Showing posts with label breath. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breath. Show all posts
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all
have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all
die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not
believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!
As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I
suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to
call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores
of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the
words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self
responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him.
So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer -
To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly
have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are
living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they
are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the
totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the
limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind
– I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for
this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have
been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not
allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of
myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I
would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this
before his death.
Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return,
and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point
of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on
breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point /
opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously,
so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people
have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up
and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning
back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply
myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the
perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i
stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and
lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking,
then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is
dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make
the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath
by breath until it’s done.
He told me so many time that all I must do is make a
decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks
and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot
about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others
do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder,
because each time I have developed another layer of memories and experiences proving to myself that I
cannot make the decision to change nor walk the living example of equality, and like
Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me
from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself
through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself
to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the
full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as
myself.
Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting
it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now
there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive
and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see
through his words the truth of me.
Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how
everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections
of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear,
because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions,
judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is
theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves
to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the
blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that with Bernard it, the reflection of myself,
was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or
blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only
clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right
through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him,
hiding was never an option.
There is an interesting point here because its not like he
put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself
to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see
me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself
to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was
never him – it was always and is always me.
So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I
can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his
example?
I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a
slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk
I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and
steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a
time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to
myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this
is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are
so many other little points of insight.
He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a
friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he
was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if
they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that
point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I
forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death?
Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?
I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing
up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at
a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself
down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the
self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and
free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit
myself to myself as life.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
This is a continuation from yesterday’s blog: Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on my appearance and within that to define myself according to how I look, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into energetic experiences as feeling and emotions due to the self judgment of how I look whether good or bad, thus allowing my experience to be directed by how I perceive my appearance to be in each moment, whether satisfactory according to some ideal I created, or non satisfactory
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that my appearance define me and thus I allow myself to judge myself as my appearance to evaluate who I am as the self definition of me, within this diminishing myself as life and comparing myself to a one dimensional lifeless image as a picture in my mind as a list of characteristics, as a caricature that I wish to resemble
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in regards to appearance where I judge them as more or less than me and accordingly feel good or back about myself due to have defining myself in comparison to them, within this defining both them and myself according to appearance and thus creating for myself a one dimensional representation of reality as images as lifeless caricatures, instead of realizing that all are life and as life we exist as multidimensional beings, and thus allowing myself to interact with real live beings and not exist as a one dimensional cartoon figure I have created in my mind and has not real life value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be more conscious about my appearance when I am around people that I judge as better looking than me, within this I allow myself to go into an experience of wanting to hide myself as to not show the imperfections within the concern that others will see me and compare me, as I do, to those better looking than me and will see / judge me as less than, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear their rejection within the belief / idea that they will prefer the other being due to them being better looking, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect appearance to acceptance and thus fear not being accepted / loved / appreciated when in my environment there are better looking people, once again, not realizing that as I fear not being accepted due to appearance I am showing myself back to myself- that in fact I have been judging people according to their appearance and accepting or rejecting them based on my visual attraction to them, I realize within this that as long as I judge others for their appearance I will exist in fear of being judged for mine, thus I realize I must be the point of change and to stop the judgment both towards myself and towards others within the realization that we are not defined by our appearance, and within stopping the judgment stopping the fear of being judged by others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compensate my insecurities about my appearance through neglecting my self as my physical body and making it seem to myself and others that I don't care about appearances, thus creating a character within and as myself as someone who doesn't care about looking nice, when in fact I have been judging myself for my appearance because I do care, because I have given value to appearance, and thus I have allowed myself to exist as a lie within fear, within the belief that if I appear to not care about appearances no one will judge me but rather respect me for not caring, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others within allowing myself to exist and present myself as a character as someone that doesn't care, when in fact I do, instead of stopping the source of the lie which is the belief that appearance actually defines who I am, and within that belief justify the self judgment for not appearing as the ideal appearance, not realizing that this entire construct of self judgment is only existing through and within my participation acceptance and allowance - thus I realize it is up to me to stop - thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in thoughts, emotions, feelings, comparisons due to appearance, I stop myself immediately within breath, and I breathe and don't allow the thoughts to take me over, I remain here and do not participate with the temptation as the habit to go into and participate with giving value to appearance, I stop and breathe until the temptation is over and I am here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent / spite beings that I have judged as better looking than me within blaming them as who they are as good looking for making me feel bad about myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for being good looking instead of taking self responsibility for and as myself within realizing that they are not making me feel anything, it is all self created as I have allowed myself to define myself according to appearance and thus allow myself to feel inferior / not good enough when in my environment there are beings that I have compared myself to and have defined them as better than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself according to my appearance, within a belief that I should look in a specific way to be accepted, and thus have not allowed myself to accept myself until I look in alignment to my belief as the ideal way to look, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never question how and why I have defined the ideal beauty as I did, and within investigating the point realizing that it was never actually my choice as what I believe to be pretty as a personal preference, but it has always been an accepted beauty ideal that I have came to accept through repeated and consistent interaction with the media and society, thus "eating up" the beauty model" I have being fed, allowing myself to be programed by mass media to belief some body shape / form are more valuable than others, some hair color / eye color / nose shape / posture and so on, are better and to be more valued than others - I forgive myself for never allowing myself to actually question this ideal, and to realize how abusive it is within realizing that all have a different shape / form to their body, thus any idea of ideal is an act of exclusion, and basically simply an opinion, not valid as the reality of life, but simply as an accepted opinion, thus within seeing from my own personal experience, and from the experience of others, the destructive consequences the beauty ideal has on myself and society, I commit myself to let it go, to stop myself from participating within it as an energetic entity within myself. When and as I see myself go into any energetic reaction due to my relationship to the beauty ideal - I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, the actual physical is all shapes and all forms in equality, and thus there cannot be a preferred shape or form to the human physical body.
To be continued
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Friday, November 16, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness
Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf
Day 92 - Fear Dimension - Part 13 - Fear of Losing MySelf - Self forgiveness
I realize that I am here and cannot lose myself except as an idea I had of myself, thus, when and as I see myself going into fear of losing myself within the context of resisting letting go of a self definition or a definition I have believed to be true, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical reality, to myself as the physical body, I realize I can only lose myself as the mind, as an idea/definition, and cannot actually lose myself as life
I realize that within participating in self definition I am actually separating myself from myself and limiting myself to a narrow, one dimensional definition, thus, when and as I see myself holding on, within reaction, to a self definition of myself I stop myself and breathe, within breath I allow myself to expand, as allow myself to let go the definition I have of myself within realizing that it is a mind illusion, created to keep me enslaved and limited, as to not realize myself as life, as equal and one to all that is here, thus when and as I see myself resisting letting go a self definition or a definition I have accepted to be true through reacting to what is being said, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to listen to what is being said unconditionally, I allow myself to practice critical reasoning and expand within the point discussed, not limiting myself to the old knowledge I have on the topic but allow myself to stretch the boundaries of my mind that I have allowed to limit and direct me
I realize that the self definition I have of myself as being a nice/good/smart/intelligent person is based in polarity and within it exist the fear of being or being seen as the other side of the polarity as bad/stupid/boring, within this I realize that I have designed and accepted myself as the "good" side of the polarity based on my upbringing as a outflow of the social accepted norms I grew up with, within this I realize I have created myself as this "good" character, as an act, to survive and to be accepted by society, thus, when and as I see myself going into the nice/good character, as defending myself as the nice/good character, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body as myself, I do not accept myself to participate in this character because I realize it is a lie, and is in fact allowing the suppression of all that I am that isn't defined as good/nice
I realize that by participating and defending the good/nice character I have created myself as, I am in fact being directed by fear, fear of what the consequences will be if I am not that definition any more, thus, when and as I see myself going into fear of not being defined as nice/good, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that within the principle of equality and oneness I am equal and one to all that exist, and within the current world I can clearly see that I am one and equal to a bad/brutal/evil reality, and thus I realize that the self definition of being nice/good is separating myself from all that is here and not allowing myself to take self responsibility of that which is brutal/evil, and thus accepting and allowing the brutality within myself and within the world to continue uninterrupted, thus, when and as I see myself separating myself from all that is bad/brutal/evil I stop and breath, I allow myself to accept myself within/as the evil that exist in the world as I realize all this evil exist within/as myself as one and equal, thus I push myself to see what the world as a mirror is showing me as reflecting self back to self as self support, so I take all that I see as a gift and within gratefulness I allow myself to see the evil within myself, and to stop pushing it away from myself within separation
I realize that the evil that exist in the world reflect me, and within this I realize that I have allowed myself to exist as an organic robot, designed and programmed by my parents/society and accepted/allowed by/as myself through my participation within/as it, thus when and as I see myself resisting/rejecting myself as bad/evil, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is what it is, I stop the self judgment within self forgiveness, and within humbleness I allow myself to embrace myself within/as the evil, as to be able to unconditionally investigate the point of evil within/as myself, without the vail of self judgment designed to hide myself from myself, and within investigating myself as the point and within/through self forgiveness, I give myself the gift of change, and allow myself to expand/grow/change as that which is best for all, to live/be as a living example
I realize that the current state of the world is based on all the definitions that exist within/as it as an accumulation of all that is accepted and allowed, thus I realize that to change our world as the reality we exist in we must allow ourselves to change the definitions to be living words as words that support life and expose the abuse and stop allowing the suppression/limitation of the mind, I realize that words have been a tool that creates/enhances the illusion of separation we exist as, and the words within their definitions have been justifying our self interest within promoting fear, thus when and as I see myself resisting redefining a word within holding on to the definition I have from the past, I stop and breathe, I realize that all words and definitions must change if the world is to change, and within myself I realize that I must allow myself to let go all definitions in order to be able to expand beyond the limitations of the mind, as an accumulation of all that I ever learnt/experienced/defined. Thus, as I breathe I bring myself back here to/as the physical reality within/as my physical body, as this is what is here as life, and as I bring myself back to the physical I breathe the resistance as energetic build up into the ground, giving back to the ground the energy that has been consumed from the physical, and as I return the energy to the ground I let go the attachment/holding on I have towards the definition, and allow myself to be humble, to be "not knowing", to be here without any knowledge to protect me, simply here as breath, nothing to protect, nothing to hide, nothing to hide from, here, stable
I realize that the fear/resistance I experience towards letting go of definitions is manifested as back chat, thus, when and as I see myself going into back chat within/as the mind as telling myself why I shouldn't let go the definition, and why it just doesn't make sense, and why I am right and they are wrong, I stop myself and breathe, I stop myself and don't allow myself to participate in the back chat, I realize that back chat exist within my hidden mind, separated from reality, hidden from the eyes of others because it is always based in self interest, and thus allows and promotes abuse, allows and promotes abdication of responsibility, justifies itself and the reaction and thus keeping self further away from living as equality and oneness as what is best for all, thus, within breath, I stop the back chat, I do not allow myself to fall in it's tempting trap, I remain here, supporting myself within/as breath, until the back chat "loses" its power over me, and I remain standing, self directive, here
For Further Support, a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out Links:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
