Day 48 – Positive Reinforcement - Being Corrected

 

I've noticed that I am very reactive to people correcting me. For instance, I could be learning a new task and be corrected within making a note of a mistakes I've made, and given suggestions on how to do it better/how it should be done, or I could simply be doing something and someone would come along and instead of saying something positive they would say something that sounds like criticism, basically any statement that I interpret as if I am told that I am doing something wrong/bad/a mistake/poorly/not good enough…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected, instead of allowing myself to stay in breath and to listen clearly to what is being said, and simply apply what is being said after considering it within common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a form of anger/spitefulness when being corrected, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as anger/spitefulness within reaction to being corrected, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within/as breath and to stop all reactions as spiteful/anger within me as I realize that such reactions are not acceptable as they are not supporting me as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as anger/spitefulness/backchat when being corrected instead of stopping myself within self directed decision to stop my addiction to positive reinforcement and within that to stop my dependency on what other people thing/say about/to me to be able to direct myself in every moment and hear what people are saying without taking it personally but to use it as self support to expand myself within my application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as bad/wrong when being corrected and within this self-belief have not allowed myself to realize that I, as life, am not wrong/bad, and I am only bad/wrong if/when I am accepting myself as such within self definition due my interpretation of being corrected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself within anger/spitefulness when being corrected through "telling myself" as back chat that the one correcting me is being judgmental, within this I am robing myself from the opportunity to change/expand within looking at the correction within common sense and apply it as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my reactions to being corrected through the idea/projection that the other is being judgmental when in fact it is me tat is judging what they are saying instead of simply hearing it as the living words and applying them as such within looking at the common sense within what is being said and not take it personally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected and take it personally as if what is being said defined me as who I am, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take being corrected personally and become upset within accepting myself as self diminishment through believing I am less for hearing/receiving criticism such as being corrected, as if what is being said is defining me, as if stating that I, as who I am, am bad/not good enough, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that what is being said is simply words to be looked at, and do not define me and do not direct me unless I allow it to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotional reaction when being corrected and within the reaction I have allowed myself to go into my mind within spitefulness and blame towards the one that has corrected me, and within that I have not allowed myself to look at the point spoken within self honesty and simply walk within common sense in regards to what is being said

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that any words spoken to me cannot hurt me in fact, but can only show me self back to self within seeing my reaction towards what is being said, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take being corrected as an opportunity to face myself within points of ego/reaction and instead have allowed myself to go into my mind and justify myself within it within that not allowing myself to change within self honesty due to resistance of looking at who I am within the moment of reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a physical reaction as I am being corrected within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within/as breath as I see myself react physically to being corrected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as judgment towards the being that is correcting me instead of supporting myself within/as breath and stopping myself within/as judgment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when being corrected to experience myself as being rejected/disapproved thus confirming the addiction I've accepted as myself as the desire/dependency for positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to accept corrections as gifts to breathe through as I walk through the addiction for positive reinforcement and learn to apply myself within/as the physical within/as breath and to hear what is being said within practicality and not focus on the good/bad feeling I am experiencing because I have realized the deceptive nature of feelings and I commit myself within this to not accept myself to fall in the trap of being directed by good/bad feeling but to direct myself within common sense within self honesty within practical physicality as life

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath if/when I see myself go into a reaction to being corrected, I commit myself to stop myself as the back chat of judgment/blame when being corrected as justifying the anger/spitefulness and instead to breathe here until I have stopped the backchat/reaction and can see clearly what is being said

i commit myself to support myself within as being corrected as i realize that i can use any words said to me as a practical way to see if i am still reacting and if so i commit myself to investigate the points of reaction and to apply myself as writing/self forgiveness/self corrective statements until i am satisfied that i am self directive principle and am not directed by emotions/feelings/reaction., and can hear anything said to me and apply them within common sense as i see fit at the moment

Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement

I've come to see that any point of depression within me is indicating, beneath all the mind fuck and bullshit, that I am not applying myself effectively, that I am not satisfied with myself as life. I am showing myself that I am not standing as support of all life. And since I know this within myself, I can't stand myself for it – thus Depression.

But, instead of stopping myself within/as the mind, instead of taking the hint and standing up within rage to face myself as how I have allowed myself and the world to reach this point of abuse and self distraction, instead of standing up within the self commitment to change myself into a being that actually supports oneself and all life as myself within equality because I realize that nothing will ever change if even I can't change, instead of pushing myself to become a being of dignity, integrity and self respect… Instead of all that, I go into depression, I hide from myself deeper and deeper in my mind's deepest cave, as if hoping, that maybe, deep in the cave, self honesty will not find me.

Within this i realize the silliness of it all. Self honesty is all around me showing me the problems as they exist in the world, showing me all that needs correction, showing me how I am responsible and showing me what I got to do to change… I hide within depression hoping that self honesty as life won't find me… Is that a joke?… Self honesty is within me as me, and is all around me, everywhere in reality, self honesty is reality in fact, the physical reality, thus it cannot be escaped... So how the hell do I expect to hide from myself as life as the physical reality as self honesty? It’s simply not possible!! 

One cannot hide from oneself within self honesty, self is always here. One cannot hide, but can only postpone the inevitable, the inevitable being death, and I don't know yet what exactly happens at or after death because I haven't yet been there myself, but what I'm pretty sure about is that one stops existing within ones physical body, thus, anything you require your body to do (which is every damn thing as far as I know) you better do before your death, and since we don't know when death will be knocking at our doors, we better do it NOW.

So, I see that I am using depression to hide from myself and not take self responsibility, I realize that I have been using depression to try and avoid myself because I know within self honesty that I am not applying myself as I am able to in order to be satisfied with myself from perspective that in death I can stand within myself and face whatever judgment day that comes my way.

This is what I've seen so far as a general construct of depression, now I want to look further in specificity, to see what are the points within me that trigger this construct. One trigger point is the self judgment of being worthless as I've written in yesterday's blog, and here I will write about the point of the dependency I have on positive reinforcement.

 

There is within me a desire to be special/unique/one of a kind/the best/important/valuable/good… as long as I am reassured by people in my environment, that I am one or all of these aspects/definitions then I am "OK", which really means that with each positive reinforcement i get a hit of high/positive energy to keep me going within/as the addictions to happy/sweet/good feelings that come along with the high/positive energy. But if I don’t get it, I feel lacking and immediately allow myself to go into the polarity of believing I must be bad/unworthy/worthless/ ordinary/wrong…

Within this point of positive reinforcement I see that I require validation from others in order to assess myself, within that, when I don't get from others the positive energetic rush I am looking for through validating me, I will crash/fall into the other side of the polarity within believing that since I didn't get the positive feedback I must be the negative.

through opening this construct up, I am able to see many points I have been participating within: I've allowed myself to exist within/as polarities, to be addicted to the good/positive energetic reactions as feelings, to define myself according to a polarity construct and to define myself according to how others perceive/judge me, and thus to not only judge myself based on a polarity but to base that judgment on what I perceive others think of me or judge me for.

Through my participation within/as this construct of dependency on positive reinforcement, I have been allowing self abuse, self diminishment and self sabotage, instead of allowing the "negative feelings" to show myself back to myself in self honesty as self support, within realizing: "ho fuck, I am participating in polarity, I am allowing myself to be a slave to emotions/feelings, I am allowing myself to be addicted to positive/sweet energetic experiences and thus am allowing myself to be manipulated and manipulate others to satisfy this addiction, I am defining myself according to what others think of me or judge me for"…. I have not allowed myself to see all this as a point of self realization as self support, I have not allowed myself to stop myself within/as breath, I have not allowed myself to commit myself to never again accept myself as self abuse through stopping myself within participating with these construct/patterns… I have not allowed myself to face myself but instead I have allowed myself to fall into depression within believing the negative feelings to be "true" while not realizing that I am making it true only through my participation within it.

 

Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statements in the following blogs