Showing posts with label mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mind. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
It's still the same point - when I am about to do something that has to do with interaction with people, such as going to a meeting or making a phone call, I experience this form of resistance, a form of fear, an anxiety, and I am reluctant to do it - that's when the back chat is most creative, because now it starts coming up with all the reasons why it's valid to avoid this point and procrastinate it, suddenly "later" is the best time to do everything, suddenly all the other things on my "to do" list jump to first priority and so, instead of seeing this for what it is, as a pattern of fear that I have been participating with all my life up to a point of believing it to be me, and that this pattern as my participation with fear, has been and still is, limiting me from becoming as effective as I can be, enabling me to accomplish all that I want to, and instead of simply not allowing myself to follow this back chat to actually do that which I know needs to be done regardless my momentary preferences and irrational fears.
Looking at it now, I see myself actually enjoying the back chat, as it is the only thing that "allows me to be me" or "accepts me as who I am" - but is it really who I am, or is this back chat simply allowing me to continue existing in my fear as the limitation of myself, and to stay in my small zone of comfort and not change - it "feels" like my back chat is on "my side", it feels like it supports me, when really it is not, it could not be further from the truth - the back chat is only "supporting" me in self interest as the mind, allowing me and manipulating me to exist as a limited lifeless organic robot, but it really never supports me in fact, as who I really am, as what is actually best for me within the greater picture, the picture that is reality as the physical - it never actually supports me as a living being in a living and physical reality - it only supports me as the mind, as the illusion, as opinions, as preferences, as beliefs, as the narrow and limited view of self interest.
I have been following my mind blindly, allowing myself to be directed day in and day out, allowing myself to be directed by the back chat making it to be the god of me, instead of standing up within and as myself and making a stand to / for / as myself, reclaiming myself back to myself, reminding and stating to myself that I am here to serve myself as life, if nothing else than should at least push myself to do what is really best for me, as true self interest and not destructive self interest within following the patterns of fear and self sabotage - to push myself to support myself in fact as what is really best for me in the long run, which is what is best for all in the greater picture, and visa versa, as what is best for all is always the answer to what is best for me - and even though I cannot say I always know what is best, I know for a fact that it is certainly not best for me nor anyone around me to justify my own limitation and accept my fears as the director of me, but rather to support myself to over come my fears and expand and grow and allow myself to become a fearless being, that walks in stability, in consistency, in certainty, in self trust, in self honor, that is up for any challenge, that will not stop for anything until the task is done and complete, that will keep on walking and learning and expanding in every moment and every breath, and walking each breath within the principle of equality as love thy neighbor as myself, as a living practice.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist doing things alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist going dancing / climbing alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as to which activity to participate with and which not, based on if I have someone to go with me, within this, I realize that I have not been applying this as a point of practicality but rather of fear, as I fear and resist going alone due to accepting the fear of facing people on my own, and thus, I allow this fear to limit me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resisting doing things alone due to going into my mind in thoughts as back chat and future projections and imaginations of how it will be when if go alone and have people / strangers talk to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid going places alone because in my imaginations and future projections of how it will be I cannot come up with how it will be and so I fear the unknown from a starting point of not trusting myself, as if by not knowing exactly how it will be, who will be there and what they will say, I cannot trust that I will know how to handle the situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable doing things when I have someone to do it with, though when looking practically when I am at the event I do enjoy meeting new people and having new conversations, and so it is not an actual fear of people but more of an idea of fear as future projection and "worst case scenario" syndrom
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the following back chat when thinking of going somewhere alone:
"I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic"
"No one will talk to me and I will look lonely and rejected"
"The only people that will talk to me will be the ones I don't want talking to me"
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the back chat that I have been participating in and thus allowing myself to be directed by it without looking at what it is showing me as who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the back chat "I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic" and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate being alone to being pathetic, as I have place a value on standing alone and have defined it within an energetic polarity as someone unwanted that symbolized being rejected, unwanted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief / idea that no one would prefer being alone and thus being alone would never be by choice, but rather a result of being rejected and unwanted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an idea of being alone and thus to separate myself from alone as the living word, within not allowing myself to see myself as who I am as the word alone, and thus within looking at myself as the expression of the word I have not allowed myself to investigate the word within and as myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that, when I am not in my mind in imaginations and ideas and judgments, and allow myself to be here in breath, I do enjoy myself being alone, and thus, I know within myself that being alone is not bad / pathetic, yet I have allowed myself to exist within this idea and live my life accordingly, as accepting this model / construct and playing by those rules, even though within myself I know that I do enjoy doing things alone when I allow myself to do so mind-free
When and as I want to do something and see the thoughts / fears / resistance of doing it alone come up, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, and remind myself that I do enjoy doing things alone and that it is only the mind as thoughts that is creating the resistance towards doing things alone - within this, I commit myself, when these thoughts as resistance towards doing things alone come up, to stop and breathe and reassess the situation and if practically doing it alone makes sense, then, to push myself to do it and over come the fear as a step towards self trust, as I have evaluated the situation and have directed myself to go ahead and enjoy myself and not allow myself to be limited by the mind's ideas
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my fear of being alone stems from my judgment towards being alone, and thus the very same judgment I hold towards others as I see them standing alone, I fear facing when it will be turned to me as I stand alone, within tis, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me, for standing alone, while in fact admiring them and looking up to them for not allowing themselves to be limited, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity within my relationship towards the word alone, as I desire the ability to stand alone and thus project that as comparison and hidden jealousy, and at the same time, as to hide from myself the admiration, to spite those that stand alone in judgemt as to view them as pathetic and thus create within myself the fear of being looked at by others in the same way that I judge those that stand alone
When and as I see myself judging others for being alone, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that being alone does not define who they are as good or bad, and that by participating in such in-mind gossip I am not only allowing the construct of judgment and gossip to be, but I am also causing myself direct consequences as the fear of being on the other side of the coin, as to be judged as I judge. And so, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to bring myself back here, and look at the physical reality of the situation without the attachments of values I have added to it, as good / bad
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Now, this point of self value, or shall I say, lack of it, has been in the background of my process for quite some time, t is a prominent point that leaves a mark in everything I participate in, it's like an additional flavor to everything I do in life - so, why do I not value myself?
Obviously this is a very compacted point and relates and connects to many other points - which brings up this experience of overwhelmingness as "how the hell am I going to tackle this point?" but I have recently realized once again, that this is a process, and a long one as well, and no, any point I face, I cannot now what I will find within the investigation, otherwise I would not need to investigate, and I do not yet know where it will lead me to - and thus, the only thing to do, is grab one end of a string and start following the information that opens up - and I'll see where I take myself and what I
find.
So here goes.
I'm trying to look back and I ask myself when did I first experience myself as not worthy / not good enough / not valuable - a few family memories come to mind.
The first is that that I constantly compared myself to my sister, I always saw her as perfect, beautiful, smart, good dancer, fun, easy going, friendly and caring - everything that I didn't see myself as, and even when I did see it as myself I would compare, and in comparison to her I would always loose. But why did I compare? What compelled me to evaluate myself according and in relation to her?
Also, I remember that there was a time where I was thinner than her (weight was always an issue in my home as I grew up), and maybe I had a boyfriend at that time - I considered myself to be in a "better place" than her for a while, and I remember how uncomfortable that was for me, like I was out of place to be in a better position than her, it didn't fit with my world view, as within my comparison to her, I was always the inferior / less than, and not being in that position was awkward for me, I even felt guilty, thinking that I can handle being inferior, as I have been so all my life, but for her it's a first, and she must be taking it hard, and it's all my fault, then I would diminish myself within the intention of not rubbing it in, but looking at it now, I guess I did it for my own comfortability rather than actually for her.
Another point / memory, is that my dad would tell me before exams that I don't have to get good grades, I only have to do good enough to pass, and again, my sister was a very good student, and so, when my dad told me I don't have to do so well I knew he was saying that so I don't stress myself over it as she has, but I added onto that my interpretation of him not believing in me - it was actually an interesting dynamic with him, before exams he would tell me that I don't have to do very well, and then when I would get ok grades he would ask why I didn't do any better - both remarks I had taken in and recorded them as indicating that I am not smart / good enough, inadequate, and a disappointment to my dad - when I signed up for my physics degree I was so unsure of myself, I went in with a great possibility of failing, and I remember telling myself, just as my dad told me, that all I need to do is not fail, I don't have to be the best - and in fact through out my degree, I never put in my best, I always was content with being mediocre, and I don't mean that my grades were not good enough, I mean that in relation to myself, I know within myself that I didn't actually invest myself into it, I deliberately didn't do my best, and for the first year I was sure I will fail any moment, I was so unsure of myself
So far what I se is comparison to my sister, and later on in life to other girlfriends that I have placed in my sister's shoes and defined myself as less than them, these friends had power in my eyes, they seemed confidant, or were beautiful or smart, or likable, or friendly - always seeing myself as less valuable, second best, unworthy - experiencing myself as pathetic in relation to them, like "what's the point of even trying to compare myself to them, who am I fooling" - in many cases I would see this come up in relation to guys, where they would always prefer my friends over me, and so I felt like I was in competition with them, like I must win the guy to prove to myself I am worthy - and actually in many cases I "stole" the guy my girlfriend liked, I would never back off, I had to have them, that was like a form of proof that I have some value, "they want me over you", of course, this is a big point within itself, as I see there are many more layers as to why did I go after the boys my friends liked, but here is one dimension of it as to prove to myself that I am better than them in winning this competition I had created.
Once again, it's so clear to see how the mind is dangerous, from the perspective of when I allow myself to be directed by the mind, not taking responsibility of my own life, but following blindly the suggestions and interpretations and self beliefs created by the mind and accepted by self - I end up harming people, creating unnecessary conflict, disregarding others in my life and doing only that which serves my own interest regardless of who stands in my way and who I have to step on to get there, while justifying to myself that I am not a bad person, when in fact I am the pure manifestation of evil, as I did so in complete disregard of the others, I really couldn't care less - actually, that's not entirely true, because it's not that I didn't care, because I actually did so in spitefulness, I wanted to win to prove to myself through this victory that I am worthy and valuable, as if we were in an actual competition, competing against each other, and, for me to win and experience the victory I wanted them to painfully lose, they had to know / see that they have lost, they had to feel it, as I have felt it many times……. Lol, but because I justified myself believing I was innocent, I also wanted / expected them to approve and "give me their blessings" - I was completely blind to what I was participating with. But, the bottom line is that I went after those guys to fulfill that part of me that feels unworthy and not valuable, and to repair this unpleasant emotion I would do anything, and justify myself as I do so.
Tomorrow self forgiveness on the points that came up here in regards to self value / worth
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Sunday, March 31, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
I have previously found the definition for dedication as it is nicely defined as the following equation:
Dedication = direction + decision + action
I find that I struggle with the “action” portion of the equation, where I see in a moment what I must do, but I don’t do it, or I see what I must stop doing, but I continue – this is done by me in full awareness, and even though I can see myself applying myself in contradiction with my expressed direction and decision, I still go ahead and contradict myself, place myself in inner conflict – I realize that allowing myself to make a directive decision in awareness in alignment to a principle that I am standing as, to then defy myself and act in contradiction to myself, is self destructive, as it sabotages my self trust in myself – how can I trust myself if I say one thing and then act in contradiction?
I realize that over time I have participated in this pattern over and over, and believe it to be stronger than me – but within this I know in self honesty, that it is not the pattern that is stronger than me, because it is I that give the pattern it’s strength through my participation, it is not to blame the pattern in separation of myself, but rather to realize that it is I that is sabotaging myself, it is I that am separated from / as myself, and so I must ask myself why would I do that? What is hidden here, what is the cause and reason for me to lie to myself as making statements that I do not intend to stand as, or intend to momentarily, but then in full awareness act otherwise?...
What keeps coming up is a point of laziness and comfortability, where I make an aware directive decision but when the time comes to act on it, I retreat to my comfort zone, and am not willing to walk the physicality of the decision, am not willing to put the physical effort, to walk through the physical resistance – is it really laziness that has been directing me?
Looking at it now, it seems like pure elitist behaviour, a behaviour of a spoilt brat that is not willing to lift a finger – I’m ashamed to see myself as such a person, but more than that, I’m ashamed that even with seeing myself as a spoilt brat, I haven’t yet been able to stop and change myself – is this the person I am doomed to be? Or am I going to find it in myself to change myself?
I obviously want to change and stop participating in the “spoilt brat” character, but at the same time I don’t, because the spoilt brat protects me from doing what I don’t want to do, but what I’ve been hiding from myself is the long term effects of the spoilt brat character, which is to never actually get / be / achieve what I really want, beyond the momentary short term satisfaction.
The spoilt brat character’s main back chat is “I don’t feel like it”, “but, I don’t want to”, “it’s too hard”, “I’ll do it later”, “maybe someone else can do it”, “me? No way, why me, I shouldn’t be the one doing this, it’s not fair”, “I don’t have time”, “I’m busy with other stuff” – the list of excuses and justification is endless – but that is all they are, excuses and justifications, they haven’t got any real substance as an actual valid reason why not to do that which I have made a directive decision to do – yet, even though they are empty excuses – why do I fall for it every time? And more importantly, how can I support myself to stop falling in the spoilt brat’s trap?
How can I dedicate myself to myself as life, how can I commit myself to follow my directive decisions and not my self interest characters as the “spoilt brat”?
I realize that the spoilt brat character is based on energy, as it is directed by the energetic experience of “I don’t feel like it”, and so when and as I experience the “I don’t feel like it” energy coming up, I stop myself and breathe, I realize I am faced with a choice in that very moment – am I going to follow the energy in self interest and become the “spoilt brat” character, or am I going to stand as self directive principle and direct myself in breath as what is best for all, within common sense?
I realize that each time I give in to the “spoilt brat” character it becomes stronger as I become weaker, and every time I stand up within myself and stop myself form participating and becoming the “spoilt brat” character I empower myself, and so, within this I realize that it will be a long process of accumulation, as I have accumulated myself as the “spoilt brat” and now it’s up to me to accumulate myself as life, as standing up in self direction and not follow the path of energy, not follow the self interest as satisfying the momentary desire but rather to satisfy myself as life and walk the directive decision I have made in awareness and allowing myself to be the living example of the principle that I stand as. Wouldn’t that be much more satisfying in the long run?
When and as the “spoilt brat” character comes up within me, as the energetic experience of “I don’t feel like it”, I stop myself and breathe, and I commit myself to do just one more thing, as small as it may be, but to do it in my totality, as a self directive doing, and then once I’m done with this one thing, I breathe and ask myself if I can push myself to do just one more thing, whether it be writing another statement / paragraph / forgiveness, or walking a few more steps towards the completion of another task, and I continue one breath at a time, one more task at a time, where each little task is one point of pushing through the resistance as self sabotage as the “spoilt brat” character, and thus, each little task that I do and do not allow the character to direct me is a small victory for self, a small stand, and so I accumulate myself as self stand, one little point at a time.
Within this, I commit myself to when applying this self correction, as walking just one more task, to do so in breath, and not within “getting it over with” experience, as I realize that would be self manipulation and not actually being here as self support, and so, if I see myself doing a task within a “let’s get it over with” experience, I stop myself and breathe, I slow myself down in breath, I bring myself back here to my physical body, I remind myself that I am here, doing this, and I will have no regrets if I allow myself to actually be here in my totality and complete what I am doing within self integrity, as actually being here and not in my mind in spitefulness towards the situation and towards myself for not satisfying my desire of “but I don’t feel like doing it” and so, when I see myself going into self spitefulness, I stop myself and breathe, I shake myself up and return here to my physical body, and slow myself down to apply myself in the physical action within breathing, allowing myself to be here with my movements, with my breath, and do not allow back chat to infiltrate my experience in the moment.
I commit myself to ask myself direct questions when and as I see myself not standing as my decision, as not acting in alignment with my directive decision, and so, when and as I see myself contradicting myself, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself why am I sabotaging myself, and I don’t move / participate with anything until I give myself a clear answer in self honesty, and so, I commit myself to push myself to not let myself off the hook, so to speak, and to actually investigate / interrogate myself within the self honest intention of understanding why, at this very moment, I am prepared to sabotage myself through acting in contradiction to my directive decision. And within this, I commit myself to walk myself hand in hand, back here, into alignment with my directive decision, aligned with common sense, aligned with self support, I commit myself to be gentle with myself yet firm and directive, I commit myself to parent myself into self alignment, and treat myself as an innocent child with compassion and care, yet to be strict with myself and push for self discipline.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
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Saturday, March 16, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
A must hear:
Where does Self-Judgment come from – from the World around us, or from our own Imaginations?
Has your Self Image negatively influenced your life? Here we discuss How Self Judgment takes over every aspect of your Life, Thoughts and experiences.
Why would we say things to ourselves that we would never dare to say to another?
Why do we feel like we deserve to be punished through our own self judgment and how does the media contribute to this feeling?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an idea that I am not capable and believe this idea to be the truth of me, instead of realizing that I am using this idea as an excuse to get out of my responsibilities, and thus, I prefer to see myself as inadequate, as powerless, rather than admitting that I am deliberately not taking the responsibility that is mine to take, within living and existing within / as self interest as only doing that which I please at the moment and not considering anything and anyone beyond the reach of my momentary satisfaction / enjoyment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer seeing myself as inadequate rather than admitting that I just don't care - don't care enough about myself to push myself, to motivate myself, and to direct myself to be all that I can be, so instead I have created myself within the belief that I simply cannot, that I am not good enough, that I cannot expand, learn and prefect myself, that I cannot free myself from the limitations of the mind - as I'd rather believe I cannot than admit that I simply won't - and thus, in time I have forgotten this self manipulation and actually believe that I cannot, and from this point on I can pretend that I care, that I want to change, that I want to expand and free myself from the mind's limitations, that I want to direct myself in self honesty as what is best for all in equality and oneness - but I simply cannot - thus, completing the enslavement, the entrapment of the mind - giving in to this endless spiral of accepted limitation, instead of standing up within this realization and not allowing this to go on, within seeing and realizing the self abuse that I am inflicting upon myself, and the deliberate disregard of what is going on within me and around me to continue within this self created game - just to get out of pushing, putting in the effort, working hard towards actually changing myself and living as an example of that which I want to believe that I care about.
I realize that believing that I care for equality and oneness as what is best for all is empty words, is a lie each time it is spoken, as long as I don't back it up with physical actions, with actual physical doing - thus, I realize that as long as I don't stop myself from participating in this pattern of self defeat, as long as I continue entertaining my mind within believing myself to be inadequate, as long as I don't push myself with all the force I have within me, to change, to walk, to write, to live, I cannot speak of what is best for all in equality and oneness, as I am not even living it as myself, I am not even pushing nor trying to live it as myself - thus, existing within inner conflict as the manifestation of separation, the opposite of that which I claim I am walking towards as equality and oneness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as this inner conflict where on the one hand I see the common sense in walking the principle of equality and oneness, I see the common sense in creating a system that is best for all, I see how I have been enslaved to the mind in limitation and fear, I see all this and want to put an end to it, and on the other hand, instead of standing up within myself, and pushing myself in the physical reality to actually get myself sorted out, I simply don't, I don't within the justification as a belief that I am inadequate, a belief of self doubt, of fear, while all these accepted beliefs are actually hiding my reluctance of getting my hands dirty, of doing some hard physical labor, as writing, as facing myself, as walking through the resistance breath by breath in seeing all that I have become, as doing what needs to be done to change myself, to correct myself, to move myself to become that which I want to become, and thus I hide from myself the actuality of myself as not caring enough about myself to actually push myself to do that which is in self honesty, in my best interest to do, and instead I do that which is actually self harming and abusive as allowing myself to diminish myself in self deception, as I exist in the belief of inadequacy while seeing my goals of bettering myself fade away.
I realize that only I can make the decision to change myself
I realize that only I can push myself to change myself
I realize that only I can change myself
I realize that once I allow myself to participate in my mind as thoughts / back chat it is already "too late" as I am already in the process of giving up, and thus, I realize that I must stop myself before it's "too late"
Within this, I realize that every moment is a new moment and thus, even though I have allowed it to be "too late" many times before, in each new moment I have the opportunity to stop myself and support myself in writing, self forgiveness, as practical application, every moment I can make the decision to stop participating in the deceptive self belief that I cannot, within realizing that in order to care about myself I must act in correlation of self care - "fake it until you make it" sort of thing, because I know within myself that I do care about myself yet I have programmed myself in such separation that I have lost contact with this self care, self love, self nurturing, self acceptance, and thus, I realize that as part of changing myself in the physical reality, I must ask myself "what would I do in this moment to support myself in practice of self care?" and to act on the self honest answer that I find within myself
I realize at first it will seem like I'm not aligned with myself, but it's true, I am not aligned with myself, how can I be if I have been abusing myself in self judgment and self belittlement for years
When and as I see myself drifting in thoughts of resistance, I stop myself and breathe, I realize I am standing at a point of decision and I ask myself what would I do if I were to care for myself enough to support myself, in order to give myself direction - and I follow my own direction.
When and as I see myself deliberately sabotaging myself as not doing that which would be most beneficial and supportive for me to do, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, I am my only existence, and if I don't care for myself and won't support myself no one will, I remind myself that all the love that I seek, and all the approval that I look for in others exist within myself if I only allow myself to give myself self care, self love, if I only allow myself to support myself.
I commit myself to be gentle with myself, to nurture myself into health so to speak, as up until now I have not been self supportive, I have been neglecting myself, I have been abusing myself - I commit myself to establish self care through writing and exposing myself to myself, as to, within and through the guilt and shame of not caring for myself, find my way back to myself as self care, self support and self love.
I commit myself, within realizing that equality and oneness must start with self first, that as long as I am not one and equal within and as myself, whereas self sabotage / abuse stems from separation and exists as inequality - I cannot expect to see equality and oneness anywhere externally - and thus I realize that I must live as an example that equality and oneness as what is best for all life is possible, because only through living the principle for and as myself can I be truly confidant that this change is possible, and as long as I don't live it as myself it exist only as an idea / belief, thus, to make it a reality, to birth life into equality and oneness I must live it as myself - this is my responsibility.
when and as i see myself going into the energetic experience of wanting to quite / give up within an experience of overwhelmingness where thoughts of inadequacy come up, i stop myself and breathe and direct myself to write at least one statement of self forgiveness as to support myself to get out of the funk, to return to myself here as the physical in writing, and to from there push myself to stand, to do something that is of self support, whether physical movement such as stretches, or writing, or simply sitting down and doing that which i have been avoiding – either way – whenever i see myself going into the state of resistance as self doubt / diminishment – i commit myself to do within breath, at least one physical action of self support and from there to push myself further, one breath at a time
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by a resistance towards writing, and thus, instead of making a decision to write and follow it through in the physical, I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted and lured away by this resistance, yet I haven't directed myself to investigate it, thus allowing this mystery force to take me over and direct me, and I have done nothing to take control and self direct myself back to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly / powerlessly / passively follow the experience of resistance towards writing, without investigating the specifics as to find myself within them, as what exactly am I resisting, why am I resisting, what do I not want to face, what do I fear facing, what point of responsibility am I avoiding? All these questions must be asked and answered by self - but instead I have allowed myself to be sucked into the heart of the storm, where the more I allow myself to get sucked in, the harder it is to come out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drift further and further from myself with every day I allow to go by without pushing myself to write - I realize, because I've seen this before, that when I allow myself to follow the resistance and be directed by it, and allow myself to not write and not support myself through writing, what happens is that I become weaker and weaker with every moment of such allowance - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within the principle of "prevention s the best cure" and in the first moment of seeing me going back into the pattern and excuses of not writing, to stop myself and push myself to write, write anything, just to get out of the possession of resisting writing, to support myself through self discipline within understanding the consequences of not writing is that I become weaker within myself, as the mind possession becomes stronger and stronger, and I experience it as I become more emotional, more reactive, and less stable - where as when I write daily, and face myself daily, and push myself daily, I experience myself more stable, and more aware of my reactions / emotions and within this awareness, I am less moved by them, more directive - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of the value support of self writing due to identifying with the resistance, even though in common sense I realize that the resistance isn't me, because it doesn't not serve me as life
When and as I see myself resisting writing, as I see that I am not standing in my self agreement to write daily, I breathe and investigate the resistance through writing, as I have done here, within this I let go the point I am resisting but rather allow myself to let go the resistance as to support myself initially in getting back to writing and facing myself, and then, once I've started writing I can go back to the initial point that I have been avoiding and investigate that as well.
When and as I see myself resisting writing, through practically not applying myself in writing, I realize I must push myself to write because I have seen the support writing gives me and on the other hand, I've seen the self destructiveness of not giving myself the support of writing - I realize it is a slippery slope and I must support myself from sliding down there, I thus, commit myself support myself in writing, within realizing that I can either support myself or sabotage myself - there is no middle way, and nobody is doing it for / to me - it is all my doing for better or worse - thus, in order to build self trust, I must be consistent in supporting myself, like with taking care of an animal or child, one must be consistent with ones support, one cannot feed the child / animal irregularly, and if one does the child / animal will not trust them, as they have neglected them in the very basics of their necessities - thus, I must treat myself as I would a helpless child / animal - as I am helpless to the mind's control, unless I take self responsibility and stand up for myself - thus, in order for me to trust myself I must support myself consistently, and care for myself consistently, where as at the moment I have found that writing these points out, clearing them out through writing, applying self forgiveness and finding practical solutions as self corrective statements is the support / nutrition I require, thus, I must give myself this support, or else how will I ever trust myself, and further more, how can I ever be trusted with life if I can't even support / care for myself effectively?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within participating in the resistance towards writing, to go into a physical uncomfortable experience and use it as a physical excuse as to not write, not realizing that the physical uncomfortablility is the result, as an outflow, of my participation in the resistance, where I have used it to justify not writing as if it was the cause, thus manipulating myself and deceiving myself, instead of supporting myself and my physical body through realizing this construct and pushing through it as to not let it direct me and not allow myself to manipulate myself - within this I realize that my physical body is supporting me to self realize, and thus, when I am feeling physically uncomfortable it is my body's indication to me that I have gone too far with mind participation and I must stop now, thus, when experiencing physical discomfort I stop myself in the moment and breathe, I utilize the four count breath to support myself into stability, within investigating the "why" and "how" of my participation in the mind, thus, when experiencing physical discomfort, instead of using it as an excuse, I use it as self support, as a physical cross reference to understanding what I am participating with, I write myself out as to define the experience in words, as to understand myself better, as to draw a map of myself to better understand the construct / program that I am going into, and within understanding I can stand up and step out of it.
I realize what I'm writing is guidelines, and will not be transcended in one moment, but will take many times of practicing these points, pushing myself to walk these points, thus, realizing this is a process of space / time, this means that it will take physical corrective application in the physical, thus space, and accumulation of corrective application in time, for me to transcend these points - thus, I realize that there is no point in going into experiencing overwhelmingness, and simply walk with self dedication - I realize that if I don't dedicate myself to myself, in self support, I am leaving myself abandonment, because no one else can support me but myself, no one else can dedicate themselves to me, but myself - I realize it's only up to me to support myself to free myself from the abusive enslavement of the mind, to change and become a being of self respect, self honor, and within this, to be able to respect and honor all life as myself
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Thursday, February 7, 2013
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog Day 155 - Desperation - How will the world ever change?, where I express my desperation towards the condition of the world and blame others for creating it, while not taking responsibility and realizing my part in creating the world as it is - in the following blogs I will be walking in self forgiveness the points that had opened up through writing the previous blog, as my first step of actually taking self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept unquestionably the information I receive through the main stream media and from social conversations / gossip / arguments, instead of allowing myself to investigate the points through cross referencing with other forms of media to allow myself to become aware and see the entire picture as what is actually going on in the world around me, and thus, to take responsibility for myself within and as the world / reality I live in and to within that take responsibility for the world as myself, instead of blindly placing my trust in the media to present accurate and unbiased informational facts, and in the governments to work within the best interest of the people as humanity and the world as one, and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to actually know what is going on around me in the world / country I live in, and within that to abdicate my responsibility to act on it, thus, stepping back and away from my responsibility of fully participating in life, as my responsibility of being an informed, active and contributing human being, as a citizen of the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a bubble, where I do not listen to the news as to not hear about the problems that are going on around me, from a starting point of "it doesn't concern me, I don't really care" and thus, to allow myself to deliberately exist in ignorance as I ignore what is going on all around me, as a reflection of that which I am allowing to go on within myself and am ignoring and suppressing myself just as I am ignoring and suppressing the problems of the world in order to continue one more day to exist in my bubble of comfort , as I pretend that what doesn't effect me directly or that I don't know - doesn't concern me, while in fact, by deliberately not informing myself I am placing my vote for anything to go on as it is, as if saying everything is cool the way it is, while knowing in self honesty that it is far from ok, both within myself and without as the world system, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore in ignorance all the abuse and suffering because I believe it doesn't concern me because I have created a comfortable life for myself, and myself alone, within existing in the bubble of illusions separate from what is really here as the physical reality, and within it I don't want to inconvenience myself with the problems of others, as well as my own inner problems, thus , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a bubble isolated from the world as the physical reality that is shared by all equally and is created by all equally and thus is the responsibility of all equally, as well as existing in isolation from myself in suppression, not wanting to face the nastiness of myself just as I don't want to face the nastiness of the world, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as "ignorance is bliss", when in fact, in self honesty I know that there is nothing blissful about the physical reality as it currently exists as, which I have allowed in my silence, as well as there is nothing blissful about my self experience, beyond and beneath the act of comfortability.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I'm not part of the solution I am part of the problem within giving my permission in my self interest silence, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow atrocities to exist as I give them permission by not standing up to stop them in the justification that "I am not aware / capable / knowledgeable enough to do anything about it anyway and thus let me let others that are more qualified than me to take care of this world, while I sit in my comfortable life in ignorance", within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by giving my permission to atrocities to continue undisturbed, I am responsible for them, and from that perspective they do indeed concern me, they concern me from a perspective that within self honesty I know that I am allowing and accepting them to continue, within self honesty I know I much more capable and able to do something, speak up, writing a blog, and thus, within self honesty I know as I am doing nothing, that I am doing it within self interest, and thus, within self honesty I know the shame I am to experience when I allow myself to ask myself why did I do nothing? Why did I allow this? Why did I abdicate my responsibility and chose the easy / self interest way out through deliberate ignorance?
Thus, I realize that when abuse is taking place I can either stand equal to the abuse in self interest, or I can stand equal to life - where standing equal to the abuse can take the form of deliberate participation or deliberate ignorance as both allow the abuse to continue undisturbed, where as standing up equal to and as life, in standing up for life, I would take all measures necessary to expose and stop the abuse, to change the system so that such abuse will no longer be seen as accepted or justified, and to change myself into the living expression of life, as oneness and equality, in being a living example as living within and as the principle of what is best for all life, thus, not allowing myself to hide from the news in deliberate ignorance, but to inform myself, to educate myself, to take responsibility for myself, to no longer see myself as less than the world events but realize that I am in fact one and equal to all that is happening in the world, and in every breath I have a choice if to live this breath accumulating myself as deliberate ignorance as I ignore the abusive nature of this reality, or I can chose to accumulate myself as a responsible being that is working towards a solution, both within myself and without as the world system as a whole.
When and as I see myself go into an experience of resistance towards reading the news, within experiencing myself as not interested / bored / don't care / couldn't be bothered / "I have better and more important things to do" / "I don't know anything about politics I will not understand" - or any other excuse and justification to not take the time to inform myself of what is happening in the world around me - I stop myself and breathe - I realize that I must inform myself as to what is happening in the world around me which I am a part of and equal to, and responsible for whether I am aware of what is going on or not, through deliberately allowing myself to live in a bubble of ignorance, thus, I commit myself to become informed with world events, through reading daily news articles from different sources, I commit myself to educate myself through reading, investigating and cross referencing points of knowledge as to have a wide and unbiased perspective which will then allow me to be able to work towards solutions, within realizing that I must open my eyes and ears in order to know what is actually physically here as the problems of this world, in order to assist in finding practical and livable solutions that can be implemented in the physical reality as to assist humanity as myself to walk a process of correction from the abusive nature we exist as into a corrected, improved and perfected nature of self support, as an expression of "love thy neighbor", as living and expressing in every moment the principle of what is best for all life equally.
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Wednesday, January 23, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when seeing who won the election, because he doesn't stand for what I stand for, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that everything around me is reflecting myself back at me and giving me an opportunity to see myself in self honesty - thus I realize through this that it's not about what I stand for as an idea and ideology, but rather what I stand as, it's about actually living the change as myself, living the principles is stand for as a living expression of and as myself, and thus, within realizing this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind as the emotions of frustration, as within frustration I express myself more sharply and aggressively and thus, through allowing myself to participate within and as the mind I am not living that which is stand for, as the principle of equality in supporting all life equally as what is best for all, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind, instead of directing myself in every moment as the living expression of that which I stand for, within standing as it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that as I stand for an idea and ideology I am existing within and as separation, which contradicts that which I claim to stand for, thus, I realize that to be equal and one within and as myself I must let go all ideas and ideologies as standing for them in separation, and committing myself to live them as living words and align myself to stand as them, as the self expression of and as myself in every moment, within this I realize that allowing the emotions of frustration / anger / powerlessness to exist within me and thus to direct me is not in alignment with the principle of living one and equal with the principle of what is best for all, because as I allow myself to participate with and exist within emotions and feelings I am separating myself from myself as not being the directive principle of and as myself, as well as I am harming myself as my physical body by allowing these energies to exist within me as they derive their power from consuming the physical (where else will they resource their energy from?) thus, when and as I see myself going into emotions and feelings based on fighting for my ideology I stop myself and breathe, I realize that going into emotions and feelings contradict that which I stand for, thus, I commit myself to dedicate myself to becoming the living expression of equality and oneness as what is best for all, within realizing that I first must become one and equal within and as myself, thus, I commit myself to breathe, and stop my participation within and as the mind.
When and as I see myself going into the mind in emotions, feelings, thoughts, imaginations, ideas, ideologies, I stop myself and breathe, I say NO! within myself, within assertiveness and steadfastness, as being discipline with a child, within this I realize that there are no magic tricks, and this process will take time and self discipline, thus I commit myself to walk this process within realizing it is a process, thus walking it within discipline yet softness, as to not be hard on myself as self judgment, but rather to support myself in becoming assertive and discipline
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect the politicians to be able to change and correct the abuse / suffering / atrocities that have been going on in our country / world, within this I see that I have not realized that politicians are ordinary people, that like myself and all others, they too are still motivated and directed by their minds, and thus, no matter what they say or present as their agenda and goals, "who they are" is based in self interest as fear and greed, and thus, they cannot be trusted, within this I realize that my expectation of politicians to bring about a change is ludicrous because they can only create that which they are, and thus, as long as they are of the mind, as we all still are, they cannot create a world that is best for all - within this I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that within expecting politicians to fix / save the world / country I have been abdicating my own self responsibility as if to say "they will do it, so I don't have to do it myself", not seeing that within this I am disempowering myself, and allowing myself too to be directed by fear, instead of allowing myself to see reality as it is, and to realize that the only change I can expect to see will be the change that I bring about as myself, as I stand as self change, as I stand as equality, as I take responsibility within realizing what needs to be done and doing it
When and as I see myself going into the pattern of expecting others to do / save / fix /change instead of standing up myself, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here and look at what can I do here, within my radios of influence, what solution can I bring about here, and thus I commit myself to walk myself as self change solution after solution as I grow and expand my radios of influence, as I start with myself as changing and correcting myself and within learning through personal experience about change and correction I can then support others in which ever form I see fit in the moment, I realize that trying to fix the world today is impossible and only creates overwhelmingness within myself, and a separation between me and the world "out there" which I cannot change, thus, within realizing that all is reflecting me back to myself as support, every and any problem I see out there, I commit myself to find it within myself and change / correct myself in alignment with equality and oneness as living the example of the principle of what is best for all life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and hope that changing the government will create a worthy change in the country / world while not realizing that by hoping that they, as the government, will bring about a worthy change, I am abdicating my self responsibility and giving away my power to others, thus not living in dedication towards self change within the understanding that only through self change can any change come about, thus through my participation in hope I am living self as powerlessness instead of standing as myself and reclaiming my power through walking the process of self change through the tools of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements into a living application of the correction as the living expression of what is best for all life in equality and oneness, and thus, when and as I see myself going into hope that others fix / change the world, I stop myself and breathe, I see what I can practically do as a living solution here within my immediate life, and I commit myself to walk the solution
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated at the results of the election within realizing that no matter who is chosen, they are all the same as no one actually have a practical solution that take into consideration all as equals, they are all trying to fix one problem by creating another with the basic motivation of being elected more than actually caring for the interest of the people, within this I realize that by allowing myself to become frustrated I am stating to myself that I am powerless, that I am dependent on them to fix / change anything, I have given my power away for them to use as I give them my vote in hope they know what to do and do it, but they are abusing the power I have given them with greed, manipulation, corruption, thus I realize that I have been giving my power away instead of reclaiming my power and living within breath in every moment, to build self trust, to birth myself as the stability of life, to be able to slowly but surly within the stability of breath actually make a living change - firstly in my own life, then in the lives of those around me through being the living example that self change is possible, then to create a change in the system, as the equal money capitalism, working together within the power of the group, as dedicated individuals committed to life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience and participate with the experience of powerlessness in regards to the condition of the country / world, where I believe the politicians will not make any difference and we are doomed as humanity because no one is standing up within a practical common sense solution, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in powerlessness instead of dedicating myself to life, as to stand up within and as myself and change myself as how I want the world around me to change, within realizing that no one else but me can do this, and as long as I hope that someone else will do it I am not taking self responsibility and doing all that I can do, thus I realize that as long as I am spending my time thinking about what others should do but are not doing I am not at that moment doing all that I can to be the living change.
within the principle of as within so without - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away instead of standing as the power that is me, and re building myself in every breath, empowering myself to step out of the mind, that is based in self interest and thus realizing that my participation within the mind within is the same construct of all that is evil in the world because everything within my mind is driven by self interest and complete disregard of life as is the world system
I commit myself to dedicate myself to stopping my participation with the mind, I commit myself to investigating the back chat / thoughts/ emotions / feelings that come up within me and that I have allowed to direct me, within not realizing that every moment I allow myself to be directed by the mind I am giving myself as my beingness away - I have a responsibility for myself to reclaim myself as life and rebuild / regenerate myself as the beingness as who I am, I realize that to do so I must stop all participation within the mind, and return here to the physical as breath.
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Sunday, January 20, 2013
this is continuing my previous blog
Day 143 - Inadequacy
When I was a kid I went to a high level gymnastics class, I wasn't a professional gymnast but it was geared towards competition, I remember it being very demanding - I enjoyed the physicality within it, but the teachers were harsh, they wanted to make competitors out of us, so they really pushed for excellence, I was corrected a lot and pushed to always be better, work harder and run faster… looking at it now, I think that's where I developed my resistance towards running cause they kept telling me I don't run good enough, they said I run as if I'm running on egg shells, trying not to brake them, instead of giving it all that I have and really going for it before making the jumps.
Another point that I connect to that class is my relationship to my body - I was rather big compared to other girls my age, not fat but not a skinny kid, which gave me the advantage of strength, but I didn't see that at the time - there were two other girls with a very skinny body structure and were very good gymnasts, and I would compare myself to them, I always felt big/fat in comparison to them, in my perspective they were on a whole different level than me, like there wasn't even any competition because they were so good, so much better than me, I felt clumsy and inadequate, like I don't belong, like my being there, at their lever, must have been a mistake. I looked at them exercising with amazement, and then compared myself to them as being less than them by far... Obviously I didn't consider how long they have been practicing, I just compared myself to them and judged myself as inadequate.
I stopped going there after a few years when they were talking to me about competing, there was no chance I would do it, the thought of competing at that level was terrifying to me, I knew within myself that I wouldn't be good enough and didn’t want to try, why would I try if I knew I was inadequate and would most definitely fail. I left and then went to exercise at another gymnastic class but it wasn't as good, not as challenging, it was just for fun which was cool, but it was a down grade in a way, after that I quit gymnastics all together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an experience of being inadequate, based on comparing myself to others that I perceive to be better than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the energetic charge of the memory of feeling inadequate as a child gymnast, and carry with me the feeling of inadequacy into other aspects of my life - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of this experience to influence me through out my life as I have allowed this memory to be another brick on the wall of myself, as another layer of defining myself as inadequate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inadequate based on the teachers telling me I don't run good enough and within that to go into inferiority and frustration because "this is how I run" not giving myself the opportunity to learn, improve and expand within realizing that I might not know how to run effectively at the moment, but through practice and integrating the tips from the teachers I can improve my running as any other skill, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and understand the natural process of learning a skill where at first you are a beginner and thus you will make mistakes and be corrected in order to learn and improve yourself through practice, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of embracing the corrections and perfecting myself, I have gone into an experience of inferiority and thus believing myself to be inadequate
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the effort others have out in, in order to perfect themselves in regards to a specific skill, such as running, and thus, without seeing the effort and time they have put into it, I compared myself to them and came to a conclusion that I must be inadequate because they are so much better
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to the two girls in my gymnastics class and to judge myself as less than them, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing comparison and self judgment to direct me to a point of giving up because I had already judged myself as a failure due to the comparison, though I haven't allowed myself to see the physical reality as the learning curve one must walk to improve themselves in any skill, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rob myself from the opportunity to improve and perfect myself within gymnastics because I allowed myself to go into an experience of inadequacy and within believing myself to be inadequate I gave up on even trying and just accepted my limitations
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inadequate and as such I have not allowed myself to push myself to improve, expand and perfect myself within the skill of gymnastics, as within believing myself to be inadequate I have already given up on myself, and thus accepted myself within limitations,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my own limitation, as the point where effort is involved, a point where I would need to push myself in order to improve and expand in, a point where I judge myself as less than other in comparison to them, not allowing myself to see the effort they had put in, in order to get to that point, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that I am limited while not realizing that I have created my own self limitation through believing myself to be inadequate in comparing myself to others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as who I am in comparison to how I perceived others to be, instead of realizing that I can never actually compare myself to another because I never can actually know what they have done, how they have walked, what is their starting point, what is going on in their mind, how much they have worked for what they have, what they have done to achieve it, how they experience themselves and so on, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a one dimensional image in my mind, that is supposed to represent the being I am comparing myself to, and through looking at that image I compare myself to aspects within the image, not realizing that an image is but a very narrow and partial part of reality and thus doesn't actually represent reality - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to an illusion, and within doing so, to judge myself as less than the illusion, thus putting myself down and as a result giving up within an experience of inadequacy, not realizing that I was very much adequate and capable but have sabotaged myself through comparison and accepted self limitation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect effort with inadequacy within a created belief that if I am able to do something is should be able to do it with ease, thus not realizing the reality in which we live in, where as appose to the mind where everything is magical and easy, as you can imagine yourself to be and do whatever you like in a moment and with no effort involved, in reality it simply isn't so, as the physical reality as a space time existence requires a step by step movement, thus to get anything done, to acquire a skill and to perfect it, it all takes time, effort, practice, dedication and consistency, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the laws of the physical reality and thus to judge myself within the belief that if effort is required it indicates I am inadequate, and thus have not given myself the opportunity to improve, expand and perfect myself in any skills
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fool myself in believing that having to put in effort indicates I am inadequate, within allowing myself to question this assumption, as this assumption really made an ass of me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the manipulation within this belief as it is much more convenient to not have to put the effort and move through life in ease, thus I have used the self belief of being inadequate as a justification for giving up and thus not having to put any effort in, though I haven’t realized the price I would pay through creating myself as the character of inadequacy, and I didn't realize the destructive consequences it would have on my life, as I have participated in creating myself as weak, powerless and limited, instead of walking through the points of effort and empowering myself to stand as life and walk through any obstacle fearlessly within the realization that I can do anything if I walk the practical physical steps towards it
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Wednesday, January 16, 2013
this blog is continuing my previous blogs:
Day 139 - The grass is always greener on the other side
Day 140 - the grass is always greener in someone else's conversation
When and as I see myself going into the experience of missing out on something out there, I stop myself and breathe, and within breath I look at what is here, what I have allowed myself to actually miss out on through the quest of finding something better, I stop myself and breathe and look at what is here that I have overlooked and have been taking for granted.
I commit myself to ground myself back here, within and as my physical body, in breath, to stop the mind as the thoughts of missing out, as I realize that only through allowing and participating with the thoughts do I end up experiencing the missing out experience, and without the thoughts there would be no such experience. I commit myself to breathe until the experience of missing out is no longer in control of me and I trust myself that I am stable here, I commit myself to push through the temptation to follow the thoughts and justification as to why I am missing out, within believing what comes up within me as the mind, but I realize that all that is coming up is not self directed and thus is not me, I am allowing it to exist within me, and once I see the destructive nature of it, as I do, there is no point or reason to continue entertaining such thoughts, allowing them would be self abuse - thus, I commit myself to stop them as I see them come up, and focus on my physical body within breath, as self support.
I realize that when I'm engaged in a conversation with someone but am only half into it because I am searching around for a better conversation, I am sabotaging the conversation I am in within disregarding the being sitting in front of me, within this I realize that through not being here with the being in the totality of me, I am not treating them as I would like to be treated, within this I am not aware of the consequences this will have as I am ignoring the other being and actually do not care for them at that moment because I am only focused on my self interest as to get the best for myself, thus, within the principle of "do onto another that which you would like them to do onto you" I commit myself , when seeing myself fading out of a conversation and going into search of a better one, to stop myself and breathe, and return here to myself and the conversation I am in, and to give my total attention to the being I am with - I realize that I have been diminishing the being I am with, and thus participating in superiority, as if they are not good enough for me, I realize that by doing so I am robbing myself the opportunity of learning from the being I am with, and expanding within / as myself in the conversation I am in - within this I realize that I have not allowed myself to be the self directive principle of/as myself, but have allowed myself to be directed by the mind in self interest, thus, within the principle of "what is best for all" I commit myself to treat all as I would like to be treated, to respect all as I would like to be respected, and thus, to establish self dignity and self respect through giving dignity and respect to all as equals as myself.
I realize this construct of believing I am missing out and experience of discontent from the conversation I am in, is a reflection of my won self discontent, thus, I realize that when I am not here but rather focusing my attention on looking for something better out there, I am actually showing myself that I am not here with myself because I have created and placed myself as inferior to the idea I have about what is out there, I realize that as long as I don't build self value, I will always look for something better out there instead of realizing that I must learn to value and care for myself, and once I do I will no longer search out there because I will have found myself, thus, I commit myself to walk the process of writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements on points that I see that I am not aligned with myself, as points of self judgment as discontent, I commit myself to walk the process of equality as to become one and equal within and as myself, and in turn one and equal to all that is here, within this I realize that the first step is to stop my participation with the mind as it has proven time after time to be driven by self interest and does not consider myself as life, and anyone else, thus, I realize my participation with the mind is the core source of my self-rejection, and only through stopping my participation with thoughts, beliefs, emotions, feelings will I find myself, the "who I am" behind the veil of lies I have been living as.
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