Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness

This blog is a follow up from my previous blog

Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1

Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness

Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments

Just to be clear with myself as to what i am writing about: the definition of “spite” from online dictionary - Spite - Malicious ill will prompting an urge to hurt or humiliate.

I am continuing with the character of spitefulness and how I have created it through using it as an outflow of participation within other characters, on tonight's blog I will address the following characters that I found I fall into and in turn accept myself as spiteful

 

 

Blame – Annoyance – Superiority – Inferiority – Worthlessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in spitefulness wither thoughts/words/actions/behavior, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a deliberate harmful/abusive thought/word/deed not taking into consideration the consequences of such participation within myself, the other and existence as a whole, within not realizing that by participating within/as spitefulness I am giving my allowance for all spitefulness to exist within the principle of as within so without, and thus by not allowing myself to stop myself as spitefulness I allow the construct of spitefulness to continue everywhere, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push/will myself to stop myself as spitefulness due to realizing that the responsibility goes much further beyond my privet experience, there is an outflow that effects everything and everyone, and thus I am responsible to stop myself or live with the regret for not stopping and allowing it/myself to continue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when/as I go into the blame character within believing that someone had done me wrong, or had done something that they shouldn't have, or that they are responsible for some form of consequence that is not in my best interest, I allow myself to go into spitefulness towards them, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame as a justification for me to be spiteful towards another being, through believing they did something wrong within judging them in my mind and while accepting the blame/judgment I then allow myself to participate in harmful/abusive thoughts/words/actions towards them, as allowing myself a form of poetic justice within believing they are to blame and thus I spite them as punishment/revenge/deliberate consequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed by others for various reasons and within becoming annoyed at them, within believing that they are the cause of my annoyance, within judging them for not being as I wish them to be for me not to get annoyed, within justifying myself within accepting the annoyance due to how they are / how they express themselves what they are doing, I then allow myself to spite them in my mind as thoughts of wanting to hard them, wanting them to experience the uncomfortability/pain I am experiencing, not allowing myself to see for one moment that I am the only one responsible for my reactions/feelings/emotions, and thus if I am experiencing annoyance I must look within self and investigate why/how I have created this experience within/as myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the point of annoyance and go automatically to spitefulness while not allowing myself to face myself and bring myself to a point of change within taking self responsibility of/for myself in every thought/word/action/experience within/as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within spitefulness from a starting point of superiority, where I have defined myself as better then the other person and thus experience myself as superior due to specific criteria, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when such people that I experience myself as superior to, do something that justifies my superiority, as in proves my superiority to be correct, I go into spitefulness and allow myself to spite the in my thoughts/words/actions, where I, through expressing spitefulness towards them within or without, show to myself/others how much more I am then the other being through allowing myself to spite them as it is interpreted by me as a form of power, thus proving my superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness towards people that I experience myself as inferior to within allowing myself to compare myself to them and exist within constant competition with them of which I always perceive myself as the loser, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them within myself within believing that they are doing it to me, and thus I allow myself to spite them to show myself within my mind that I am able to hurt them and thus am not actually inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as worthless, and within that experience being bad/negative I want to stop it within self interest, and thus I turn to spitefulness as a point of showing myself that I have worth through being able to hurt others, thus validating myself as worth living through my ability of hurting/abusing another as if in a way the ability to have an effect on another is proof that I am alive, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the mind experience of unworthiness to bring me to a position that I don't care about what harm/abuse I create as long as I have an effect as that will prove to me that I have value

Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments

This blog is a follow up from my previous blog

Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1

Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness

Today I am walking the corrective statements on the self forgiveness I wrote on yesterday's blog, regarding the characters that I have been participating within and that have been the source/justification for the spiteful character

I commit myself to continue investigating/forgiving the point of spitefulness that I have allowed myself to exist as, and to through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement, walk myself into correcting, through supporting myself within/as breath as I see myself go into the character of spitefulness wither within thoughts as back chat, words or deeds, thus I commit myself, through writing and exposing to myself the dimension of spitefulness, to build up my awareness of myself as to be able to see the character of spiteful and stop it before I actually act on it, and continue investigating the point until I have walked it and have stopped myself from all/any participation within/as the character of spitefulness, as it is completely unacceptable and only designed to create conflict within and without as a way to tempt me and others to participate within/as energy which is designed to consume the physical as ourselves and to separate us from being here as the physical as life

I commit myself to investigate myself within/as competition as I realize that there is no justification for competition as it creates a world of winners and losers and thus can never be of actually of support to all as equals, thus any participation within competition is by definition destructive/abusive/evil, and thus I commit myself to stop myself through applying the desteni tools, and within that I commit myself to when seeing myself going into spitefulness within the character of competition to stop myself within/as breath as i have realized that it is a dead end in terms of nothing supportive will come out of it, it is a loop of spitefulness that ends with just more spitefulness and thus pointless and unnecessary

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into the character of arrogance, I commit myself to further investigate the character of arrogance as to be able to see it's dimensions and within seeing allowing myself to stop myself at earlier and earlier stages of my participation/creation within/as this character, within this, I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into spitefulness through the character of arrogance, as I have seen, realized and understood that it is a construct/design that I am participating within to create an energetic reaction within me and the other, thus supporting the mind as it feeds off of what is actually here as the physical, I commit myself to stop myself from participating within/as spitefulness/arrogance, because I realize I have been doing so to present/experience myself as powerful, as a cover up of the actual inner experience of inferiority/weakness that I have created myself as and have allowed myself to exist as, within this I commit myself to, any time I see myself going into/participation within arrogance/sinfulness to stop myself within breath and take a look at what am I trying to hide from myself within the actual experience of myself of inferiority/worthlessness , I commit myself to investigate why/how I have defined myself as more/better than the other through which I have allowed myself to believe myself to be more than them, because I realize that it is merely a mind construct/design created by myself through copying from those around me, within trying to present myself as more than, instead of realizing equality and living as what is bets for all within support for all as equals

I commit myself to further investigate the point of impatience within me, within the character of impatience I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and express myself as spitefulness, not realizing that the point of impatience is created by myself within/as myself and thus acting in spitefulness indicates that I am blaming the other for creating the experience of impatience within me, thus not taking self responsibility for the totality of myself within realizing that no one else can create an experience within me but me, so within this I commit myself to when/as I see myself going into impatience I stop myself within/as breath, I bring myself back here to the physical body which is the reality of myself, I allow myself to take the point back to self and look at what have I allowed to trigger within me the character of impatience and within seeing the point of trigger to forgive myself for it and let it go, to bring myself to a point of total self directive principle as not allowing any external trigger to direct me as the experience of myself, within this I commit myself to stop the link between impatience and spitefulness because I realize that through it I am creating another layer within myself as separation of/from myself, so I breathe, I stop, I investigate, until I am walking, clear, as breath, here, as life.

I commit myself to further investigate the point of jealousy, I realize that any jealousy within me is a projection of self judgment onto another within spitefulness, and this is unacceptable, I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into the back chat/thoughts of jealousy where I compare myself to another and perceive them to be/have all that I want to be/have, within this I commit myself to if/when I see myself going into jealousy, I stop and breathe, I allow myself to investigate the point of accepted self judgment within/as myself, I realize it is not about the other being, they are merely a reflection/mirror supporting me to see/face myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as, thus I commit myself to realize this point of jealousy as support, as it is what is here and thus I can work with it in seeing another layer/pattern/behavior/character of myself, and thus I am grateful for any experience of jealousy that come up and commit myself to walk through it within writing/self forgiveness/corrective statements to see what am I jealous of, what am I showing myself what have I been hiding from myself through automatically going into spitefulness and not staying with my focus on myself but diverting my focus on the other which is simply here as support as a mirror - always showing me myself, if I allow myself to open my eyes and see

I commit myself to further investigate the point/character of revenge within me, I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of revenge within thoughts/words/actions as expressed within the spiteful character, within realizing that any point of revenge is created through blame and abdication of self responsibility within allowing abuse, within this I commit myself to stopping myself within the desire to hurt another within spitefulness/abuse due to the justification that they deserve it as revenge because I believe they have done me wrong, within this I commit myself to stop myself from judging others due to realizing that my reaction towards them and allowing myself to blame them is a point of not facing myself within self honesty, within this I realize that I must focus on myself and walk my own process first, that means that each and every reaction I have towards another is an opportunity for me to come closer to myself, so to speak, and allow my to see more of me as who I have created myself as and have been hiding this creation from myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself as revenge from a starting point of realizing that I do not know/see the entirety of the other being, thus do not see the big picture of who they are, and within this through revenge spitefulness I am allowing myself to limited them into/as a one dimensional idea I have created about them and within this idea have decided upon myself to revenge their actions, instead of simply stopping, breathing, bringing myself back to myself and working out my shit before I preaching/judging others, within this I realize that only through first seeing/facing myself and recognizing the entire patterns I have created and have been participating within will I even be able to actually support another to seeing themselves through being a living example of living what is best for all, including that which I currently judge and want to revenge, only once I can live as equal to all that I perceive as evil, and thus allow myself to see the evil within me, can I support another to see the evil within themselves, I commit myself to walk my own process, until I have proven to myself self stability

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see memories of others being spiteful towards me start coming up as a self justification paving the way for the spitefulness to follow, within this I commit myself to stop the memories and not allow myself to go into them, and believe them, I have realize that the memory is tainted with the experience I allowed myself to have in that moment and within that have placed the blame on another instead of taking self responsibility in the very moment the event occurred, and thus the memory is not valid because it has been stored within a starting point of self dishonesty, thus I commit myself to stop the memory and forgive myself for holding onto it, until I am clear and am walking within/as breath and not being interrupted by memories of the past, coming to hunt me and create conflict/friction within/as myself and my relationships

I commit myself to investigate the point of limitation within allowing myself to believe that another being can limit me in any way, not realizing that any experience of limitation is self created and thus only I am responsible for it, within this I commit myself to when I see myself becoming spiteful towards another for perceiving them to be limiting me I stop myself and breath, I bring myself back here and look at reality for what it is and show myself until I actually get it and integrate it as myself that no one is actually limiting me but me, and within believing another is limiting me I am actually showing myself points/character of inferiority that I have allowed myself to exist as, and thus I commit myself to investigate the points within self honesty as only through seeing the specifics of each point will I be able to free myself from the limitations I have created myself as, as the mind, and within showing myself the self created limitation I can take direction of/as myself and stop being directed by/as the mind as limitation/inferiority

I commit myself to stopping myself as the character of blame because I realize it is a self manipulation tactic to keep me from taking self responsibility for/as myself in every moment within realizing that only I am responsible for myself, and in a grater scale responsible for everything in existence as myself, and thus I commit myself to stop blame within/as breath because as long as I blame I am not allowing myself to see the real true evil nature of myself as I turn the focus on others to carry the blame instead of looking at it practically within common sense and seeing what is my responsibility of/in regards to the situation

I commit myself to walk the point of spitefulness until I am clear and do not participate within it any more, I realize this will take time, as it took many years for me to design myself as the character and thus I realize the many layers/dimensions this character holds within/as it, within/as myself, and thus I commit myself to walk humbly, patiently, slowly, forgiving myself for point by point by point, while allowing myself to go into all the layers/characters/acceptances of weakness/inferiority/worthlessness/fear that I have allowed myself to exist as and thus to direct me - no more, I commit myself to through walking this process within utilizing the tools provided of writing, self forgiveness and commitment statements, to walk myself free of the limitations/beliefs I have created as myself, to stop myself as the religion of self I have allowed myself to exist as, to stand up as life, to breathe, to acknowledge my physical body and existence as a whole, and to walk until it is done, until I am no more reacting from an automated response program, until I am no longer participating in anything that is not supporting all as life as equals, until I am here in every breath, within self trust, walking what is best for all and living as a living example of life

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Day 33 - Fear of being kicked by a horse

here I am walking through the different dimensions of the point of fear of being kicked by a horse through

Though as a picture

An image of a horse standing on his front two feet with his back legs up high

Where did this fear come from?

As a child we went horseback riding, and it was always something they said, like a warning, to not stand/pass behind a horse because it can kick you, and it's very dangerous. It's like the one thing my mom knows/sais about horses: "don't stand behind it so it can't kick you"

Back chat

What is he doing? Should I walk here? Will he kick me? Is he relaxed/irritated?

I know that standing behind a horse is dangerous  

How can I get to the other side without passing behind him?

Shit, what is he thinking? Does he understand me? Is he going to test me?

Am I going to be able to do this?

I'm not sure I'm up for working with horses…

Can I stop being afraid?

Ho shit, they detect fear, he'll walk all over me, I'm not sure I can do this

Imagination (play out, movie scenario)

I see a scenarios in my mind of me passing behind the horse and he kicks me in the head, and I dye, or he kicks me in my chest and breaks my rib cage, or kicks me and I fall down and he steps on me and I'm injured and in pain. All scenarios in regards to me doing something that I shouldn't have, or that could have been prevented, and the horse ends up kicking/hurting me in some way/shape/form

Reaction, emotions/feelings, energetic reaction

Self-doubt, fear, fear of pain, fear of death, hesitation, weakness, I feel like I'm not solid, like less than myself physically, like some of me is missing physically,

Physical changes

I approach the horse with hesitation, like I'm coming towards him and away from him at the same time – my hand is coming towards the horse and my body/back is moving back words

Within the tonality of my voice I ask him to move with a tonality of a question, going high in the end of the sentence, something like: "would you maybe mind moving?" also it is said in a soft and shaking voice

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of being kicked by a horse when working with horses

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by a horse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a thought of fear of horses and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing one though to possess me within allowing myself to go into emotional reaction just by that one thought coming into play within that removing myself in separation from myself as the breath here, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through my participation within/as the thought of fear of being kicked by a horse to actually kick the breath away from myself within stopping myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conversations I heard as a child direct me within my participation within/as fear of being kicked by a horse, I realize that there is common sense practicality within understanding the possible events that can occur when working/moving around horses, and thus I work/move within/as awareness not allowing myself to go into the mind within/as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/follow/believe the back chat coming up in my mind in relation to fear of being kicked by a horse, within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within/as back chat and within that to justify the fear as emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to stay within/as the character of fear of horses, limiting myself to a character instead of allowing myself to expand beyond it as life within/as breath, and to explore life and to actually live, not as a programed character but as life itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself within my mind as imagination within projection a film like scenario of being kicked/hurt by a horse and thus perpetuate the fear instead of allowing myself to within self-support to stop the imaginations through realizing that they are not supporting me as life but are supporting the mind as the abusive illusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch the imagination in my mind as a short movie as entertainment within justifying and compounding the fear of being kicked by a horse, instead of stopping myself from participating as an audience to this film and allow myself to be here, practically in the physical, where I can actually take action within awareness to prevent such event to occur

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the physical changes I create within/as my body when facing the fear of being kicked by a horse, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind to such an extent that my physical body will change it's expression to equalize with the mind possession as fear, instead of allowing myself to be the directive principle where I align my mind to/as the hereness of my body within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in "mind over matter" by allowing my physical body to change as a result as my mind possession, thus indicating that my mind is the master of me and my body as the slave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my body up to the mind within expressing myself physically according to the mind's fearful possession

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the physical changed in my body due to not allowing myself to be self-intimate within/as my body, and within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the physical changes and investigate them as self-support to assist me in realizing the possession of the mind as fear of horses, to be able to bring myself back here through writing/self-forgiveness/corrective statements

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stay stable within/as breath within/as self-trust when working with horses, but instead I go into fear and allow myself to exist as/within fear within visualizing within/as my mind different scenarios that could happen that I would get hurt, I forgive myself or not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I am participating within/as thoughts as imaginations of scenarios that could happen I am at the moment not here within/as breath, not here within/as self and thus at moment of fear/thought I am actually putting myself in danger through not being here in fact to direct any situation that comes along

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself around horses and exist within a constant fear of them getting irritated and I won't notice or know what to do and I will end up getting hurt, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here with the horse but instead be in my mind as thoughts/fear and thus create a situation where I cannot be the directive principle because I am not here within awareness to direct the situation, thus I have accepted and allowed myself to give my responsibility of myself and the horse to the mind as trusting in the mind as fear instead of building myself within/as self-trust through applying myself here in every moment within/as breath to be able to actually be here to take responsibility and direct any situation that comes along within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind within a imagination of a picture of a horse kicking, a picture I created/stored in my mind as memory, and whenever I recall that picture memory I justify to myself the fear of horses, as if the picture is showing me the actual truth of danger within horses, instead of realizing that the picture is a self-created one dimensional image, and thus is not a "true" representation of the three dimensional reality we exist as, within this I realize that within practicality, the fear is useless and will only put me in unnecessary danger rather than help/assist me, within realizing this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the fear within the understanding that the only thing to fear is the fear itself, from the perspective that while I am participating within/as fear I am not here and cannot direct/take responsibility for/as the situation and thus compromise myself and the environment I am in, within this I realize that since I am the creator of the fear coming up within me, I am responsible and able to stop it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear instead of allowing myself to slowly but surely through stopping the mind as fear time and time again, to build self-trust within the practical understanding that I will slowly and surly learn more and more about the horses and how to handle/treat/read them, thus will become more and more aware of the situation and know what to do/act/behave within also knowing what can go wrong from a perspective of being prepared/informed within common sense, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that  to fear the situation within going into my mind as thought/imaginations is what is putting me in danger in fact, within this I also realize that participating within/as fear is acting as an interruption to self, through within creating within myself an impression that I am actually doing something to protect myself from the dangers while in fact all I am doing is the contrary, and actually creating the danger through participating within/as fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to/as the horses

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that working with the horses is in fact an opportunity to within working hands on within/as the physical to establish myself here within/as breath

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to, when a thought manifest in my mind of fear of being kicked by a horse - to in that moment stop and breathe within realizing I am here in breath in this body, and within my participation with following the thought, I am missing another breath/moments of being alive here

I commit myself to when a thought of being kicked by a horse manifest in my mind, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body to the physical environment I am in, I hear the noises around me, I look at what's around me, I am here, I focus on the physical and through the physical support myself to stay out of the mind as thoughts

I commit myself to investigate information I got from my parents environment within realizing that some of it is practical and some of it is simply an accepted emotional reaction to a situation learnt by the environment and accepted by self, thus I commit myself to participate within using common sense within/as the physical, and not occupy myself within/as the mind as emotional reactions as I have realized they are merely a distraction of being here as life within/as breath

I commit myself to stopping my participation within/as back chat, within realizing they are coming from and defending a character I have created as myself, and thus I realize that my participation within/as back chat is giving power to the character and thus taking power away from self as breath as life, thus I commit myself to stopping the back chat within/as breath as it comes up I breathe and simply do not participate.

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath when watching the fear inducing movie in my head, within realizing that watching the movie in my head is keeping me away from myself here as breath, and thus is actually creating a dangerous situation where I am not here and cannot be responsible for the environment around me and thus cannot trust myself to be safe around the horses, thus I commit myself to when working with/around the horses to be here within/as breath and not allow myself to wonder in the movie of my mind

I commit myself to investigating my physical changes within/as mind possessions as fear of horses, and to through the body learn to detect what is going on in my mind, to be able to stop myself as the mind and to be here within/as the physical body, within/as breath

I commit myself to when working with horses to use it as a practical practice platform for being here within/as breath, and within that I commit myself to use the fear of being kicked by a horse as self-support to breathe through it and remain here as the physical, equal to the horse and what I am doing at the moment here