Day 205 - Questions and hidden agenda

I hate it when people ask me questions and I can see / hear the undertone that they are actually questioning me, as they are not asking from a naïve starting point, but it's like they have something to say, but they won't just go ahead and say it, so they are asking questions that lean to what they really want to say.

 

I had that happen today, and clearly I reacted...

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to someone asking me a question within creating an idea / belief that they have a secret agenda

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when believing someone has a secret agenda while asking me a question, to not allow myself to listen unconditionally but instead I react and resist what is being said

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for asking me questions within secret agendas instead of looking at my reaction and taking the opportunity to investigate myself and understand why am I allowing this to be a trigger point for a reaction such as anger

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the way the person is asking the question and whether they have secret motives or not, is no excuse or justification for me to react and "loose my cool", and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for their expression instead of taking it back to self and investigating myself within my accepted reaction.

 

I realize that my reaction towards someone asking me a question with a secret agenda indicated that I do it as well, and as I am sitting here typing this blog, I found myself doing it, asking a question in order to "get to something" it was very subtle - I realize that this isn't a point of right / wrong, because in some occasions it may be valid to direct the conversation in such a way, I realize it always has to do with the starting point - am I hiding something in fear as I tipi tow around a point instead of speaking clearly and directly, or am I doing so within directing the situation within consideration of all that are involved?

 

And so, I realize that when others do it, I cannot judge them because I don't know their starting point, all I can now see is my reaction to the situation - where in today's situation I saw that when they asked me the question and I reacted, it showed me that I wasn't clear on the point, and so I felt attacked and pressured - showing me that instead of walking in humbleness I am walking in pride and ego

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for questioning me within a hidden agenda within defining it as wrong and manipulative, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it's not about right or wrong but about the starting point of myself within the situation

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions instead of speaking directly within the starting point of fear of conflict, within tip towing around the other person

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that when others tip tow around me as they ask me questions, instead of getting angry with them in blame I can look at myself and consider my reactions

 

It's interesting how it is all connected, because the one asking me in fear, and tipi towing around the point instead of speaking directly does so in fear of my reaction, and all along that approach is what triggers my reaction… and from the other side, I react to how they are asking me so I answer with anger and impatient and blame them for how they do things, while all along giving them the justification for their initial tip tow as they see they were right to fear me because look at how I react, and so the loop continues…

 

Within this I also realize that since it is a loop I have an opportunity to stop my participation in it at every moment, and so, the only reason this loop continues is because I have continued to participate with it, while blaming the others in my mind that it's their fault and their expression that caused the problem to begin with.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own reactions and instead have accepted and allowed myself to hide in blame and thus to perpetuate the problem as the conflict and energetic reaction within myself and the other.

 

I'll continue with this point tomorrow

Day 102 - What is REAL - Part 3 - Self Realizations

this is a continuation of my previous blog:

Day 100 - What is REAL

Day 101 - What is REAL - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness

I realize that all that I exist as, as the mind, is an illusion - not only an illusion, but an abusive one, an illusion that is directly abusing myself through creating conflict and friction, creating an unstable experience of ups and downs, that then, as an outflow I allow it to directs me to abuse others to have a sense of control and stability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind, as allowing myself to experience ups and downs and then to try and have a sense of control through playing power games with those around me, trying to win, through any means necessary including the allowance of direct and indirect abuse

I realize that I have allowed the mind to play tricks on me, as I allow myself to experience blame or resentment towards someone in my environment, and I believe it to be so, I believe the blame and resentment to be valid, when in fact there are always many layers beneath it, that I am not allowing myself to see through my acceptance and participation with the mind's illusion. When and as I see myself going into the mind, as a reaction towards another in my environment, as blame and resentment, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that this is an opportunity to stop my participation with the mind, it's an opportunity to see/find/face another layer within myself that I have been hiding from myself through/within my acceptance of the blame / resentment, thus, I direct myself to see the reaction as a gift and not judge myself for it but rather allow myself to look within self honesty and find the point that is revealing itself, right beneath the surface, if I would only be willing to see it. Within this I realize that the reaction I am experiencing towards another is actually a point of self support, if I allow myself to take it as such, if I allow myself to investigate myself within self honesty, thus, I commit myself, when and as I react to another, to ask myself, and allow myself to see what am I showing myself, what have I been resisting changing through not allowing myself to see, what have I been trying to hold onto? Within this I realize that the mind is creating distractions for me to not have to face myself, and within my participation I am allowing it to continue doing so, as an agreement I have made with my mind, allowing it to distract me from seeing points I don't want to see, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself, to prefer living in an illusion, to continue existing in fear, instead of allowing myself to face myself within realizing that it is all within myself, it is me, there is nothing to fear, it is not something separate that can hurt me, it is me, thus I commit myself to apply self honesty, and will myself to face myself, because I realize only through allowing myself to face myself will I be able to stop being directed by the mind, and start directing myself as actual self support, and from there to change myself and become a human being that can be trusted

I realize that I have accepted these illusions because I have not been self honest with myself, thus I have allowed myself to hide the actuality of myself within separation of myself, doing so within self interest, as I prefer existing as a lie that makes me look good and justifies myself rather than facing the truth, as the actual reality of who I am, which would imply taking responsibility for my experience/behavior/reaction and all that I participate with and exist as. Thus, I realize that I have been deliberate in my acceptance of the mind, as a preference not to see/face myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from myself deliberately through my acceptance and participation within/as the mind, I commit myself to stop this, I commit myself push through the resistance and take self responsibility through first of all seeing/facing who I am, and within self forgiveness to start letting go of the constructs of myself

I realize that I have been existing as the mind without ever questioning it, I realize I have allowed myself to play dumb and hope that those that taught me all that I know, knew what they were talking about, and thus not seeing myself as responsible because I blindly trusted others, instead of using common sense, within seeing reality for hat it is, and within the directive of creating a world that is worth living in for all as the only accepted possibility for existence, I forgive myself for accepting reality as it is and thus have compromised myself, my children and all of life, instead of expanding myself and allowing myself to see that we create the world through our acceptance and allowance, and if the world is unacceptable it's because we are allowing it to continue as it is, and that only we/I can change it through allowing myself to step out of the mind, that has created this mess, and take responsibility and direct myself to create myself as trust worthy, and in turn a world that is life worthy for all

I commit myself to investigate the desteni material, to understand the design of the mind, so that I can stop taking all of it personally within guilt and shame and can start changing my relationship to it, I realize the value of understanding what I am dealing, and I realize it's my responsibility to self educate myself as to how it works, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself excuses as to why not investigate the material, I realize that it will take dedication and perseverance, and that even though I have never done it before, I know it's up to me to do it now, thus I commit myself to dedicate myself to understanding how the mind works through listening to the information provided by desteni, and to apply the information daily into myself within investigating myself as to not allow it to become another idea/perspective/interpretation/belief, but to see/investigate for myself, within my life, within my patterns, and to prove to myself it's validity

I realize that by participating within/as the mind as thoughts / feelings / emotions / reaction, I am only considering myself and disregarding all of existence and all living beings within it, within this I realize that I have been justifying myself within self interest because from the perspective of the mind, only I exist, only I count, only I need to be considered, thus, I haven't allowed myself to care about anything but myself, I have been existing in isolation for everything and everyone through existing in/as the mind - I realize that this world would be a great place if we all stop living in isolation, and within this I realize that my personal experience would be way cooler if I stop allowing myself to be enslaved to the mind in isolation, and start living as one with all life that is here, considering all that is here, caring for all that is here, and actually caring for myself.

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Day 94 - Fear Dimension - Part 15 - Fear of losing MySelf – Definitions - Corrective Statements

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Day 79 - The lowest point

Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension  - Mistakes – Part 1

Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2

Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3

Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4

Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5

Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6

Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness

Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8

Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment

Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10

Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness

Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf

Day 92 - Fear Dimension - Part 13 - Fear of Losing MySelf - Self forgiveness

Day 93 - Fear Dimension - Part 14 - Fear of losing MySelf - Corrective Statements

I realize that when I react to being corrected or told what to do, I am allowing myself to exist in fear as protection / defense of the definition of reality as I know it to be and within that my self definition within this I realize that as I participate within/as the reaction I am not allowing myself to expand / change / grow and thus limit myself to remain as I am, stuck I the mind, separated from myself and the physical reality as a whole, thus, when and as I see myself go into an energetic reaction to being told what to do or being corrected, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to be here and hear unconditionally what is being said, as the physical words that are being spoken, and direct myself to correct myself through utilizing common sense within learning from what is being said to me so that I can expand and perfect myself in my application

I realize that any self definition is based on the past within my interpretation of events within my understanding of how I require to be to survive, thus creating myself as a one dimensional definition that is stuck in time and completely separated from what is here in the moment as life, within this I realize that through letting go the self definition I created myself as and the definitions I have of reality I can expand myself and grow and allow myself to exist as a dynamic, ever changing, not limited, human being, as one and equal with what is here in the moment, thus, when and as I see myself holding on to any definition I have of myself or reality as I know it, I stop myself and breathe, I realize these definitions are limiting me and blinding me from what is actually here within/as the physical reality, thus, I allow myself to be open to what is here, allow myself to hear unconditionally more perspectives within realizing that through hearing and learning from others as myself I will equalize myself, one point at a time, to everything that exists, and through that will be able to see clearly what is here as the physical reality not blinded by my narrow view of myself and the world through accepting the limitations of my mind

I realize that life cannot be defined by a limited static definition, thus, when and as I see myself holding on to definitions I stop myself and breathe, I realize all definitions are a lie as they are not aligned with the actual physical reality as life, but are based in opinion / beliefs and only a partial view of the total picture as our science / research / philosophy still doesn't have/see the entire pictures and the proof of that is the condition of our world, thus, when and as I see myself holding on to any definition I allow myself to let it go, and to redefine/change my view to support life as what is best for all within letting go the self interest I have allowed to direct me and become the living directive principle of/as myself, within realizing that the only principle that has value is the principle of life as equality and oneness to bring about a world that is best for all in all ways

I realize that I have been holding on to a positive definition of myself and a positive outlook on the world/reality, which in essence means that I have allowed myself to be blinded to the actual brutality that exist in this world, within this I realize that my positive out look has been self created in self interest as a coping/survival mechanism to keep my head in the sand while I live a comfortable life in my own positive bubble while ignoring the atrocities that are happening all around me, within this I realize that I can afford to have a positive outlook and self definition because I was born on the wealthy side of the world and thus I realize that money is what's been enabling me to have a comfortable life, within this I realize that money/greed/profit has been the cause to all the abuse in the world, thus I realize that my positive outlook/definition of the world and myself have been a cover up, blinding me to the reality of myself as participating and thus creating the atrocities that are going on, thus I realize that only through seeing reality for what it is can I ever be self honest and change who I am to support myself and others as myself, and only through actually seeing the reality as it is can any change come about, thus, when and as I see myself going into a positive outlook, I stop and breathe, I allow myself to look at reality through a clear lens and not one that is tainted with positivity as I have realized that this positivity that I experience on my side is causing massive harm, suffering and abuse on the other side

I realize that only through allowing myself to face myself as the actuality of myself within allowing myself to face the deepest, darkest, most hidden parts of myself, without judgment through self forgiveness, will I be able to understand how/what/why I am the way I am and do the things I do, and find out what I have been allowing to direct me within the deepest motives of myself, only then will I be able to change myself within self trust, as I know how/what/why I do what I do and am what I am and thus be able to will myself to change as what is best for all, thus, when and as I see myself believing myself to be positive and resist the negative, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, brutal, evil reality we have created as a reflection of ourselves, and will myself to investigate all aspects of me, until I am certain that I have seen the truth of me and can trust myself to never again allow myself to act/be directed from within self interest, and instead to become a living example that in every breath in every moment practice equality from within and without

I realize positivity is only but one side of the polarity, and thus cannot exist without the negative side, as the hidden side acting in silence as the back force, that is actually the motivator as fear, within the hidden mind, thus, when and as I see myself going into positivity, I stop myself and breathe, I realize I am manipulating myself and hiding from myself my true hidden, dark motives, I thus, allow myself to stop, and investigate myself until I am satisfied I have seen myself for who I really am, and can through realizing/facing/seeing myself, to change myself within the stability of breath, no energy, no reaction, no fear, just me, here, breathing, living the expression of myself as the stability of breath, here

I realize that my reaction to changing the definition of the word "frequency" is indicating to me that I have attached a value to this word, as it represents an entire construct/character within/as myself, thus, when and as I see myself reacting to a specific word, I stop myself and breathe, I investigate the word and what it represents to me, and through self forgiveness free myself from the enslavement I have accepted through/as the definition of this word, and allow myself to let go the attachment as I realize that it is based in polarity as what I believe to be right/wrong, within self interest as the mind and thus disregards all life as equal within the desire to be right
When and as I see myself holding on to a definition as what I believe to be right, I stop myself and breathe, I investigate the definition in all it's dimension, I check to see that it stands for life, and if it doesn't I remove it because anything that doesn't stand for life is not valid because anything that doesn't stand for life is in fact an active part in the consumption of life, and thus is part of that which creates all that is abusive / evil / brutal in this world, I realize there isn't a gray area, anything is either of support of life or an abuser of life, there is no middle ground

I realize that anything that can be lost is perceived so within separation, thus, when and as I see myself within the fear of loss, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that all is one and that separation is a mind created illusion to keep us enslaved to the mind as it mines the physical to create energy as we participate within/as separation through creating conflict as the desire to prove myself right within holding on to a definition, thus, when and as I see myself holding on to a definition within separation I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that it is but an illusion and I will myself to return here, to my physical body, to my breathing, as an anchor to what is real, I breathe and stop participation within the argument of definitions because I realize I am through participating within this energy creation I am digging my grave deeper, and within that creating consequences for myself and the world as myself, thus I just stop and breathe the energy back to the ground, until I am certain I am clear and standing stable, here, as myself, as life

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Day 79 - The lowest point

I've noticed that I've been reacting to being told what to do, as well as to being corrected, and as an outflow of the reaction I've become spiteful and resentful towards the people that have been telling me what to do and correcting me. I've been trying to breathe through the reaction and to bring myself back to the physical as breath, to support myself through breath in not going into my mind and stopping the back chat, but I have fallen over and over - I have allowed myself to become possessed within the reaction and the experience is that I just cannot stop myself, when within the reaction possession - my mind is racing with back chat and the energy is rushing through my body, I haven't been able to actually stop myself, and be here.

As I'm being told what to do or as I'm being corrected I tend to tense up and immediately go into defense mode, giving excuses to what I had done within manipulation, lying about what I'd done to make it look like it's someone else's mistake/fault as if to try and get out of trouble, trying to manipulate the situation that whatever happens I look like I was OK, like it wasn't my fault/responsibility, while in fact in some cases I have allowed myself to cut corners and was simply called on it and in others there was simply a point to correct/change/do.

I recognize an element of fear within this, as I fear being seen as wrong by the other person, and specifically if they are an authority or I perceive them as superior to me within the situation, I fear/resist experiencing myself as inferior to the other person, I fear being used as in taken advantage of so I experience myself as defending my honor/name/personality, I allow myself to manipulate the situation so that I am always on top, and in control, instead of taking a breath and standing within self responsibility within self honesty, and simply facing my mistake or the task that needs to be done, admitting and even apologizing for cutting corners and to correct myself.

I realize I must investigate the point further, to allow myself to go deeper in the hidden depths of myself, to support myself in stopping this abusive behavior, as I see that it is unacceptable, I am not acting within self honesty, I am not acting like I would like others to act, I am acting within self interest, in defense mode, survival mode, instead of standing as self responsibility and participate equally in reality within the principle of equality and oneness and living as what is best for all.

I realize this point of reaction that come up within me is an opportunity for me to face these points within/as myself and to change/correct myself as I realize I have been existing as preprogrammed patterns, not being the directive principle of myself, my experience, nor my actions. I have been blaming others for what I have allowed myself to experience, and within that, have been separating myself from that which I fear to face within/as myself.

I know that all my experiences, and within that, all my reactions, are all self created. Through having a look at the example of my reactions towards being told what to do or being corrected, I've realized that the core "problem" is that I have created an idea/self definition about myself, as a positive self definition/idea of myself and when I get feedback from the environment that contradicts my positive view of myself I experience conflict, but what I haven't realized is that beneath the positive self definition, exists within me, many layers of contradicting self beliefs, negative self beliefs that I've accepted as myself, but I have judged them and have feared them, and thus, allowing myself to exist in fear of not being the positive idea/belief/definition I hold for myself, I fear of being the complete opposite, fear of not being seen in a positive light, as the positive idea I've defined myself as, fear of actually being all that I fear/resist as I have defined it as bad/low/dark.

So, when I react, as I am told what to do or am corrected, what actually is happening within me, is that these low/dark/bad/shameful points that I have accepted as myself but exist in fear of seeing myself equal to, are being activated within myself, and I experience inner conflict, thus the reaction.

I realize that these points are, and have been, existing within/as myself, though I haven't allowed myself to see/face them. And so, I have separated myself from them, and have blamed others for activating these points within me, while all along it has been my suppressed creation, and thus my responsibility, and no one else's.

What I see within this is that I have to bring myself to accept myself as the lowest/darkest points within myself, which I fear facing as myself, and through facing myself as the lowest/darkest points, and accepting myself as the lowest/darkest points, and forgiving myself as the lowest/darkest points, I will no longer be directed and influenced by other people, whatever is thrown at me - I will stand, because the points will be seen, accepted, forgiven and thus defused so to speak, within/as myself.

So, here, in the coming blogs, I open the points up, to face myself as the lowest/darkest parts of/as myself that I have done everything to suppress/ignore/hide/deny, to be able to stand equal to them, and correct myself within forgiveness. And to never again be directed by them, and thus, stand as self directive principle in the face of whatever comes my way, and through standing, support myself and others as myself, within stability and self honesty, as what is best for all.

So I start this process looking at the character of "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" and see what comes up as I walk the character dimensions, in the blogs to come

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Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1

 

I am working with the blame character within and as myself where I am looking at one dimension of blame where within my environment an event occurs where I am corrected / feel inferior / ….and through my experience of this I would react in anger, feel animosity towards the other person blaming them for how I experience myself.

So, within this character I see there are three steps to the creation of the blame character:

1. I take a response from someone in my environment personally
2. Within taking it personally I react to the other person negatively where I create an emotional body that reacts to the response from the other person
3. I then become the blame character – blaming the other person for my experience

I will start from the end to unfold the pattern:

Why do I blame?

I blame as a way of abdicating self responsibility, stating to myself that others are responsible for how I experience myself. It is a form of self diminishment within believing myself to be a victim to others and dependent on others within believing they have control over me as my experience of myself

Why do I experience a negative energetic experience?

Based on memories/ideas/interpretations that I have created and accepted in the past, as I have connected the dots between my experiences creating a belief system of how things should be, how people should be, how I should be. Within this I have learned to use positive/negative energetic experiences to get what I want within self interest, to justify myself and to protect my personality/beliefs. So going into negative energetic experience is a point of not having the situation aligned with my expectations of it within self interest, simply not how I want it do be within the ideas I have created, and through feeling bad about it I justify to myself that I am right within the idea.

Why do I take things personally?

I feel attacked, the idea I have of myself is attacked, things are being said that are not aligned with my belief system, with the personality I want to have presented, there is a clash and I go into defense mode as a form of survival, like becoming alert and having to defend myself, my persona.

I have noticed that I have the perception of being attacked through the tonality in another's voice where I perceive them to be criticizing me, impatient with me and an authority over me. If I perceive myself to be attacked often and repeatedly I experience a form of desensitizing, like a form of coping mechanism where I zone out and ignore/suppress the reactions within me, another point within perceiving myself to being repeatedly attract I lose my perception of what is important, like there is no big and small scale, it all becomes with the same intensity.

Within the perceiving myself as being attacked I allow myself to feel enslaved where I lose all self trust, and accept myself as enslaved to the situation and my experience within it, like I am trapped within it.

Through out this point I recognize that I have a desire to be seen in a specific "light", while within the point of experiencing myself as I'm being attacked I feel like I am not seen as I desire to be seen and there is a fear within that as to how others will see me as

So, in a way my definition of self is challenged, I recognize the misalignment with my self definition and what is being said to me that I have reacted to, and I evaluate it to being negative according to my belief system based on past experiences/memories/interpretation, then I react within a negative energetic experience, and instead of realizing that I am doing all of this to myself through accepting blindly my belief system and my definition of myself, I go into blame within believing the whole experience to be real and my beliefs to be valid, and thus I blame the other for creating this situation as what I am experiencing within/as myself, through their expression.

Within the blogs to come I will open up this point further

Day 38 - Reacting through Not Reacting - Self forgiveness

Check out my previous blog:  Day 37 - Accepting abuse and then blowing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea within myself that if I do not externally react to something it means I am stable / non reactive, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as long as I am reacting within myself as an energetic reaction as a movement within/as myself I am in fact reacting, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on another for apparently abusing me while not noticing that I have reacted within/as my mind and thus am a full participant/creator of the situation, thus I commit myself to allow myself to see/face within self honesty points within me that I react to/towards and to investigate all points of reaction so that I can trust myself and my perspectives on the world/reality around me, because of as the moment, as long as I am reacting within energy I know I cannot be trusted, thus, I commit myself to clear myself from any an all reactions through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements to be able to stop myself as the blame character and trust myself to actually support myself as life within common sense within/as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrain myself from reacting in order to be able to blame the other for reacting/abusing and state within myself that I am stable and thus clear and thus am able to state that they are to blame, when in fact I have used this point as self manipulation to avoid taking self responsibility for myself as who I have accepted myself to become within the initial point of reacting to what the other had said or how they said it. I realize within this that as I walk the process of stopping participation with mind and investigating myself within self honesty to see who I am, what I am, why I do what I do and so forth, I must build myself as self honesty because I see how easy it is to manipulate myself within/as the tools of the process, and thus I commit myself to building self honesty within/as myself through always going back to self within never believing the mind constructs as blame because the moment I divert my attention to the other while I am still reacting I am missing me at that moment, missing an opportunity to see why I reacted, missing a chance to change within/as self support within/as breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself through pointing a blaming figure at the other while within a state of self righteousness, not allowing myself to see the reaction I am participating in as feeding the mind with energy, within this I  remind myself to always go back to the basics and bring it all back to self within humbleness as a self directed movement within self will to push myself more and more each day to expose more parts of myself that I have kept hidden, and within this I commit myself to notice the minor energetic reaction moving within me and when I experience it to simply stop and breathe, and keep on breathing as a directed movement, within realizing that the energy will pass and I will remain, thus I breathe, I let go the idea/opinion/backchat/desire to be right in my mind, and I breathe

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing  myself to be self honest with/as myself within a self willed movement to open up points of reaction as more clues to who I am and how I created myself as such, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and not push in every moment to self realize to be able to trust/respect/accept myself within the realization that I actually know who I am as the basic step stone to whatever comes next within this process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority when being "spoken down upon" within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to interpret specific words/tonalities as demeaning and thus when I hear them I react like an organic robot and go into inferiority, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see my own reaction within/as myself and to switch my inner experience to superiority through believing that I didn't react when in fact I did

I commit myself to through breathing and consistency within walking this process, to allow myself to see my reactions and take responsibility for them within self forgiveness, because I realize this will take time and I realize I must push/move myself to make it happen, it being seeing myself for how I really am as who I accepted and allowed myself to be, and then change/align myself to an effective being walking as support of all life within the principle of equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within fear of conflict and disguise it as being superior for not reacting while all along accumulating the energetic reaction within/as myself up to a point where I lose control of the damn and it all comes flowing out in some way or another, thus bringing myself to a point where I do not know what I will do next, explosive with the energy I have accumulated, instead of taking responsibility for myself within and every little movement of energy and stop/clear myself within/as breath

I commit myself to checking myself on a daily basis, ad seeing if I had missed a point of reaction that I tried to manipulate myself within suppression, and within that I commit myself to take responsibility for each and every reaction within/as breath and self forgiveness to be sure that I will not explode uncontrollably by the accumulation of all the little reactions I deliberately/manipulatively ignored

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate reactions towards a person and then allow myself to explode and let out all the energy I have built up within myself not taking into consideration the total abdication of self responsibility within it all as I a, taking out on another the consequences of my own allowed/accepted behavior within allowing myself to be directed by the mind instead of being self directed within/as breath within self honesty in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my reaction within self manipulation that I am not in fact reacting in order to not bring myself to conflict with the being within not allowing myself to trust myself to be able to handle such conflict and the outcome of this is that I end up creating a much bigger conflict instead of being self directed within/as self trust and dealing with any/all conflict as they come up within self honesty and communication with the other, as sharing the point of reaction within me in order to build a more stable foundation for our relationship/communication, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my fear of conflict is creating bigger conflict in my life through the accumulation of resistance/fear of conflict within the energy building up and then having to blow up to release itself

I commit myself to pa attention and not allow myself to build up energy because 

I see the outflow of it and the destruction such behavior creates and I do not accept that any more, thus I commit myself to face every point of reaction/energy to be sure I am not accumulating it within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than according to how the other will speak to me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take personally what/how others speak and react within inferiority to what/how they say, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the other within their current expression within realizing that we are each walking our process, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the for not expressing themselves how I think they should, Instead of focusing on myself within the investigation of the trigger point as self definition that had created the reaction within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept abuse from others within the self manipulation that I shouldn't react, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept abuse from others within the justification that I am not reacting because I am stable when in fact I am not reacting because I fear facing the other in conflict because I don't yet trust myself to be able to handle face any situation, because I still allow myself to live in fear and self doubt which I simply showing me that I am still of the mind and have not yet allowed myself to be one with/as breath as I realize that only within the mind exist fear of the other, fear of conflict, fear of speaking up

I commit myself to keep on walking within building self honesty as self trust through writing, self forgiveness, and investigating all points, not leaving a point unturned, until I am able to trust myself and not to fear because I am here within/as breath

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as self judgment, when I am reacting I allow myself to be it from perspective of not hiding/suppressing it, and within allowing myself to be one with the reaction I stop myself as it, as myself, I stop myself. I am here, I breathe.

Day 37 - Accepting abuse and then blowing up

I have a tendency to allow myself to take shit from people, I allow them to talk down at me and I accept it within a statement that "it's ok, I can take it" justifying it to myself from a perspective that if I react it means that they've hit a point of inferiority within me, and if I don't react it means that everything is cool with me, and they are walking their process and it's their problem/point/issue...

But within that, I haven't allowed myself to see that I am actually reacting within myself but because I didn't allow myself to be self honesty with myself I have not allowed myself to see the point as the reaction that I was experiencing, within not allowing myself to see the reaction I was experiencing due to being spoken down to I could not express it or deal with it in any way, and thus I have suppressed the reaction within myself while allowing it to quietly accumulate,  the outcome of this process is that I end up accumulating resistance towards the person and their expression until I've accumulated all that I can handle and I explode.

Through this, I will justify my acceptance within a belief/idea that I should be able to take any kind of shit from anybody without reacting. while my misunderstanding was that "not reacting" means not having an energetic movement within myself and thus being able to direct the situation within self support and support of the other, and it doesn't mean to simply not react externally while accumulating suppressed reactions inside... Which is what I now see that I've been doing...

What I see within this is that I am most definitely reacting to being put down by the other, but I am suppressing it and not expressing myself because I have judged myself within believing that I should be able to not react. And, another reason I "prefer" to suppress myself and not speak up is within a point of avoiding conflict, a point of fear of conflict, a fear of standing up within not accepting/allowing abuse so I'd rather soak it up, and just take it.

Within this pattern what ends up happening is that I accumulate the suppressed reaction within me and starting to build up spitefulness and blame towards the person, while feeling self righteous for not reacting when in fact I have been reacting internally all along but haven't allowed myself to express it, and I do this until a braking point where I can’t take it anymore and then I snap.

Snapping comes in many forms… I can snap externally, towards the person that I blame for talking down at me, or I can snap towards another person, from perspective of accumulating the feeling of inferiority and then to compensate and regain my lost power, I will express myself as superior towards an innocent third party in order to make them feel inferior so that  can "balance myself", or I can snap within myself within thinking spiteful/revenge  thoughts towards the person, or acting/behaving passive aggressive, not saying what is wrong directly, but implying something is wrong indirectly, manipulating the situation to revenge the pain caused upon me through causing pain to the other wherever/however I can.

I see within this point that I haven't taken self responsibility for my participation within the situation, I have allowed myself to be directed by my energetic reactions and further more I have allowed myself to suppress my reaction within self judgment due to believing I shouldn't be reacting and due to fear of conflict with the other being.

I have not allowed myself to be self honest with myself. Self honesty is firstly the ability to see/face myself for who I am and not to change/suppress myself based on an idea that I should be this or that… thus the first step is to clear myself form the judgment I have towards my reaction within the idea of what/how I should be. Within self honesty I must allow myself to see me for who I actually am, within/as how/when I react.

Then, after the reaction has passed through supporting myself within/as breath, I forgive myself as the reaction, I look at why I reacted, what definitions/ideas/self beliefs are being provoked, I investigate the point until I am satisfied that I've got it, until I know that I will not fall in it's trap again because I will recognize it and direct myself within/as it.

Self forgiveness on this point to come…

Day 22 - Arguing about the Desteni material

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to convince the others about the desteni materials so that I can feel good about myself and be reassured I am at the “right place’ through getting the approval of others, instead of looking within self honesty at where I am at and what I am doing and building self trust to be able to stand stable no matter what others think about me and what I am doing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to talk to people about the desteni materials from a starting point of preaching to them, as if I have all the answers and they are ignorant and need me to help/save them from their ignorance, not realizing that by doing so I am participating in the construct of superiority and judgment and thus preaching about the principle of equality but acting from a starting point of inequality, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as long I am not one with my words I am only talking knowledge and information and not living as an example, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that being challenged by others can be used as self support to see where I am talking knowledge and information and where I should instead apply myself to be able to speak from my own experience and self investigation, thus allowing myself to within humbleness stop preaching and taking it back to self to see what I have been hiding from myself

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue about desteni material, going into convincing and justifying instead of speaking about it without the energetic experience I have allowed myself to participate in through convincing and justifying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when speaking with others about desteni go into a character of wanting to be right and wanting to prove to them my point and in turn when they are not convinced I go into reaction and become angry/spiteful towards them for “not getting it” or for being so consumed with their ideas that they are blond to what I am trying to show them, not allowing myself to actually be equal to them within humbleness and to see through their reaction where am I speaking knowledge and actually holding on to my own opinion without having actually checked it out for myself within the physical reality, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by looking at their resistance to what I am saying and my reaction to them, I can learn a great deal about myself and how I operate within/as sharing my perspective, and through learning I can become much more effective in sharing about desteni, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to learn from my mistakes because I have been too proud to learn from those situations/people I have define as ignorant, instead of allowing myself to within humbleness and the principle of equality, learn from everything and everyone in my reality to become effective and equal within my words and actions

I commit to stop myself within breath when I see myself caught up in an argument, trying to convince another about the desteni material within the starting point of knowledge and information

when seeing myself caught up in convincing and justifying myself to prove to another I am right about the desteni material I commit to stop and breathe, to stop all preaching about that which I haven’t walked and only share about points I have proved to myself so that I can actually stand behind what I am saying as an living example and not as another idea

I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself going into reaction from an argument about the material and allow myself to back off and look at what I am actually reacting to, and why is it so important for me to pass my message, and within that to see where I am holding on to ideas I haven’t yet proved to myself but want the other to agree with so that I don’t have to.

I commit myself to encourage myself and others to research the material of desteni in depth and to check it out practically for myself/themselves and not rely on anyone's perspective to judge and thus determine an opinion about the material.

Day 19 - Sister character – part 2

this is a continuation of my previous blog: Day 18 - Sister character – part 1

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to submit myself to the sister character wherein doing so I submit my sister in the sister character as well, thus due to my participation within/as the sister character I trap us both as characters, living in the past, basing our communication on memories of events and how we reacted to them based on the characters we accepted at the time, and thus creating a vast/complex sister character existing through our participation with all these other characters and memories of them. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my sister through/as the character of "I deserve this" and thus when she didn't act according to what I think/believe I deserve I would allow myself to become spiteful towards her, and create a dynamic/even/memory for us to duplicate time and time again, every time I believe she is depriving me from what I deserve

I commit myself to when experiencing myself going into the character of "I deserve this" with my sister, I stop myself and breathe, I check my starting point and looking within myself to see what in fact I am reacting towards - is this "I deserve this" a basic right that we all deserve as equals and if so act on it within breathe and not from reaction, or is this "I deserve this" exposing self-interest within superiority and desire to be special and get special attention, and if so I stop myself, as I don't accept myself to participate in such construct/characters that manifest abuse and other consequences that are not best for all due to having a self-interest starting point 

I commit myself to stopping myself within breath as self-support, when going into reaction towards my sister within re-creating the character of "I am not getting (she is not giving me) what I deserve" and instead to allow myself to be humble within the notion that I am not special, I am equal to her, and my desires are simply desires and do not stand as what is desired by all as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my sister within/as the character of "I don't know what to say" based on passed memory of saying something and not accepting her reaction as valid, and thus with time I have created myself as fearful of her 'unexpected reactions towards me' due to taking her reactions personally and allowing them to 'shut me down'. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as shutting down due to her reactions, not allowing myself to stand by what I say and thus creating a character of "Fear to express myself" due to not allowing myself to stand as what I say in fear of the reaction that might be coming my way, due to taking the reaction personally. While not realizing that any reaction from another is towards themselves and I am merely a reflection supporting them to see themselves and thus I should not take it personally. within the realization above, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is best for all, as supporting both of us, to express myself in spite of the fear of what the reaction will be, thus pushing myself to walk through the fear of "I fear to express myself because I fear unexpected/undesirable reactions towards me" to allow myself to stand as what I say and build myself as self-trust and self-stability, not allowing anything less than who I am , not allowing myself to be directed by fears that are created to trap me in the character but rather to allow myself to actually be free of all characters and to live as self, while at the same time allowing the other to see themselves as well, through their reaction to what I am saying, and thus to stop supporting their character by playing along as we both support our characters and trap ourselves in them forever.

I commit myself to push myself to speak up and express myself and push through the fear of her reaction, I commit myself to stand as/behind my words and to stop myself within/as breath from manipulating myself to suppress myself due to a momentary illusion that I am supporting myself or her for not speaking up/expressing myself, not realizing that I am only supporting the characters I have created, thus I stop my participation with the "I fear speaking up because I fear her reaction" character through speaking up within and as breath, making sure within self-honesty that I am speaking from self-expression and not from a starting point of reaction/spitefulness/comparison/judgment… making sure I am here, one and equal to/as the words I speak, to then be able to stand as them  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself towards my sister within/as reaction, and within/as spitefulness, not allowing myself to actually see the point I am reacting to but instead to react and to create through my reaction the outflow we are well familiar with as the sister character we participate in, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when talking within reaction I am already creating the outflow of our dynamic, and that from the starting point of my own reaction I have already started the time line of my sister and I going into our characters as tension/suspicions within our dynamic/communication, thus I realize that in order to take self-responsibility and stop this dance I must stop myself as reaction towards her, and instead of reacting I must breathe and reconnect with my body to support me with stopping my reaction.

I commit myself to stopping myself as reaction towards y sister within breath, within realizing that by speaking to her within reaction I am creating the outflow of tense communication that leads to spitefulness and mutual/self-abuse, instead of allowing us to communicate within/as support towards ourselves and each other as what is best for all, to stop fighting and ego/power games