Showing posts with label resistance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label resistance. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist making phone calls
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of myself not wanting to make phone calls as child
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make phone calls freely, but instead I go into an experience and expression of anxiety and cannot make the phone call with ease
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that making a phone call is in any way scary, not allowing myself to see the practicality of the situation as how safe it is since I am "protected" by the distance created by the technology of the phone, and so, in no way am I ever in direct danger while on the phone and thus the fear and resistance towards making phone calls is obviously irrational
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the irrational thoughts in my head that create the fear of making phone calls and thus, within following these thoughts I have allowed myself to limit and restrict myself from making phone calls freely and with ease irrational
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make phone calls freely and with ease and instead I have created this fear and resistance around making calls and so I unnecessarily place myself in an experience of anxiety thus, through participating in the irrational thoughts of fear towards making phone calls I am creating inner energetic conflict and turmoil, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am doing this within the addiction to energy and not because there is any common sense in the fear of making phone calls
I realize that the fear of making phone calls is a manipulation of my mind to create energy as the inner conflict that arise within me through wanting to make a phone call but then resisting it due to fear and so I realize that this fear is not serving nor protecting me but instead it is limiting me from expressing myself freely and effectively, thus, when and as I see myself go into the fear or resistance of making a phone call I stop myself and breathe, I take some deep breaths and remind myself there is nothing to fear, I am perfectly safe on this side of the phone.
Within this I allow myself to look at the specific fears that come up and reassure myself that they are fictions of my imagination through the illusions of the mind and do not bare any truth as within the physical reality
and so, I commit myself, when facing the fear of making a phone call, to forgive myself in that very moment and within breath, to pick up the phone and make the call, thus proving to myself that I am self directed and am not directed by the mind as thoughts, fears and self limitations. Within this I commit myself to investigate the points of fear and within self forgiveness to clear myself from all and any points that do not in fact support me as life and instead sabotage me from expressing myself fully and living my true potential .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making phone calls because I imagine in my mind the scenario of not getting across and having communication problems and in the end being rejected, and so, to prevent this imaginary imagination I will avoid making the phone call, not realizing and seeing the physical truth that if I don't allow myself to make phone calls in fear of hearing a possible no, I am actually preventing myself from hearing the yes, and so instead of supporting me in preparing myself better I am actually sabotaging myself from ever getting closer to that which I want, thus I realize, see and understand that by preventing myself from being rejected, within the belief that I am protecting myself, I am in fact harming myself and preventing myself from achieving anything substantial, thus, I realize that when and as I need to make a phone call and I see the fear of calling come up, and the back chat / thoughts as all the reasons and excuses why I should avoid making the call, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body, to the physical reality and see what is practical and within this I see that making the phone call and facing the possible rejection is the only way I can get closer to achieving my goals, while not making the phone call in fear is a certainty to a life of regret.
So the choice is clear, there really isn't any choice, within self support I must make the phone call, within self honesty I can only choose self honesty, and thus, I cannot allow myself to be directed by the fear any longer, I commit myself to when facing such points of fear, to stop and breathe, to prepare myself to the best of my ability within realizing that only practical application will perfect me, and so I cannot be as good as I want to be in my mind without walking the physical steps as actually doing it practically in the physical and through practice to improve and prefect my performance.
Monday, March 25, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
in the past few days i have been walking in writing the point of the experience of overwhelming resistance that has been coming up within me - i have been giving my power away to the resistance to take over me, i have been entertaining the resistance as i try to resist it and push through, but i end up giving up and allowing myself to be directed by it - and so each time i end up giving up - the resistance grows stronger, like bacteria that learns to be tolerant to antibiotics - each time i i don't push through, but just "give it a shot" only to then give up - the next time around the resistance is stronger and i am weaker...
a specific point i have been resisting is the writing of commitments statements, because i already saw that i am not actually applying myself, and so i didn't want to place in writing that which i already knew i will not stand as - and so, what i found here is that i have been writing corrective statements that are too "airy fairy" and not down to earth, and also not correlated to where i actually am within my process, like i would write commitments that i simply cannot stand as, setting myself up for failure - anyway, from airy fairy commitment i went to no commitments because i couldn't stand anymore writing them and knowing within myself that there is no chance of application, so now i am walking the process of stopping the resistance and pushing through as well as placing common sense and practical commitments that i can walk, that are grounded as to where i am in my process
i realize there was, and still is, self judgment towards "where i am in process" so this is another point to let go and not allow it to sabotage me - i guess i am learning to see the difference between the judgment that is me showing myself that i am being self dishonest and i better get my act together or i will live a life of shame, guilt and regret, and thus, i can use the self judgment as a tool, as an indication of where i must correct myself, so i can grow and expand and learn from it - and then there is the self judgment that it's only purpose is self punishment, self abuse, self diminishment, self sabotage - all within comparison to others, or to ideals i have created, whereas this self judgment is not valid as it is not supportive in anyway, and thus must be stopped.
so, here is some of my writing - i'll post it in sections as i continue walking / writing it out. i started with writing some points out for myself about wanting to change and walk this process but not wanting at the same time, and as i was writing about it all the reactions and resistances came up, so i had a cool opportunity to write about my experience in the moment, writing the resistance as the resistance was in my face. then i broke it down and added self forgiveness, and now i am writing for each self forgiveness statement a corrective statement, though in some cases more points open up...
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I "feel" like doing rather than directing myself according to principle as a directive decision
When and as I see myself going into the experience of "I feel like / I don't feel like" I stop myself and breathe, I realize I cannot trust myself within following what I feel / don't fee like because it is not within considering the actual reality, not considering myself and my best interest as life, and thus not considering what is best for all as life - I realize that within following what I feel / don't fee like I am compromising myself because it always leads to a path that is not self supportive in all ways, a path that is in some way self abusing and compromising / disregarding others, as it's an attempt of self interest, though it is only short term self interest, and so, I realize that by following what I feel / don't feel like, instead of following the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life, and directing myself within self honesty, I am existing as the problem in this world and in my life, instead of standing as the solution, as a living example of how, if we all stop existing / following what we feel / don't feel like, and instead consider the physical reality, consider each other, and follow a principle that direct us to self support and support others as ourselves equally, to bring about a world that is best for all life, and exist as self honor, self respect instead of shame and regret.
Thus, I commit myself to, when I see myself going into the experience of wanting to do what I feel / don't feel like, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical as my physical body within breathing, and I ask myself what would be more beneficial in the long run, what course of action would make me experience regret, what is aligned in self honesty / self responsibility and what is in self interest - and within considering all these points, I remind myself that I am worth walking through some resistance for
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled and directed by what I feel like or don't feel like doing, not realizing that I am allowing myself to be directed by the mind in self interest, as the interest of the mind, as I have realized and seen that when I follow my "what I feel like or don't feel like" it is never actually in my own self benefit as self support, it is always a short lived satisfaction followed by consequences of regret, guilt and shame, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my "feel like it and don't feel like it" instead of living within and as principle as the director of myself, within making a clear decision as to who I want to be and commit myself to myself, rather than allowing myself to follow blindly my mind, into self sabotage
when and as I see myself going into the experience / character of wanting to do only what I feel / don't feel like, I stop myself and breathe, I take a moment to look at the outflow / consequences of my actions (or lack of actions in the case of "I don't feel like), I ask myself in self honesty if this course of action will lead to shame, guilt and regret, and if the answer is yet, I commit myself to find another course of action that is aligned with who I am in self honesty, a course of action that is self empowering, self supportive and that is not harmful or abusive towards myself or others in any way. I realize that it will be hard at first, but the more I empower myself in not following what I feel / don't feel like, it will become easier, as I will become the directive principle of myself, as not following a random experience / thought / desire, but follow myself as who I really am, as walking a course of action that is actually in my best interest, and not in the interest of the mind as short term satisfactions generating energy and followed by the polarity of shame, guilt and regret.
Within this, I commit myself to "go easy" on myself, as to walk at my own pace, no expectations based on comparing myself to an ideal, but to actually walk in self honesty, and each day push more, but not push more than I can from a starting point of self judgment - and so, I commit myself to walk this process within gently embracing myself, as nurturing a struggling plant until it is standing stable as a strong tree
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk this process within the starting point of self, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to truly walk it for myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk it within the experience that I am being watched / judged and thus within fear of judgment, within fear of "what others will think about me" I allow myself to be motivated only when I know that someone will see if I don't do it, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing others in situations where I believe they would judge me or see me for my weakness, such as within my giving up, not realizing that it's not them that I need to explain myself to, it's myself, and they are only reflecting to me, as I am projecting on them, my own expectations, judgments and disappointments of and as myself.
*** this is a hard one for me- lots of resistance - back chat "how can I change from walking this for others to walking it for myself? How do I find that point of doing it for myself?"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the back chat as "how can I change from walking this for others to walking it for myself? How do I find that point of doing it for myself?" as the truth of me, and to believe that changing my starting point is something I don't know how to do, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect there to be a big and dramatic "doing" when it is actually a simple/small/delicate change in intention, there isn’t a doing besides making the decision within self and living it as self expression, it's a point of awareness, of intention, and so, the idea that I don't know how to do this cannot be real, because if I have it within myself to see the point as a problem / question, I must have it within me as directing my awareness as a solution
and so, when and as I see myself going into the experience character of walking this process / my life from any starting point other than for myself as myself as self support, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here in breath to my physical body, I realign myself and check / ask myself why am I doing / about to do / not doing , what is my starting point, is it fear / desire / pleasing another / expectation, within this I commit myself to, as I stop and take a moment within breath to investigate myself here, to direct myself according to what I would do as self support, what would I do if I were the person that I want to become, as a self responsible self respectful being that supports oneself and all life equally as one - what would I do then?
I realize that any fear of judgment is reflecting my own self judgment, and thus, I can use the self judgment that comes up as an experience of being judged / watched, as a supportive tool within my process, as to allow myself to see what am I judging and within self honesty to make a clear decision whether this is a valid point as showing myself that I need to step up my application or it is not a valid point as it is within comparison and self diminishment - and so, when and as I see myself going into fear of judgment from others, I stop and breathe, I realize I am facing an opportunity of seeing myself as I am reflected within this judgment, and thus I stop and take a moment to look at the point in clarity and within breath, and allow myself to decide / chose a new course of action that will support me and will be aligned with the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk my process within a starting point of self, as self support, as realizing that this is how I can give myself back to myself and rebirth myself as self honor / respect within taking self responsibility for / as myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of walking this process for and as myself I have been walking it in projecting my own self judgment onto others and fear that judgment, and thus walk within the attempt to avoided receiving this judgment from others, and thus only do that which others may see and judge, while not do that which is truly for myself, even though I see, and I know that I have not walked the point, yet I have created myself in separation of myself to a point where I do not see that it is me that I am walking for, and thus disregard my seeing of self, and only allow myself to be motivated / moved by others seeing me
I realize that any point within me is pointing out a relationship I am holding within myself, and am restricting / limiting myself within this relationship, as I exist in relation to the point, in separation of/from it - I realize that within walking my process in an attempt to avoid any judgment from others what I am showing myself is that I am not ready / willing to face my own self judgment, and I am actually hiding from it, from myself, and so, in a process to becoming one with myself, I must use all of myself that is here in order to see / face / know myself, and so, when and as I see myself doing anything within a starting point of what will others think of me, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself within breath in self honesty, if I can do this within the starting point of self support as what is best for all life then I will go ahead and do it, and if there is no point of self support and it is only "for others" then I stop my participation - and so, I use the initial point of projected self judgment as a tool of self support, as to investigate what I am doing and participating within, and deliberately in awareness changing my starting point to be for / of / as self.
I realize I have been existing in an idea that this stuff should happen magically, I didn't consider myself as being directive, I didn't understand what it means, and now I see that it is a point of being here with myself, having my awareness here with myself as the physical, and so by asking myself questions I am bringing my awareness back here as the first step in making a directive decision and living it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of resistance due to reading an email with a suggestion for an assignment
I realize that when my relationship towards something changes due to reading an email it is not me directing myself in awareness but am allowing myself to be directed / controlled by the mind in energy, and so, as it is of the mind and not a physical fact / reality, I have the choice of participation, and so, I realize that such points are a point of transformation, as only by walking through the resistance of the mind will I claim my power back, and so it must be done - when and as I see clearly that my actions / experience is suddenly changed I know it is a mind reaction and thus I breathe and direct myself to continue with what I had planed / decided upon prior to the mind possession, and so, I either take a break to write and breathe and clear myself form the possession, or I simply push through in that moment - thus, when I see myself reacting, as changing my entire experience towards the situation / a point, I know I am not self directive but am allowing myself to be manipulated by the deceptions / self interest of the mind, and so I stop and breathe, focus on my breath, and direct myself to return here to myself as my physical body, as this is the highest priority - returning to myself in breath and stopping the back chat that is fueling the mind / energy - and so I stop and breathe and don't participate in back chat, I return here to my body in breath and breathe until I am stable to make a directive decision as to where / how to continue.
I have found that I always know that I am running away, as I am running away, and so the problem isn't noticing what I'm doing, the problem is to actually take the moment and breathe, and be strong enough to change the direction of my actions, and this strength comes from self care which will be built the more I care about myself - it's a loop the feeds itself - the more I care about myself and act in self support the more I will actually care and the more strength I will have for the next time,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to walk this process as to understand this point of why / how I am allowing myself to be directed by resistance, and yet not be willing to actually walk it, as, not be willing to take the time and walk the practical physical steps that it takes to accomplish the task, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize the practical physical steps required to actually walk the point, and thus I allow myself to "oh, I want to do this" without taking into consideration and actually accepting the practical physical steps that are required to be walked, and so, when the steps are here for me to walk, as to sit and do the writing, and face myself, and breathe, and slow down, and open up… I resist it, because it isn't what I had signed up for, because I was living in an idea, as an illusion, of wanting things and hoping that just through wanting they will manifest magically, and thus not be ready to actually walk the point into creation.
I realize that anything that is to be walked in the physical will have to be walked through a process in space time, and thus, nothing will be immediate as magic, which is a cool indication as to recognize what is real and what is of the mind, for what is real will take time as a physical process, whereas within the mind I can go from happy to sad without any process just by being triggered in a moment - and so, when and as I see myself or my relationship to the situation or another being change in a moment, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is a mind trick and is not real as a physical change, it cannot be trusted and thus I mustn't participate with it as an act of self integrity, and on the other hand, when I see a point requires time, effort and attention within a physical real time/space reality process, I may investigate if this is a point worth walking, because it has "past the test" of realness as it is aligned with physicality as a process that actually takes time and effort - when and as I am faced with walking a point that requires time, effort, dedication I realize this is something real and as such, deserves my investigation of whether to participate or not, and if I decide to participate it is within realizing that anything worth doing will take time, effort, dedication, as that is how the physical moves
*** this point is hard for me - unclear - resistance!!!!!!! I am totally restless!!!!
I am breathing, did a handstand -now I continue
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be directed and distracted by this background noise of resistance as discomfort, instead of directing myself within force and not stopping until I push this resistance away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any excuse to be valid as a justification to take a break and stop, not realizing that every time I give in to excuses / distractions / justifications I am setting the bar higher, and next time I will have to walk through a greater excuse / justification, as this will not end until I end it - and so I realize if I want to stop dancing this dance with resistance, I must stop playing it hard to get and actually stating a clear and steady NO. (lol, I like the analogy)
I realize as long as I don't stop and direct myself it will only get harder and harder, I realize it will be hard and painful and thus to support myself in pain and discomfort I have breath, and so when and as I experience pain and discomfort I within breath see if I am resisting something of what I am doing or intending to do, and if I see there is a point of resistance, and that my physical body is expressing this resistance for me to see, I push myself to continue in breath, despite the discomfort, as I have directed myself to do so, and then once I am done or satisfied I am done for the moment, then I investigate the point of resistance. Or, if the discomfort is overwhelming, I stop what I'm doing and investigate the resistance as the expression of discomfort / pain in that very moment, as to find the source / reason and clear myself form it so that I can continue.
Now, lets see if I can do this now - my legs are giving me great discomfort - this is the main excuse coming up within me as to not continue writing - the last statement I was working with was in regards to actually physically doing what needs to be done in the physical, as for instance sitting by the computer for hours and actually being focused and effective, it's a point of grounding myself, as not to stay in the fantasy of desire / good idea, but actually come down to earth and do what it physically takes to get this point done in reality, it's a slowing down and coming down from the cloud, it's a point of laziness - so, it's a combination of not wanting to let go the fun of getting excited about ideas as well as not wanting to let go the laziness as an excuse to not manifest these ideas, as I want to manifest them but do not want to commit myself for the effort - so the resistance is not wanting to let this go - do I enjoy this construct? No I don't! why not? Because I end up doing nothing, I am a bitch to my resistance, so I am a dreamer and not a doer, always wanting and having ideas that I can't create because I have never allowed myself to physically build the bridge.
This point has been a major issue for me, I always lived within a self definition that I lack the ability / intelligence / skill to build the bridge that will bring me from the idea to the manifestation of it. And now I see that this construct that I have accepted as myself even though it has brought me much suffering and frustration, I do not want to let go of - who will I be if I am capable of building this bridge? Why am I terrified of the idea of not existing in these limitations, why do I feel like these limitations protect me in any way - like there is something scary of being a success, being capable - it's like there is an inner knowing that if I let this down I will have no excuse and will be able to do anything - and this thought freaks me out.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, March 21, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the self forgiveness statement yet leave them "bare" and not complete them with the directive understanding, decision and commitment as to how I would change practically
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that only self forgiveness is not enough for self to change - one must actually walk the correction in the physical reality as the expression of self, whereas the self commitment statements allow one to see and prepare self as to how one would do so, within and through writing the point as a self corrective statements, one can see more points of reaction within self, and more specific details as to what / when / how / where one must do to correct oneself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write self corrective statements within a starting point of not trusting myself that I will actually do them, and thus to exist within a self belief that I will let myself down and within this belief I do not push myself to even try because I fear failing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self judgment for failing myself, and thus, instead of giving myself the opportunity to write the commitment and to see how I handle it, to then allow myself to learn about myself through whether I apply the correction or not - instead of allowing myself to try and learn from what I now perceive as a failure, I have not allowed myself to even try, and so I avoid the possibility of failing- but within this I destroy the possibility of actually changing
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this is a process, and within this process I am preparing myself through the tool of writing of self forgiveness and corrective statements, and thus, when I go into self judgment for not applying the corrective statement I am participating in the mind within not trusting myself and the process as myself, and within expectations which only create another relationship and thus personality in regards to my own application, tying myself down to another pattern of thought / emotion / feeling / back chat, instead of releasing myself - and thus, within this I realize that I must walk this process without the burden of expectation, but within giving myself the time and dedicating myself to the application, as to do what I can do in the moment without the future projections as fear and expectation, that hinder my self application here.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been writing commitments in self dishonesty, from the perspective of not writing commitments that I can in fact walk as who I am, but writing them as a future projection, as what I would commit myself to when / as I change - but, in order to "get there" I realize I must draw the map for myself and then walk it, and by drawing the next piece of the map, without walking where I am, is another form of self sabotage, because obviously I cannot walk where I am not - I can only walk from the point I am at.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be more than myself within writing commitments that are not aligned with where I actually am but rather with where I want to be, which on the one hand it's cool to know where I'm going, but on the other hand, in order to get there I must be willing to admit to where I am now without judging myself but simply within realizing and facing who / what / where I am at this very moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself within my process in writing commitment statements that do not reflect where I am at now and thus do not support me in walking from where I am here, but rather create a situation that I cannot walk the commitment as I am not "there" yet, and so I create frustration and resentment within myself towards myself my experience and my process - while all could have been prevented if I were to write within self honesty, within realizing this is a process, and committing myself to the process, to myself, to walk from where I am now, within allowing myself to see where I am now, and not within wanting to be someone / somewhere that I am not - as that is self dishonesty and creates consequences as inner conflict / friction
more on this point to come…
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, March 14, 2013
A must hear: 
Where does Self-Judgment come from – from the World around us, or from our own Imaginations?
Has your Self Image negatively influenced your life? Here we discuss How Self Judgment takes over every aspect of your Life, Thoughts and experiences.
Why would we say things to ourselves that we would never dare to say to another?
Why do we feel like we deserve to be punished through our own self judgment and how does the media contribute to this feeling?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a starting point of not being good enough, as a self doubt that I allow exist within and as me at all times, as a voice in my head doubting any idea / project telling me I am not good enough to do it to my satisfaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and participate with the voice in my head telling me I am not good enough, and to direct myself accordingly as if this voice is speaking the truth of me, not allowing myself to question it, to investigate where did this thought as this voice in my head come from, where / how did this thought was created and why am I believing it unquestionably to be true.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing myself to not be good enough, within existing in self doubt, to place myself in positions that I have defined as inferior such as being "the assistant" and thus, through placing myself in such positions to validate for myself my own self belief of not being good enough to lead / direct any situation / job / project, and thus exist within an endless loop of believing myself to be inadequate and placing myself in positions to prove myself right.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to brake this loop of self created inadequacy, through pushing myself to take responsibility - as in to deliberately place myself in a position that I must stand up from, that there is no one to lean on and that I must take responsibility and direct myself within it - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to brake this loop and prove myself wrong, and within this to start building myself up as self trust
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and thus place myself in positions of inferiority, to then exist in inner conflict due to having sparks of clarity / insight which then, when I want to express and share, I feel like I can't, because I have limited myself in a position that I believe doesn't allow me to share / express myself as I have defined the position as being inferior / useless / unworthy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the position of being an assistant as less than / inferior, and thus allowing myself to exist as and participate in inequality, within believing the "head" is more valuable than the "rest of the body", believing some positions in a project are more valuable than others, and thus, i have defined myself according to the position I have placed myself in, within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that when doing so, I am looking only at a partial part of the loop I have existed within, as believing that I am experiencing myself as inferior due to the position I am in, when in fact I have defined the position as less than as a reflection of my own self created experience within allowing myself to exist as inferiority / self doubt as the beingness of myself, thus not realizing that I make the position rather than the position makes me - and thus, if I, within myself, believe and accept myself to be and exist as inferior then that is what I will make out of any position, whereas, if / when I change myself and stop allowing such self created self sabotaging beliefs to exist within and as me , no job / task / project will be too small for me because I will stand up within it and make it into that which I am - thus, if a job / task / project seems small it is merely showing me that I am allowing myself to believe myself to be small - as showing me back to myself rather than reflecting on the job, my relationship / judgment towards the job is reflecting myself to see myself, to be able to forgive myself / correct myself / change myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I'm writing these words and statements, resist writing, within fear of change, as I fear taking self responsibility I fear daring to stand up and stop deliberately placing myself in positions that don't require / expect me to take responsibility and to stand up as a leader of the project, and thus, within accepting this fear as who I am, within believing this fear to indicate some form of truth of me, I allow it to direct me as resistance towards writing, as a resistance towards change - though, I realize that this fear must be investigated in order for me to understand it, to become clear in regards to why the hell have I allowed myself to exist within and as this fear all my life - and within understanding it change will be possible - thus I realize that it isn't about changing myself from where I am now as fear into a self responsible self directive being that still holds on to the fear yet pushes through - as that seems impossible, like jumping into fire - it's about investigating the fear and within understanding the fear, it's source, how I created it, to realize that the fear isn't real, and through this self honest realization, not as knowledge but as real realization, I will more easily be able to let the fear go - I say this because from where I am now not fearing seems impossible, but it's because I haven't yet investigated the fear, once I do, I will know more clearly how to direct myself within it, or shall I say, direct myself to get out of it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility within fear of failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that failure is real, not realizing that failure is invented as an idea to create fear, and thus the two loop around each other, one creating the other, both an illusion that I am bringing to life through my acceptance and participation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking the lead, to fear taking responsibility of a project within believing that I am not good enough and that there must be someone else that will do a better job, and I should just back them up as their assistant rather than doing it on my own
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this approach is indicating I am humble and modest, when in fact it is not within a starting point of humbleness but rather of a starting point of fear and self diminishment, as humbleness would be to take responsibility and accept the lead of any project, but if someone else comes forth that may be more qualified then in humbleness I will back down and learn from them, rather then what I have been doing is on the one hand not taking the lead / responsibility in fear of failure, and then "allowing" someone to take the lead while actually using them as a cover up for my deliberate avoidance of the task.
within this, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that end up taking the lead, as they are reflecting to me that which I am not allowing myself to be, and thus within resentment I exist in competition, but it is a battle I allow myself to lose to then believe myself to have given up the "thrown" in humbleness - talk about self delusion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into believing I am a "good person" for letting others take the lead, not allowing myself to see that I have been avoiding taking the lead / responsibility in fear and self doubt, and thus I have created an illusion of myself being humble / good person as to justify and validate my avoidance of taking the lead, instead of facing myself for who I am in self honesty and allowing myself to see that I am not humble nor am I good, I am allowing myself to exist in and be directed by fear - this allowance makes me un trustworthy as I am not allowing myself to be the directive principle of / as myself and thus within not being the self directive principle I am allowing myself to be unpredictable as I am motivated by energy as fear and desire instead of directing myself clearing and steadily within alignment to the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life, including myself.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by a resistance towards writing, and thus, instead of making a decision to write and follow it through in the physical, I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted and lured away by this resistance, yet I haven't directed myself to investigate it, thus allowing this mystery force to take me over and direct me, and I have done nothing to take control and self direct myself back to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly / powerlessly / passively follow the experience of resistance towards writing, without investigating the specifics as to find myself within them, as what exactly am I resisting, why am I resisting, what do I not want to face, what do I fear facing, what point of responsibility am I avoiding? All these questions must be asked and answered by self - but instead I have allowed myself to be sucked into the heart of the storm, where the more I allow myself to get sucked in, the harder it is to come out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drift further and further from myself with every day I allow to go by without pushing myself to write - I realize, because I've seen this before, that when I allow myself to follow the resistance and be directed by it, and allow myself to not write and not support myself through writing, what happens is that I become weaker and weaker with every moment of such allowance - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within the principle of "prevention s the best cure" and in the first moment of seeing me going back into the pattern and excuses of not writing, to stop myself and push myself to write, write anything, just to get out of the possession of resisting writing, to support myself through self discipline within understanding the consequences of not writing is that I become weaker within myself, as the mind possession becomes stronger and stronger, and I experience it as I become more emotional, more reactive, and less stable - where as when I write daily, and face myself daily, and push myself daily, I experience myself more stable, and more aware of my reactions / emotions and within this awareness, I am less moved by them, more directive - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of the value support of self writing due to identifying with the resistance, even though in common sense I realize that the resistance isn't me, because it doesn't not serve me as life
When and as I see myself resisting writing, as I see that I am not standing in my self agreement to write daily, I breathe and investigate the resistance through writing, as I have done here, within this I let go the point I am resisting but rather allow myself to let go the resistance as to support myself initially in getting back to writing and facing myself, and then, once I've started writing I can go back to the initial point that I have been avoiding and investigate that as well.
When and as I see myself resisting writing, through practically not applying myself in writing, I realize I must push myself to write because I have seen the support writing gives me and on the other hand, I've seen the self destructiveness of not giving myself the support of writing - I realize it is a slippery slope and I must support myself from sliding down there, I thus, commit myself support myself in writing, within realizing that I can either support myself or sabotage myself - there is no middle way, and nobody is doing it for / to me - it is all my doing for better or worse - thus, in order to build self trust, I must be consistent in supporting myself, like with taking care of an animal or child, one must be consistent with ones support, one cannot feed the child / animal irregularly, and if one does the child / animal will not trust them, as they have neglected them in the very basics of their necessities - thus, I must treat myself as I would a helpless child / animal - as I am helpless to the mind's control, unless I take self responsibility and stand up for myself - thus, in order for me to trust myself I must support myself consistently, and care for myself consistently, where as at the moment I have found that writing these points out, clearing them out through writing, applying self forgiveness and finding practical solutions as self corrective statements is the support / nutrition I require, thus, I must give myself this support, or else how will I ever trust myself, and further more, how can I ever be trusted with life if I can't even support / care for myself effectively?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within participating in the resistance towards writing, to go into a physical uncomfortable experience and use it as a physical excuse as to not write, not realizing that the physical uncomfortablility is the result, as an outflow, of my participation in the resistance, where I have used it to justify not writing as if it was the cause, thus manipulating myself and deceiving myself, instead of supporting myself and my physical body through realizing this construct and pushing through it as to not let it direct me and not allow myself to manipulate myself - within this I realize that my physical body is supporting me to self realize, and thus, when I am feeling physically uncomfortable it is my body's indication to me that I have gone too far with mind participation and I must stop now, thus, when experiencing physical discomfort I stop myself in the moment and breathe, I utilize the four count breath to support myself into stability, within investigating the "why" and "how" of my participation in the mind, thus, when experiencing physical discomfort, instead of using it as an excuse, I use it as self support, as a physical cross reference to understanding what I am participating with, I write myself out as to define the experience in words, as to understand myself better, as to draw a map of myself to better understand the construct / program that I am going into, and within understanding I can stand up and step out of it.
I realize what I'm writing is guidelines, and will not be transcended in one moment, but will take many times of practicing these points, pushing myself to walk these points, thus, realizing this is a process of space / time, this means that it will take physical corrective application in the physical, thus space, and accumulation of corrective application in time, for me to transcend these points - thus, I realize that there is no point in going into experiencing overwhelmingness, and simply walk with self dedication - I realize that if I don't dedicate myself to myself, in self support, I am leaving myself abandonment, because no one else can support me but myself, no one else can dedicate themselves to me, but myself - I realize it's only up to me to support myself to free myself from the abusive enslavement of the mind, to change and become a being of self respect, self honor, and within this, to be able to respect and honor all life as myself
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