Showing posts with label projection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label projection. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Yesterday I wrote a blog about my cooking day, which I spent most of it in my mind in worry and stress, today I will dive into the specifics to support myself in seeing the actual minute points I had participated in, to make sure I can stand in breath next time I face such points - i start with the section of the day that i was preparing wraps
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy the flour within a starting point of wanting the flour to be more special than just regular whole wheat flour, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy something without doing the research as to be sure I know what it is that I'm buying, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purchase a product within the starting point of an energetic experience as the desire / excitement of it being special, within this I realize when I approach anything within energy I am paving the way towards consequences, as I have created an energetic attachment towards the product and thus experience myself as if I have something to lose if / when it turns out to be not to my satisfaction, as a pose to purchasing a product within the clear starting point of practicality and thus not opening the door to unnecessary attachment and energy within finding out that the product is not exactly what I had wanted / expected it to be
When and as I purchase any product I make sure to investigate it as to know practically what it is that I am buying, within this I realize that any purchase done within energy, as excitement or desire to be special, is unnecessary and done as self sabotage as it prepares the way towards stress / expectation / disappointment, within this, when and as I see myself making a purchase within energy, I stop myself and breathe, I consider the practical points and make an informed decision within breath as stability and not allowing myself to be directed by energy as excitement and / or desire to be special, thus, I commit myself to consider the practicality of the product, the price, the quality, and not feed in to any desire that might come up within it - when and as I see a desire / excitement come up, I stop myself and breathe, I let go the energetic attachment towards the product and see it as it as within it's simple practicality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when making the wraps, within discovering that the flour is not what I thought it was and is not as suitable for wraps, to go into an experience of self bullying as was giving myself a hard time for making a mistake and buying the unsuitable flour, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself as a form of self punishment, instead of simply learning from it as to make sure that next time I don't buy something just because it seams more special, but rather do the research and buy something that is suitable for the meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within making wraps, to go into worst case scenario, as projecting / imagining that the wraps will be a flop because of the wrong flour that I got, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this experience of anticipating the worst case scenario instead of simply being here in breath and doing what I can do in the moment, here, with what I have, within committing myself to learn for the next time how to improve, correct and prefect myself whether or not my expectations were met or not, regardless of the outcome I can always investigate myself within the point and learn from it - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a state of expecting the worst instead of walking breath by breath in self trust and facing whatever comes along when it actually comes, I realize future projections and expecting the worst are unnecessary, as I realize that by expecting the worst I am allowing myself to exist in an energetic experience that possesses me as it compounds more and more as long as I participate with it, and then whatever the outcome may be I am depleted and exhausted due to have given myself away to the energy of the mind and thus I feel like crap, instead of remaining stable in breath and facing what comes, when it comes, in self trust, self directiveness and stability within breath.
When and as I realize I have made a mistake, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into projections of worst case scenarios, I do not allow myself to blame myself as a form of self punishment as I'm giving myself a hard time for making a mistake, instead I work with what is here and make the best for it within committing myself to learning from my mistake for the next time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress out because I have given value to the meal I was preparing as I was making it within the energetic desire of wanting to please everyone, I wanted them to enjoy the meal, I wanted to get a "tap on my back" as everyone enjoys what I had made for them, and thus, within this desire I have allowed myself to stress about the meal within fear as "what if something goes wrong" instead of allowing myself to enjoy myself within the process as I prepare the meal and simple walk breath by breath, no energetic expectation / desires, as I realize these desires all present themselves as "I'm a good and caring person" but in fact they are all self interest from the perspective of the desire to please and being seen as good and receiving positive reinforcement, thus, when and as I'm preparing a big meal and see myself going into energy as desire to please and expectations of myself to serve a high standard, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I commit myself to simply make the food, breath by breath, to the best of my ability within using and working with what is here, and not allowing myself to fall into energy as I have proven to myself that when going into energy I am depleting myself from my power, I am giving myself away, I am not here in the moment but am busy in my mind in energy as desire / expectation / stress / worry, I realize there is no practical point for doing so, but the contrary, I realize it is self abusing self sabotaging and distracting, along with, as I allow myself to experience myself in this energy all I see is my goal, thus I separate myself from everything and everyone and thus create unnecessary friction and conflict as I move through out my day in energy.
Thus, within preparing a meal for others, when and as I see myself going into energy of pleasing / expectation / worry / stress, as trying to make the meal for "their" enjoinment, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that the energy is always hidden self interest and never for the best interest of the group nor myself really, and within that I realize that any stress / worry / expectation / desire is showing me that I am in fact preparing myself for a failure within existing I fear and self doubt, experienced as fear of judgment / criticism / failure, and thus, I commit myself to when seeing myself going into fear of judgment / criticism / failure as I am preparing a meal for others within the starting point as expectation and desire to please, I stop myself and breathe, I focus on the physical reality, I focus on my physical body, I focus on the practical steps I must take, I focus on the practicality of my responsibility - in this case to feed every body properly - I realize that the energy I am participating in, as the desire to please others, is not a practical nor necessary part of the equation, and thus should and must be let go of, as to prevent the outflow of such energy as I experienced the other day as stress, worry, inner friction and conflict that cause external friction and conflict. Within this I realize that all the steps I took to prepare the meal could have been done without energy, and I could have actually enjoyed myself through out the day as I prepare this meal, instead of existing in my mind as energy and missing out on all the fun of making dinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing that I had had made a mistake, to judge myself and blame myself for fucking up, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself through tunnel vision, as a very narrow perspective of myself and my actions - I realize that within blaming myself for my mistake I am blinding myself to the practical steps I have been physically taking and thus, not actually seeing me for who I am in my totality through how I am walking this point, but only focus on what I have done wrong, as I magnify it and believe it to be all of myself. I realize self blame is abusive and un just from perspective that it allows me to hate myself instead of support myself in seeing all aspects of myself as what I must maintain and expand on and what of myself must be change and corrected, not as a point of right and wrong as a polarity, but simply allowing myself to see who I really am, to change what must be changed as it is self sabotaging, self abusive and counter productive, and to keep that which is good, effective, practical and supportive - in other words to see myself for who I really am, to give myself credit for where I've been practical and effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance towards writing about myself that I have done things in practicality and effectiveness, as to see that I have done something "right", I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and truly accept / believe myself as the character of a inadequate / failure to such an extent that it's uncomfortable for me to recognize aspects about myself that I am actually improving in or good / effective at, or to acknowledge simple tasks that I am doing correctly - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tap myself on my own back, to give myself credit, to respect, to honor and to value myself, and thus I exist within the desire of being validated by others, as I believe / experience myself as I require the respect, value and honor of others as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself - I forgive myself for even now as I am writing this there is an experience within me of "not wanting to make a big deal out of what I did right, because it's so simple and can / should be disregarded" - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what I'm doing wrong in self hatred instead of also seeing that which I'm improving in, and changing within - I hadn't realized how deep this point goes, as I have created and accepted myself as the character of failure / inadequacy to such an extent that it's hard for me to say that I'm not all bad.
I commit myself to take notice throughout my day of things I am good at, to acknowledge aspects of myself that I want to maintain and expand within, as well as aspects of myself I would like to correct and improve, I commit myself to see myself in my totality and not focus only on the bad / defective / inferior / inadequate aspects of myself, but instead to make an effort and realize myself as who I really am, and not be content with the narrow, tunnel version of myself, fed to me by my mind and accepted as myself in self diminishment.
When and as I see myself going into self blame / judgment as believing I am only wrong, that all I do is wrong, I stop myself from participating in the mind as back chat / thoughts / self judgment / emotions, and breathe, I realize that this is a narrow view, looking through a tunnel while hiding from myself the totality of myself and painting a "dark" picture from a starting point of creating energy as inner friction / conflict, thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into self blame / judgment, to within breath, investigate in self honesty what are the mistakes that I have mis-taken that need be learnt from and corrected, and what are the points within which I was effective, directive and supportive, points that need be learnt from in order to maintain and expand within, I commit myself to do so as a practical process of evaluating where I can learn from my mistakes as to turn them into gifts of self expansion
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Saturday, December 22, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blogs:
Day 123 - Physics and the Desteni Process - From Overwhelmingness to Normal
Day 124 - Behind the Scenes of "Physics and the Desteni Process" series - Self Forgiveness
Day 125 - Behind the Scenes of "Physics and the Desteni Process" series - The Mind as a Pendulum - Self Forgiveness
in relation to the blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”
I started writing the blog series "physics and the desteni process" and within investigating the experience of overwhelmingness that came over me after a few days of starting writing, I realized that my initial starting point of writing about physics wasn't valid as a point within it was that I wanted to prove the physics community wrong, wrong from the perspective of showing that they have been looking at reality through a very narrow lens, and making assumptions that have had harmful consequences on our reality because they carry an entire belief system within them that is not aligned with what is best for all, while disregarding other perspectives that could be more supportive for humanity as a whole.
I wanted to show through physics that reality can, and should, be looked at from a different angle, an angle that it's sole purpose is to benefit our life here on earth, and when I say "our" I mean all of us, all that is here, all humans, all animals, plants, the earth itself and everything created by and from the earth, in other worlds, everything - I realize that even though my intentions were "good" as to show, expose and investigate points within physics and find ways to apply them as what is best for all - my starting point was not valid because it was based on energy - the question that I should always ask myself is "who am I within it" because what I've realized is that I didn't do it from a starting point of humbleness, like a child, investigating the world, asking questions and expressing themselves, but rather from a starting point of ego and separation, as I wanted to prove physics wrong and within that to prove myself "right". Instead of utilizing the tools and the knowledge of physics and applying them within common sense within walking a humble investigation, I have approached it from a starting point of walking into a battle field, preparing myself for war against physics, me against them, and within this starting point I created fear, fear of losing the battle that I have created in my mind, fear of being judged/mocked/ridiculed/crucified by the physics community that I have went to war against.
I realize within this that I have actually been showing myself my participation with my own inner battle, battling between the two personalities within myself that contradict each other, as the "physics" personality and the "desteni" personality, and thus experienced myself in an inner argument between both personalities that I have defined myself as through out my life. It took me a while to realize that I have been projecting my inner battle onto my starting point, and now that I have, I commit myself to investigate, forgive, and let go both personalities within realizing that both are equally limiting me within/as my self expression, and are equally an illusion of self. I realize that within the starting point of a battle, I've walked it as a bully, and in turn expected to be bullied in return, which then created fear within me as the fear of being crucified by the physics community for not being qualified enough to speak my mind about physics. Which then took me to a point of self doubt, "maybe it's true, maybe I am not qualified to speak about it, I didn't study as much as so many others"… and all this mind fuck is a result of my starting point being within energy, desire and inner conflict.
I realize this starting point isn't valid, it isn't valid because I forgot myself within it and instead wanted to prove a point within energy as to win the argument I created in my mind, in a desire to be right, in a battle between personalities, compromising myself through creating a desired end result for the project, as the desire to win the battle and being appreciated by the scientific community, and this desire built up to the belief that I, as the blogs that I write, must be approved and accepted within defining myself and my own self acceptance within the dependency of the acceptance and approval of others. Within this all I have been basically preparing myself to fall, because before starting writing and investigating the point, how can I already desire a specific outcome? While within desiring a specific outcome, anything else I will interpret as a failure, and then go into self diminishment for not making it - what I see here is relevant for any project, how important to remain stable in breathe, here, and walk the points as they open up, one step at a time, not from a starting point of wanting to prove something to anyone, but from a starting point of wanting to clear the point up within/as myself, to investigate for myself, to show myself the common sense in specificity, so that I know for myself that when I speak about equality, or when I speak about anything, I have shown myself the validity of what I am saying, and thus not say it from a belief, but from actual self investigation, and thus can speak it in self trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start a project within a starting point of wanting to prove others wrong and myself right, within this walking within energy as the desire to be right, from a starting point of ego and separation, instead of allowing myself to allocate myself within the starting point and walk the project for/as myself, within doing so, investigating and expending and expressing myself for/as myself, not dependent on others to see and approve my writing as myself, but to walk in self acceptance as I open up the point one step at a time, not within a future projection as a desire to get something out of it, but here, in the moment, writing unconditionally regardless of the outcome.
I commit myself to when starting a new project, to investigate myself as the starting point and to ensure that I am walking the project for/as myself within/as breath, within this, when/as I see that I my starting point is of desire to prove myself right or someone wrong, I stop, I breathe, I realign myself back to myself, I do not allow myself to continue the project while in a starting point of desire to be right, because I've seen the outflow of such a starting point results in self compromising and compromising of the project as a whole, thus I commit myself to take self responsibility for my starting point within everything I do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into this project from a starting point of a war between me and physics, instead of walking it from a starting point of cooperation, as I utilize the knowledge of physics and further investigate it within the principle of best for all, within looking at the points for the first time in new eyes, as to see how humanity can learn from physics and benefit our reality, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my inner battle between the two personalities instead of stopping myself and investigating each personality to put both to an end within realizing that both are self limiting because I have defined myself as them and thus felt constraint to maintain the personality, not allowing myself to expand and evolve in every moment of breath according to what is here in every moment, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a war zone in my mind, and thus create an experience of fear within believing the war to be true.
I commit myself to investigate my starting point within every project I start, within making sure I am not starting it within a war in my mind, as I've realized any idea of a war is a projection of an inner war existing within/as myself and thus I commit myself to take self responsibility to investigate the inner war and to put a stop to it within writing, self forgiveness and corrective statement, as I realize it is not acceptable to exist within an inner war, battling two personalities within myself and projecting this war onto a perceived war with others, I realize the acceptance of inner war is both compromising myself and others as I allow myself to attack them, thus, when I see myself experiencing myself in a war with another, I stop myself and breathe, I take it back to myself and investigate what am I fighting within myself, what are the two points of polarity within myself that I have allowed myself to project and thus exert the war outside of myself and compromise all around me in "dragging" them into my own self created battle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blinded by my "good intentions" and thus not allow myself to see that within the starting point of good intentions I am walking within energy, and thus creating an energetic polarity and thus experience fear and overwhelmingness as a result, thus I commit myself to, when going into a project within "good intentions" to stop myself and breathe, to not trust "good intention" blindly but to take a moment and investigate who I am within these intentions, as to find the point of energy within me and clear it up within self forgiveness and to continue walking this point/project in stability and thus prevent the inevitable fall that is sure to come within walking within energy, and thus utilize prevention as the best cure.
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Sunday, December 9, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
I realize I have been blaming/judging others for believing they are trying to avoid work, not realizing I am projecting myself onto them and thus distracting myself from my own acceptance and participation within avoiding work, while believing myself to be good and self righteous while judging others for being bad and manipulative, within this I realize my experience has been directed through the constant anticipation of being manipulated, within expecting others to be as manipulative as me, instead of stopping myself within manipulation and standing up within breath and simply allow myself and push myself to do what needs to be done, and not distract me from myself through judging/blaming others for what I perceive them to be doing, within the neurotic idea that they are plotting against meI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation within hiding my self interest to avoid working, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto others within the expectation of them doing the same, and thus to blame them for trying to avoid work instead of being self honest with myself and changing myself within my starting point of believing work should be avoided, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge others for that which I still participate within, and thus I commit myself to align myself with the principle of equality within give as you would like to receive and thus if I want to live in a world where people don't manipulate each other to avoid working - it must start with self first, and thus it must start with self change, and thus I commit myself to change my starting point towards work and within that I commit myself to stop myself form manipulating other for my own self interest, and only once I have changed myself I can look at others from a starting point of supporting them to see what they are participating within - but I realize I must be clear within and as myself first and stand as self trust to be sure that I am not participating within avoidance and manipulation, thus, when and as I see myself going into avoidance and manipulation in regards to work, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the back chat and bring myself back here to/as breath and walk the practical steps to get the job done, within this I commit myself to deliberately place myself in positions where normally I would want to avoid as to be able to brake the pattern and prove to myself that I am my self directive principle and that I am not limited / restricted / directed by the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the belief that work must be avoided, to have allowed myself to manipulate and deceive those around me as I try to get out of doing work, and within that expect others to do the same as me as I project myself onto them, and thus exist within an anticipation as an alert state as if waiting to be conned/manipulated
I realize that when I judge others for being manipulative I am actually showing myself that such manipulation still exist within me, and thus I stop myself within and as breath and turn it back to myself, within allowing myself to see in the moment where I am not being self honest and actually am manipulating the situation to suit my hidden self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a constant state of anticipation, as waiting to be conned / manipulated and thus communicate to others from a starting point of self defense as I defend my self interest while I am sure the other is acting from within their own self interest and thus I create a war/competition between us, as the battle of the ego, while existing within self righteousness and believing that I am innocent and they are the manipulative ones, thus I commit myself to when I experience myself in the state of anticipation towards someone manipulating me, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the practical physical reality and check my starting point to find where I am acting within self interest, and within this I commit myself to change my starting point and align it with what is best for all within the situation, and if I cannot find the point of self interest I commit myself to let go the point and not fight for it, because I realize it's become an ego battle, and all that will come out of it is friction and conflict, thus I take self responsibility and do not allow myself to participate and create more energy through friction and conflict and thus I stop myself in the moment from proceeding within the conversation / argument /situation
I realize that as long as I participate within self interest I will always create and exist within conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with others, because within self interest there will always be conflict of interest, within this I realize that by pushing through the self interest and not allowing myself to participate within it, and thus not allowing myself to manipulate to get my way, I will be able to establish effective communication with others and actually come to solutions that serve all as equals, thus serve me and them, as a shared interest within this shared earth on which we live on. Thus I commit myself to when I see myself participating in self interest, to stop myself within breath and to bring myself back here to the physical and equal reality, where we are all equal as life, and thus no ones interest is more important to be fulfilled than another, but rather the interest of life, as all as equal, is the only interest that is valid to peruse, and thus I commit myself to changing my starting point, time and time again, until living as what is best for all is my "nature" where I have built self trust and have let go of all the self interest which are based on personality as ego, and allow myself to be one and equal to all the is life
For Further Support, a FREE online Course
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Also, Please check out Links:
Desteni
Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
Equal Money System
Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life
Saturday, December 1, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blog
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself as assertive due to fear of the response of friends/family, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self judgment and self belief on to them, and thus create within my mind the idea that if they see me act assertive they'll know its an act, when in fact I fear seeing it as an act within not trusting myself or believing I can be assertive
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the expression of assertiveness within the self belief that I am not strong / stable / clear, and thus have not allowed myself to explore that expression as myself and thus limit myself and remain within the self belief of weak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist being assertive because I fear receiving a non supportive/accepting response of the other, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of judgment and not allowing myself to express myself fully as myself, thus allowing myself to compromise myself and exist within fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist expressing myself as assertive because I fear not being taken seriously, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as the character of the joker and thus believe that I cannot step out of character and if I do I will be mocked by others that know me as the joker and will not respect/accept the new expression they don't know me as, as assertive
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of not being taken seriously and within this to allow myself to be directed by the memory, not allowing myself to be assertive/serious within the fear of the events of the memory repeating themselves, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the memory and within self forgiveness to let go of it, to allow myself a clean slate, and to live in the moment and not in the past through memories
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of not being taken seriously and allow myself to fear exposing myself as who I am because I fear being hurt by the response I get from others, thus allowing myself to suppress myself and compromise myself to please others as to adjust myself to what I believe others want me to be, instead of simply breathing and allowing me to live within self honesty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of insult when speaking seriously/assertively and the response of others is not supportive, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for not taking me seriously, not allowing myself to take self responsibility from perspective of seeing that I have been deceiving them with the act of the joker, and thus I realize that I must give up the act of the joker in order to express myself here, and within giving up myself as the joker I will not create myself as the personality of the joker and thus will not fear presenting myself as assertive, thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself as the joker and my main personality within the desire to please people through making them laugh and amused, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously and thus not allowed myself to simply be here within my self expression and believed I have to put on an act as the joker to be accepted by others
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that as I participate in the character of the joker I am hiding from actually expressing myself as who I am, and within that creating a personality that then I experience that I have a responsibility to hold up, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give up the joker and allow myself to express myself as the moment within allowing myself to be both assertive/serious and the joker/funny not because I have to, because that is the roll I have given myself to act, but because it is my expression in the moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stepping out of character and thus lose all that the character has given me, thus deliberately holding myself in an act, not allowing myself to live self honestly, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go the act and allow myself to be free
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what other people say personally instead of realizing that when they say reflect who they are and does not actually reflect me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk into "hurtful" situations in order to test myself as checking to see my reaction, and within every reaction to reveal another layer of myself, another point that I am enslaved to, and thus within allowing myself to see myself as the mind, as the reaction, to take self responsibility and change as allowing myself to let go the points that come up, and direct myself to walk through them, and practically physically change within them to align myself to what is best for all, and that starts with being able to trust myself that I am the directive principle of/as myself in every moment and that I am not directed by fear/reactions
More to follow
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Wednesday, November 7, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Within investigating the fear dimension of the character " I don't like being corrected / told what to do", I will now open up the point of the fear of being judged by others, as the fear of being seen as wrong/stupid/slow/bad at what I'm doing
When I am being corrected or told what to do, I experience it as if the other is looking down at me, as they need to correct me or tell me what to do because I am unable to get it on my own, so I experience myself as less than them just by them correcting me or telling me what to do. The point here is that it's not just me evaluating myself as less than, within the construct of self diminishment, the fear is in regards to them seeing/knowing it, as they have corrected me thus they must have already judged me and see me as wrong/stupid/slow… within this I see their judgment as a point of confirmation of my own self diminishment, yet my self diminishment is hidden through the characters I have created myself as, as I present myself as confident, outgoing, smart, interesting, because that is how I want to see myself and be seen as, thus I fear my actual beingness as inferior being exposed and confirmed through how I perceive others are seeing me.
So why do I fear being judged by others? Why do I care what they think of me? Why do I fear them thinking I am stupid/slow/inadequate? Why am I allowing myself to see myself through their eyes, and not even their eyes but actually what I perceive to be in their eyes, thus, why do I fear my own self projected self judgment?
A point to look at within this is how do I exist when I am "on the other side of the coin", when I correct others or judge them? Within this question I see that I fear being corrected/judged by others within and expectation that they will correct/judge me as I do them, and just by asking myself this question I already see the abusive nature I have allowed myself to exist as, as through correcting others I allow myself to judge them - I judge people as less than me because I believe I know more than them, or because I perceive them to be in an inferior position, I tend to resent them, I act in spitefulness towards them, I bully them, in the little things, I patronize them as I make myself seam helpful and caring but am really getting a kick off of their inadequacy that is giving me the opportunity to shine, I speak in a tonality to make sure they know how small they are, to make myself feel bigger, I jump at the opportunity to be on top, I abuse my power through not supporting them as myself within equality but rather dismissing them, keeping them down, to experience the energetic high of being superior, as temporary as it may be. I realize that in fact I do it all from a starting point of covering up / hiding my own inferiority complex, but that is just a justification, an excuse I tell myself to make it OK, while I am in fact allowing myself to participate in inequality, as a form of abuse, as subtle or extreme as it may be.
So, why do I fear being judged? In essence, I fear receiving the same treatment, I fear being on the other side, I fear receiving that which I have given within my participation within/as judgment of others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards being corrected within the idea that when I am being corrected I am being judged as wrong/stupid/slow/incompetent, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect between being corrected and being judged, thus not allowing myself to be here and hear the correction because I automatically go into my mind and try to analyze what the other is thinking of me, thus not allowing myself to practically implement the correction that is being suggested, within this, I commit myself to, when being corrected, when I see myself going into fear of judgment, to stop and breathe, to allow myself to listen unconditionally to what is being said to me, and from a point of hearing what is being said here, to act within consideration of the practicality of the physical reality, and not allow myself to go into my mind as fear of judgment, as I realize it is an alternate reality, as an illusion, that I cannot trust as fact, as it is all self created and based on fears/beliefs/ideas, thus I support myself to be here and hear what is physically being said, and I apply myself within common sense, within the principle of what is best for all, without attaching any energetic reaction to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/define myself through what others think of me, and within this I haven't realized that what others actually think of me is their own self creation, based on their mind bubble they have created for themselves, and thus has nothing to do with me actually, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea that what others think of me actually has an impact on who I am, and within that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that by being directed by what others think of me, and I am allowing myself to fall in the mind's trap as being directed by what others are thinking of me instead of being self directive within/as breath, as who I am in the moment, it's funny really, because I realize they do not impact me with what they think unless I allow it to impact me, and then it does, through how I exist in fear of what they might think… it's crazy... Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in most cases they are not even thinking of me what I think they are thinking of me, it is all created in my mind through projecting my own self judgment onto them, and then believing them to be judging me and fearing their judgment, while all along not seeing the point that if they were judging me, it wouldn't in fact reflect me, but rather them, and wither they are judging me or not, the fear of their judgment indicates my own self judgment, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my own self judgment from myself, as I do not accept myself unconditionally, as I judge myself for making mistakes and for being corrected as it indicates I have made a mistake, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally and within that to project my self judgment onto others and allow myself to exist in fear that seams to me to be coming from "out there" when in fact I am the sole creator of it within/as myself as the mind, thus I commit myself to investigate all point of fear of judgment and take it back to self within realizing that it is all indicating points iwthin myself that I am judging myself for and thus not allowing myself to accept/love myself unconditionally as who I am as life, and as I have mentioned before, as I do not allow myself to accept myself, I hide myself from myself within judgment and thus sabotage myself from the possibility of self change into becoming a being that lives in self dignity/acceptance/trust, to allow myself to become a being that supports self as life and creates a world that is best for all, and not based on fears/self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of others judging me to such an extent that I experience myself frozen, as paralyzed, as not allowing myself to make any move as self expression due to fear of being judged, and within that not allowing myself to accept corrections/instructions even if they are completely "innocent" from a perspective that they simply are what they are, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of being seen as stupid/slow/inadequate direct me in such a way that I am in fact creating myself as slow/stupid/inadequate through my participation within/as the mind as fears instead of standing as life, and living here as breath in every moment
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