Showing posts with label self investigation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self investigation. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
"writing is the dedicated action you take to structurally direct yourself to self trust and respect and value --its not just writing about anything--it is WHO you are when writing that counts" - Bernard Poolman
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize structurally and consistently the tool of writing myself to freedom as well as self forgiveness, thus, not giving myself the opportunity to see, face, self realize and change myself, as I state in words that how much I want to but, in action I have not been pushing myself to live into the physical the words I speak / think.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to day after day imagine in my mind as future projection how I face myself, realize myself and change myself to stop with the emotional abuse that I have been accepting and allowing within / as myself, and instead learning to actually live as self trust, as a living stand within the principle equality and oneness within and without - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of actually living this expression of self change, but instead I have only allowed myself to fantasize about it, while remaining who / what / how I am, giving myself and taking any excuse possible from small to large, instead of stopping the nonsense, taking a breath, and starting my process for myself, as myself, and in self dedication and honor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience self doubt as I'm writing these lines, as I have written them many times before, as many times I have committed myself to myself in words, but them have not followed through in action - and thus, each time I fail my own self commitment to myself I doubt myself that much more, and now I ask myself how will I make this time any different? How will I actually stand by my commitment / decision, and actually walk this process of self writing, self investigation, to build and develop myself as self honesty and self trust? What has been the missing ingredient that if I just find it I will be more likely to stand by my word? - and once again, as I write I realize, the ingredient is me obviously.
I am the one who must decide, I am the one who must live to my commitment day by day, breath by breath, moment by moment, no one else can do this for me, no one can force me to do this, I am actually alone in this, if I don't do this for myself, if I give up on myself that is what will be, it is really only up to me - funny enough, I have been so busy running away from taking responsibility in every aspect of myself, and here I see that I am my responsibility weather I take it or not, but whatever I do, I will have to live with the consequences, so there is no escape route - but I've seen this before - I know, realize, see and understand that I am responsible for myself, for my experience, for my thoughts and behavior, for my suffering, for my self interest and accepted abuse, and I see that I cannot crawl into a cave and wait till this scene is over and join life after intermission - it's funny, because life is like the theatre in so many ways, but not from the perspective that it isn't, this is my one life, there are no second chances, there is no dress rehearsal, and there is no actual audience, we are all the actors and no one is looking at anybody but themselves.
So who am I acting for? Why am I not stopping this charade, and starting over, in humbleness, in self honesty, in self investigation to actually get to the bottom of myself and start over fresh?.... What and why am I holding onto myself - I mean, if I look at my days the part of which I am actually experiencing joy are minute, though I act like I am very joyful, why do I do that? And why am I accepting this as the only way to be, when I know what needs to be done, I know what I must do to support myself, yet I stand in the face of the choice, whether to support myself or not, and I choose not - why do I not care about myself enough to support myself unconditionally? Who will support myself if not me? Who will embrace me but myself? How will I ever be able to give to another that which I am not even able to give to myself? Is this the source cause of my isolation? Am I too afraid to open up to myself so I don't dare opening up to / with another?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself, instead of looking practically at whether I can do this or not, and I see that yes, daily writing is something that practically I can indeed commit myself to, and so, I let go the past memories of failing myself within this very commitment, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail myself within not standing by / as my commitment to myself to write daily, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself deliberately within not standing by my commitment / decision to write, and within this, I realize that the only way to stand as this commitment is by writing daily, there is nothing big / great / energetic / special about it, simply writing daily.
So, here I am , starting over, dedicating myself to putting my past failures behind me, to let them go as to not keep them from holding me back - I am here now, and I commit myself to write and support myself as much as I can, and more - as I realize that the points that I am not supporting myself are not valid, and must be investigated and corrected.
Ok - so here was day 1, only a life time to go….
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Tuesday, March 19, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push myself, as to actually put in the effort, dedication and commitment to push myself, to motivate myself, to move myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find my "inner force" of which to push myself from, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation from my "inner force" as within a belief that there is a force separate from me, that I must find within myself and use, instead of realizing myself as one and equal with the force as myself, and thus realize that it isn't a separate force that must be found within myself but rather it is I that I mist find within self honesty, and within realizing myself as who I am and what I have become, to from knowing myself become the strength of me as me, not in separation, but as the living expression as me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push myself beyond my comfort zone, to push myself through the resistance, and within this allowing the force of the mind, as resistance to movement, to direct and control me, to force me into stagnation, not realizing that the force of the mind is in fact using my force as myself as my physical body, and thus, it's the greatest self manipulation / deception, as I am avoiding using my force on the one hand, and on the other hand my force is being used against me as my mind as resistance as myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in every moment of every breath I am in fact making a choice, I am either directing myself or allowing myself to be directed by the mind as following my feelings / emotions / thoughts / beliefs / fears / resistances and so on, and within allowing myself to be directed and controlled by the mind, as the choice I make in each moment, I am allowing myself to exist in consequences where I, and others, pay the price for my actions and words
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am not changing because it is time for action yet I am not taking action, and thus I am allowing myself to exist in inner conflict as I know what I must do yet I don't allow myself to do it as practical physical application, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when opportunity presents itself, as an opportunity I can walk out of my pattern as giving up / procrastination / self judgment and so on, instead of standing up within myself, I allow myself to give up once again, knowing in full awareness that I am harming myself, knowing in full awareness that I am going against myself, yet I do not stand and do not walk the practical application
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately give myself excuses and justifications and reasons and distractions as to not do that which I know I must do, to not dedicate in practicality to that which I know I must dedicate myself to - and thus, with every moment of every day I am allowing myself to drift further away from myself as myself in self honesty, as I grow the gap between myself as who I am and myself as who I want to become as self expression of self honesty and self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself deliberately as I see an opportunity of change and don't take it, and as I see it pass by me I take into consideration and calculate the price I will pay as self judgment, though I do not allow myself to see the entire picture, and so I am blinded by self interest within making the short term calculation of "oh, then I will not apply myself now and will experience some self judgment, I can take it" not seeing that it's not all about how I will experience myself for a few moments, because every moment that I allow myself to be directed by the mind I weaken myself as life, I abuse myself as life, I disregard myself as life, and thus I allow within my acceptance for all to participate in such construct, as I give my permission through my example of disregarding / abusing / weakening life itself - and so, I make my decision based on short sighted self interest, not allowing myself to see and realize the actual consequences of my participation within giving up as self diminishment - not even seeing the actual harm and abuse I am causing myself, never mind any body else - and so I make this decision blinded, within ignorance is bliss, but within myself in self honesty I know I must stand up for life as myself, though I am too careless to care enough about myself or anyone in existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, over the years, program myself to such an extent of enslavement to the mind, as to not care about myself or anything / anyone in existence, to not care for life, and so, I exist only within self interest of the mind, pretending to care, pretending to be good, when I do not even allow myself to do the one most basic thing as to care for myself, to look after myself in self respect self honor and self dignity, within living as an example of self responsibility in self honesty - where, as long as I can't live as self expression of self care / honor / respect, how can I ever believe myself to be anything but self interest and pure evil - just as a mother that will not care or her children, abuse them and disregard their life - as that mother towards her child - I am towards myself - and it is equally unacceptable and a reflection of the evil ways of self interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to this conclusion time and time again, yet, when the point is here for me to stand up for myself, to stand up and support myself through self corrective application, as to write myself out, to self investigate any reaction that come up within me, to forgive myself and correct myself in breath - when these opportunities arrive, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to walk these points, but instead to ignore them as myself time and time again, not realizing that I am deeming myself into a time lop, as the point will be walked sooner or later, and thus, every time I miss the opportunity I am simply delaying the next point to open up, while inviting this one to open up with greater force
I realize I have been avoiding looking at the specifics of this point, as opening up the dimensions as the actual back chat, thoughts, imaginations, connection, definitions, fears - all points as the specific mind components that have been building up this point of giving up, as not applying myself, as self sabotaging my process, and so, I commit myself to walk this point through in all it's dimensions, because I realize that without seeing all the small details of this point I will not be able to free myself from it.
To be continued
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Tuesday, February 19, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
What I didn't realize is that not everything is in my control, actually, when looking at it, almost nothing is.
What happened was that I had made the decision, but then I had to communicate to others that are involved with the point, and it turned out that the opportunity that I was preparing myself for, was no longer available, I had waited too long, or maybe it wasn't even available to begin with - come to think about it, it was never actually presented to me as a real opportunity but just as an idea, and I took the idea as reality, and started planning and projecting lovely imaginations of my predicted future, "now that I have made the decision and have already changed my life"… lol…
Anyway, for a moment there, when I was told the opportunity was not on the table, I wasn't laughing, I was actually very disappointed, and felt foolish for have seen it as a done deal in my mind, as a future projections and imaginations, existing in a complete illusion - Because, the opportunity was never actually here, as a real physical opportunity, it was merely an idea - but I didn't see it as such, I had run ahead of myself in complete separation from reality, from myself, from what is here. Telling people about this life changing decision, writing about it here in my blog, and really believing that because I had made the decision, that the point is done - believing that this is how life works, I decide on something and it simply happens…
What's cool about these previous days in regards to the decision is that I actually took it, I made the decision, what I didn't realize that it's not all up to me, and there are other forces at play, other people in the game.
So, after my initial disappointment, I tried to figure out what I had done wrong, was it because I told people about it, should I have kept it to myself until the deal was closed? Was it because I got so excited about it, is this existence punishing me through the polarity excitement / disappointment? Was it because of the fear and worry that came up within me, did I manifest my fears of failing and have failed myself before even starting anything?...
At this point I realized that I am not actually looking nor investigating in self honesty, but that I am now busy blaming myself, pointing a blaming finger at myself in anger, as if I have failed myself for missing this chance - I realized I am participating in energy as looking to see where I was wrong, not from a practical starting point of common sense as to learn from the situation and to expand from it, to realize another layer of myself, but from an energetic starting point of blame, as a form of self punishment, and thus, I felt worse by the minute as I found more and more points that I didn't stand in breath - so I became angry with myself, and not realizing that once again I've been busy getting lost in my mind instead of breathing here, in realizing that nothing physically had changed from a moment ago, everything that was here a moment ago is still here, I am here, and that which was never here was not really taken away as I experienced it.
I believed my mind created future projections to be of reality, and so I then experienced loss, as if I lost something that I had, but really I just lost an idea, an illusion, there was nothing to lose really - within this I realize that even if there was something to lose, would that justify my self blame and anger, would that justify allowing myself to experience this energetic experience as a form of self punishment? Even if there was something to lose, would I really be losing anything, or just an idea, a self definition, an energetic attachment?... I could really only lose something either created in my mind as an illusion, or something I have separated from myself and have placed value in that thing instead of equalizing myself to it, and thus experiencing loss, as if I am losing that part of myself that I haven't claimed as myself in equality.
I then experienced shame and embarrassment for telling people and now having to face them and telling them that I was premature, and that what I told them was not based on reality, not noticing that I was again in my mind, in future projections as to how will I face them, how will they react? Will they mock me for being so foolish, will they pity me for losing my opportunity?...
Man, why do I keep doing this, trying to solve things in my mind, always trying to figure things out in my mind, never allowing myself to simply be here, to breathe in self trust, to slow myself down, to return to myself, to return to the physical as myself, to be here, to live. I mean, what actually happened? Nothing really, I had a plan and it changed, I decided to do something and it didn't work out due to things that are out of my control - that's all that happened, but instead of seeing it realistically, I have spent all that time in my mind, creating and building up energy, creating and accumulating ideas, interpretations, beliefs, judgments, blame, justifications and so on, basically creating internal friction and conflict, creating my own suffering through my acceptance, allowance and participation within / as the mind.
I realize though, that my mind isn't the problem, all it does is reflects me back to myself, as through my participation with my mind I can see who I am as the beingness of myself, as what I have been accepting and allowing as myself. So, what is my mind showing me? It is showing me who I am, who I, as the beingness as myself, am accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be - lets have a look: self doubt, self hatred / anger / shame, self neglect / abuse / separation / hope / illusion - it is showing me that I don't know who I am, and that I am looking for myself in the future as a mind illusion, instead of realizing that I am right here, and since I am in fact right here, in every moment, I can get to know myself, let go the barrier of self judgment, and find myself within myself, here - I will not be more than myself if the future plays out as I planed, just as I will not be less of myself if it doesn't - yet, this is how I experience it, thus, my mind is showing me that I am not unconditional towards myself, my self value is dependent on how reality plays out, and within it my self respect, self honor, self love, self dignity - if this is who I am, as what I accept myself to be, what I created myself as, then I defiantly want to change.
Why am I not embracing myself in my own arms, like I would an innocent child? why am I beating myself up over this? Why am I looking to blaming myself? Am I doing so in order to justify to myself my self believed worthlessness once again?
This is so messed up!!!
How did I become this self abusive creature? Torturing myself in believing the abusive illusions of the mind while disregarding what is here as the physical, instead of supporting myself to stand as life, to empower myself, to build self trust, to find self care within and as myself and to embrace myself within myself, in understanding that I have created myself as who I am over years, and it will take self dedication to change myself, it will take a process, and as long as I am walking there is no point on beating myself up, because beating myself up is part of the "old me" that I want to change, I don't want to be that person that beats themselves up for making mistakes, it's sad.
In the blogs to come I will open up the points in self forgiveness, to investigate the points further, to answer all the questions that came up here, to understand myself more, to forgive myself, to allow myself to let go, and to direct myself to change.
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Tuesday, December 18, 2012
This blog is a part of a blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”
Day 1 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Introduction
Day 2 - Physics and the Desteni Process – Newton's First Law of Motion - the Principle of Inertia
Day 3 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Newton's Third Law of Motion - Equal Force
Day 4 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Newton's Second Law of Motion
Day 5 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Scientific Paradigm
Day 6 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Newton's Second Law of Motion - Forces
I have moved the physics blog series to a separate blog : http://physicsjournettolife.blogspot.com/
When I first started writing about physics I made a list of some concepts, principles and laws that I would like to address within showing how they reflect our reality in a broader way and how they reflect and support the principle of equality as the law that govern our reality. I then started with the most basic and tangible part of physics - mechanics. Though, the more I wrote the more I realized how much investigation is necessary for me to be sufficiently clear about the points, both from the physics perspective, and from the perspective of bringing it together with the principle of equality - I've been doing so within questioning the interpretations of the laws/principles/concepts and taking them into consideration from the starting point of learning from them how we can support ourselves as humanity, as life, to stop the direction we have allowed ourselves to accelerate in, and change ourselves to a direction that is best for all, coinciding with the natural forces as the principle of equilibrium and equality.
As I was sitting down to write my blog today I didn't know how to continue and I panicked - in the past few days I have been experiencing a sense of high, as I've been riding the mind's energy, instead of grounding myself here, and walking step by step, breath by breath, point by point , and today when I didn't know how to continue I fell to the polarity of the high that I had accumulated through out the past few days, and found myself today experiencing myself overwhelmed by it all. Overwhelmed by the vast field of physics - feeling myself inadequate, as too small to take it on, perceiving these points/concepts are too big for me to grasp, too big for me to interpret, too big for me question, too big for me to understand. Overwhelmed by the positive feedback I've been receiving - experiencing an energetic high within realizing that people are actually reading what I'm writing, experiencing myself as visible / seen / known / famous , and as a result experiencing a sense of responsibility within the desire to stand up to the expectations that I have projected on the readers and within that going into fear of not keeping up with myself and not writing a worthy / clear / direct / accurate post. Overwhelmed by the depth and vastness of reality as the physical as what is here, and overwhelmed by the fact that I don't have all the answers, I don't know what reality is, I don't see the full picture - I am just working it out, and scared of making mistakes, scared of failing myself, scared of being challenged on what I've written and not knowing how to explain, not knowing how to back it up effectively. Overwhelmed by the feeling that I'm doing something valuable and within it feeling special and unique, overwhelmed by the thought that this could be an important series, that if done correctly and effectively may benefit someone else besides myself, or dare I say humanity - I now see that within this all I had lost myself, I had forgotten my starting point, or actually, I've realized that I haven't established a clear starting point within myself to begin with.
I went into overwhelmingness instead of realizing that what I am doing isn't special or unique but is simply normal. Doing things like this, writing, expanding, exploring, investigating, sharing, for the best interest of all - this is what normal should be - a being investigating a point and sharing it equally for all to see, not from a pretentious starting point of knowing it all but walking it from a humble starting point of equality, as the being learns the point, they share the point as it opens up, as they expand through the investigation and allow all to learn and expand as well, showing that all points that are here, can be known by all equally and understood by all in simplicity.
What I've been doing within writing this blog series should be experienced by me as simply normal, yet I've never lived this kind of "normal" - I've always interpreted normal as mediocre, boring, uninteresting, unimportant, invaluable - and thus by walking the point of physics, I have become involved, participating and creating something interesting, exciting and valuable - I couldn't see it as normal, and I couldn't help myself from going to overwhelmingness, because I've never done anything like this before, I've always been so busy entertaining myself and doubting myself, that I've never allowed myself to express myself in the learning stages of a process and share myself for others to learn as well. Thus, normal should be, and actually is, if we allow ourselves to see the common sense within it, expanding together as one, equalizing ourselves through assisting and supporting each other, each one in their field of interest, seeing that no point is too big, everything can be broken down to it's basics, we can all be equally knowledgeable, equally understand this reality and equally participate and contribute, we can equally support ourselves to empower ourselves to be more than we have ever allowed ourselves to be within taking self responsibility and changing ourselves into self excellence, to then change reality as a whole as what is best for all, for all life to live, and enjoy, and express, and expand together as equal individuals.
How have we accepted a world that doing that which is best for all, standing up for life is seen as something big, special and extraordinary, when it should be the most natural and normal thing, and it's not as if we are inventing something, creating some form of magic, manifesting something new - we are basically picking up after ourselves, cleaning up the mess that we have created through our acceptance and direct participation in the current world system as all the construct within our world are based on the distractive nature of self interest, greed and desire for power - so why is cleaning up one's own mess, correcting one's own mistakes, clearing up one's own misunderstandings, perceived as something special, when it is in fact the most sane, sensible, logical and normal thing to do?...
So here I am starting over, establishing myself within my starting point, realizing that I am not doing anything special, I am writing myself to freedom, walking my own journey to life, braking down a subject that I have access to so that all can have equal access, expressing myself as I investigate the point, as I am learning it, rediscovering it and redefining it to be aligned with what is best for all. I am expanding myself through investigating the point of physics, I am challenging myself to question it and interpret it within the principle of equality as what is best for all, I am practicing critical thinking, I am practicing my own self expression , I am empowering myself through allowing myself to contribute where I can, I am learning about myself and enjoying myself - finally I am doing what is the sane, sensible, logical and normal thing to do.
More on this point in my next blog, and after I clear this mess up with self forgiveness and self commitment statements I will continue with the physics point, slowly but surely, one breath at a time.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Saturday, December 1, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blog:
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Assertive - Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
Being assertive is a point that has been an issue for
me for a very long time, I’ve never felt comfortable within the expression of
assertiveness - there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggressiveness,
and I would either cross the line and express myself as aggressive, or would go
to the other side of expressing myself as a joker, not taking myself seriously
by giggling, making it seam unimportant. So, instead of being clear, direct and
assertive, I would be aggressive, attacking and demanding, or i would be funny,
unserious and joking - both from a starting point of fear, a fear of not being
heard,
fear of not being taken seriously, both within a starting point of not trusting
myself within/as a clear and direct expression, not trusting myself that
expressing myself within stability, simply being here as self expression, would
be enough, so the aggression would be like a threat - "you better listen to me",
and the joking would be a giving up as self disregard - "I'm just kidding, you
don't have to take me seriously".
There is a specific point within my resistance to being assertive and that is to receive an "inappropriate" or a not supportive response from others, from a perspective of not being taken seriously. When I think of standing and speaking assertively, I see myself saying something and actually meaning it being serious about it, but because everybody knows me as a joker/silly it is disregarded and not taken seriously, as i am left standing there, shameful for being ignored, insulted for not being heard.
As I am writing this, I see that this thoughts/projection actually comes from a specific memory - I was in a course in the army with a group of girls for three weeks, on a daily basis. most of the time I was joking around and being silly, laughing and making others laugh as well, not being too serious, and basically just enjoying myself and having fun. At one point there was a discussion in the class and I shared my perspective, and I was very serious about what i had said – but, instead of taking what I had said seriously, as a valid contribution to the conversation, some of the girls laughed as a response to what I had said, as if anything i would say is a joke and not to be taken seriously - I was very insulted and angry at them for treating me like that, for not listening to me, for disregarding what i had to say without hearing me out - I later brought it up in front of the group, they said that since I'm always joking they were sure I was kidding about this as well...
I felt like I have cheated myself, I have been presenting myself in a funny, silly way, and have robbed myself the option of being serious because I have created an idea in their minds and now, instead of listening to what I am saying , they can only see me through the silly idea they have of me.
I took the situation very personally, I felt like I was transparent, not seen, if they only saw me as a joker, which was only an external layer, then they didn't really see me at all, thus I resented them, and blamed them for not seeing me when in fact, I have allowed myself to consistently present myself as "the joker" character, and thus have not allowed myself to express myself as here, within breath, within self honesty - so they could see only that which I showed them, and since I was hiding behind the "joker" character - how could they have seen me?
I realize that being a joker as a character is a form of coping mechanism, thus instead of allowing myself to be here, and express myself as who/what I really am, instead of allowing myself to be clear and direct about what I am saying, I have suppressed any expression of myself, and allowed the joker to take over other characters to protect me from being hurt again, and thus have created myself, very convincingly, as the joker, thus, I am the one responsible for them thinking I was joking, and not taking me seriously.
This memory made me take a step back from ever trying to speak assertively/seriously because I have created a belief that I won’t ever be taken seriously - then what's the point? through this I have always created myself as the joker, to avoid having to relive the experience/situation of saying something ‘for real’ and being disregarded, and thus I have been living my life as the joker, not allowing myself to expose myself as who i am, as what i actually mean to say, as my actual clear and direct point of view - due to fear of being disregarded. Over the years I have forgotten it was a choice and have allowed it to become a self belief a self definition, believing that I am in fact incapable of being serious, assertive, clear and direct and thus continue expressing myself as the joker, proving to myself that all I am is the joker, justifying to myself why I'm not allowing myself to take myself seriously instead of stopping myself, clearing my starting point, clearing the memory and allowing myself to be every expression as life, not limited within fear of facing other's reactions ever again.
In order to justify to myself why I won't allow myself to express myself as assertive or serious I have created a relationship of polarity within myself towards such expressions, connecting them to aggressive and evil expressions, and thus, since I see myself as a good, nice person, as the main character I have created myself as, I can't be associated with aggressive and evil expressions, thus I cannot be serious or assertive because that would contradict my inner self definition.
So basically, instead of allowing myself to be assertive, here, within self expression, expressing myself as who I am within stability and clarity, I would go to either side of the extreme polarity, of either becoming aggressive, or becoming the joker. thus, when I try to imagine myself being assertive, there is a double reaction within myself, there is a fear, a fear from the aggressive aspect I have attached to it, a fear of exposing the beast within me, and the other reaction is an inner laughter, I laugh within myself, at myself, for putting on such a bad act, since within myself I believe that I am not that, not serious, not assertive, thus it's an act, and I can see right through it.
I find that when I do express myself in assertiveness I will either end up with a giggle or a joke, to "ease the seriousness", or I will end up crying as I have built up energy as aggression to have the courage to speak up, and it would be a release of all the built up energy, or I would simply be aggressive, not allowing the other to have a word, not leaving any one else any room to express themselves.
I see it like sitting on either side of the seesaw, going up and down from the joker to being aggressive and back again, instead of finding the center, the point of equilibrium, where I am stable and clear and direct, and speak/express myself from that point of stability - the center of the seesaw is where assertiveness exists, and I have been avoiding that place of stability due to fear, due to not trusting myself that I, as who I am within self honesty will every be enough.
Obviously, it would be best for all if I were to learn to
express myself within assertiveness, and not allow myself to participate in any
expression that is derived from fear, and as I’ve clearly seen, both the joker
and the aggressive expressions, are derived from fear and thus are
unacceptable.
So, I commit myself here, to myself, to start a process of becoming assertive as myself, as who I am, stopping the separation I have created towards assertiveness, investigate all points further, to bring myself to a point of self expression, as who I am , expressing myself as a clear, direct and stable stand
I commit myself to support myself within and as breath, to make it my nature to breathe before I speak, to be clear within myself, to let go the fear of the reactions of others, and to speak clearly and directly
I commit myself to slow myself down, to breathe, to correct myself and forgive myself in the moment, if I see myself going to the joker, or aggressive characters, and bring myself back here, within/as breath to a clear, direct and assertiveness with my expression
I commit myself to dedicate the next 21 days to focus on my expression, I will write about points that come up during my day, and clear myself within the next 21 day, showing myself what I have created within and as myself, where/why/when have I compromised myself as self expression, as a direct clear expression of who I am, to be able to stop such self compromise and start living, breathing, expressing, here
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Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Assertive - Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
There is a specific point within my resistance to being assertive and that is to receive an "inappropriate" or a not supportive response from others, from a perspective of not being taken seriously. When I think of standing and speaking assertively, I see myself saying something and actually meaning it being serious about it, but because everybody knows me as a joker/silly it is disregarded and not taken seriously, as i am left standing there, shameful for being ignored, insulted for not being heard.
As I am writing this, I see that this thoughts/projection actually comes from a specific memory - I was in a course in the army with a group of girls for three weeks, on a daily basis. most of the time I was joking around and being silly, laughing and making others laugh as well, not being too serious, and basically just enjoying myself and having fun. At one point there was a discussion in the class and I shared my perspective, and I was very serious about what i had said – but, instead of taking what I had said seriously, as a valid contribution to the conversation, some of the girls laughed as a response to what I had said, as if anything i would say is a joke and not to be taken seriously - I was very insulted and angry at them for treating me like that, for not listening to me, for disregarding what i had to say without hearing me out - I later brought it up in front of the group, they said that since I'm always joking they were sure I was kidding about this as well...
I felt like I have cheated myself, I have been presenting myself in a funny, silly way, and have robbed myself the option of being serious because I have created an idea in their minds and now, instead of listening to what I am saying , they can only see me through the silly idea they have of me.
I took the situation very personally, I felt like I was transparent, not seen, if they only saw me as a joker, which was only an external layer, then they didn't really see me at all, thus I resented them, and blamed them for not seeing me when in fact, I have allowed myself to consistently present myself as "the joker" character, and thus have not allowed myself to express myself as here, within breath, within self honesty - so they could see only that which I showed them, and since I was hiding behind the "joker" character - how could they have seen me?
I realize that being a joker as a character is a form of coping mechanism, thus instead of allowing myself to be here, and express myself as who/what I really am, instead of allowing myself to be clear and direct about what I am saying, I have suppressed any expression of myself, and allowed the joker to take over other characters to protect me from being hurt again, and thus have created myself, very convincingly, as the joker, thus, I am the one responsible for them thinking I was joking, and not taking me seriously.
This memory made me take a step back from ever trying to speak assertively/seriously because I have created a belief that I won’t ever be taken seriously - then what's the point? through this I have always created myself as the joker, to avoid having to relive the experience/situation of saying something ‘for real’ and being disregarded, and thus I have been living my life as the joker, not allowing myself to expose myself as who i am, as what i actually mean to say, as my actual clear and direct point of view - due to fear of being disregarded. Over the years I have forgotten it was a choice and have allowed it to become a self belief a self definition, believing that I am in fact incapable of being serious, assertive, clear and direct and thus continue expressing myself as the joker, proving to myself that all I am is the joker, justifying to myself why I'm not allowing myself to take myself seriously instead of stopping myself, clearing my starting point, clearing the memory and allowing myself to be every expression as life, not limited within fear of facing other's reactions ever again.
In order to justify to myself why I won't allow myself to express myself as assertive or serious I have created a relationship of polarity within myself towards such expressions, connecting them to aggressive and evil expressions, and thus, since I see myself as a good, nice person, as the main character I have created myself as, I can't be associated with aggressive and evil expressions, thus I cannot be serious or assertive because that would contradict my inner self definition.
So basically, instead of allowing myself to be assertive, here, within self expression, expressing myself as who I am within stability and clarity, I would go to either side of the extreme polarity, of either becoming aggressive, or becoming the joker. thus, when I try to imagine myself being assertive, there is a double reaction within myself, there is a fear, a fear from the aggressive aspect I have attached to it, a fear of exposing the beast within me, and the other reaction is an inner laughter, I laugh within myself, at myself, for putting on such a bad act, since within myself I believe that I am not that, not serious, not assertive, thus it's an act, and I can see right through it.
I find that when I do express myself in assertiveness I will either end up with a giggle or a joke, to "ease the seriousness", or I will end up crying as I have built up energy as aggression to have the courage to speak up, and it would be a release of all the built up energy, or I would simply be aggressive, not allowing the other to have a word, not leaving any one else any room to express themselves.
I see it like sitting on either side of the seesaw, going up and down from the joker to being aggressive and back again, instead of finding the center, the point of equilibrium, where I am stable and clear and direct, and speak/express myself from that point of stability - the center of the seesaw is where assertiveness exists, and I have been avoiding that place of stability due to fear, due to not trusting myself that I, as who I am within self honesty will every be enough.
Obviously, it would be best for all if I were to learn to
express myself within assertiveness, and not allow myself to participate in any
expression that is derived from fear, and as I’ve clearly seen, both the joker
and the aggressive expressions, are derived from fear and thus are
unacceptable.So, I commit myself here, to myself, to start a process of becoming assertive as myself, as who I am, stopping the separation I have created towards assertiveness, investigate all points further, to bring myself to a point of self expression, as who I am , expressing myself as a clear, direct and stable stand
I commit myself to support myself within and as breath, to make it my nature to breathe before I speak, to be clear within myself, to let go the fear of the reactions of others, and to speak clearly and directly
I commit myself to slow myself down, to breathe, to correct myself and forgive myself in the moment, if I see myself going to the joker, or aggressive characters, and bring myself back here, within/as breath to a clear, direct and assertiveness with my expression
I commit myself to dedicate the next 21 days to focus on my expression, I will write about points that come up during my day, and clear myself within the next 21 day, showing myself what I have created within and as myself, where/why/when have I compromised myself as self expression, as a direct clear expression of who I am, to be able to stop such self compromise and start living, breathing, expressing, here
For Further Support, a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out Links:
Desteni
Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
Equal Money System
Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life
Monday, November 26, 2012
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 100 - What is REAL
Day 101 - What is REAL - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
I realize that all that I exist as, as the mind, is an illusion - not only an illusion, but an abusive one, an illusion that is directly abusing myself through creating conflict and friction, creating an unstable experience of ups and downs, that then, as an outflow I allow it to directs me to abuse others to have a sense of control and stability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind, as allowing myself to experience ups and downs and then to try and have a sense of control through playing power games with those around me, trying to win, through any means necessary including the allowance of direct and indirect abuse
I realize that I have allowed the mind to play tricks on me, as I allow myself to experience blame or resentment towards someone in my environment, and I believe it to be so, I believe the blame and resentment to be valid, when in fact there are always many layers beneath it, that I am not allowing myself to see through my acceptance and participation with the mind's illusion. When and as I see myself going into the mind, as a reaction towards another in my environment, as blame and resentment, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that this is an opportunity to stop my participation with the mind, it's an opportunity to see/find/face another layer within myself that I have been hiding from myself through/within my acceptance of the blame / resentment, thus, I direct myself to see the reaction as a gift and not judge myself for it but rather allow myself to look within self honesty and find the point that is revealing itself, right beneath the surface, if I would only be willing to see it. Within this I realize that the reaction I am experiencing towards another is actually a point of self support, if I allow myself to take it as such, if I allow myself to investigate myself within self honesty, thus, I commit myself, when and as I react to another, to ask myself, and allow myself to see what am I showing myself, what have I been resisting changing through not allowing myself to see, what have I been trying to hold onto? Within this I realize that the mind is creating distractions for me to not have to face myself, and within my participation I am allowing it to continue doing so, as an agreement I have made with my mind, allowing it to distract me from seeing points I don't want to see, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself, to prefer living in an illusion, to continue existing in fear, instead of allowing myself to face myself within realizing that it is all within myself, it is me, there is nothing to fear, it is not something separate that can hurt me, it is me, thus I commit myself to apply self honesty, and will myself to face myself, because I realize only through allowing myself to face myself will I be able to stop being directed by the mind, and start directing myself as actual self support, and from there to change myself and become a human being that can be trusted
I realize that I have accepted these illusions because I have not been self honest with myself, thus I have allowed myself to hide the actuality of myself within separation of myself, doing so within self interest, as I prefer existing as a lie that makes me look good and justifies myself rather than facing the truth, as the actual reality of who I am, which would imply taking responsibility for my experience/behavior/reaction and all that I participate with and exist as. Thus, I realize that I have been deliberate in my acceptance of the mind, as a preference not to see/face myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from myself deliberately through my acceptance and participation within/as the mind, I commit myself to stop this, I commit myself push through the resistance and take self responsibility through first of all seeing/facing who I am, and within self forgiveness to start letting go of the constructs of myself
I realize that I have been existing as the mind without ever questioning it, I realize I have allowed myself to play dumb and hope that those that taught me all that I know, knew what they were talking about, and thus not seeing myself as responsible because I blindly trusted others, instead of using common sense, within seeing reality for hat it is, and within the directive of creating a world that is worth living in for all as the only accepted possibility for existence, I forgive myself for accepting reality as it is and thus have compromised myself, my children and all of life, instead of expanding myself and allowing myself to see that we create the world through our acceptance and allowance, and if the world is unacceptable it's because we are allowing it to continue as it is, and that only we/I can change it through allowing myself to step out of the mind, that has created this mess, and take responsibility and direct myself to create myself as trust worthy, and in turn a world that is life worthy for all
I commit myself to investigate the desteni material, to understand the design of the mind, so that I can stop taking all of it personally within guilt and shame and can start changing my relationship to it, I realize the value of understanding what I am dealing, and I realize it's my responsibility to self educate myself as to how it works, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself excuses as to why not investigate the material, I realize that it will take dedication and perseverance, and that even though I have never done it before, I know it's up to me to do it now, thus I commit myself to dedicate myself to understanding how the mind works through listening to the information provided by desteni, and to apply the information daily into myself within investigating myself as to not allow it to become another idea/perspective/interpretation/belief, but to see/investigate for myself, within my life, within my patterns, and to prove to myself it's validity
I realize that by participating within/as the mind as thoughts / feelings / emotions / reaction, I am only considering myself and disregarding all of existence and all living beings within it, within this I realize that I have been justifying myself within self interest because from the perspective of the mind, only I exist, only I count, only I need to be considered, thus, I haven't allowed myself to care about anything but myself, I have been existing in isolation for everything and everyone through existing in/as the mind - I realize that this world would be a great place if we all stop living in isolation, and within this I realize that my personal experience would be way cooler if I stop allowing myself to be enslaved to the mind in isolation, and start living as one with all life that is here, considering all that is here, caring for all that is here, and actually caring for myself.
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