Showing posts with label desteni farm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label desteni farm. Show all posts
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all
have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all
die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not
believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!
As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I
suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to
call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores
of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the
words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self
responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him.
So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer -
To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly
have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are
living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they
are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the
totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the
limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind
– I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for
this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have
been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not
allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of
myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I
would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this
before his death.
Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return,
and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point
of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on
breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point /
opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously,
so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people
have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up
and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning
back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply
myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the
perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i
stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and
lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking,
then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is
dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make
the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath
by breath until it’s done.
He told me so many time that all I must do is make a
decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks
and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot
about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others
do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder,
because each time I have developed another layer of memories and experiences proving to myself that I
cannot make the decision to change nor walk the living example of equality, and like
Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me
from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself
through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself
to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the
full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as
myself.
Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting
it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now
there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive
and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see
through his words the truth of me.
Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how
everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections
of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear,
because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions,
judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is
theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves
to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the
blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that with Bernard it, the reflection of myself,
was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or
blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only
clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right
through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him,
hiding was never an option.
There is an interesting point here because its not like he
put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself
to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see
me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself
to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was
never him – it was always and is always me.
So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I
can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his
example?
I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a
slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk
I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and
steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a
time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to
myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this
is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are
so many other little points of insight.
He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a
friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he
was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if
they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that
point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I
forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death?
Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?
I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing
up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at
a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself
down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the
self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and
free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit
myself to myself as life.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
Day 198 - 21 days of self dedication - Self Value - self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not taking advantage of the time I had on the farm
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment as a fear of others judging me for not being effective / accomplishing anything in the time I had here at the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting my family / friends when I return, in fear of being judged for how I spent / what I had done with my time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into emotional possession as an experience of fear / anxiety / worry towards meeting the people back home and facing their criticism / judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with emotions as anxiety towards my return, instead of supporting myself in writing as to open up and see the point of self judgment being projected as the source of my emotional breakdown, and within this to apply self forgiveness in taking self responsibility to change in the points that require correction, and let go the points that are merely a mind created and false judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be effective in the time I had here at the farm, within not actually pushing myself in every moment to see / find / do something that will benefit me within self support
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of taking the time I had here at the farm, and making sure I use it as effective as I can, within realizing that time is only running in one direction, and that is out - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that time is not on my side from the perspective that every moment lost will never come back, and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act from within this understanding that there isn't much time though there is much work to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for wasting my time and the time of others here at the farm for taking the time in their day to give me all the support that I needed but I had take it for granted, expecting something to happen / change because they were supporting me, not accepting the fact that with all the support that I get, I must support myself and commit myself to myself and dedicate myself to myself in order for anything to happen / change in my world and experience / relationship of / with myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, even here in this supportive environment, to be self honest, to communicate in self honesty, and instead I have put on an act, trying to always keep my cool, trying to always seem ok, and only when the energy build up was too much for me to handle would I uncontrollably explode with emotion - thus, not using this supportive platform effectively, in learning how to communicate to others in asking for support, and in learning how to support myself when I see so clearly that something is building up within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my time at the farm according to an idea of how it should have been to have been effective and supportive and within that I am not allowing myself to walk my own process here within seeing in self honesty what it had in fact been, not in relation to an idea but in simply in reality, and within seeing what actually was to learn form it, as appose to judge myself for it based to comparing myself to an idea
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see all the insights and realizations I have picked up at the time I spent in the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not seeing / realizing, instead of simply leaving it as is, and within this allowing the realizations to come up from within me, and not from judgment / fear / expectation of the mind
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Saturday, May 4, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
I've been walking this process with desteni for a while now, and I recently noticed that I've been dong it all wrong… lol…
What I mean is that I have been taking on the information and seeing the truth in it as a philosophy, and I even appreciate the practical application and see the validity and common sense within it - but I have not actually taken the actual real step of applying it for and as myself and testing for and as myself to see if it is actually a valid practical solution, as suggested to write and self forgive and so on.
So, in this process you get to see that all that you though was good in the world is not really, and that all that I believed about myself is not in fact who I am - and without the application of self forgiveness what I have done is taken all this information on as another way to judge and abuse myself - like now I have validation that I am as bad a fuck up as I believe myself to be - all the other groups / religions / methodologies / spiritualities that I have been involved with always had a nice twist to it all, and so you could always end up thinking of yourself that you are ok and that everything will be ok - here with desteni you get the harsh truth, and the point is to understand the mechanics of it, to realize that even this fuck up that we have become does not define us, and to through actual practical application of self forgiveness and self investigation in self honesty into finding practical and livable solutions to change oneself into becoming a being of integrity - so, I got the point, I saw the harsh truth, and I used it against myself, instead of APPLYING SELF FORGIVENESS.
Without self forgiveness as a basic tool in this process of self change, as letting go of the "who I am" that you believe yourself to be, and instead recreating yourself, rebirthing yourself as life, into an actual living being, that is not automated by destructive and abusive robotic patterns, but that actually lives for and as life, all life, equally.
How have I abused myself with this process? (Let this be a warning for all of you that may do this to yourself - don't!!!)
As I said, I saw all the "bad" things in the world, nothing that I thought was good was real anymore - I saw love as self interest, I saw friendships as deceptive, I saw myself as acting and never actually living as myself, and my thoughts -I saw how evil they really were, so much manipulation and fear and spitefulness, and judgment - wow, so much judgment…
Anyway, without the act of forgiving myself for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, without making a statement towards myself that I see who I have been and become and I direct myself to change myself into a being of self worth - without forgiveness there is no forgiveness, and then all there is, is seeing all this crap and bathing in it, judging myself for it, and going down a distractive spiral of self judgment - and doing so in the justification that I am walking process, preaching to anyone who will listen that I am walking a process of self change and sharing how this process is the best - when in fact all I have done with it is use it against me - it's interesting too, cause I have been getting feedback from my friends, from the very beginning of my walking, that I am being to hard on myself within this process, and I told myself that they just don't get it and just justified myself as being right, and everything I am doing is the right thing to do, I was on this high of "I found the path, you are all losers" - lol, but actually I was the loser, because I had found a path, I was convinced it was a worthy path to walk, yet instead of walking it for and as myself, I stood by it, watching other people going past it and judging them, or walking on it and comparing myself to them in inferiority asking myself "how are they moving so fast, and why am I not moving? What is wrong with me?" when I hadn't yet taken the step of making a clear decision of walking down this path, trusting myself within it - in this path, SELF FORGIVENESS is a necessary part of the path / process - I wanted to believe that it doesn't have to be, but 4 years later I am standing in the same, and other's that have been applying self forgiveness share their experience, and something is happening in their lives - they are changing. Can I say that about myself? I'm not so sure.
So if I were a scientist, my research shows, that walking next to process but not actually walking it for / as myself within actually applying the tools - has been found to be not effective - where as other people testify that walking the process for real, within an honest intention of self investigation and self change in self forgiveness - has been found to being very effective. So, as a scientist, I should now conduct a true experiment, to check for myself if this is true - if consistent application of self forgiveness within an honest intention of self investigation and self change, is actually effective.
I guess this is what my 21 days of self dedication is about - I am fed up with walking but not really walking this process - I have been on the farm for 8 months and it's fucking frustrating seeing myself not moving, not changing, not applying - the only thing is that everything is amplified here, so I see myself with more clarity - and it is not a lovely sight, as before, but with more clarity… and still, no self forgiveness means no self forgiveness - and what I require most is to forgive myself so I can start living with myself in peace, so I can start recreating myself and rebirthing myself as a life worth living.
This is way I state that I have misused the process, because I have taken something that could have been of great benefit for me, and instead of applying it, I have stood behind it and used it to justify my own continued self abuse / sabotage / judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misuse the desteni process as a platform of self abuse disguised as self support, not realizing that I am only sabotaging myself by doing so, and that I am creating a relationship with the process as not being effective, but in fact I have never given it a valid chance, so to speak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take al the "bad" realizations from what I've seen through the knowledge within the desteni process, and instead of walking it through a process of self forgiveness within realizing that only through forgiveness can I take responsibility for the point, as to let it go and change myself in relationship to it - I have seen the point and deliberately used it against me in self judgment / sabotage
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self realizations against me, as armor of self judgment / abuse, within justifying myself through holding onto the past that I am fucked and will not change so no point of trying - instead of taking a breath, realizing that even these thoughts are not coming from myself but are a result of my constant participation within / as the mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of self forgiveness effectively within fear / resistance towards change, as change would be a physical indication that I was in fact living a lie, and there is a point of ego as myself, as a point of "I want to be right" that is resisting change, as it would prove I was always ever wrong
I commit myself to walking this process slowly and gently, but within applying discipline as to actually walk in consistency, until I can say in self honesty that I have given it a shot, and actually see for myself the benefits or lack thereof - within this, when / if I see benefits form this application, I commit myself to support myself with this application and consistently supporting myself with it - I commit myself to become a being that supports oneself in self care and not continue allowing myself to sabotage/ abuse myself repeatedly
Ok - more tomorrow
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Thursday, January 31, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to past experience as preparing farm chicken not to my satisfaction as a point of self belief that I am incapable of preparing farm chicken properly, instead of allowing myself to ask those around me and learn through a process of trial and error how to make farm chicken.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up an energetic experience of fear towards preparing farm chicken based on the past experience of myself as not being capable to do it properly, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself based on past experiences stored within me as memories, and thus allowing myself to be directed by the past as I create more and more self beliefs of inadequacy, instead of taking it into a point of practical self support as seeing what I have done and how it turned out, and exploring new ways of doing it, within realizing that it can be done, and if it can be done I can learn how to do it, I, thus, forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of giving up within believing that I will not be able to pull it off and thus, within this experience allow myself to stress within projecting myself into the future as if I've already failed, thus allowing myself to move through out my day within a heavy energetic experience as I believe I've seen the future of my failure and I have nothing to do about it but walk right in to it - I realize that future projections as seeing myself fail are not supportive or constructive in any way, as they direct me towards walking my day in energy within the self belief of being a failure, instead of allowing myself to explore like an innocent and fearless child, going into it with a sense of playfulness, as finding out what will happen if I do this or that, how will it turn out - not allowing myself to be directed by the fear of being judged as I realize how limiting this fear makes me within my participation with it
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore new ways / recipes / techniques based on fear of not making it to the liking of others, not taking into consideration that if I don't allow myself to explore new ways / recipes I will never expand within the task of cooking, and thus am limiting myself as self expression as trying new things, playing with new way, and exploring new recipes - I realize that when my starting point is based on the result, whether others will approve or not, I am limiting myself and preventing myself from enjoying myself within and as the process of making / doing it, thus, when and as I see myself going into the energetic experience of fear / worry of what others will think of the final product as I am preparing it, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body and to the physical task at hand, as the practical steps that need to be taken, I don't allow myself to entertain myself in thoughts / back chat / fear of what others will think or say, instead I focus on enjoying myself here, in breath, as I'm cooking, I allow myself to investigate the internet, cook books, recipes, and ask other people in order to expand myself and explore new way of doing it, from a playful starting point rather then a fearful one.
When and as I see myself going into an experience of stress due to fear of what others will think of my meal, I stop myself and breathe, I commit myself to immediately change myself as my starting point into playfulness and allow myself to enjoy myself within the physical actions I am involved with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to people around me who state they do not like / enjoy eating farm chicken and thus, when I have decided to prepare farm chicken I allowed myself to stress over it within the fear that they will not enjoy it yet again, within the desire to please everyone with my meal, instead of allowing myself to go into it as a clear slate, not concerned about what others will think or how they will judge what I make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic when I was cooking the chicken and they reacted differently than what I expected them to, as they became harder instead of softer while I was cooking them, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into my mind as back chat as blaming myself for even trying to make farm chicken, as using this point as proof and validation for not knowing nor being capable of making farm chicken, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for help and assistance within an experience of panic, instead of allowing myself to remain stable within myself within / as the situation, and ask for help and assistance to receive practical support as to what I should do with the chicken within a starting point of common sense practicality and not a starting point of energy as panic, I realize that the energetic reaction I have allowed myself to exist within was not supportive nor effective as it blurred my vision and restricted my ability to direct the situation -as I allowed myself to panic instead of simply walking with breath and dealing with whatever comes my way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a panic as a coping mechanism, as I have created a belief / connection that if I panic I will get people to help me because they will see me as fragile, vulnerable and helpless, and thus I have allowed myself to use panic as a form of manipulation to get what I want, instead of allowing myself to simply ask for help directly and clearly, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust the support of those around me as I believe I must manipulate them into assisting me, instead of being clear and direct and not manipulative and allow them to assist me as they are practically able to rather hen from a point of emotional manipulation, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in deliberate manipulation, in order to get others to assist me instead of walking as self honor and self respect and as such honor and respect others as myself, and not allow myself to try and manipulate them, but rather accept their assistance if granted and respect it either way if they are not able to assist me in that moment - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to assist and support myself within handling the situation - within this I realize that it is the accepted and allowed fear of failure that I have allowed to limited me by not allowing myself to trust myself enough to walk practically the necessary actions in order to "save the day" on my own if necessary - I realize that within self trust there is no place for panic nor fear, as I realize that I will do what can be done and will accept the result no matter what it is, within knowing that whatever it is I can learn from it and correct myself next time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about if there was going to be enough chicken for everybody, while at the same time was worried that I don't make too much food and have it go to waste, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of too much / too little food, instead of allowing myself to breathe and calculate practically how much chicken will be eaten, within taking into consideration that one cannot estimate exactly how much people will eat, and thus within realizing that predicting the future being impossible there is no point of stressing over it, but rather simply making a common sense decision according to the number of people that are joining the meal, within accepting that there might be too little or too much - again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the point of fear of not pleasing everybody to direct me and my experience - I realize that as long as my starting point is to please others I am existing within separation: as I separate myself from "them" as I try to please "them" in fear of "their" judgment, not realizing they are reflecting me back to myself, as it is never about "them" but always about self's relationship to self as a disguised self projection , and as separated from myself, as I'm not considering myself in the very moment as breath, as I'm allowing myself to exist in energy within my mind, as a form of as abusive relationship with myself as I allow myself to go into and participate with energetic experiences as fear, worry and stress that I have not created directly as myself but have been allowing myself to be directed by, instead of supporting myself to stand stable in breath, and walk practically, simply and effectively, as self directive principle of and as myself, and for myself and others as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within realizing there isn't enough chicken to then, instead of making a directive decision to add more chicken, I didn't allow myself to trust myself and asked for someone else to make the decision for me, thus abdicating the responsibility and avoiding the possibility of blaming myself for making a mistake as I can now blame another as they made the decision - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid making decisions in fear of making mistakes, yet I allow myself to manipulate others into making my decisions so that the blame will not fall on me, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as self trust, within making a directive decision through utilizing common sense and the assistance of others if necessary, and standing by my decision within accepting any outcome / outflow / consequence, I realize that by making decisions one places oneself in a vulnerable position if one exist in fear of making mistakes and fear of criticism / judgment made by others, but at the same time, within making directive decisions, one places oneself in a position of self empowerment, as one knows they are the directive principle, and only through being the directive principle can one calculate and estimate the situation and take full responsibility in correcting whatever needs be corrected for next time, whereas if one is not the directive principle and instead allows others to make the decision, one will never learn to trust oneself, and will never see the point of self responsibility because one was just floating around through other's decisions - I realize making a decision and taking full responsibility is vital as part of a process of self empowerment, self trust, self respect, and within this, reclaiming self's value - I thus, commit myself to build myself up one breath at a time, and push myself to take decisions, as a practical point of self support, as to face myself within making decision, to face myself within receiving criticism, to face myself within making mistakes, and to practice breathing as self support to stand through it all, to assist myself to learn from my mistakes and take them as gifts, as they allow me to explore myself from a new angle
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