Day 211 - Fear of people - Part 2

I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to go into fear when thinking about and planning meeting new people

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine in my mind the scenario of meeting and talking to new people and then to go into fear when I compare my idea of how reality will be to the imagined scenario

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought that in my mind I always have the right and effective response and comeback but in reality I stutter and loose my words and freeze

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the scenario in my mind, not realizing that I am by doing so, creating a polarity between how I am in my mind and how I am in reality, as in reality things are not as smooth as in the mind, and so, instead of supporting myself through this imagination I am actually sabotaging myself in comparing myself in reality to myself in the mind, and knowing that I can never live up to this comparison

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that feeling comfortable with people and talking to new people with ease will come with practice in the physical reality and not through participating in mind imaginations as what that causes is for me to try and recreate in reality that which I have practiced in my mind, and thus not allowing myself to be here and present within the interaction and conversation, and so again, the imagination is in fact sabotaging me and not supporting me in becoming a better communicator

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I wait and postpone interacting with people the harder it gets from the perspective of the mind will believe it is harder, and in fact, the sooner I do it the sooner I will be comfortable with doing it, and so once again showing me that all the mind wants is not to support me in becoming effective and fulfilled but rather to limit me and maintain the fear as the self belief of who I am.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I know myself to be as fear of people, instead of allowing myself, within realizing that this fear and avoidance is just making my life harder and myself less effective human being, to walk through this fear, and face it head on, and not shy away from it until I have overcome it, until I am not afraid of the fear itself any more and can move and direct myself in any way or direction that is what is most beneficial in each moment

 

I realize that the fear of people is maintained through my participation with it, and so, when and as I see myself participating in fear of people, I stop myself and breathe, and I push myself to act despite my fear, and to push myself to face my fear and not run away from it, until I have done it so many times that I have proven to myself through my physical application that this fear is not relevant nor supporting me in any way

realize that there have been so many situations in my life where I wanted to do something, as tonight I wanted to go dancing, but then the fear of people comes up and prevents me from going out and exploring and expressing myself, and actually limits me and refines me into a small box as my reality, within this, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself preventing myself from going out and enjoying myself and expressing myself because of the back chat of fear of people, I stop myself and breathe!!  - And I push myself to deliberately do that which I fear, (within obviously considering the practicality of the point and not in any way put myself in actual danger just to prove myself a point) - and so, I commit myself to when avoiding a situation due to thoughts as back chat of fear of people, I stand up within myself and get up and move to that point which I fear - within this, I commit myself to then investigate the situation, the fear and the physical outcome - within this, I realize that by standing up and walking through my fear it is not promised that the outcome will be what I want, in other words, I realize that I will experience that which I fear most as for instance rejection, and so, I realize that the outcome of me going out and not preventing myself from expressing myself due to fear of people, is not the point as the outcome can go either way, and so, I commit myself to not judge myself and the situation according to the outcome, and so not open that back door as to tell myself that "I've tried and it just doesn't work" but instead to realize that it's not about succeeding in anything it's about allowing myself to live fully and not limit myself due to a fear of people that has been directing me throughout my life.

Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1

 

I am working with the blame character within and as myself where I am looking at one dimension of blame where within my environment an event occurs where I am corrected / feel inferior / ….and through my experience of this I would react in anger, feel animosity towards the other person blaming them for how I experience myself.

So, within this character I see there are three steps to the creation of the blame character:

1. I take a response from someone in my environment personally
2. Within taking it personally I react to the other person negatively where I create an emotional body that reacts to the response from the other person
3. I then become the blame character – blaming the other person for my experience

I will start from the end to unfold the pattern:

Why do I blame?

I blame as a way of abdicating self responsibility, stating to myself that others are responsible for how I experience myself. It is a form of self diminishment within believing myself to be a victim to others and dependent on others within believing they have control over me as my experience of myself

Why do I experience a negative energetic experience?

Based on memories/ideas/interpretations that I have created and accepted in the past, as I have connected the dots between my experiences creating a belief system of how things should be, how people should be, how I should be. Within this I have learned to use positive/negative energetic experiences to get what I want within self interest, to justify myself and to protect my personality/beliefs. So going into negative energetic experience is a point of not having the situation aligned with my expectations of it within self interest, simply not how I want it do be within the ideas I have created, and through feeling bad about it I justify to myself that I am right within the idea.

Why do I take things personally?

I feel attacked, the idea I have of myself is attacked, things are being said that are not aligned with my belief system, with the personality I want to have presented, there is a clash and I go into defense mode as a form of survival, like becoming alert and having to defend myself, my persona.

I have noticed that I have the perception of being attacked through the tonality in another's voice where I perceive them to be criticizing me, impatient with me and an authority over me. If I perceive myself to be attacked often and repeatedly I experience a form of desensitizing, like a form of coping mechanism where I zone out and ignore/suppress the reactions within me, another point within perceiving myself to being repeatedly attract I lose my perception of what is important, like there is no big and small scale, it all becomes with the same intensity.

Within the perceiving myself as being attacked I allow myself to feel enslaved where I lose all self trust, and accept myself as enslaved to the situation and my experience within it, like I am trapped within it.

Through out this point I recognize that I have a desire to be seen in a specific "light", while within the point of experiencing myself as I'm being attacked I feel like I am not seen as I desire to be seen and there is a fear within that as to how others will see me as

So, in a way my definition of self is challenged, I recognize the misalignment with my self definition and what is being said to me that I have reacted to, and I evaluate it to being negative according to my belief system based on past experiences/memories/interpretation, then I react within a negative energetic experience, and instead of realizing that I am doing all of this to myself through accepting blindly my belief system and my definition of myself, I go into blame within believing the whole experience to be real and my beliefs to be valid, and thus I blame the other for creating this situation as what I am experiencing within/as myself, through their expression.

Within the blogs to come I will open up this point further

Day 50 – Playing the game of Superiority/Inferiority

 

This blog is a follow up from yesterday's blog: Day 49 – Stable or Superior?

I will address this point from both side of the polarity as I have realized that "it takes two to tango" but in fact I have been dancing with myself in my mind as participating/creating myself as both characters within this dance, so to speak.

I have realized that any reactions exist in me and comes solely from my mind, thus – the other is never actually doing anything to me in fact, but only mirroring myself back to self, as it is all a projection of what I am allowing to take place in my mind. Within this I realize that when I react to another, whether by being the superior/authority/in control character or being the inferior/submissive/suppressed character, either way any reaction within me towards another is a point I must investigate within my SELF as it doesn't really have to do with the other personally, because it is all created within/as self

So, here I am starting the process of taking responsibility for both sides of the coin as I realized it doesn't matter in which side I participate, I have created both in my mind, and am participating as both internally and externally.

Self forgiveness as the superior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create stability as an idea in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself as stable to cover up within suppression that I am actually reacting within myself through participating within superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crave stability to such an extent that I will lie to myself as being stable, within hope that "if I fake it I'll make it", not realizing that by doing so I am ignoring and suppressing the point within me that still fear being inferior and unstable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself as stable while I am participating within superiority, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my stable stance and thus project onto the other that they are reacting when in fact I am reacting within acting/walking within fear of losing myself as stable, not realizing that stability within fear is stability of the mind and as such is a mind manipulation keeping me from seeing the actual point of fear, as fear of survival of the personality I have created myself as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse stability with power/control, and within that to direct onto others an expression of power/control within believing that I am expressing and experiencing stability, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea I have of stability to hide from myself the desire/addiction I have created within myself towards power/control and within that to allow myself to continue existing within such constructs instead of allowing myself to let go the idea of stability and to allow myself to simply be within and as breath, and communicate from a starting point of breath and self support and not of fear of losing myself as stability or the desire to be right as a point of self justification

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate myself within the starting point I exist as, and instead to allow myself to continue as I am even though my environment is indicating to me that I am communicating within/as power/control, thus I commit myself to when the environment is showing me myself back to myself, I stop myself within breath and check to see if what they are saying is valid from perspective of taking it as a gift to investigate and see myself further/deeper, and not automatically reject what is being said within fear of losing the stability I have created myself as

I commit myself to when being corrected/criticized by others to not take it personally, but instead to investigate the point within practicality - are they showing me a point I am allowing myself to exist as and yet to have seen myself within it? Or are they projecting onto me their fears/patterns/beliefs and if so I will not be influenced by it? Thus I commit myself to be the directive principle within/as myself and to allow myself to look at all that is presented to me as what is here within equality, that is, I commit myself to investigate unconditionally all points WITHIN MYSELF that I react to when/as another is in reaction within themselves as I see it is a manipulation to keep me from actual self investigation within self honesty, thus I commit myself again, to investigate every point that comes my way, to allow myself to bring the point here as myself within/as breath and to actually place it within/as myself and have a look at what is going on inside of me in regards to any energetic movement, I commit myself to do this until I am certain that I am clear within/as every point, and if/when I see myself react/participate in any point as pattern of the mind, I stop myself within/as breath, and push myself to let go that pattern within investigating it's cause/origin/play out... until I am clear of all patterns and can trust myself as life, as living here in the moment, as the moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to communicate in a harsh/tough way to others within believing myself to be stable and proving to myself my stability through the way I communicate as harsh/tough/direct, while not allowing myself to see that my communication is not supporting the other as equal, and thus within not communicating within consideration of supporting the other, I am actually proving to myself that I am not in fact stable but am participating with superiority

I commit myself to use communication as an indication to check myself within, if my communication is creating and energetic experience, positive or negative within myself or the other, I stop myself within/as breath and check my starting point within self honesty, am I being direct or am I being controlling? Am I being stable or am I being superior?

I commit myself to build myself as self honesty, to develop myself as self honesty as I realize self honesty is the only tool I can trust, it first needs to be build as self trust… thus I commit myself to myself within building/birthing myself as self honesty, so I can see/face myself and actually change as what is best for all

I commit myself to push myself within my communication, and to make it a point to myself to communicate within awareness and support, within this I commit myself to teach myself the art of effective communication through trial and error, thus I commit myself to investigate myself within communication within actually applying myself in the physical to find out who I am within communication, and to build myself up as a being that uses communication as support for all as one as equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself within superiority within communication with another instead of allowing myself to take the opportunity to support the other as equals, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the feeling of being "more than", and within that create and hold on to that feeling through speaking in a superior/harsh way to the other instead of practicing humbleness within stability and thus supporting both me and the other within our process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others within participating as superior while manipulating myself and the other to believe that I am stable and thus an authority, and within being an authority, point my finger at the other, as if only the other has to clear themselves from the reaction of inferiority, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "pray on the weak" as in finding the one in the group that will "fall for my act" and apply it on them, within creating a situation where I can deliberately act out my superiority as stability, and not get caught as I have found the weakest link and they are bound to believe me because they see themselves as inferior already, and thus I support their mind fuck as they support mine instead of supporting each other to step out of this mind game once and for all and actually stand as equals to/as life

Self forgiveness as the inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to people when I perceive them going into authority/bossiness and thus not allow myself to be self directive but to be dependent on my perception of other people's expression instead of being stable within/as myself in every moment, independently of what is going on around me, simply being here, within/as breath, stable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when the being at hand is not perceived as an authority, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually make a decision within myself as to whom can talk to me in a certain way while others can't, with some I will react within anger and with others not, within this I have not allowed myself to investigate what exactly it is that I am allowing myself to react to, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge others for their expression instead of finding out within myself what exactly is the trigger point of my reaction, based on how I have judged the person to be more/less than me, as a base of my acceptance of how they talk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive some people as authoritative and thus when communicating with such people to react within inferiority, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect authority with superiority and haven't considered that authority can simply be related to being well educated/experienced/informed about a specific topic and does not actually define one as superior, as I realize superiority is only existent within one's mind as a construct and not in fact existent within the physical reality, instead of realizing that I have created this construct of inferiority/superiority in my mind while in reality I am simply in communication with another being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some people as authoritative while other not, depending on some specific characteristics that I have connected with authority, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within/as inferior when communicating with people I have defined as authoritative instead of realizing that I have created the point of inferiority within my mind, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent/blame the other for "creating this experience within myself" while not allowing myself to take responsibility within realizing that only I can create any experience within me and thus no one is to blame and only I am responsible for allowing myself to participate within/as inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the game of inferiority/superiority in my mind and to then project it on to my environment depending on who has the specific characteristics that are aligned with the definition I have created the character as, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide this from myself and instead to exist within blame towards the other as the creator of the situation, within doing so enhancing/participating with the construct/game of superiority/inferiority as believing they are more creators/responsible for the situation than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react differently depending on who I am communicating with, where I define some people as deserving to express themselves as authority/superior and others not, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when people that I have defined as not deserving to be an authority express themselves in ways that I perceive as superior while not react when those that I perceive as deserving, because I accept them as such, to express themselves as superior instead of allowing myself to be here within breath and consider all as equal beings communicating, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/judge others as deserving to be an authority or not based on my ideas/beliefs I have accepted, and I didn't take into consideration that within this I am declaring myself the authority as deciding who can express in which way, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to perceive myself to be an authority to other's as a point of superiority within myself, while blaming/judging them for being superior, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself from my own participation within superiority as judging other's expressions as the authority that calls the shots through blaming/judging them for participating in superiority - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize within the situation that self is always pointing back to self, and thus all projections I have onto others I must first allow myself to investigate within/as myself within self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as they express themselves within stability because I am jealousy of their stability within a belief that I am not capable of such stability. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to brake down their stability as the only option I know to stop the competition within myself as I am sure to lose due to self belief of being instable, and thus I brake the other's stability within believing them to be acting within superiority so that I can reassure myself that I am not the only one still reacting within my mind, thus instead of supporting myself and walking my process within the self direction to actually see myself in fact, I have made it about the other person, within competition/comparison, within defining myself according to what the other is experiencing within themselves, not realizing that it is a self manipulation to distract myself form myself

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath each time I see myself going in my mind as evaluating if the one infornt of me is reacting or stable, within that not focusing on myself but on them, and allowing myself to be in my mind as backchat as judgment -

I commit myself to stop myself within as the backchat as judgment through writing them out one by one until I have seen the entire construct of my thoughts, and thus be able to stop them within/as breath, until slowly but surly I will not be directed/influenced by my thoughts as back chat and can be here within/as breath and actually experience/express myself as life

Day 37 - Accepting abuse and then blowing up

I have a tendency to allow myself to take shit from people, I allow them to talk down at me and I accept it within a statement that "it's ok, I can take it" justifying it to myself from a perspective that if I react it means that they've hit a point of inferiority within me, and if I don't react it means that everything is cool with me, and they are walking their process and it's their problem/point/issue...

But within that, I haven't allowed myself to see that I am actually reacting within myself but because I didn't allow myself to be self honesty with myself I have not allowed myself to see the point as the reaction that I was experiencing, within not allowing myself to see the reaction I was experiencing due to being spoken down to I could not express it or deal with it in any way, and thus I have suppressed the reaction within myself while allowing it to quietly accumulate,  the outcome of this process is that I end up accumulating resistance towards the person and their expression until I've accumulated all that I can handle and I explode.

Through this, I will justify my acceptance within a belief/idea that I should be able to take any kind of shit from anybody without reacting. while my misunderstanding was that "not reacting" means not having an energetic movement within myself and thus being able to direct the situation within self support and support of the other, and it doesn't mean to simply not react externally while accumulating suppressed reactions inside... Which is what I now see that I've been doing...

What I see within this is that I am most definitely reacting to being put down by the other, but I am suppressing it and not expressing myself because I have judged myself within believing that I should be able to not react. And, another reason I "prefer" to suppress myself and not speak up is within a point of avoiding conflict, a point of fear of conflict, a fear of standing up within not accepting/allowing abuse so I'd rather soak it up, and just take it.

Within this pattern what ends up happening is that I accumulate the suppressed reaction within me and starting to build up spitefulness and blame towards the person, while feeling self righteous for not reacting when in fact I have been reacting internally all along but haven't allowed myself to express it, and I do this until a braking point where I can’t take it anymore and then I snap.

Snapping comes in many forms… I can snap externally, towards the person that I blame for talking down at me, or I can snap towards another person, from perspective of accumulating the feeling of inferiority and then to compensate and regain my lost power, I will express myself as superior towards an innocent third party in order to make them feel inferior so that  can "balance myself", or I can snap within myself within thinking spiteful/revenge  thoughts towards the person, or acting/behaving passive aggressive, not saying what is wrong directly, but implying something is wrong indirectly, manipulating the situation to revenge the pain caused upon me through causing pain to the other wherever/however I can.

I see within this point that I haven't taken self responsibility for my participation within the situation, I have allowed myself to be directed by my energetic reactions and further more I have allowed myself to suppress my reaction within self judgment due to believing I shouldn't be reacting and due to fear of conflict with the other being.

I have not allowed myself to be self honest with myself. Self honesty is firstly the ability to see/face myself for who I am and not to change/suppress myself based on an idea that I should be this or that… thus the first step is to clear myself form the judgment I have towards my reaction within the idea of what/how I should be. Within self honesty I must allow myself to see me for who I actually am, within/as how/when I react.

Then, after the reaction has passed through supporting myself within/as breath, I forgive myself as the reaction, I look at why I reacted, what definitions/ideas/self beliefs are being provoked, I investigate the point until I am satisfied that I've got it, until I know that I will not fall in it's trap again because I will recognize it and direct myself within/as it.

Self forgiveness on this point to come…

Day 36 - My relationship with food - Part 1

I have realized that through looking at my relationships to everything/everyone in my existence I will be able to regain insight to who I am within it all. it's rather funny/absurd when thinking about it, that I need to find techniques to regain insight regarding myself as I AM myself…  but apparently I have worked hard all my life to hide myself from myself and I have reached a point that it isn't clear to me who I am and what I have become. I say this from a perspective of, for instance, I don't know why I do certain things, in particular things that I know are not supporting me in any way and are in fact hurting/abusing me and/or my environment, but still I do them. Furthermore, I do them within self-justifications/deceptions/manipulation so I don't see clearly what exactly it is that I am doing.

I've been living my whole life abusing myself but hiding it from myself within justifications, and now I've decided that it's time to face myself within the creation of/as myself, it's time to take responsibility for this shit, and face who I have allowed myself to become, to be able to stop the abuse through/as a self-directive decision, to allow myself to see me for who I am, no judgment, just a commitment to change myself so that I can be trusted, so that I can trust myself, so that I trust myself that I will not abuse myself or anyone else and then try and hide it with justifications/manipulations.

So I do this now through investigating my relationships, within realizing that I am equal to my relationships, I am equal to what I allow within/as my relationships, thus by looking at / investigating my relationships I will get insight into myself.

I start with my relationship towards food:

I need food to survive, I enjoy eating, eating/meals is a social event, when food is served I take a lot, I eat until I am really full, eat to the point where it makes me feel heavy, not a good feeling, but I don't stop earlier, if I stop eating before I'm really full I feel deprived, when I see other people eating I want to eat too even if I wasn't hungry or thinking of food, after eating a lot I judge myself for it, feel bad for eating "too much" because I don't want to get fat and I see that as the direct consequences  of me eating too much, I like eating "healthy" foods it makes me feel good about myself, I don't like throwing food away "it's a waste" so I'll prefer eating it or save it for later, I eat when I am bored, when I am looking or something to do within an experience of emptiness and I turn to food to fill me

There is a basic fear of not having enough food, a worry of getting hungry later and not having any food to eat, thus I will take more than what I should eat out of fear of not having enough, and within that I actually create a shortage to those in my environment because I took too much, but as I'm feeding myself I don't consider any one but my self-interest as the fear of survival, in the moment of truth it's more important to me that I am fed properly than that others are fed, then after I have placed the food in my plate, while we are eating I will feel guilty/bad for taking too much, especially if I see someone didn't get enough, and then I will eat everything off my plate to justify the large portion of food I took, making sure that no one else will think that I took more than I can handle and judge/blame me for taking too much and causing a shortage for others, so I force myself to eat it all, as justification for taking too much, instead of allowing myself to see how much I actually needed to eat and learn from my "mistake" to next time take less. But I am so busy in justifying taking too much that I'll force myself to eat it all, even if it's physically painful, just to be able to reassure myself that I didn't really take too much because have a look I finished it all.

Another point that comes up when I fill up my plate is that I fear people will look at my portions and judge me for eating a lot, so even if everybody had enough still I will fear the judgment eyes of others thinking "wow, look at how much she is eating", this judgment is related to how I see myself as fat, because the full back chat would actually be: "no wonder she is fat, look at how much she is eating…"

When I really like the food, I'll take seconds, many times I'm not hungry any more but I'll take more food because I want to have more of the good stuff, I want to consume more of it, I figure f I don't eat it then someone else will because it's so good and then I'll be deprived, so I'll eat more now to compensate in a way of the possibility of not having any more left for later.

The result of my relationship with food is actual physical abuse, as I feel physically bad after the meal, I feel heavy and bloated, also it causes weight gain and thus enhanced the  construct of feeling/judging myself for being fat which is another point within my relationship to food, there is like a love/hate relationship, because I love food but it makes me fat and I hate myself as fat, within the 'fat' point I don't like the idea of being on a diet or monitoring my food intake, because I judge it as superficial/vain so in spite of myself I will "eat as much as I want I what I want" as if to cover up the vanity I exist as within judging myself for being fat and desiring myself to be skinny.

Another point is temptation, if there is something I really like, for instance chocolate/cake, I will eat it even if I'm really very full, just because I want to enjoy the taste, even if my general experience isn't of enjoinment because my entire body is suffering from eating too much, but I can't say no to the treat, and I'll eat it just to satisfy my self-interest temptation, instead of doing what's best for all my body and just saying no to the temptation because I know the end result is my suffering. Yet, I will allow enjoy the momentary fulfillment of the temptation at the expense of the well-known consequences as physically suffering and self-judging due to it

I see within this that I've been using food as self-abuse, as physical abuse through eating too much up to a point that I am physically uncomfortable instead of using food as a practical physical support as nurturing my physical body, I've used food as a tool for self-judgment where I judge myself for being fat and then support that judgment with/through overeating, where I see within it like a form of punishment, where, since I judge myself for being fat, I punish myself within overeating, I see also a point of giving up of ever being skinny so I sabotage myself within overeating, instead of not allowing myself to abuse myself in such a way, where I make eating/food, through overeating,  into a bad thing that supports my self judgment   

another point within my relationship to food construct is where I get something to eat out of boredom, like there is an emptiness within me and I will fill it up with food, or I feel like something but don't know what it is that I want and I'll satisfy this uneasiness with food, it doesn't really solve the point but it postpones it for a few bites.

I see within myself that I do not want to let go this relationship I have with food, I want to hold on to my addiction, I have excuses coming up "but I don't want to be on a diet" showing me the polarity I have created in regards to food, instead of allowing myself to eat as self support, I have been eating as a way to create energy within/as me, not the physical energy needed to support the body but the emotional energy needed to feed the mind, within the contrast/polarity and self judgment and lack of self direction with it all.

So I don't want to let go, I want to hold on to my addiction, but I realize that is the pattern of addiction, and thus I stand within/as myself and direct myself to stop the addiction to food, within firstly writing myself to freedom within applying self forgiveness, I will myself to stop myself as the addiction, to trust myself that I am supporting myself through food and not abusing myself within/as the energy I consume through it

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to physically abuse myself through overeating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take more than I require due to fear of survival within self interest of making sure that I have enough while not taking into consideration those in my environment, and within that to create through my over-consumption a lack, a shortage, and thus to manifest that which I fear as lack of food through my participation as being directed by the fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat until I am really full up to a point that I create myself physical pain/uncomfortability instead of allowing myself to stop eating before that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel deprived if I stop eating before I am really full not realizing that feeling deprived is based on an idea created within/as the mind, and thus is not real in fact, what is real is that through my allowing myself to be directed by this feeling of being deprived I am in fact abusing myself as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for overeating because of not wanting to get fat, instead of investigating the initial starting point of overeating and thus creating another layer to the pattern of overeating through participating within/as self judgment derived from the idea of how I should look within comparing myself to that ide and judging myself for not living as it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat only because others are eating instead of eating as self support when my body requires it and not based on the visual trigger of others eating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not limit myself within the amounts of food I eat and only limit myself through physical pain, thus through actually abusing myself to the point of pain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create energetic relationships with food/eating and thus not allow myself to eat as physical support but to abuse eating as a way to suppress myself and what I am experiencing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food within/as an energetic relationship instead of using it as physical nutrition for my body

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to eat as physical support as nurturing my body, but instead to eat from a starting point of the mind, within using food as a way to suppress myself through eating as preoccupying myself within/as food instead of allowing myself to see/face myself as who I have accepted/allowed myself to be and to through self forgiveness/writing  change myself into an effective trust worthy being

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the point I am hiding from myself within the point of overeating

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what is the starting point within/as overeating

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate/face who I am within overeating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat as a form of suppression, creating physical pain/discomfort to distract me from the mind discomfort I am experiencing but do not want to allow myself to see/face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to eat as a way to feel better, as if everything is OK with me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get comfort from eating, as a form of drug as a way to zone off the pain/discomfort

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see not eating as a form of punishment, like I would be punishing myself to deprive myself of the enjoinment of eating something, within that not allowing myself to make a self directed decisions to how to support myself as my physical body through eating comfortable portions at comfortable times within "listening" to my body and eating as self physical support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea that not eating is a punishment and thus I separate myself further from myself as the physical body within eating at all times when ever a trigger comes up regardless to how my physical body is feeling in regards to consuming more food at the moment

I forgive myself for judging myself now, within writing self forgiveness, for not allowing myself to see the actual point within my relationship to food, within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to breathe, to be here within/as self forgiveness and allowing myself to walk it one breath at a time as I unfold/expose myself to myself within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from myself to see the point in the moment and I haven't allowed myself to realize within this that I am walking a process and slowly but surely I will open more and more points as I allow myself within self honesty, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to bare with myself and to allow myself to breathe through/as process as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself as the physical body when I as my physical body am showing/signaling myself to stop eating

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to further investigate this point as I see that I have not yet reached the core point/cause within this construct of overeating

I commit myself to stop myself within/as self judgment when I see myself judging myself for not seeing the point directly, within that I realize that opening myself up to/as myself will take time as I build self trust, as I must trust myself to open up to myself, within that showing to myself my relationship with self as not yet establishing self trust, within this I commit myself to walk a process of establishing self trust within realizing that self trust is the basis for a supoprtive relationship within/as self towards self.

I commit myself to slow myself down within breath as I am eating, to give myself a chance to be aware of my physical body as it signals when I should stop eating, within this I commit myself to listening to my physical body and not ignore it when it is signaling me to stop eating

I commit myself to build a supportive relationship with myself as my physical body through not allowing myself to abuse myself as the physical body within/as overeating