Showing posts with label manipulation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label manipulation. Show all posts
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
I've realized today, once again, that my life is like being stuck on a marry-go-round, where I go up and down and there is somewhat of an experience that things are happening, but I am actually doing the same thing, living out the same patterns, the same characters over and over and over… existing within an illusion that I am living, not even realizing that I have been on the same ride going round and round… I know there is life beyond this ride, and I know I have the power to get off the ride and start living, but I guess it's easier said then done - only through actual self investigation in self honesty will I be able to set myself free, I must ask myself the most intimate, hardest questions within the starting point of actually wanting to sort myself out, and to answer myself in harsh self honesty - I must also realize what questions I must ask myself? And not accept the automated "but I don't know" as an answer.
Since I became aware of the desteni process I've become aware of such points - that we are all accepting ourselves as patterns of the mind and not actually living as self expression as who we are, that we have all lost ourselves to such an extent that we do not know why we do what we do, we do not even know what we are feeling let alone what was the process of creation as we created these feelings within / as ourselves, as we were an active part of creating them, every step of the way, yet, conveniently we have allowed ourselves to forget the process and trap ourselves in the realm of consequence, thus existing as the victim of reality instead of realizing ourselves as the creation - whereas the victim is powerless and cannot do much to change while the creator has all the power to change everything yet requires the intention to do so - it's been 4 years now, that I know this, and even though I know this to be true, and am frustrated by it, I have not yet moved myself to do anything about it, I prefer believing myself as the helpless victim rather than taking self responsibility and living as the creator - because living as the creator has one of two options - to face myself as a creator that doesn’t care about anything, and live with myself as such, or get off my ass and take responsibility for my creation, and correct / change / perfect myself to be a creation that I proudly stand by - when thinking about why the hell am I not doing everything in my power to prefect myself, to change myself into becoming a being of self worth as I know that by changing myself I can become, the only answer I come up with is that I really don't care enough about myself, nor life, nor anyone really nor anything - up until now I obviously did care about anything in life, because if I would have, wouldn't I get my ass into gear by now, and do something about this fuck up of a life?
This isn't easy to admit, who wants to admit that they don't care about themselves, nor anything and anyone in their world?... All I really ever cared about is surviving, and since I was born into a financially comfortable situation, the only survival I had to consider was social survival - which if investigated a bit, I always experienced myself within social fear and sense of exclusion in everything I did, so I surrounded myself with many friends, from kindergarten age, some friends I liked more than others, some I used just for the company, but I would have never admitted to it - it's like all friendship was, was a joining of two lonely people that if they were together they wouldn't have to face the fact that they are living in a state of constant loneliness and a sense of exclusion - and then, after some time of practicing this social thing, the loneliness was suppressed and forgotten and was replaced with a plastic sense of belonging, only to came back up and rear it's head as fear, whenever events could be interpreted as a social problem, if they implied that something may change and the experience of loneliness / exclusion / rejection may return.
It wasn't all like that, as a very young child there was a point of pure enjoyment, like an actual physical enjoyment, playing together and laughing, but here, I am more referring to the time where "politics" / self interest / manipulation came into friendships, when it wasn't about the "just being here and enjoying ourselves and each other" but when it became, you know, girly and gossipy, proving to each other our friendship with gestures of loyalty, usually at someone's expense, and so on… when it became something you need to maintain and work on and not just enjoy.
Anyway, infesting this is coming up now, I am leaving the farm soon and I haven't addressed this point effectively in writing, I actually haven’t really addressed any point effectively in writing, I have just hardly scraped the surface, which is the main point of not committing myself and just letting myself go through the same shit over and over instead of dedicating myself to myself to sort myself out - always back to the same point.
So, here I am , in a process of learning to support myself, ashamed of myself for taking so long to get off my ass to make the first step in caring for myself, in trying to change myself and become a person that I want to care for, that I honor and respect, and doubting whether I can even make it and change myself - though, this self doubt is also just one of those characters on my marry-go-round, a character that I have allowed to direct me and infiltrate almost everything I do - self doubt is a tricky bastard, because it presents itself as naïve and innocent - "I am not saying that I can't do it, I just doubt that I can", like preparing the way of failure indirectly, "just in case I fall, let me make sure there is a safety net" - not realizing that instead of focusing on that which I am doing I am placing my attention on failure, and preparing my fall, thus distracting myself and actually sabotaging myself.
When I'm asked how I am doing, I answer with like a form of apology, allowing room to this self doubt character to sneak in, as if I cannot afford to say that "I'm working on it, it's going well, and I am improving, I will continue working on it until I am satisfied" - instead I will say something like "ya, it's ok, getting better, but there is still a long way to go, I'm moving very slow, and it's not as good as I would want it to be by now, but it's improving, so it's ok" - expressing and emphasizing the half empty cup, rather then simply saying it as it is, god forbid I let go this experience of inadequacy and actually take charge of myself and move into the "right" direction, the "right" direction being that which I choose it to be in self honesty.
Only now I see this, lol, I am a pessimistic… I expect the worst I anticipate the worst and I prepare for the worst, that is why I live and exist in constant fear… keeping expectations low, because what if I actually believe in myself and dedicate myself to a point, and actually invest myself in something - and fail - what will happen to me then? Well, the way I am acting it seems like I would die and dissipate into a million non existing pieces of nothing - but reality isn't so dramatic, I think - and so, I have been living as a pessimistic, not realizing that I am creating myself and my world according to who I allow myself to be, as my reality will only reflect me back to myself, and so, it isn't about changing the reality to be good and nice and then to prove my pessimism wrong, which is what I have been trying to do, as I have gone to the positive / feel good / optimistic fantasy land, which is as far from reality as being pessimistic, probably ever farther… it is, as always, about changing myself, as who I am in my relationship to myself, my world and my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pessimistic, within believing that I will not be disappointed if I prepare myself to fall, not realizing that by preparing myself to fall I am actually sabotaging myself and manifesting the failure instead of being here in breath and walking practically towards the point I have seen as fit to walk, and dedicating myself practically and fearlessly.
When and as I see myself expressing myself in pessimism, I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to slow myself down, and evaluate what am I about to say, making sure that I am not participating in the pessimistic character as a means to prepare myself for a fall, and in doing so accepting a fall as inevitable - within this, I commit myself to when and as I see that my tonality or choice of words are pessimistic I stop and breathe and speak in simplistically and clarity, making sure that what I am saying is not contaminated with judgment or fear, but is a reflection of the physical reality as it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself pessimistically I stop myself and breathe, I direct myself to speak in stability and express what is actually here, without expectation and fear of failure.
I forgive myself for participating in the polarity of pessimism as seeing the worst and then to cover it up with a fake optimism, not realizing that investigating the point of pessimism allows me insight into myself as it exposes my fears - and so, when and as I see myself expressing / experiencing myself as pessimistic, I stop myself and breathe, and realize this I a gift of self realization if I only see it as such, and not allow myself to suppress it with either fear of positivity but to allow myself to through the pessimism, see reality and myself as is, not more nor less, not better nor worse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable within expressing myself in self judgment, not realizing that I am harming myself as I am constantly doing so, as what starts with self judgment as a means to remain pessimistic, as to make sure there is something wrong with the picture, ends as an actual self expression as self judgment had become the expression of self, due to my acceptance and participation within it. And so, I commit myself to slow myself down in breath and become more aware and notice my self expression as self judgment, and to stop myself with breath, to come to a halt, when I see myself judging myself for the sake of being negative.
FYI - one of my difficulties in this process, is that every point that opens up is huge, and takes many writings to go through - see here, the self doubt coming up "I can't do it, it's too much for me" - I breathe, and do not allow this chain of thought - and practically, I have proven to myself that consistency is the secret of accumulation, and accumulation is the secret of process - and so, even though a point seems huge, I know that if I take it on bit by bit by bit, I will cover it - and walking one step at a time, is always possible - so I know that all these useless thoughts of "ho shit, this is big" are just distracting / sabotaging me from walking this and any other point - no more - I must do this - and here I am, doing it - one step at a time.
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Sunday, March 10, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
Day 162 - Running ahead of myself
Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness
Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived
Day 165 - Enslaved to Memories – Correction
Day 166 - Enslaved to Memories - Money and Morality
Day 168 - Falling like a leaf, or following your self direction - what do you chose?
Day 169 - Decisions, decisions...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making decisions with accepting and allowing myself to exist as self doubt, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer that others make decisions for me
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to make my own decisions, and thus, exist within an accepted experience that I don't know what to do / decide and that I am helpless in face of the decision needed to be made
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do in fact know what I want to / should do, but I have hidden this from myself in self separation within accepting and allowing myself to exist as self judgment, and thus, instead of allowing myself to see in self honesty what it is that I want to / should do, I hide myself from myself and turn to others to help / assist me make my decision, within a hope that they will approve / validate that which I wanted to do to begin with, thus showing myself that I do in fact know within myself what it is that I want to do / decide, yet I will not allow myself to admit to it and stand by it as myself, in fear of failure / judgment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand by / as that which I want to do / decide, and instead I turn to others to ask for their help / assistance in making a decision, and so, within the desire / expectation that they will approve / validate that which I wanted to do but wouldn't admit that I know what it is that I want, I will react to their assistance / advice as if they validate me I will experience a relief, as a positive experience, within reaching a hidden agreement between that which they say and that which I knew I wanted all along, and on the other hand, if they give me advice that invalidates / contradicts that which I wanted to do / decide but would admit to myself, I will react in irritation / anger as I experience myself now more confused and more self doubting, within this I realize that both scenarios are within a starting point of self sabotage, because I actually know what it is that I want to / should do, but will not admit to myself, and thus exist in accepted and deliberate separation of / from myself, and within that expect / desire for others to validate me so that through their validation I can believe in myself, gain self confidence and make the decision - but within this I am enhancing the pattern of self doubt, creating a dependency on what others say / think, and creating friction and conflict when they are not aligned with what I want to or believe I should do.
I see here 3 problems -
1. I do not trust myself and rather trust the opinion / judgment / perspective of others - participating within this construct / pattern will in time greaten the self doubt and will make it harder and harder for me to stand up within myself and trust myself to make decisions.
2. when I ask for help / assistance, if I am validated, I am giving away the opportunity of questioning my decision, as I blindly accept their advice due to it being aligned with my initial want / desire / opinion, and so within being validated I experience a positive energetic experience and allow myself to stop the investigation of considering all options and looking at the bigger picture - thus, instead of taking responsibility for my decision I place the responsibility on the fact that it has been agreed upon, even without discussion - within this I see that there is a possibility to present the problem / decision in such a way to manipulate others into saying that which I want to hear - and so, this whole scenario is problematic and cannot be trusted.
3. when I ask for help / assistance and my initial want is not validated, I react, I go into a negative energetic experience as my self doubt is enhanced, I may lash out at the being for not supporting my hidden desire as I have been secretive about it due to not admitting to myself that I do in fact know what I want to / should do, and so, within reaction I will either let go my initial decision without further investigation, or I will hold onto it in spite - either way I am acting within reaction to the experience of being rejected / invalidated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for assistance in making a decision, within a starting point of manipulation and deceit, where I do not expose what I had come to within myself and thus am asking from a starting point of seeking validation and confirmation, instead of asking for assistance within sharing all that I had come to and asking for further perspective in order to get clarity of the point, as to maybe there are aspects I didn't take into consideration, this way I am not asking the other to decide for me but rather asking for assistance in considering all points in order to come to a clear decision on my own, for and as myself
Within this I realize that when I ask for assistance / advice I must first come to realize and understand what it is that I want or believe I should do, and within that clarity ask for assistance while exposing that which I see as to prevent my participating with manipulation, and this way, within hearing what the other has to say I can be more clear about any resistance that may come up and thus address it effectively, as a pose to hiding that which I see within myself and go into an argument with the other for not validating me, while they are in the dark so to speak, as I ask them for advice and now I am attacking them for not giving me what I wanted to hear. And thus abusing their assistance.
When and as I ask for advice / assistance / help in coming to a decision, I commit myself to first lay out all the points for myself and to allow myself to admit to that which I see should be my decision, then as I ask for assistance I share all that I see with the other so that they can have a clear perspective of what I am walking so that they can share more considerations that I may have missed - within this, when and as I see myself going into reaction as to what is being said, I stop myself and breathe, I investigate the point of reaction as I realize it indicates a point I am been hiding from myself as avoiding facing the point, thus, I look at the point in self honesty and forgive myself for the resistance / reaction from a starting point of clearing the point up in order to be able to see clearly and reconsider my decision now with the new consideration placed due to the assistance from the other
When and as I ask for assistance and receive the confirmation I was seeking, I push myself, through the assistance of the other, to play the devils advocate, as to allow myself to see if there are any points I am still missing, and so to not go into positive experience due to the validation of the other, but to use it as a platform to better understand the situation, as to allow myself to come to a clear and well rounded decision.
Within this I realize that I can do this procedure on my own, through writing, and thus I realize that asking for help in making a decision is but a stepping stone in building self trust, though it is not necessary, as through playing the devils advocate to my own decision making I can within self honesty see all the points, and through the assistance and support of self forgiveness walk through the resistances that I see coming up, allow myself to see the points of desires and fears that are masking the physical actuality of the situation, and come to make the decision on my own and for myself, within self trust.
I see here that I have been leaning on others to help me come to decisions that I am capable of coming to on my own, and I realize that each time I do so I weaken myself and validate the accepted self doubt, and thus sabotaging myself and my stand, instead of taking a moment, and writing the point out, allowing myself to admit to that which I want to or believe I should do, allowing myself to investigate the point in self honesty, to see where do I fear judgment or am directed by perceived expectations, and where am I limiting myself in fear or desire - here I utilize the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, and check if my decision is in alignment to this principle, thus giving myself an anchor, as a direction, in which if I follow I know I cannot be "wrong", within this realizing that my ability to see what is best for all is as limited as I allow it to be, as limited as I allow myself to be, and thus I realize that this too will be a process of expansion, but in order to walk the process I must start with where I am at, thus to allow myself, in self honesty, to be where I am at, to from here step forward, and in each step build myself up as self trust, stand up within myself, expand as I allow myself to express myself and stand responsible to face the outcomes / consequences of my actions / participations.
I realize that if I am to change, I must allow myself to step out of my comfort zone, and explore new territory so to speak, and within this, allow myself to fall, yet if I fall in awareness I can learn and expand from every fall and through it, stand up stronger within myself.
Please consider investing in the interviews done about decision making - here are the links:
Decision Making 101 (Part 1) - Reptilians - Part 156
Thursday, January 31, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to past experience as preparing farm chicken not to my satisfaction as a point of self belief that I am incapable of preparing farm chicken properly, instead of allowing myself to ask those around me and learn through a process of trial and error how to make farm chicken.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up an energetic experience of fear towards preparing farm chicken based on the past experience of myself as not being capable to do it properly, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself based on past experiences stored within me as memories, and thus allowing myself to be directed by the past as I create more and more self beliefs of inadequacy, instead of taking it into a point of practical self support as seeing what I have done and how it turned out, and exploring new ways of doing it, within realizing that it can be done, and if it can be done I can learn how to do it, I, thus, forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of giving up within believing that I will not be able to pull it off and thus, within this experience allow myself to stress within projecting myself into the future as if I've already failed, thus allowing myself to move through out my day within a heavy energetic experience as I believe I've seen the future of my failure and I have nothing to do about it but walk right in to it - I realize that future projections as seeing myself fail are not supportive or constructive in any way, as they direct me towards walking my day in energy within the self belief of being a failure, instead of allowing myself to explore like an innocent and fearless child, going into it with a sense of playfulness, as finding out what will happen if I do this or that, how will it turn out - not allowing myself to be directed by the fear of being judged as I realize how limiting this fear makes me within my participation with it
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore new ways / recipes / techniques based on fear of not making it to the liking of others, not taking into consideration that if I don't allow myself to explore new ways / recipes I will never expand within the task of cooking, and thus am limiting myself as self expression as trying new things, playing with new way, and exploring new recipes - I realize that when my starting point is based on the result, whether others will approve or not, I am limiting myself and preventing myself from enjoying myself within and as the process of making / doing it, thus, when and as I see myself going into the energetic experience of fear / worry of what others will think of the final product as I am preparing it, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body and to the physical task at hand, as the practical steps that need to be taken, I don't allow myself to entertain myself in thoughts / back chat / fear of what others will think or say, instead I focus on enjoying myself here, in breath, as I'm cooking, I allow myself to investigate the internet, cook books, recipes, and ask other people in order to expand myself and explore new way of doing it, from a playful starting point rather then a fearful one.
When and as I see myself going into an experience of stress due to fear of what others will think of my meal, I stop myself and breathe, I commit myself to immediately change myself as my starting point into playfulness and allow myself to enjoy myself within the physical actions I am involved with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to people around me who state they do not like / enjoy eating farm chicken and thus, when I have decided to prepare farm chicken I allowed myself to stress over it within the fear that they will not enjoy it yet again, within the desire to please everyone with my meal, instead of allowing myself to go into it as a clear slate, not concerned about what others will think or how they will judge what I make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic when I was cooking the chicken and they reacted differently than what I expected them to, as they became harder instead of softer while I was cooking them, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into my mind as back chat as blaming myself for even trying to make farm chicken, as using this point as proof and validation for not knowing nor being capable of making farm chicken, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for help and assistance within an experience of panic, instead of allowing myself to remain stable within myself within / as the situation, and ask for help and assistance to receive practical support as to what I should do with the chicken within a starting point of common sense practicality and not a starting point of energy as panic, I realize that the energetic reaction I have allowed myself to exist within was not supportive nor effective as it blurred my vision and restricted my ability to direct the situation -as I allowed myself to panic instead of simply walking with breath and dealing with whatever comes my way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a panic as a coping mechanism, as I have created a belief / connection that if I panic I will get people to help me because they will see me as fragile, vulnerable and helpless, and thus I have allowed myself to use panic as a form of manipulation to get what I want, instead of allowing myself to simply ask for help directly and clearly, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust the support of those around me as I believe I must manipulate them into assisting me, instead of being clear and direct and not manipulative and allow them to assist me as they are practically able to rather hen from a point of emotional manipulation, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in deliberate manipulation, in order to get others to assist me instead of walking as self honor and self respect and as such honor and respect others as myself, and not allow myself to try and manipulate them, but rather accept their assistance if granted and respect it either way if they are not able to assist me in that moment - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to assist and support myself within handling the situation - within this I realize that it is the accepted and allowed fear of failure that I have allowed to limited me by not allowing myself to trust myself enough to walk practically the necessary actions in order to "save the day" on my own if necessary - I realize that within self trust there is no place for panic nor fear, as I realize that I will do what can be done and will accept the result no matter what it is, within knowing that whatever it is I can learn from it and correct myself next time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about if there was going to be enough chicken for everybody, while at the same time was worried that I don't make too much food and have it go to waste, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of too much / too little food, instead of allowing myself to breathe and calculate practically how much chicken will be eaten, within taking into consideration that one cannot estimate exactly how much people will eat, and thus within realizing that predicting the future being impossible there is no point of stressing over it, but rather simply making a common sense decision according to the number of people that are joining the meal, within accepting that there might be too little or too much - again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the point of fear of not pleasing everybody to direct me and my experience - I realize that as long as my starting point is to please others I am existing within separation: as I separate myself from "them" as I try to please "them" in fear of "their" judgment, not realizing they are reflecting me back to myself, as it is never about "them" but always about self's relationship to self as a disguised self projection , and as separated from myself, as I'm not considering myself in the very moment as breath, as I'm allowing myself to exist in energy within my mind, as a form of as abusive relationship with myself as I allow myself to go into and participate with energetic experiences as fear, worry and stress that I have not created directly as myself but have been allowing myself to be directed by, instead of supporting myself to stand stable in breath, and walk practically, simply and effectively, as self directive principle of and as myself, and for myself and others as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within realizing there isn't enough chicken to then, instead of making a directive decision to add more chicken, I didn't allow myself to trust myself and asked for someone else to make the decision for me, thus abdicating the responsibility and avoiding the possibility of blaming myself for making a mistake as I can now blame another as they made the decision - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid making decisions in fear of making mistakes, yet I allow myself to manipulate others into making my decisions so that the blame will not fall on me, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as self trust, within making a directive decision through utilizing common sense and the assistance of others if necessary, and standing by my decision within accepting any outcome / outflow / consequence, I realize that by making decisions one places oneself in a vulnerable position if one exist in fear of making mistakes and fear of criticism / judgment made by others, but at the same time, within making directive decisions, one places oneself in a position of self empowerment, as one knows they are the directive principle, and only through being the directive principle can one calculate and estimate the situation and take full responsibility in correcting whatever needs be corrected for next time, whereas if one is not the directive principle and instead allows others to make the decision, one will never learn to trust oneself, and will never see the point of self responsibility because one was just floating around through other's decisions - I realize making a decision and taking full responsibility is vital as part of a process of self empowerment, self trust, self respect, and within this, reclaiming self's value - I thus, commit myself to build myself up one breath at a time, and push myself to take decisions, as a practical point of self support, as to face myself within making decision, to face myself within receiving criticism, to face myself within making mistakes, and to practice breathing as self support to stand through it all, to assist myself to learn from my mistakes and take them as gifts, as they allow me to explore myself from a new angle
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
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Also, Please check out the following Links:
Sunday, December 9, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
I realize I have been blaming/judging others for believing they are trying to avoid work, not realizing I am projecting myself onto them and thus distracting myself from my own acceptance and participation within avoiding work, while believing myself to be good and self righteous while judging others for being bad and manipulative, within this I realize my experience has been directed through the constant anticipation of being manipulated, within expecting others to be as manipulative as me, instead of stopping myself within manipulation and standing up within breath and simply allow myself and push myself to do what needs to be done, and not distract me from myself through judging/blaming others for what I perceive them to be doing, within the neurotic idea that they are plotting against meI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation within hiding my self interest to avoid working, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto others within the expectation of them doing the same, and thus to blame them for trying to avoid work instead of being self honest with myself and changing myself within my starting point of believing work should be avoided, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge others for that which I still participate within, and thus I commit myself to align myself with the principle of equality within give as you would like to receive and thus if I want to live in a world where people don't manipulate each other to avoid working - it must start with self first, and thus it must start with self change, and thus I commit myself to change my starting point towards work and within that I commit myself to stop myself form manipulating other for my own self interest, and only once I have changed myself I can look at others from a starting point of supporting them to see what they are participating within - but I realize I must be clear within and as myself first and stand as self trust to be sure that I am not participating within avoidance and manipulation, thus, when and as I see myself going into avoidance and manipulation in regards to work, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the back chat and bring myself back here to/as breath and walk the practical steps to get the job done, within this I commit myself to deliberately place myself in positions where normally I would want to avoid as to be able to brake the pattern and prove to myself that I am my self directive principle and that I am not limited / restricted / directed by the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the belief that work must be avoided, to have allowed myself to manipulate and deceive those around me as I try to get out of doing work, and within that expect others to do the same as me as I project myself onto them, and thus exist within an anticipation as an alert state as if waiting to be conned/manipulated
I realize that when I judge others for being manipulative I am actually showing myself that such manipulation still exist within me, and thus I stop myself within and as breath and turn it back to myself, within allowing myself to see in the moment where I am not being self honest and actually am manipulating the situation to suit my hidden self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a constant state of anticipation, as waiting to be conned / manipulated and thus communicate to others from a starting point of self defense as I defend my self interest while I am sure the other is acting from within their own self interest and thus I create a war/competition between us, as the battle of the ego, while existing within self righteousness and believing that I am innocent and they are the manipulative ones, thus I commit myself to when I experience myself in the state of anticipation towards someone manipulating me, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the practical physical reality and check my starting point to find where I am acting within self interest, and within this I commit myself to change my starting point and align it with what is best for all within the situation, and if I cannot find the point of self interest I commit myself to let go the point and not fight for it, because I realize it's become an ego battle, and all that will come out of it is friction and conflict, thus I take self responsibility and do not allow myself to participate and create more energy through friction and conflict and thus I stop myself in the moment from proceeding within the conversation / argument /situation
I realize that as long as I participate within self interest I will always create and exist within conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with others, because within self interest there will always be conflict of interest, within this I realize that by pushing through the self interest and not allowing myself to participate within it, and thus not allowing myself to manipulate to get my way, I will be able to establish effective communication with others and actually come to solutions that serve all as equals, thus serve me and them, as a shared interest within this shared earth on which we live on. Thus I commit myself to when I see myself participating in self interest, to stop myself within breath and to bring myself back here to the physical and equal reality, where we are all equal as life, and thus no ones interest is more important to be fulfilled than another, but rather the interest of life, as all as equal, is the only interest that is valid to peruse, and thus I commit myself to changing my starting point, time and time again, until living as what is best for all is my "nature" where I have built self trust and have let go of all the self interest which are based on personality as ego, and allow myself to be one and equal to all the is life
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Thursday, November 8, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
The point comes up within the interpretation of the scenario of being corrected as if I had presented myself in a specific way, that make others perceive me as special/unique/smart/interesting… and then within making a mistake and thus having to be corrected/told what to do, the bubble had burst, and it's not that they think badly of me, but they no longer think I am especially smart/interesting/intelligent/competent... I am now reduced to being just another somebody, another imperfect mortal, mistakes and all….
So the point of fear is the fear of losing the idea of myself as being special and within it, losing being seen as special. So this brings up the obvious question of why do I believe I require being special? Why do I need to be more than myself as specialness? and again, this desire to be special reveals the point of self diminishment as the core beingness as who I have allowed myself to become, where I see that due to not actually accepting myself, not loving myself, not believing I am worthy of life as one and equal to all that is life, I create an idea/belief within myself that I require being special, to accept myself, to love myself and to see myself as worthy, and within that a belief that others as myself will see it in the same way, where they expect me to be special as if to earn my right for respect, acceptance, love, my right to life. this too within the idea, as perceived belief that the value of life lies within other's acceptance of me.
Within the desire to be special there is a point of expecting to get something out of it, like being special is a key to get things to go my way within self interest, wither it is attention, acceptance, or whatever it may me, there is a belief that being special will provide me with more than not being special, thus it is seen as an asset, thus the fear of losing it, or rather the fear of exposing the actuality of myself as not being special is the fear of losing this power I believed I had to manipulate people to get things done my way.
I have realized that within equality all are equally special/unique within their individuality as their personalities of the mind, as all have different experiences/perspective/beliefs/preferences…. and within all being different from the perspective of the mind, no one can actually be special, thus the desire to be special is based in valuing some ideas/skills/experiences/perspectives more than others, through judgment, and done within self interest thus does not consider all as what is best for all in equality, no, specialness is the justification that one deserve more than others and at the expense of others.
So, in fact, being corrected is a trigger point to face myself as I see the fear of the bubble of the idea/perception of me as who I present myself to be, is bursts, and the interesting thing is that within the desire to be special, I can take the failure/mistake/correction into the polarity personality and create myself as special from the perspective of being a failure, thus always looking for points of comparison, finding a polarity I can be the most at, even if it is a "negative" most, as being most corrected, most wrong, slowest...
It's fascinating how little of who I am I actually know, and how I am like a puppet, moving through out myself, creating myself within self interest to be seen, validated, as anything, even if I had deemed it bad, as long as I can define myself by it, instead of simply being me, being the living expression of me, as life, in breath, in the simplistically of the physical reality in oneness and equality, why do I need to define myself through other's eyes, does a tree need to define itself to be? No it is what it is, no definition or interpretation or approval needed.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments
Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness
Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments
Day 74 - Spitefulness - Part 6 - Self Forgiveness
Day 75 - Spitefulness - Part 7 - Self Commitments
Day 76 - Spitefulness - Part 8 – Both Sides of the Coin - Self Forgiveness
Spite - Malicious ill will prompting an urge to hurt or humiliate.
It's funny in a way; my mind creates an idea, then my mind creates conflict within this idea, where reality contradict my idea, or when two ideas within me collide and cannot coexist without conflict, thus inner conflict, then I experience the conflict as a "negative" experience, as something undesirable, and then instead of seeing my responsibility for the entire situation which would indicate and may even result in changing my actions/behavior within realizing that I am creating my own self conflict, no, instead of doing that, I manipulate myself within/as the mind into believing that someone else is to blame and actually responsible for the conflict as the negative energy that I am experiencing, within this whole mess I believe myself as the mind, and turn spiteful towards this other being that I have projected onto them the blame/responsibility, and thus I hold them responsible for my self creation.
Within self honesty I realize another "disturbing" point, where all and everything that I experience being done to me, that I then blame and become spiteful towards, I am participating within. For instance, I resent people expecting things from me and then expressing their disappointment, and when it happens I become spiteful towards it/them, but then I allow myself to exist as the other side of the same coin where I expect things from other and then am disappointed and take it personally when they don't stand up to my expectations, and then I turn into spitefulness as well… now, the reason I react to peoples expectation is because of the construct I have created within myself when I expect from others, so when I expect from others I disregard them as the totality of their beingness and all I care about is my self interest which I want them to live by, and if they don't I am disappointed and become spiteful/resentful towards them, thus when I experience people expecting things from me I, within myself, expect them to exist as the pattern/construct I exist as, which I created in my mind, thus when I react to expectation I am in fact reacting to the construct of expectation that I created within myself and that I participate within.
So here again showing the basic law of “as within so without"as I within myself create that which I perceive to come from without me, as well as the principle of "do onto another as you would like them to do onto you" because what do is what I experience being done to me, and thus only if I do onto another that which I would like to be done onto me, will I experience that which I want to experience.
I commit myself to take and investigate every reaction I have towards another within realizing that it is showing me my own creation, and thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath and take responsibility for that which I created as the reaction/situation I am participating within.
I commit myself to stop myself from participating within the construct of expectation, when/as I see myself going into expectation I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here within realizing that expectation is based on ideas/beliefs and supports limitation while disregarding the other's beingness as the physical existence as what is here, within this I commit myself to when/as I see myself going into spitefulness, to investigate within myself what expectation I had of the situation/other which in my perception it/they didn't stand by, and within this I commit myself to clear myself from the expectation through writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements. I commit myself to stop myself from existing as expectation as what is not actually here as the physical, as life, and to bring myself back here, to the physical reality, to walk here, breath by breath, within realizing that here, spitefulness cannot exist, it can only exist as a construct of the mind, as an illusion that becomes alive as I give it life through my participation with it.
I commit myself to facing myself as the lowest point of existence, within allowing myself to face the lowest perceptions I have of self, and to from seeing the lowest and forgiving myself within self honesty, to stop the cycle of reaction when I perceive others in my environment are defining me as the lowest, within realizing that by allowing myself to be one with the lowest point, no one can then have power over me, and within forgiving myself as the lowest point I can be free of the fear of being seen/perceived as the lowest point, within realizing that the reaction towards how people see/perceive me is based on the self definition as the religion of self that I have accepted as myself, and thus "fight" to protect, but within allowing myself to let go of the positive idea I have about myself, and take on the lowest most negative points, I can in fact be free of the reaction, because there will be nothing to fear
I commit myself to stop myself from bullying others, within identifying a point of weakness and creating a situation where I can see myself as the dominator, as more than the other, I commit myself to stop participating within any pattern which is abusive/humiliating/suppressing of another being within realizing that as long as I participate within such constructs I will always perceive these construct being done to me by others, when in fact I will be experiencing my own creation, thus for these constructs of abuse/humiliation/suppression to stop, I must stop them within myself - as within so without, thus I am directly responsible for the abuse going on in the world through my participation with abuse towards others, I realize any participation with/as abuse/spitefulness/bullying towards others is showing me a hidden point of inferiority/weakness that I have accepted within/as myself, and thus I take on this point of weakness/inferiority, and investigate it as myself, not hiding from it any more, but allowing myself to one and equal to/as it, to be able to accept myself as it, and then to let it go within/through self forgiveness, to be able to trust myself that I will not be directed by this point and will not hide it within/through spitefulness/abuse
When I see myself within an emotional energetic reaction, where I feel like I can't take it anymore and want to burst out on someone else to share with me this negative energy - I stop and breathe, I close myself away and stop all interaction as I know where this is leading, and I do not accept myself to in any circumstances spread the energy like an infectious disease only for the self interest of feeling momentarily better, only to then go into guilt when the energy has passed and I am left with the awareness of what I had done. Thus I stop myself from passing on the energy of anger/spitefulness through breathing, until the energetic possession is over, thus, I commit myself to not communicate with others until I can trust myself to do so without passing on the energy to another, through being nasty/spiteful towards them, as this is simply unacceptable
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Tuesday, October 30, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments
Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness
Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments
Day 74 - Spitefulness - Part 6 - Self Forgiveness
Day 75 - Spitefulness - Part 7 - Self Commitments
Spite - Malicious ill will prompting an urge to hurt or humiliate.
Desire approval - Abuse for sense of power - Passing on the energy of inferiority/anger - Expectation - Believing I am not loved - Manipulation – Control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be approved by some people, within this desire I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect them to respond/speak to me in an approving manner, thus, when they express themselves in a way that I perceive to be as "negative" I react within taking it personally as I have accepted my self definition to be based on how I believe they see me, and thus when I believe they see me "badly" it hurts my self definition, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in regards to how others see me and thus allow myself to be directed/controlled/limited by the perception/idea/belief of how others see me , within this I see that as a result of them not giving me the positive feedback I believe I require, I turn to spitefulness/resentment, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct evil/spiteful outflow of my acceptance of myself according to how others see me, as I have placed my self definition and thus self acceptance in the hands of others and as they interact with me and how I perceive this interaction, thus not allowing myself to be self directed but rather allowing myself to be in the hands of others, not considering their entire beingness and experience of themselves in every moment, but only considering myself, and within only considering myself, when they speak/respond to me in a way that doesn't express their approval I turn spiteful
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to pick on those that I define as weaker than me, allowing myself to bully/spite/abuse them as a form or regaining a sense of power within the starting point of believing I need to regain my power due to actually seeing myself as weak/inferior/worthless, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as inferiority, which is an entire character within itself that serve my self interest of surviving as I have created myself as inferior, not allowing myself to see that the outflow of my accepted and allowed inferiority to exist within me results as the consequence of allowing myself to become spiteful towards others, and thus to create/manifest inferiority in another while attempting to regain my power, still within the polarity of superiority/inferiority, instead of stepping out of the polarity which is based in the mind as an illusion in fact and not on actual reality as the physical, and allow myself to exist as the hereness of myself, as breath, as the physical, while supporting myself and others as myself to become the living expression of/as ourselves, to live within self honesty, in equality, as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nasty towards others within spitefulness when I am aware they have done nothing wrong so to speak, but I am consumed with an emotional energetic reaction such as inferiority or anger for example, that within my experience I must pass it on to someone else to diffuse it, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pass on the energy I am experiencing to an innocent by-stander, just to feel the relief of not having to carry/experience this energy I have just passed on within self interest and complete disregard of the other human being, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by doing so, as passing on the negative experience, as to share the load with someone else, I am not actually getting rid of the problem but duplicating it, as it now exist in myself due to not actually walking through the point and allowing myself to face the reaction I have allowed myself to participate within, and now I have given it to another person, that will react/respond to what I have done/said to them, and create the energy within them, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility on my creation as energetic reaction and instead of dealing within it through/as breath within/as myself I pass it on like a hot potato, not realizing the self interest self deception of giving myself a momentarily relief to only a few moments later, once the energetic possession has passed to go into guilt for allowing myself to act within spitefulness within self interest with no justification to validate me as I know within myself that what I have done is complete disregarding the other person within their life process, as well as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness when someone doesn't hold up to the expectation I have on them, as I feel like I deserve to get something specific from them as positive feedback, agreement or participation for instance, and if I don't get what I want/expect from them, I react within spitefulness, within this, on the other side of the coin, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within spitefulness when I feel someone is expecting something of me, as I experience it as a form of limitation and as a disregard of the totality of me, and thus when one expect me to do something and expresses their expectation/disappointment I go into spitefulness and hold it against them, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have been participating in both sides of the coin, both expecting from others, and reacting to them expecting from me, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the construct of expectation as I have realized that it is based on limitation and the disregard of the totality of a being, and is based solely on self interest
Within the construct of expectation, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into spitefulness when I expect someone to love me, and express their love in a specific way that I would experience that love, and thus, when I don't experience that love which I expect to experience from another I allow myself to go into spitefulness and resent the being for not giving me the positive/validation/acceptance experience of love, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as I define myself according to how I perceive people think/feel about me, thus not allowing myself to be here in every moment as the self directive principle of/as myself, but instead to rely on others to approve/validate/accept/love me, within this I see that I expect to get all of this from others instead of allowing myself to give it to myself within building myself as self, and accepting myself as self, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate from myself to such an extent that in order to love/accept/appreciate/validate/approve myself, I believe I require an external acceptance/love/approval
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use spitefulness within manipulation as I know everyone is directed by emotions and feelings and thus I play on it and manipulate them into experiencing themselves in a specific/bad way through my participation in/as spitefulness and thus I play god as I use through manipulation my spitefulness to direct them to do that which I want, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the other side of the coin once again where I allow myself to become spiteful towards other beings when/as I see they are using manipulation to get what they want, as I have defined it as unacceptable within the value system, not allowing myself to see that I am in fact "guilty" of the same crime, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself when I act/behave in manipulative way but when others do it I use it against them and justify my spitefulness towards them, thus allowing myself to exist as two faced, not aligned with the principles/values I believe I stand by, thus creating a tare within me, as a form of separation where I always see myself as right and others as wrong, and thus within this basic belief/point of view, of always being right, I justify myself and blame them for basically doing the same thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in spitefulness when I experience myself as not being in control of a situation, where I believe someone else is directing the situation and I am simply going with the flow of things, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent the other being for being in control as I experience myself not being in control of the situation and thus I resent them within spitefulness for "taking away my power" instead of realizing that it is my responsibility to take control of the situation through/within/as taking control over myself, as being the directive principle of/as myself within my experience of/as myself, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the idea/belief/experience that someone else is too much in control and that they are to blame/responsible for my experience of being out of control, thus abdicating my self responsibility and not allowing myself to see that only I am responsible for not being in control within/as a situation and within this realization I recognize that I am responsible to see the point that I have given away my power in regards to, and claim it back through walking it within stopping the beliefs that I don't have power through supporting myself with writing the points out and applying self forgiveness and corrective statements as to pave the path before me to self change, as to be able to claim back my power that I have given away
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Sunday, October 28, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments
Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness
Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments
I realize this is just the tip of the ice burg since all these characters are a whole construct within themselves, and thus in this spitefulness series blog I am just referring to how the relate directly to spitefulness, though I realize that in time I will investigate each of them individually as to be able to stop them and the outflow of spitefulness more effectively.
Judgment - Being corrected - Not trusting - Fair game - Being miss treated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as judgment, where I scan a persons looks/behavior/words and place a judgment on them as good/bad, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself judge their looks/behavior/words based on an accepted social norm as a value system without having investigated the implications of such social norms as value system, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the social norms as a guide line to what/how things/people should be and when I find someone stepping out of these lines I judge them for it, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite that which I judge as a way to establish perceived order in the social norm and value system that is being disrupted by these being which I judge, in other words, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite that which I judge within allowing myself to be the judge and place the punishment for the disruption of order, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use spite as a form of retaliation towards that which is not aligned with the social norm that I have accepted as my own
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this judgment as a point of comparison as a way to define myself as better/worse than the person I am judging and thus to place my self definition on how I perceive others to be and how I compare to them, while not seeing the mirror dimension within the judgment construct, as I am seeing in them that which I believe I lack in myself, or that which I judge within myself, thus not allowing myself to see that the judgment is actually showing me back to myself and not really indicating anything about the other, within not allowing myself to realize this point, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go from judgment/comparison/self definition to spitefulness towards the other being, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the judgment and thus to believe the comparison as self definition, and within believing myself to be inferior/superior to the other being I allow myself to spite them as a way to enforce my power over them, either in my mind as thoughts or in actuality as words/actions, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to spitefulness as a point of actually wanting/desiring to harm/hurt/abuse this being based on the judgment I have placed and in complete disregard of them as the totality of them as life as equal to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within/as a negative energetic reaction when being corrected, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite the being that is correcting me because I have taken the correction personally, as if they have corrected me to spite me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the circumstances as how others communicate with me, and to allow myself to react to their words, as I take it personally and believe that I have done something wrong and should thus be ashamed instead of looking at the point and seeing within common sense if I can in fact correct myself within it, within the negative experience of shame I blame the other being for creating this experience within me, not realizing that I am self responsible for all allowed experiences within/as myself, and thus within believing they are to blame for my bad feeling I spite them in my mind/words/actions, wanting to hurt/harm them as to retaliate for the bad experience they gave me, thus doing onto them the very thing I took personally within believing they corrected me within spite
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite beings that I don't trust, as a form of self protection, in the sense of not trusting what they say or how they behave, within believing they have hidden agendas and thus within the fear of being conned I spite them not realizing that in fact I am showing myself that I don't trust myself to, in every moment, be able to see the common sense of the situation and direct myself accordingly, thus I project the lack of self trust onto them, as I fear trusting them, and within living in this fear I am spiteful towards them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe others should be trust worthy when I haven't allowed myself yet to build trust within myself, and thus as I don't trust others I am reminded of not trusting myself and thus I am spiteful towards the for "putting me" in this position of seeing myself as lack of self trust
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the "fair game" where I believe I am being wronged/exploited and thus believe it to not be fair, within believing "this isn't fair" I blame the other being for participating/creating the unfair situation and thus I spite them for that, allowing myself to think nasty thought about how they are doing me wrong, and allow myself to speak nasty words and act in nasty behaviors within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when perceiving someone has done me wrong to allow myself to do wrong unto them within my thoughts/words/actions and thus not live up to my own expectations of another, and not live up to the value/principle of living as what is best for all, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be supportive of another as myself only if they are worthy of it within my interpretation, and if they are un fair I deem them unworthy and allow myself to spite them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive situations as if I am Being miss treated, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take other people's behaviors personally within expecting them to treat me a=in a certain way that I have defined as good/nice, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here as breath no matter what and instead I have allowed myself to manipulate myself into emotional energetic reactions when I perceive someone is mistreating me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn to spitefulness and deliberately allow myself to miss treat others in my thoughts/words and actions as I believe they are doing to me, not realizing that by participating within/as spitefulness I am creating and recreating the cycle of abuse, instead of allowing myself to through communication and in regards to the other being in the situation, support myself and the other to clear up the point and put it on the table, so to speak, instead of going at it in my mind, that in turn effect my actions/behavior as I allow myself to treat another how I wouldn't want to be treated myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use spitefulness as a tool to pay back all of those who I blame to have done me wrong, not realizing that by participating within spitefulness I am not standing in alignment within/as myself as I do onto another the very thing I do not want them to do onto me, this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use justifications for allowing myself to be spiteful as I realize that there is no excuse, and no justification that validates being spiteful/nasty/evil towards another, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and consider that every time I am being spiteful towards another I am actually spiteful towards myself as I deliberately hurt/abuse myself within participating with the mind and thus separating me from myself, as well as creating the obvious consequences of regretting my participation within spitefulness within creating within me an experience of shame, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop spitefulness within the realization that nothing good can come out of it, all I am doing within spitefulness is feeding my addiction to energy through believing the justifications and validating and allowing myself to spite others to then spite myself within shame and regret and within allowing myself to exist in a misalignment within myself as I am allowing myself to do that which I judge as evil
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