Day 216 - Back chat as the God of me

It's still the same point - when I am about to do something that has to do with interaction with people, such as going to a meeting or making a phone call, I experience this form of resistance, a form of fear, an anxiety, and I am reluctant to do it - that's when the back chat is most creative, because now it starts coming up with all the reasons why it's valid to avoid this point and procrastinate it, suddenly "later" is the best time to do everything, suddenly all the other things on my "to do" list jump to first priority and so, instead of seeing this for what it is, as a pattern of fear that I have been participating with all my life up to a point of believing it to be me, and that this pattern as my participation with fear, has been and still is, limiting me from becoming as effective as I can be, enabling me to accomplish all that I want to, and instead of simply not allowing myself to follow this back chat to actually do that which I know needs to be done regardless my momentary preferences and irrational fears.

 

Looking at it now, I see myself actually enjoying the back chat, as it is the only thing that "allows me to be me" or "accepts me as who I am" - but is it really who I am, or is this back chat simply allowing me to continue existing in my fear as the limitation of myself, and to stay in my small zone of comfort and not change - it "feels" like my back chat is on "my side", it feels like it supports me, when really it is not, it could not be further from the truth - the back chat is only "supporting" me in self interest as the mind, allowing me and manipulating me to exist as a limited lifeless organic robot, but it really never supports me in fact, as who I really am, as what is actually best for me within the greater picture, the picture that is reality as the physical - it never actually supports me as a living being in a living and physical reality - it only supports me as the mind, as the illusion, as opinions, as preferences, as beliefs, as the narrow and limited view of self interest.

 

I have been following my mind blindly, allowing myself to be directed day in and day out, allowing myself to be directed by the back chat making it to be the god of me, instead of standing up within and as myself and making a stand to / for / as myself, reclaiming myself back to myself, reminding and stating to myself that I am here to serve myself as life, if nothing else than should at least push myself to do what is really best for me, as true self interest and not destructive self interest within following the patterns of fear and self sabotage - to push myself to support myself in fact as what is really best for me in the long run, which is what is best for all in the greater picture, and visa versa, as what is best for all is always the answer to what is best for me - and even though I cannot say I always know what is best, I know for a fact that it is certainly not best for me nor anyone around me to justify my own limitation and accept my fears as the director of me, but rather to support myself to over come my fears and expand and grow and allow myself to become a fearless being, that walks in stability, in consistency, in certainty, in self trust, in self honor, that is up for any challenge, that will not stop for anything until the task is done and complete, that will keep on walking and learning and expanding in every moment and every breath, and walking each breath within the principle of equality as love thy neighbor as myself, as a living practice.

Day 212 - Fear of people – Voices in my head

Before I'm about to participate in some form of human interaction, or even when I'm just at the stage of thinking about doing something, the back chat comes up and "takes over me", I start hearing this voice in my head or seeing images as scenarios, telling me and showing me what can go wrong and how uncomfortable I will feel, and in most cases I believe the voices and images as the truth, as a representative of a rational reality and thus, I will change my plans accordingly, to suit the hallucinations in my head.

 

I realize that the voice and images are not an actual reflection of any rational reality but only of my fears and insecurities, and I realize that each time that I allow myself to follow them and change my self expression to accommodate to my fears I am giving them more power over me and am thus giving my power away, and so I grow weaker and weaker with every though / voice / image that I believe and follow.

 

I wanted to go rock climbing but have no one to go with, so the images were of me in that big room, climbing by myself, alone, this image connected to a feeling of rejection and of not belonging, like if I go alone it would be a test of whether I can make friends or not, like if I were to stay alone for the entire time that would mean that I have failed and if I end up knowing some new people I have succeeded - writing it out now, the funny this is that there are so many advantages of doing things alone, but because I have attached a negative emotional and association to it I avoid it.

 

I've had some times in my life where I allowed myself to do things alone and I found that I am much more with myself when I am not busy with others as entertainment, and so, even though I have proven to myself many times that doing things alone is awesome I still have allowed myself to exist in fear towards it, within an idea that it will reflect my poor ability and skills of interacting with people.

 

Another point here is that within participating in this fear of being rejected by people because I believe I do not know how to interact with them, and thus my being alone is proof of my failure and inadequacy - I cause myself to feel so uncomfortable, like I'm being tested, because I am testing myself, and then I don't allow myself to simply be in the moment in breath, but I try too hard, try to achieve something, to get a smile, or some form of recognition, to prove to myself that the people around me are noticing me as a positive being and not ignoring me as I don't exist or matter.

 

Here, this brings up the point of requiring some form of external feedback to recognize myself, as I have separated myself from myself to such an extent that I can only see my existence and hereness through the recognition of others.

Oh man…

 

I see this and I am appalled at how I have allowed myself to live and exist, how we as society have accepted and allowed this behavior as a total dependency and complete disregard of self.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the voices and the images in my head, and allow myself to follow them as the god of me without seeing and realizing that they are based only on fear and insecurity and not on common sense and the physical reality as what is really here

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect emotions to words and thus fear living them, as I have separated myself from words that I fear and within accepting this fear towards the words such as the word alone as an example, I have allowed myself to avoid these words as avoid living them as myself and thus allowing myself to be directed by the thoughts and fear of this word, instead of seeing the word for what it is and living it as allowing myself to express myself without fearing this word

Alone, rejection, friendly, belonging, left out

 

These are some of the words that come to me as I'm writing, as words that I have attached positive and negative energies to and thus desire to experience some and fear experiencing the others - all these words represents ideas I have created about myself and about relationships, and about morality and what is good and bad. But non of that is true, and non of that is actually decided by myself, it has all been programmed into me by myself through my acceptance through learning from my society, and thus, reliving the same construct - nothing new under the sun

 

I realize that when back chat and images come up within me as a reflection of some fear, I have a responsibility and an opportunity to stop myself and breathe, and to then investigate the words that I have attached the values and energies to, and to allow myself to clear myself form the energetic attachment I have placed on the words and to then allow myself to redefine them within the principle of equality as what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to when thoughts and back chat about fear of being alone come up within me, I stop and breathe, I look at the point as the natural self expression that I am limiting myself from, and I allow my self to within letting go the fear of the word alone, to consider all points available to me and make a clear decision within self honesty, as to what to participate with and what not. Thus, not to "do everything that I fear" blindly, but not allow myself to shy away from my own self expression due to fear

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the fear of people that I have is not actually a fear of people but a fear of myself as the experience of alone and rejection and the experience of me being tested, these are all done by me alone within and as my participation with my mind, and thus, I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that I do not fear people, but I fear my own reactions to my surroundings, and I have just beem blaming people on my reactions to them instead of taking full responsibility and seeing that it is not them, but it is me that is doing it to myself.

Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?

this is a continuation of my previous blog:

Day 173 – Still not good enough

 

A must hear:

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination – Where does Self-Judgment come from? - Part 11

Where does Self-Judgment come from – from the World around us, or from our own Imaginations?

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Omnipresence of Self Judgment - Part 12

Has your Self Image negatively influenced your life? Here we discuss How Self Judgment takes over every aspect of your Life, Thoughts and experiences.

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Judgment: Waging a War against yourself - Part 13

Why would we say things to ourselves that we would never dare to say to another?

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Judgment as Punishment - Part 14

Why do we feel like we deserve to be punished through our own self judgment and how does the media contribute to this feeling?

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use "I'm not good enough" or "I am inadequate" to avoid putting in the effort and doing the necessary work that needs to be done

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an idea that I am not capable and believe this idea to be the truth of me, instead of realizing that I am using this idea as an excuse to get out of my responsibilities, and thus, I prefer to see myself as inadequate, as powerless, rather than admitting that I am deliberately not taking the responsibility that is mine to take, within living and existing within / as self interest as only doing that which I please at the moment and not considering anything and anyone beyond the reach of my momentary satisfaction / enjoyment

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer seeing myself as inadequate rather than admitting that I just don't care - don't care enough about myself to push myself, to motivate myself, and to direct myself to be all that I can be, so instead I have created myself within the belief that I simply cannot, that I am not good enough, that I cannot expand, learn and prefect myself, that I cannot free myself from the limitations of the mind - as I'd rather believe I cannot than admit that I simply won't - and thus, in time I have forgotten this self manipulation and actually believe that I cannot, and from this point on I can pretend that I care, that I want to change, that I want to expand and free myself from the mind's limitations, that I want to direct myself in self honesty as what is best for all in equality and oneness - but I simply cannot - thus, completing the enslavement, the entrapment of the mind - giving in to this endless spiral of accepted limitation, instead of standing up within this realization and not allowing this to go on, within seeing and realizing the self abuse that I am inflicting upon myself, and the deliberate disregard of what is going on within me and around me to continue within this self created game - just to get out of pushing, putting in the effort, working hard towards actually changing myself and living as an example of that which I want to believe that I care about.

 

I realize that believing that I care for equality and oneness as what is best for all is empty words, is a lie each time it is spoken, as long as I don't back it up with physical actions, with actual physical doing - thus, I realize that as long as I don't stop myself from participating in this pattern of self defeat, as long as I continue entertaining my mind within believing myself to be inadequate, as long as I don't push myself with all the force I have within me, to change, to walk, to write, to live, I cannot speak of what is best for all in equality and oneness, as I am not even living it as myself, I am not even pushing nor trying to live it as myself - thus, existing within inner conflict as the manifestation of separation, the opposite of that which I claim I am walking towards as equality and oneness

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as this inner conflict where on the one hand I see the common sense in walking the principle of equality and oneness, I see the common sense in creating a system that is best for all, I see how I have been enslaved to the mind in limitation and fear, I see all this and want to put an end to it, and on the other hand, instead of standing up within myself, and pushing myself in the physical reality to actually get myself sorted out, I simply don't, I don't within the justification as a belief that I am inadequate, a belief of self doubt, of fear, while all these accepted beliefs are actually hiding my reluctance of getting my hands dirty, of doing some hard physical labor, as writing, as facing myself, as walking through the resistance breath by breath in seeing all that I have become, as doing what needs to be done to change myself, to correct myself, to move myself to become that which I want to become, and thus I hide from myself the actuality of myself as not caring enough about myself to actually push myself to do that which is in self honesty, in my best interest to do, and instead I do that which is actually self harming and abusive as allowing myself to diminish myself in self deception, as I exist in the belief of inadequacy while seeing my goals of bettering myself fade away.

 

I realize that only I can make the decision to change myself

 

I realize that only I can push myself to change myself

 

I realize that only I can change myself

 

I realize that once I allow myself to participate in my mind as thoughts / back chat it is already "too late" as I am already in the process of giving up, and thus, I realize that I must stop myself before it's "too late"

 

Within this, I realize that every moment is a new moment and thus, even though I have allowed it to be "too late" many times before, in each new moment I have the opportunity to stop myself and support myself in writing, self forgiveness, as practical application, every moment I can make the decision to stop participating in the deceptive self belief that I cannot, within realizing that in order to care about myself I must act in correlation of self care - "fake it until you make it" sort of thing, because I know within myself that I do care about myself yet I have programmed myself in such separation that I have lost contact with this self care, self love, self nurturing, self acceptance, and thus, I realize that as part of changing myself in the physical reality, I must ask myself "what would I do in this moment to support myself in practice of self care?" and to act on the self honest answer that I find within myself

 

I realize at first it will seem like I'm not aligned with myself, but it's true, I am not aligned with myself, how can I be if I have been abusing myself in self judgment and self belittlement for years

 

When and as I see myself drifting in thoughts of resistance, I stop myself and breathe, I realize I am standing at a point of decision and I ask myself what would I do if I were to care for myself enough to support myself, in order to give myself direction - and I follow my own direction.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately sabotaging myself as not doing that which would be most beneficial and supportive for me to do, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, I am my only existence, and if I don't care for myself and won't support myself no one will, I remind myself that all the love that I seek, and all the approval that I look for in others exist within myself if I only allow myself to give myself self care, self love, if I only allow myself to support myself.

 

I commit myself to be gentle with myself, to nurture myself into health so to speak, as up until now I have not been self supportive, I have been neglecting myself, I have been abusing myself - I commit myself to establish self care through writing and exposing myself to myself, as to, within and through the guilt and shame of not caring for myself, find my way back to myself as self care, self support and self love.

 

I commit myself, within realizing that equality and oneness must start with self first, that as long as I am not one and equal within and as myself, whereas self sabotage / abuse stems from separation and exists as inequality - I cannot expect to see equality and oneness anywhere externally - and thus I realize that I must live as an example that equality and oneness as what is best for all life is possible, because only through living the principle for and as myself can I be truly confidant that this change is possible, and as long as I don't live it as myself it exist only as an idea / belief, thus, to make it a reality, to birth life into equality and oneness I must live it as myself - this is my responsibility.

 

when and as i see myself going into the energetic experience of wanting to quite / give up within an experience of overwhelmingness where thoughts of inadequacy come up, i stop myself and breathe and direct myself to write at least one statement of self forgiveness as to support myself to get out of the funk, to return to myself here as the physical in writing, and to from there push myself to stand, to do something that is of self support, whether physical movement such as stretches, or writing, or simply sitting down and doing that which i have been avoiding – either way – whenever i see myself going into the state of resistance as self doubt / diminishment – i commit myself to do within breath, at least one physical action of self support and from there to push myself further, one breath at a time

 

To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course

Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online

 

Also, Please check out the following Links:

Desteni

Desteni Wiki

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

Journey to Life Group

Eqafe Life Products - Self Help

Creation's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey to LIfe

Earth's Journey to Life

Physics' Journey to Life

Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1

The point of self acceptance or more accurately the lack of it, is extensive within me. I wrote out the other day in my blog Day 127 – Voices in My head, the back chat that came up within me while I was listening to an Eqafe interview and I noticed that a big portion of it is based on me not accepting myself unconditionally, lots of thought of self judgment coming up as comparison and competition towards others once I've defined them as more than me in one aspect or another in which I have defined and judged myself for lacking in myself, many thoughts of desires as desiring something external to fulfill me to give me a sense of completion, as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself within unconditional self acceptance, as I believe I am lacking and thus require something external, expressed through desires and fantasies, and of course straight forward thoughts of self judgment, actually beating myself up for not standing up as an ideal I have created in my mind.

 

I have an ideal as a list of properties that I believe should be / have, in order for me to be satisfied with myself, and I thus, expect / desire / need myself to match this ideal, as list of properties in order to achieve self acceptance. There is like an invisible scale, like a grading scale where I place myself on the scale, based on how I judge myself according to comparing myself to others - how will I know where to place myself if not in comparison to others in my life whom I've defined as more or les than me in regards to a specific property. Within this I see the illusionary state I have been existing as, where I expect myself to be one thing, as I expect /want myself to be placed high on the grade scale I have invented in my mind, and in self judgment I am never good enough, never holding up to my ideal.

 

An interesting thing within this is that I was going to say that in reality I am not where I expect myself to be on the grade scale, but in fact in reality, this grade scale doesn't exist - it only exists as the mind's idea and judgment, so it's not even to say that I expect myself to be more than who I am, but judge myself as less - because that would validate the grade system I have created within / as myself, the grade system that I am using as a tool to create inner conflict in my life - what I realize is that who I am will never be defined according to how high I score on some make believe scale, who I am is defined within my relationship to and as myself, within what I accept and allow within and as myself, and at the moment, what I have been allowing myself is to exist in a mind made polarity of expectation and self judgment - I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as self judgment, self diminishment, self rejection - I realize that it's not about what it is specifically about myself that I reject, because as long as I accept and allow myself to be and exist as self judgment I will always be able to justify any point of self judgment as valid. I've been looking at and wanting to accept the content / property of myself, when in fact, the point is who I am within the relationship to / with / as myself, regardless of the actual content, thus, despite of how I currently judge myself.

 

What I mean by this is that looking at the actuality of how good / nice / beautiful / smart / special / effective / clever / insightful / consistent / calm / directive I am, is still within the realm of self judgment, and thus is not valid - any point of quantifying myself is not valid - who I really am as/within self judgment is the fact that I am not equal within and as myself, I am existing within the mind as I have created an ideal based on a value system injected to me by society through my acceptance, and instead of walking my life here, in breath, as unconditional self expression, accepting myself unconditionally as myself as I am life - I have given value to all these things / properties / characters and have allowed myself to exist in separation from / as myself within expectation and judgment.

 

I realize that as long as I exist in the polarity of expectation and self judgment, no matter what I do, what I look like, how I apply myself, what I say, how I behave... - I will find points judge myself for, because I have been allowing self judgment, as a construct, as a design, to exist within and as myself - I realize that within accepting and allowing self judgment I realize I will never be satisfied with myself, will never be content, will never accept myself unconditionally, within the belief that only if I become more, will I allow myself to rest - but that never happens because there always is another point to judge myself for and expect myself to improve in, and thus it becomes an endless race against myself - instead of realizing that all that I am is here, and all that I must do in order to accept myself is to allow myself to deliberately stop and let go the self judgment and to will /push myself to walk a step by step, practical process into self change - thus, accepting myself not from a starting point of allowing myself to continue as I have been, because I have realized that who I have been in unacceptable, as I have been existing in my mind as self judgment, and completely separated from the reality which is here and cannot be judged in self honesty because it is what it is, and thus, within living in separation from myself within the acceptance of self judgment, I have not really been living - so self acceptance is thus to accept that this is where I am at the moment, this is who I am at the moment - and not judge myself for it, within realizing that judgment is a mind manipulation, getting me to separate from myself even further, instead of embracing myself like a child and supporting myself to learn from my mistakes and assisting myself to change into a living being that is self directive, and exist as self honor, self respect and self trust, and thus to honor, respect and trust all life as life.

 

But how do I become self acceptance if at the moment I am judging all that I do not accept about myself, I must then allow myself to let go the judgment - fear comes up - why do I experience the self judgment as protecting me in some way which would cause me to fear letting go of it - the point I see as justifying judgment, within the experience that it is protecting me, is from the starting point of if I judge myself I am protecting myself from others judging me, as if, if they see me judging myself they won't need to, they might even take pity on me and show me that I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be, they will even give me positive reinforcement - thus, I see within this that I am using self judgment as emotional manipulation to get positive feedback from others and to avoid negative feedback - I realize I have created myself as the character of self judgment as a defense mechanism, and have been playing the part long enough to believe it to be me in fact, to forget it is just a character that I can stop participating with in any time, as I realize it is causing harm to myself and others.

 

How do I stop self judgment? The only way to do it, is to simply do it - when and as I see myself go into self judgment as back chat of self judgment come up within me, or back chat of comparison or competition, or when back chat of desires or fantasies come up - I stop myself and breathe, I realize all these back chats are holding within them self judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate with self judgment any more - when self judgment comes up - I stop it immediately, when I see I have fallen into self judgment I stop myself, forgive myself in the very moment, and write out the specific back chat to walk specific forgiveness on each point of self judgment that comes up within me, until I'm done and am no longer enslaved to self judgment.
In the next blogs, I will walk a process of self forgiveness for the specific back chat of self judgment that come up during the day.

 

 

To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course

Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online

 

Also, Please check out the following Links:

Desteni

Desteni Wiki

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

Journey to Life Group

Eqafe Life Products - Self Help

Creation's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey to LIfe

Earth's Journey to Life

Day 127 – Voices in My head

I've been walking this process for some time now, always within a point of doubt towards the possibility and the ability to stop ones thoughts, as I experience them being so many and moving so fast it makes it almost impossible to stop them. So, instead of using the tools as writing and self forgiveness within self trust that only through self dedication will there ever be a chance to start seeing all the thoughts and bringing them to my awareness and investigating their origin point and see why am I holding on to them, as to see what is the point of self interest, and within finding the point allowing myself to let go and stop them, as I stop my participation with them, time after time after time, until their energy runs out - instead of doing this I was enslaved to the idea that it cannot be done, and I haven't even really tried.


A few days ago I realized an interesting point, I was asked what were my thoughts during the day, and my initial response was to come up with two thoughts and then go into a giving up from perspective of "I can't remember all my thoughts, there are too many", but then after a few moment I looked at it again, and I suddenly realized that I've been kidding myself - I don't have a million thoughts, I have about 4-7 main thought categories and they each come up in many different expressions - when I saw this I realized how much time I have wasted due to not allowing myself to simply start my process of investigating the thoughts, because I allowed myself to be enslaved to my fears and beliefs, instead of trusting myself here, and opening up what will come up and not worry about not getting it all NOW, but just starting to walk one thought at a time, I allowed myself to be enslaved to overwhelmingness instead of directing myself to support myself.


I realize my mind is like a big recipe book, where each specific thought is like a recipe. So I have this big heavy book to go through and it seems like it will take forever, but actually the recipes are divided into categories, just as I've seen my thoughts are an expression of a few categories, and many of the recipes have the same ingredients that repeat themselves, just my thoughts are created by energetic reactions as emotions and feelings, so I must allow myself to open the book, and start investigating the recipes one category at a time, one recipe at a time, to see what ingredients create it, as to see what energetic reactions are behind the thoughts, which specific emotions and feelings are creating the thoughts, and then, through self forgiveness correcting the ingredients one by one to align myself a living expression that is best for all, an expression that will support me and manifest a healthy and effective recipe book - to come to a point that all the recipes in the book are the best possible recipes, with the best ingredients possible.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by overwhelmingness to the extent of not allowing myself to start my process of self support within self investigation in self honesty due to fear of the vastness of the mind, not realizing that the mind is limited from perspective that it feeds me the same train of thoughts over and over and from that perspective, makes it easier to deal with as there are really infinite thoughts but a hand full of categories that are based on the same energetic reactions - thus, I commit myself to start my process of self investigation, I commit myself to dedicate myself to self change within allowing myself to look at the thoughts and within self honesty see where they are coming from and what are they showing me, within allowing myself to let go the self definitions I have created about myself as self limitation, and allow myself to expand beyond what/how I've known myself to be, as self directive principle within understanding that I have been limiting, abusing and compromising myself and all life as myself through accepting and allowing myself to remain enslaved by the mind - it's time to stop - it's time to actually walk this process and clear myself from the preprograming that I have been existing as and to start living as self expression, as life.


Yesterday I was listening to an EQAFE interview and wrote down all the back chat that came up in that one hour, each thought/back chat was unique, as they didn't repeat themselves directly, but I've noticed a few main points/categories that keep coming up over and over, each time they are slightly different, what I find is that most of these points come to my awareness as back chat, as a voice in my head, then if I listen to the voice and give it my attention, I allow myself to get drawn into it, to fall into my mind and create like a movie scene in my imagination where I visualize the scenario, and completely separate myself from what is going on around me here in the physical reality, in many cases I experience it as if I fall a sleep, but I'm not falling a sleep, I am falling into my mind, as I'm allowing myself to follow the back chat into the imagination visualization, and at that point I am not here any more, I am up there in my mind, completely separated, completely lost - the categories I noticed yesterday were:


1. Responsibilities and commitments - all the list of chores haunt me at moments when I am not free to do them, thinking of excuses to why I didn't do them, judging myself for not doing them, thinking of ideas of how I will do them and when


2. Food - specifically when I'm hungry, thoughts about what will I eat, how will I prepare it


3. Appearance - judging my appearance, comparing myself to others, judging others


4. Irritation - reacting to things people say, taking things personally, perceiving others are reacting to me in irritation


5. Movies - replaying scenes from movies or TV series


6. Relationship - fantasize about relationships/sex, thinking of guys I desire, guys I was in relationship with


I commit myself to walk each category, through the practical steps of opening up in writing the specific back chat that come up, and for each back chat to identify the reaction that it holds within it, to identify what is the energy as emotion or feeling within it, to investigate what exactly did I react to, what made me react, what word or movement, something external that I took in from my environment and reacted to, and then ask myself why did I react, what memory do I hold that trigger that reaction, what past experience created this program within me.


Within this I realize that there is no point to take any of this personally as taking it personally is another mind tactic to keep me from actually investigating in self honesty, as taking it personally is within judgment and blame, and thus a barrier from actually seeing it as it is, as a program that I have allowed to run through/in me, but it is not me, it does not define me, it's not who I am, and thus identifying with it, with the back chat with the thoughts, I counter productive - a funny analogy was shared with me, and it really "hit home" - the voices in my head that I identify with, it's like walking into a dark room, and hearing someone speak and believing it is me - what is funny that if I would go into a dark room I would know that I am not the one speaking, I didn't direct myself to speak, I didn't intend myself to speak and thus I didn't speak - but in the mind I allow myself to believe it is me that is thinking all these thoughts, even though I didn't direct myself to think any one of them, I didn't intend to think them, yet I hear them in my head and believe them to be me - it's in sane…


Even as I'm writing I have thoughts as a voice in my head speaking to me - so this is where I am, completely possessed by my mind - and that's all the reason to get in gear and start walking this process because I've had it up to here, and I will not accept this anymore - it doesn't make any sense that I am being directed by a voice in my head, instead of being here as self, as breath, and actually directing myself as the living being that I know I am if I only allow myself to be.


 
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Desteni
Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Desteni I Process
Equal Money System
Journey to Life Group
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Earth's Journey to Life

Related articles

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• 249. Can't stop the Cookie from Crumbling
• The Gift of Projection is a Self-Honest Mirror: 157
• Day 191: Empathy Pain - Part 1
• Day 99 - Using Judge-Me-nt as Justification to Not Change
• DAy 131- Chasing the Carrot on the Stick

Day 116 - Spiting my back chat

The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work

Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”

Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness

Day 113 – Enjoying Work

Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness

Day 115 - Completing the job

 

I have been walking the point of my relationship towards work, for a few days now, and specifically investigating the experience of wanting to avoid work based on an idea/definition that I've created/accepted within myself that work should be avoided. Since I started this point I have been faced with it again and again every day, where each time the interaction with this pattern/character of avoiding work has been slightly different.

 

The main points that came up within me that I found most prominently within this pattern of avoiding/resisting work are the following:

 

1. Defining a job as "less than" as an inferior job/task, within this exist a fear within me of being associated with that job - "if I am the one doing this inferior job it must mean that I'm inferior", and on the other hand I participate within Judgment towards other people for working at specific jobs that I have judged as inferior - I wouldn't want to go out with someone working those jobs, I won't respect someone working those jobs, I will define them in alignment to their job - based on the accepted social status I have labeled the job with
2. Calculating what everybody is doing and making sure I don't do more than others within fear of being taken advantage of - this point as well is related to fear of inferiority, and thus the self definition as inferior, because how I see it is that if I am manipulated into doing more work, or am being taken advantage of, then I must be inferior to have been out smart and thus have been manipulated / taken advantage of
3. Defining work as something that needs to be avoided, within this I will stare at the clock, I will look at the time waiting for "work time" to end, within this I do not allow myself to be here in the totality of myself and practically do what I need to do to the best of my ability because I am preoccupied in my mind, looking at the time, and not focusing on the work, within this point I will deliberately do a half ass job because I'm doing it within a starting point of "I have to do it even though I'd rather not", instead of "taking pride" in the work I'm doing within honoring myself as the task and do it to the best of my ability

 

The common denominator within all these specific patterns is the back chat that goes with them, the back chat is always telling me that "I shouldn't be doing the work", "I should get out of it", "someone else should be doing it"," it isn't important", "this job isn't worthy", "why am I doing this shitty job" and so on...

 

Since I have started walking this point through opening it up with writing and self forgiveness, what I found most supportive for me at the moment, is to not follow my back chat, what I mean by this, is to hear what the back chat is telling me to do or not to do, and simply not follow it - I realize the "ideal" point is to stop the back chat all together, but I must say that it's not easy for me to "stop the back chat" - I'm at a point where I have become more aware of the back chat so I notice it as back chat and listen to it in awareness, the next "stage" would be to stop the back chat within breath, but this point is still not "working" for me, or I am not working it - so, within realizing that back chat is a form of self sabotage that is done in the name of self interest but is only really in the interest of the mind - what I have found supportive for me, as an application that I am able to do and "works for me" is that I do whatever it is in spite of the back chat - I hear what the back chat is saying and I'll push to do the opposite - so for instance when my back chat tells me to cut some corners cause no body is watching, I will push myself to do it even more specifically than I would normally do, or when my back chat is telling me that it's not fair that I'm doing all the work, then I'll go ahead and do even more - like a form of spite towards back chat, but not energetic spite, just a realization that it is trying to fuck with me, as the mind always seems to be in my best interest but it never really is as I have realized that living within self interest isn't really my self interest, it is only the interest the mind and the consequences are never pleasant for me and those around me, as the mind is not aligned with what is best for all, as it is only aligned with it's own self interest which is to cause and create friction and conflict as energy - I know back chat is fucking with me, so what I have decided to do is to spite it and do the opposite of what it tells me to do - and it's been really cool – I’m learning to become self honest through this process of seeing my back chat and then looking within self honesty as what must I do – thus, back chat has actually been a self support tool to allow me to become self honest, which is another cool point to see – everything around me, my back chat and reactions – it’s all giving me an opportunity to realize myself within self honesty – and it’s only up to me if i take advantage and live the opportunity or not.

 

I realize this method isn't one to hold onto for ever, it is merely a bridge, to stop letting myself be directed by the back chat, to then direct myself within self awareness and within considering what is best for all life in the context that I am dealing with within identifying what needs to be done - and if a thought comes up telling me not to do something I take it as indication that I actually know that it needs to be done, otherwise the thought wouldn't have come, so I simply do it - it's become almost like a challenge, where my mind tells me "don't do it" and I then have the opportunity to see it and decide to do it.

 

Since I've started doing this it's been fascinating to be aware of what I have always seen and known what I "should" do, but have blindly followed my mind as it tells me not to do it - now I'm more self directive as the mind has that much less power over me, I am braking the chains of the enslavement towards the mind - I have just been doing this practice in relation to the specific point of working, but I'm sure I can become aware of other aspects and points in my life that this practice can serve me in braking another self accepted chain that I have created within my relationship to my mind.

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Day 110 - Avoiding Work

Working - all my life I knew that working is a hassle, no one really wants to work, people work because they have to, and I have been avoiding work all my life, as much as I can, whether it's cleaning my room as a child, or apartment as I grew up, whether it's doing my home work for school, or assignments for university, whether it's holding a nine to five job or any "real" job for that matter, anything that I perceived to be a hassle, not from my own personal experience but from observing others around me as family, friends, television shows - I have tried to avoid, so in essence I never gave myself a chance to see who I am within it, I always simply defined myself within the personality of "I don't like to work".

Since I have defined myself within the "I don't like to work" personality, I have been doing what I can to avoid it, and to do so I have compromised myself, I have participated in manipulations, I have used others to do things for me - within this I expected other to experience it in the same way, so I have been suspicious and judgmental towards others as I perceive them to be avoiding work, cutting corners, slacking off, getting out of the responsibility they should be doing.

When I have been in a working environment I always was alert to make sure I am not being taken advantage of, because that's what people do, as I do, they will manipulate the situation to do as little as possible and then I will be stuck with doing all the work - and this was unacceptable - so I had to be even more manipulative to be sure I am not being coned as I am busy conning the others, to be sure that I am not doing more than anybody else, that we are equal, when in fact I really always made sure that the worst case scenario would be that we do equal work, the better scenario would be that I am the one doing less than others

So, within the belief that working is something that needs to be avoided, as a given fact, I have existed as a neurotic being, living in the anticipation of someone manipulating me and making me do all the work, which I would hate, because that's how it is - "I hate work". So I find myself looking, hunting, to catch others as they slack off and expect me to do the work, as they "innocently" give me more to do while they "sit around" - I have been interpreting people in such a way that would prove me right, I have concluded, without having the full picture, that they are doing exactly that which I would like to do, and then I judge and blame them and resent them for it. Talk about hypocrisy…

The funny thing is, that when I give myself a chance to explore work, I find that I actually enjoy it, when I allow myself to step out of the character of "I don't like working" I find that through working I expand, I'm alive, I'm learning, I'm contributing, I'm in action - I mean, anything can be defined as work, anything that one decides to do, any responsibility one choses to take on, and it's just about how one perceive it once the decision has been made - it can be seen as a hassle or it can be simply done as a decision, without any emotional/energetic charge to it - simply doing what needs to be done, while breathing, and living, and even enjoying it - I mean, if it needs to be done, and if I am going to do it, then I might as well take it in, and enjoy myself - I would be crazy not to, it is insane to do something while going on in my mind about how I am screwed, and how I hate it, and basically to have a pity party in one's mind, instead of being here, in the physical reality, where things need to be done for things to happen, and to enjoy the fact that I can do them, I can contribute - I am a part of this world, I am breathing this air - why would I want to give back whatever and whenever I can?

So, I've been living within an idea that I don't like work and I should try to do as little as possible, and within this I believe everybody wants to do as little as possible so I look for their manipulation, and blame them that every thing they do is to manipulate and get out of doing the work, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that self honestly I am doing that very thing - obviously this has been causing conflict and friction in my life, within myself as an inner experience, and within my relationships, as I have blamed and played the "fare game"

I realize I must align myself with what is best for all life as myself, thus, I need to change my starting point towards work, I realize I have 24 hours in a day no matter what I do in it - what does it matter if I work or sit around or watch a TV series - I am here and breathing through any activity, the only difference between them is a point of preference based on a value system that I have never questioned and simply accepted from my environment - and I've seen that when I stop the back chat about not liking work I find that I actually enjoy working, so I need to clear out the idea of trying to get out of work, to clear out the back chat so that I can be here as I do whatever is required to be done.

Within this, I realize that I have spending lots of time/energy within thoughts trying to figure out what others are doing, how long are they doing it and making sure that I don't do any more than anyone else, and then, when I catch others within what I perceive/interpret to be slacking off, I use it as a justification to slack off myself -"is they are slacking off, why should I do all the work, that's not fare, I'll show them, I won't do as much either" - instead of standing one and equal within myself and honoring myself within the agreement I have made to do the task at hand regardless of what anyone else is doing - it's not about them, it's about me - if I am in a situation that I obviously chose to be in, to honor and respect myself would be to do what I have committed myself to do, and not create back chat which just create conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with those around me- if I've committed to do something then that's what I'll do, even if every one else is not, and if I need to work a little harder or if more time is necessary to complete a task, I'll do it - not because anybody is taking advantage of me, but because I have made a directive decision to do something and I will not dishonor myself as life by not standing one and equal to/as my decision - so I mustn't compare myself and define who I will be according to who others are, especially when I judge them and blame them and basically project all of my shit onto them, and then use my perception of their behavior as justification to do the exact same thing I am judging the for.

I realize that the only way that I will ever live as self honor/respect/dignity is if I actually honor myself and not do that which I judge, live as a living example of "give as you would like to receive", "do onto others as you would like being done onto you", love thy neighbor as yourself" - and it start with honoring my own commitments, towards myself and towards others and simply do what I said I would do, while simply breathing, one breath at a time, and doing what can be done in each breath - no back chat, no energy, no reaction, no judgment, no comparison, no competition, no blame - just living as breath and walking the physical in the most practical way, within directing myself and honoring my own self direction.

Within this construct of not liking to work, there is another point of justification to not enjoying work, and it is within another self created personality, as I have defined myself as someone that likes working together and doesn't like working alone -I realize that this is self limitation - if I am doing something it shouldn't matter what anybody else is doing, yes, it's nice to have company and work together can have it's benefits - working together can be a preference, but that's all it is, a preference, it shouldn't be a point of self limitation as self sabotage - it should direct my experience of myself, I shouldn't allow myself to be directed by a preference - I realize that all it is, is a preference -so when it happens in such a way - cool, but within realizing I am here and stable either way - if I don't get my preference met and I end up working alone, that should be just as cool - nothing of such a sort should move me within energy and reaction, I mustn't allow it to direct me - I have seen and experienced for myself that the outflow of allowing myself to be directed by preferences instead of directing myself as what is best for all within practicality is destructive - why would I allow it?

I will continue with this point in my next blog
Thanks

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