

Self Forgiveness and Corrective Statement in the following blog to come

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Day 48 – Positive Reinforcement - Being Corrected

 

I've noticed that I am very reactive to people correcting me. For instance, I could be learning a new task and be corrected within making a note of a mistakes I've made, and given suggestions on how to do it better/how it should be done, or I could simply be doing something and someone would come along and instead of saying something positive they would say something that sounds like criticism, basically any statement that I interpret as if I am told that I am doing something wrong/bad/a mistake/poorly/not good enough…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected, instead of allowing myself to stay in breath and to listen clearly to what is being said, and simply apply what is being said after considering it within common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a form of anger/spitefulness when being corrected, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as anger/spitefulness within reaction to being corrected, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within/as breath and to stop all reactions as spiteful/anger within me as I realize that such reactions are not acceptable as they are not supporting me as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as anger/spitefulness/backchat when being corrected instead of stopping myself within self directed decision to stop my addiction to positive reinforcement and within that to stop my dependency on what other people thing/say about/to me to be able to direct myself in every moment and hear what people are saying without taking it personally but to use it as self support to expand myself within my application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as bad/wrong when being corrected and within this self-belief have not allowed myself to realize that I, as life, am not wrong/bad, and I am only bad/wrong if/when I am accepting myself as such within self definition due my interpretation of being corrected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself within anger/spitefulness when being corrected through "telling myself" as back chat that the one correcting me is being judgmental, within this I am robing myself from the opportunity to change/expand within looking at the correction within common sense and apply it as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my reactions to being corrected through the idea/projection that the other is being judgmental when in fact it is me tat is judging what they are saying instead of simply hearing it as the living words and applying them as such within looking at the common sense within what is being said and not take it personally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected and take it personally as if what is being said defined me as who I am, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take being corrected personally and become upset within accepting myself as self diminishment through believing I am less for hearing/receiving criticism such as being corrected, as if what is being said is defining me, as if stating that I, as who I am, am bad/not good enough, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that what is being said is simply words to be looked at, and do not define me and do not direct me unless I allow it to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotional reaction when being corrected and within the reaction I have allowed myself to go into my mind within spitefulness and blame towards the one that has corrected me, and within that I have not allowed myself to look at the point spoken within self honesty and simply walk within common sense in regards to what is being said

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that any words spoken to me cannot hurt me in fact, but can only show me self back to self within seeing my reaction towards what is being said, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take being corrected as an opportunity to face myself within points of ego/reaction and instead have allowed myself to go into my mind and justify myself within it within that not allowing myself to change within self honesty due to resistance of looking at who I am within the moment of reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a physical reaction as I am being corrected within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within/as breath as I see myself react physically to being corrected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as judgment towards the being that is correcting me instead of supporting myself within/as breath and stopping myself within/as judgment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when being corrected to experience myself as being rejected/disapproved thus confirming the addiction I've accepted as myself as the desire/dependency for positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to accept corrections as gifts to breathe through as I walk through the addiction for positive reinforcement and learn to apply myself within/as the physical within/as breath and to hear what is being said within practicality and not focus on the good/bad feeling I am experiencing because I have realized the deceptive nature of feelings and I commit myself within this to not accept myself to fall in the trap of being directed by good/bad feeling but to direct myself within common sense within self honesty within practical physicality as life

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath if/when I see myself go into a reaction to being corrected, I commit myself to stop myself as the back chat of judgment/blame when being corrected as justifying the anger/spitefulness and instead to breathe here until I have stopped the backchat/reaction and can see clearly what is being said

i commit myself to support myself within as being corrected as i realize that i can use any words said to me as a practical way to see if i am still reacting and if so i commit myself to investigate the points of reaction and to apply myself as writing/self forgiveness/self corrective statements until i am satisfied that i am self directive principle and am not directed by emotions/feelings/reaction., and can hear anything said to me and apply them within common sense as i see fit at the moment

Day 46 - Depression - Part 4 - Positive Reinforcement - Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statement

 

this is a follow up to my previous blogs:

Day 43 - Signs of Depression

Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on positive reinforcement to be able to assess myself and recognize if I'm on the right track, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within not trusting myself to know within myself within/as self honesty if I'm in the "right direction" so to speak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to receive positive reinforcement when I do things as I should and I haven't realized the impracticality of such an expectation, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and thus when I do things as I should there isn't a committee set up to applaud me, within this I realize I have been programmed to believe I am special and loved through positive reinforcement and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such construct as program to exist within me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inherent limitation I have accepted as myself through the expectation for positive reinforcement and I haven't allowed myself to see the influence this construct has had on my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to positive reinforcement as the positive feeling I would get when being positively reinforced, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within being addicted to positive reinforcement, as with any addiction, I am not self directive because I will do anything as manipulation/deception to get the high positive energy, and will lash out on beings that don't supply my drug as positive reinforcement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at beings, in words or in my mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement as the drug I crave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the lashing out at others through the belief/desire they should give me positive reinforcement, and within that I have created a belief that they are going through a ego problem for not giving me the positive reinforcement I believe I deserve

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings that don't give me the positive reinforcement that I believe I require in order to define myself as positive, and within going into blame I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as back chat compounding the blame and justification, instead of realizing that like any addict I am responding through/as the addiction and thus cannot be trusted until I detoxify all the drug out of my system, through not allowing myself to accept positive reinforcement until I am satisfied that I can stand stable without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my mind, spite/revenge beings when they do not supply me with the positive reinforcement I am expecting and within that to allow myself to be nasty in my thoughts within the justification that "they deserve it" for not giving me my drug, and besides "I am not harming anybody" because it's only in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self honesty the consequences of participating within/as thoughts and to simply allow myself to participate with them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct outflow of my participation with spiteful/revengeful thoughts as lashing out towards the other being in my mind, as the direct outflow is my allowing and accepting myself to abuse through first allowing spiteful thoughts to then allow spiteful words and then spiteful deeds towards them disregarding them as life simply because they haven't supplied me with the "hit" of positive reinforcement I was looking for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be positively reinforced instead of pushing myself to stand as self support and stability within not needing others to validate/confirm me because I would be stable within/as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special and within that to expect everyone around me to be so impressed with me when I do things as I should, instead of looking at it within practicality as when things are done as they should be why would anything need to be mentioned, expecting a remark when I do things as I should implies that I do not expect myself to do as I should and that I expect my environment not to expect me to do as I should, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the expectation to receive a positive reinforcement I am implying that I do not actually expect me to succeed in what I am doing, and thus within it hide a form of self belittlement, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive positive reinforcement as a positive construct of support and I haven't seen that within it there is an implication of diminishment as an initial expectation for failure and thus a surprise as support when succeed, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the deceptive nature within positive reinforcement as a construct to keep being within a self belief of not being good enough and thus require the positive reinforcement, instead of giving actual support as suggestions for improvement within an expectation for perfection

 

Self Commitment

I commit myself to, through a process of writing myself out within self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to establish self trust within myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from relying on positive reinforcements to "tell" me who I am and within that to "know if I'm on the right track" but instead to know who I am as myself within self honesty

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself in search of external validation

I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive reinforcement through the realization that it is in fact a self diminishing construct and I will not allow myself to participate within it anymore, thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fall into the pattern of desire for positive reinforcement

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself go into thoughts/desires of being special/the center of the universe, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into back chat as expectation/blame for not getting the positive reinforcement I believe I should get, within this I realize the extent programming I have accepted due to my participation within/as positive reinforcement and I commit myself to stop myself within giving others positive reinforcement because I see the destructive/abusive nature of such a construct

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself lashing out at other being, within words or in the mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement and instead I commit myself to see such points as a gift given to self by them, a gift that allows me to assess myself if/where I can expand my application more, as well as to see if the desire for positive reinforcement still exists within/as me, to notice that, and forgive myself within/as self support, within that I commit myself to practice gratefulness towards beings that do not give me positive reinforcement because through them I can see my addiction and walk through it

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from participating within/as positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see myself going into manipulation to try and get positive reinforcement from those around me, when/as I see myself trying to get positive reinforcement I stop and breath, I bring myself back here, and remind myself that the positive feeling is an energetic experience as a drug to an addict and is not real as life, and thus I do not in fact require it, I commit myself to, through breath, bring myself here and prove to myself again and again that all I require is being here within breath.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving others or about to give others positive reinforcement, I commit myself to find within/as myself the practical wording to actually support the being and not use positive reinforcement just because it feels nice, but to consider the other as well as myself and to stop myself from participating within the construct of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to through writing and practical common sense to learn how to support another as myself within stopping myself as the pattern of giving/desiring positive reinforcement and instead to focus on the practical physicality to direct any situation within support

I commit myself to investigate thoughts and the consequences of thoughts as to not allow myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for my thoughts through the participation within ignorance as the excuse that "it's not harming anyone" without actually taking the time and walking the process of investigating all thoughts to be able to make that statement

I commit myself to stop myself from making assumptions without investigating the point for myself in fact, as the assumption of "thoughts can't hurt/harm anyone"

I commit myself, within realizing the direct outflow of thoughts being words/deeds, to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself participate within thoughts of spite/revenge towards others for not giving me the energetic high I wanted for my addiction of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to excellence and perfection, within this I commit myself to do things to the fullest and not allow myself to accept anything less than 100%, within this I realize the advantage of not getting positive reinforcement as it supports mediocrity as a form of saying "it's good enough". Thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself accepting mediocrity as accepting from myself less than my full application according to the moment within common sense and self honesty

I commit myself to myself, I commit myself to establishing self trust through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement and walking the correction within and as breath, day by day, breath by breath

Day 26 - Wanting to be accepted

This blog is continuing the blogs from the previous day, here I am opening up another point that came up within the table top experience

Here are the previous blogs for reference: 

Day 24 – Cleaning table tops

Day 25 – Being a Beginner

I have a desire to please others, a desire to be approved within a fear of being judged or seen as wrong/bad. Like I need to prove my worthiness to the group around me, like just being myself is most likely not good enough so I must work at and attempt to be more than myself, and when I am not more than myself I stress about it with back chat such as: "I can't have them see the real/incapable/bad me because they will surely not accept me anymore"

Being accepted feels like appoint of survival, like I will not survive in this world if I am not socially accepted, and within this I haven’t realized the amount of effort/attention/energy I am spending trying to be someone I am not, to fulfill an ideal I have created in my mind within self-judgment, within the initial belief that I am not worthy/good enough and thus cannot trust myself to make it on my own, and thus require the approval and acceptance of others to assist me to survive.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself through the eyes of others, and thus manipulate my behavior and expression in order to make sure others will see me as good and acceptable, while not allowing myself to express myself as who I am due to shame and fear of being exposed as who I really am and not approved/accepted

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to within living the pleasing character throughout my entire life, to have lost contact with my natural self-expression, and within this to accumulate more fear of exposure due to not knowing myself and thus not knowing what will come out if I allow myself to actually "be me" instead of the presentation I have created throughout my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself within fearing what will come out if I allow myself to "be me", not realizing that as long as I wait with facing myself I am accumulating more and more layers, separating myself further from myself, instead of simply stopping, here, within/as breath, and allowing myself to slowly but surely open myself up to myself and explore myself as who I really am within a process of self forgiveness and within a commitment to correct myself within the principle of equality and oneness so that I can from here on stand stable within/as myself as one and equal to/as myself and don't hide myself in shame of myself anymore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be accepted by others in order to reassure to myself that I am ok, and do not need to change in fact, because I am accepted, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the point of desire for acceptance within the context of allowing myself to see who I am in fact and to within self-honesty push and change myself so that I can accept myself within knowing that I am in fact walking as what is best for all within walking the process of stopping my mind and stopping myself as self-interest, within realizing that once I know within/as myself that I am in fact walking what is requires to be walked I will not be dependent on others to accept me, because I will accept myself without shame nor regret, within birthing into the physical myself as the self-commitment to walk what is best for all within equality and oneness   

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the desire to be accepted by others is showing me that I am not in fact accepting myself, and thus I require to investigate why am I not accepting myself and within self-honesty to change myself accordingly to the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, to a point where I am living self-acceptance within/as every breath as one and equal within/as myself, because only through accepting myself can I actually become one and equal within/as myself, and thus I realize that the desire to be accepted can be utilized as a self-support tool to show me points I am not satisfied within/as myself to investigate the self-judgment and my application within/as the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an experience that I need to please others in order for them to accept me, within the belief that if they accept me they will treat me in a way that will benefit me, instead of realizing that it is self-compromising to suppress myself as who I am in order to fit in according to an idea I have created in my mind, therefore, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer others acceptance of me rather than being here as myself within self-honesty and respecting myself as life through accepting myself within allowing myself to see who I have allowed myself to be and become, not through the eyes of judgment but rather through self-forgiveness to be able to take responsibility for that which is not self-supportive, through changing myself for real, from a starting point of equality and oneness and not from self-suppression within a starting point of wanting to be liked within self-interest.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the self-diminishment within the self-belief that I am unworthy and must change myself according to an idea in order to be accepted, within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I must be accepted to survive, not trusting myself as life to be here stable as life, no matter what others think of me

Self-Commitment Statements

I commit myself to investigate myself when/as I find myself going into the experience of desire to be accepted, within realizing that within this experience I am pointing myself back to self, showing self a point of self-judgment that requires forgiveness or a point of application that must be corrected within self-honesty. Thus, I commit myself to use the desire to be accepted as a tool for self-support within the process of birthing myself as life from the physical within becoming equal and one to/as myself

I commit myself to myself as life, I commit myself to walk the process of birthing myself as life from the physical through the practical tools of writing within self-honesty and self-forgiveness, I commit myself to allow myself to see all of myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, to allow myself to see myself without judgment within realizing that judgment is pointless and isn't effective within creating a practical change within/as myself

I commit myself to when acting within the desire to please, to stop and breathe, I commit myself to investigate the situations/people where I go into the experience/behavior of desire to please and within self-honest investigation to clear the point up as to never be directed by it again

Day 12 - The temper tantrum game – self commitment statements

Day 12 - The temper tantrum game – self commitment statements

Continuing my previous blog:

day11 - temper tantrum game

Earth's journey to life blog has been very supportive, go through the series in regards to temper tantrum for further/deeper perspective:

Day 43: Temper tantrum game

Day 45: Temper tantrum game Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 46: Temper tantrum game Self Forgiveness Statements continued…

Day 47: Temper tantrum game Self Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stopping myself as separation within participating within and playing out a temper tantrum, through realizing that by participating in a tantrum I am stating to myself that I am not in control of myself thus abdicating self-responsibility of the situation as myself, and that I have allowed emotion/desire/characters to direct me instead of pushing myself through writing and applying self-forgiveness to reveal/expose to myself the characters/desires that I have allowed to direct me, in order to be able to stand as self-directive principle by taking full responsibility for/as myself and not accepting anything less than who I am as life

I commit myself to not allow myself to emotionally manipulate myself into believing that I am not capable to handle this tantrum, that it is bigger than me, through realizing that I am here within/as breath, and that I have in fact created all the characters that I now believe to have control over me, I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I am the creator of all my characters that I have allowed to direct me and that I have been protecting through my tantrum, and thus realizing that as the creator I have the power/ability to stop then as I realize they are not of life, they are not real, and they only become real through my participation within/as them, thus I stop within/as breath within/as the physical as the only character that is in fact real

when I am faced with someone else participating within a temper tantrum, I commit myself to not allow myself to participate/support it by giving my allowance to the character and self-belief they have created, because I realize this is not who they are as life, but a self-created character that is not actually real but is an illusion that we have allowed ourselves to exist as and then to be controlled/directed by, and then to protect and fight to defend, I realize that participating within/as a temper tantrum is abusive towards self and others as self, and in in fact distracting self from actually seeing one's self  as one and equal as all as life, I realize that by supporting another's tantrum I am giving myself permission to participate in a tantrum of my own, thus not standing as support for another as myself within allowing and justifying my own character and tendency for a tantrum

I commit myself to stop myself as a temper tantrum within and as breath and to investigate the emotion/character/desire that I have allowed to accumulate within me to come to an explosion as a temper tantrum