Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Monday, May 20, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run and rush and within this to forget to breathe and thus to forget myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan my day in such a way where I end up rushing from one place to the next with out leaving myself any time to breathe
I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to move from one activity to the next while not being here in breath and thus separating myself from myself as breath and from the activity that I am participating in, within this I realize that I can walk through my day within breath in every moment and still tend to all activities doing so from a starting point of being here within and as self within and as breath
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow down within the activities I am participating in, and thus, to not allow myself to walk them breath by breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a form of anxiety as I move through out my day, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush within the anxiety as if to get it done with and finished with, instead of stopping myself in the moment the rush / anxiety comes up, and within breath move myself to complete the task / activity within awareness of my breath as the hereness of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a sense of importance as I rush through out my day, and thus from a starting point of ego and importance I sabotage myself and do not allow myself to slow down and breathe here, within the justification that what I'm busy with is so important, I must rush, and thus allow myself to distant from myself as breath
I commit myself to practice being here in awareness as breath within everything I do
I realize that building this self awareness as breath as the hereness of myself will take practice and consistency, and thus, I commit myself to return to breath time and time again
I commit myself to make note of flag points that come up through out the day, and to use them as reminders to stop and breathe and return to myself here
I commit myself to when I am typing my writings of the day, to slow myself down in breath, allow myself to be here as the words I type
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to even be here within and as myself as breath, and thus miss out on the one important and valuable thing in life - breath - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself with a sense of importance in regards to everything I do in my life, and thus to distract myself from myself as breath into the mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all that I can do for myself at this stage is to support myself in returning to myself as breath, to build myself from breath as life - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still be tempted and lured by the mind as desires and fantasies and back chat and judgments, and to instead of stopping my participation within and as the mind, I still allow myself to go into it and entertain myself with it - even though I have seen and realized that nothing good can come out of it
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Sunday, May 19, 2013
I just found some writings i had done when making the decision to leave the farm, re-reading it was interesting because i could see that I wasn’t honest with myself, not allowing myself to see what i want, because it clashed with what i expected myself to want, and within not admitting to what i want, i couldn’t investigate it and find the misalignments within it - the one thing I missed is the possibility of staying at the farm and changing my application - I was judging myself for not applying myself and my time there not being valuable, realizing that I am not being effective, but instead of changing myself I changed my location, within doing so, taking myself as the pattern of ineffectiveness with me, now - I could have stayed and applied myself and pushed myself to change and become effective and consistent, but instead I indirectly directed everything to leave on may 11th, within this, i used a conversation i had with bernard as the greatest justification to come to the decision that i did, not seeing that all he did was show me that which i wouldn’t allow myself to see, though only now i realize that, at the time i thought it was him approving and supporting my decision.. lol… so in a way i used his words to validate my decision when in fact his words only allowed myself to see who i was in that moment, and within not realizing this at the time, i simply went with that which i saw i wanted instead of investigating it and making sure it is the best decision i could make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to leave the farm instead of staying and making the decision to become effective
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the change I must push myself to walk as to become effective will be the same on the farm and here, and so all I did was postpone changing, bringing myself into a potentially harder situation instead of utilizing the support system I had at the farm
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this points clearly and within it to support myself in realizing that staying at the farm and applying myself effectively would be more supportive than leaving and walking the point of changing myself into becoming effective, here in the system - within this, I realize I can only walk the consequences of my past decisions, and so it is still up to me here as I walk to change myself and become effective, and it is still up to me to utilize the support that is available here for me, and so, I realize that it's not a point of making a mistake whether to leave or not, but simply a point to look at and learn from for making decisions in the future, and within this to realize that it really doesn't matter if I'm here or there, because either way I am here, with/within/as myself, and must walk all the points equally - so, really no harm done - only an eye opener.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct my decision from a starting point of excitement and desire, and thus not within common sense and practicality as making sure that all the points are in place effectively before moving to the next step
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the eagerness I experienced was actually a "fear of missing an opportunity" as I have experienced once before, thus allowing past events to direct me instead of directing myself here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry along with me the past event of missing an opportunity and thus to proceed in hastiness from a starting point of fear of missing out, rather then practicality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of missing out instead of realizing that by existing within the fear I am manifesting it into reality as I have proven to myself many times, that, that which I fear will manifest by and from the fear itself - and so, I realize that any step I take within the starting point of fear is bringing me that much closer to the failure / missing out / disappointment I fear so much - and thus - I stop myself here, and commit myself to investigate all points of fear in order to not follow them blindly but to through the fear, see more clearly and develop self honesty
When and as I see myself going into fear, and being directed by fear, I stop myself and breathe - I realize the fear will always only manifest itself into reality, and thus will never actually support me as who I am as life - and so, I commit myself to, when I see fear as part of my decision making, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here, I write out the point and within writing it allowing myself to be self honest within myself and see deliberately and directly that which I am missing and not allowing myself to see as the fear.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to know what I want and thus ask for advice when actually I know what I want to hear and feel a relief when I hear what I want - and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be honest with myself as to see that which I want, even and especially when it is not what I expect myself to want as it clashes with my expectation of what I believe I should have wanted
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and practice this realization that I must first be honest with myself as to see who I am in the moment, who I am within my relationship to a point, in order to from there see what I am allowing myself to be directed by - in other words, as long as I don't allow myself to face myself and see in self honesty who I am, I cannot correct myself and align myself as self support as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself who I am as what I want / desire / believe / hope within self judgment as expecting myself to want / need / desire / hope something else, not realizing that it's not what I want but the construct of the want that is the problem so to speak, and thus, the judgment towards one desire implies that another would be valid, thus validating the participation in desire of mind, rather than realizing that all desires are equal in their separation, and thus, as long as I exist in the realm of the mind as want / desire / believe / hope there is no point of judging myself but rather seeing it for what it is and letting it go within understanding that I, as life, do not require want / desire / belief / hope as separation from / as myself
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Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by a resistance towards writing, and thus, instead of making a decision to write and follow it through in the physical, I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted and lured away by this resistance, yet I haven't directed myself to investigate it, thus allowing this mystery force to take me over and direct me, and I have done nothing to take control and self direct myself back to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly / powerlessly / passively follow the experience of resistance towards writing, without investigating the specifics as to find myself within them, as what exactly am I resisting, why am I resisting, what do I not want to face, what do I fear facing, what point of responsibility am I avoiding? All these questions must be asked and answered by self - but instead I have allowed myself to be sucked into the heart of the storm, where the more I allow myself to get sucked in, the harder it is to come out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drift further and further from myself with every day I allow to go by without pushing myself to write - I realize, because I've seen this before, that when I allow myself to follow the resistance and be directed by it, and allow myself to not write and not support myself through writing, what happens is that I become weaker and weaker with every moment of such allowance - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within the principle of "prevention s the best cure" and in the first moment of seeing me going back into the pattern and excuses of not writing, to stop myself and push myself to write, write anything, just to get out of the possession of resisting writing, to support myself through self discipline within understanding the consequences of not writing is that I become weaker within myself, as the mind possession becomes stronger and stronger, and I experience it as I become more emotional, more reactive, and less stable - where as when I write daily, and face myself daily, and push myself daily, I experience myself more stable, and more aware of my reactions / emotions and within this awareness, I am less moved by them, more directive - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of the value support of self writing due to identifying with the resistance, even though in common sense I realize that the resistance isn't me, because it doesn't not serve me as life
When and as I see myself resisting writing, as I see that I am not standing in my self agreement to write daily, I breathe and investigate the resistance through writing, as I have done here, within this I let go the point I am resisting but rather allow myself to let go the resistance as to support myself initially in getting back to writing and facing myself, and then, once I've started writing I can go back to the initial point that I have been avoiding and investigate that as well.
When and as I see myself resisting writing, through practically not applying myself in writing, I realize I must push myself to write because I have seen the support writing gives me and on the other hand, I've seen the self destructiveness of not giving myself the support of writing - I realize it is a slippery slope and I must support myself from sliding down there, I thus, commit myself support myself in writing, within realizing that I can either support myself or sabotage myself - there is no middle way, and nobody is doing it for / to me - it is all my doing for better or worse - thus, in order to build self trust, I must be consistent in supporting myself, like with taking care of an animal or child, one must be consistent with ones support, one cannot feed the child / animal irregularly, and if one does the child / animal will not trust them, as they have neglected them in the very basics of their necessities - thus, I must treat myself as I would a helpless child / animal - as I am helpless to the mind's control, unless I take self responsibility and stand up for myself - thus, in order for me to trust myself I must support myself consistently, and care for myself consistently, where as at the moment I have found that writing these points out, clearing them out through writing, applying self forgiveness and finding practical solutions as self corrective statements is the support / nutrition I require, thus, I must give myself this support, or else how will I ever trust myself, and further more, how can I ever be trusted with life if I can't even support / care for myself effectively?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within participating in the resistance towards writing, to go into a physical uncomfortable experience and use it as a physical excuse as to not write, not realizing that the physical uncomfortablility is the result, as an outflow, of my participation in the resistance, where I have used it to justify not writing as if it was the cause, thus manipulating myself and deceiving myself, instead of supporting myself and my physical body through realizing this construct and pushing through it as to not let it direct me and not allow myself to manipulate myself - within this I realize that my physical body is supporting me to self realize, and thus, when I am feeling physically uncomfortable it is my body's indication to me that I have gone too far with mind participation and I must stop now, thus, when experiencing physical discomfort I stop myself in the moment and breathe, I utilize the four count breath to support myself into stability, within investigating the "why" and "how" of my participation in the mind, thus, when experiencing physical discomfort, instead of using it as an excuse, I use it as self support, as a physical cross reference to understanding what I am participating with, I write myself out as to define the experience in words, as to understand myself better, as to draw a map of myself to better understand the construct / program that I am going into, and within understanding I can stand up and step out of it.
I realize what I'm writing is guidelines, and will not be transcended in one moment, but will take many times of practicing these points, pushing myself to walk these points, thus, realizing this is a process of space / time, this means that it will take physical corrective application in the physical, thus space, and accumulation of corrective application in time, for me to transcend these points - thus, I realize that there is no point in going into experiencing overwhelmingness, and simply walk with self dedication - I realize that if I don't dedicate myself to myself, in self support, I am leaving myself abandonment, because no one else can support me but myself, no one else can dedicate themselves to me, but myself - I realize it's only up to me to support myself to free myself from the abusive enslavement of the mind, to change and become a being of self respect, self honor, and within this, to be able to respect and honor all life as myself
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Thursday, February 7, 2013
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog Day 155 - Desperation - How will the world ever change?, where I express my desperation towards the condition of the world and blame others for creating it, while not taking responsibility and realizing my part in creating the world as it is - in the following blogs I will be walking in self forgiveness the points that had opened up through writing the previous blog, as my first step of actually taking self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept unquestionably the information I receive through the main stream media and from social conversations / gossip / arguments, instead of allowing myself to investigate the points through cross referencing with other forms of media to allow myself to become aware and see the entire picture as what is actually going on in the world around me, and thus, to take responsibility for myself within and as the world / reality I live in and to within that take responsibility for the world as myself, instead of blindly placing my trust in the media to present accurate and unbiased informational facts, and in the governments to work within the best interest of the people as humanity and the world as one, and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to actually know what is going on around me in the world / country I live in, and within that to abdicate my responsibility to act on it, thus, stepping back and away from my responsibility of fully participating in life, as my responsibility of being an informed, active and contributing human being, as a citizen of the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a bubble, where I do not listen to the news as to not hear about the problems that are going on around me, from a starting point of "it doesn't concern me, I don't really care" and thus, to allow myself to deliberately exist in ignorance as I ignore what is going on all around me, as a reflection of that which I am allowing to go on within myself and am ignoring and suppressing myself just as I am ignoring and suppressing the problems of the world in order to continue one more day to exist in my bubble of comfort , as I pretend that what doesn't effect me directly or that I don't know - doesn't concern me, while in fact, by deliberately not informing myself I am placing my vote for anything to go on as it is, as if saying everything is cool the way it is, while knowing in self honesty that it is far from ok, both within myself and without as the world system, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore in ignorance all the abuse and suffering because I believe it doesn't concern me because I have created a comfortable life for myself, and myself alone, within existing in the bubble of illusions separate from what is really here as the physical reality, and within it I don't want to inconvenience myself with the problems of others, as well as my own inner problems, thus , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a bubble isolated from the world as the physical reality that is shared by all equally and is created by all equally and thus is the responsibility of all equally, as well as existing in isolation from myself in suppression, not wanting to face the nastiness of myself just as I don't want to face the nastiness of the world, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as "ignorance is bliss", when in fact, in self honesty I know that there is nothing blissful about the physical reality as it currently exists as, which I have allowed in my silence, as well as there is nothing blissful about my self experience, beyond and beneath the act of comfortability.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I'm not part of the solution I am part of the problem within giving my permission in my self interest silence, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow atrocities to exist as I give them permission by not standing up to stop them in the justification that "I am not aware / capable / knowledgeable enough to do anything about it anyway and thus let me let others that are more qualified than me to take care of this world, while I sit in my comfortable life in ignorance", within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by giving my permission to atrocities to continue undisturbed, I am responsible for them, and from that perspective they do indeed concern me, they concern me from a perspective that within self honesty I know that I am allowing and accepting them to continue, within self honesty I know I much more capable and able to do something, speak up, writing a blog, and thus, within self honesty I know as I am doing nothing, that I am doing it within self interest, and thus, within self honesty I know the shame I am to experience when I allow myself to ask myself why did I do nothing? Why did I allow this? Why did I abdicate my responsibility and chose the easy / self interest way out through deliberate ignorance?
Thus, I realize that when abuse is taking place I can either stand equal to the abuse in self interest, or I can stand equal to life - where standing equal to the abuse can take the form of deliberate participation or deliberate ignorance as both allow the abuse to continue undisturbed, where as standing up equal to and as life, in standing up for life, I would take all measures necessary to expose and stop the abuse, to change the system so that such abuse will no longer be seen as accepted or justified, and to change myself into the living expression of life, as oneness and equality, in being a living example as living within and as the principle of what is best for all life, thus, not allowing myself to hide from the news in deliberate ignorance, but to inform myself, to educate myself, to take responsibility for myself, to no longer see myself as less than the world events but realize that I am in fact one and equal to all that is happening in the world, and in every breath I have a choice if to live this breath accumulating myself as deliberate ignorance as I ignore the abusive nature of this reality, or I can chose to accumulate myself as a responsible being that is working towards a solution, both within myself and without as the world system as a whole.
When and as I see myself go into an experience of resistance towards reading the news, within experiencing myself as not interested / bored / don't care / couldn't be bothered / "I have better and more important things to do" / "I don't know anything about politics I will not understand" - or any other excuse and justification to not take the time to inform myself of what is happening in the world around me - I stop myself and breathe - I realize that I must inform myself as to what is happening in the world around me which I am a part of and equal to, and responsible for whether I am aware of what is going on or not, through deliberately allowing myself to live in a bubble of ignorance, thus, I commit myself to become informed with world events, through reading daily news articles from different sources, I commit myself to educate myself through reading, investigating and cross referencing points of knowledge as to have a wide and unbiased perspective which will then allow me to be able to work towards solutions, within realizing that I must open my eyes and ears in order to know what is actually physically here as the problems of this world, in order to assist in finding practical and livable solutions that can be implemented in the physical reality as to assist humanity as myself to walk a process of correction from the abusive nature we exist as into a corrected, improved and perfected nature of self support, as an expression of "love thy neighbor", as living and expressing in every moment the principle of what is best for all life equally.
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Sunday, February 3, 2013
This is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Day 152 - Inadequacy – Preparing Food – Part 3 – Farm Chicken
Day 153 - Inadequacy – Creativity – Part 1
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my expression based on the self belief that I am not creative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my expression as bad / inadequate and thus within the self judgment to believe that I am not creative and am incapable of creativity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define creativity to a very narrow range of expressions, and within not seeing myself as good at any of these expressions, such as drawing, painting, writing, sculpting, I have defined myself as not creative, and within this have limited myself from expressing myself in any form of what I define as creative
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing that I'm not creative, to avoid from expressing myself in any way that I've defined as creative within fear of judgment, as I knew within myself, as a future projection, that I would be judged and thus I never allowed myself to try and express myself unconditionally
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that creativity as self expression is not defined as right and wrong, and thus cannot be judged, and that any form of judgment is based on the construct of the social system we exist within as a reflection of our society and ourselves as the mind, but it, the judgment, isn't in fact real, because creative self expression is not limited to how or what society has defined as creative, it is in fact any thing we do in self expression, as in self expression we are creating something new based on who and what we are in this very moment, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my self expression because I wanted to fit into what society has defined as creative, and thus, within knowing that my expression doesn't fit this definition I have made the decision to suppress myself and never expose any thing that could be seen as creative, thus not allowing myself to express myself unconditionally within simply enjoying myself within my self expression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define creativity according to a starting point of judgment, instead of realizing that creativity is derived from creation, and thus any thing that one does if done from a starting point of self expression is creative, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self expression due to the narrow definition I have given creativity, within allowing myself to be directed and controlled by fear of judgment, within defining myself on a polarity scale of good and bad, better and worse, and thus, within defining creativity as good / bad, I have judged and defined my own self expression as what I do as creativity on the "bad" scale, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see that I have created this chain of events as I have unquestionably accepted societies definition of creativity, along with the judgments I have placed on creativity as good or bad, I have accepted the judgments as truth and defined myself accordingly within believing I am not capable of "good" creativity and thus limited myself and have not allowed myself to express myself within anything I have defined as creative due to accepting and believing the future projection of failing, being bad, and being judged for it, to direct and control and restrict and limit me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and within doing so to define myself as inadequate, instead of seeing what I can learn from them within a process of expansion within equality, and thus asking them to show me and help me improve my skill instead of deeming myself to believe I am less than and can never live up to their level of talent, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the easy way out, as I have allowed myself to compare myself and defined myself as less than but have not allowed myself to push myself to improve and expand within putting in the effort and actually moving myself as self support to expand beyond my current limits thus accepting my own limitations and then whining about it within my back chat and internal conversations because I truly believed myself to be less than and inadequate, instead of seeing that I have not even tried, and only within trying will I know what I can or can’t do, what I am more naturally inclined to do, and what I enjoy doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support this self belief through comparing myself to others that I see as more creative than me and then, within comparison I am less than, and thus believe I am incapable of ever being at "their" level of creativity, which is a self sabotaging belief as it causes me to back off from life, as I allow it to direct me to not express myself, not put myself out there and basically exist in self suppression because I have created a self belief that my self expression is not worth expressing, based on fear of judgment as I have allowed myself to be directed by fear of judgment, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within cautious and fear instead of allowing myself to live freely as myself as self expression within and as breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the self belief of inadequacy in regards to creativity and to project it onto all aspects of my life, as I have used it to prove myself as inadequate as the general personality / character of myself, as I've used it as another proof that I am worthless, instead of seeing it as it is, as some people are more inclined to do some things and some things may come easier to some people – I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it only seen as worthless in a world where competition is the only value and that the only thing that is worthy is only “the best”, within a scale of judgment that is accepted in that world within society as we know and accept it - but I haven't consider and allowed myself to see that such a world is a world not worth living in, as it doesn't support all expressions and all beings equally - I would rather live in a world where expression is not judged as better or worse by a specific scale that is changeable as it doesn't really define what is real, and instead create a world that supports all expressions within the principle of equality and oneness, as all expressions when coming from a starting point of self, are equally valid, and equally contributing to our world - we can never know where the next cool idea will come from, we can never know where the next breakthrough or fundamental solution will be found - thus, by limiting ourselves within our self expression due to judgments and competition, we are restricting and preventing many opportunities of growth for all of us as humanity, and for the individual that is existing in suppression and fear of judgment.
This isn't the world I want to live in, yet I have been allowing myself to participate in the very construct that creates it the way it is - thus, I stop. I commit myself to walk through my accepted self judgment through writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, I commit myself to investigate all points of self judgment and the suppression I have allowed within/through it, I commit myself to explore myself within self expression, and when I see a point of resistance within fear I commit myself to investigate the point and correct myself within and as the physical. I commit myself to stop myself within and as breath when I see myself going into judgment towards other people's expression as I realize that by judging them I am creating a fear within myself towards being judged, as well as I am not living the principle of give as you would like to receive, thus I commit myself to investigate all point I judge other people's expression and within a process of bringing it back to myself, to see the point in clarity and correct myself within it, as I change myself in alignment as what is best for all
I commit myself to give myself some time during the week and explore myself within sketching as a point of self support, as sketching within and as breath, within directing myself to learn to enjoy myself within it and to stop the judgment that come up towards what I do, I realize that I'm not doing this to achieve a "pretty" result, but instead from a starting point of letting go the self judgment and allowing myself to simply utilize another form of self expression as a point of self expansion as self support
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Saturday, February 2, 2013
This is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Day 152 - Inadequacy – Preparing Food – Part 3 – Farm Chicken
Since I was a child I "knew" about myself that I'm not creative, not talented in the arts and crafts. My sister was, my best friends were, and I wasn't.
I remember drawing in class at school, and always feeling frustrated when I would compare my stick like images to my friend's realistic and accurate drawings, it has always been an accepted joke between us friends, mocking me for drawing these round faces and stick like figures, all very symmetrical, no creativity whatsoever. Back home it was the same, my sister never made fun of me but she could draw and doodle so nicely, she would paint on the walls of her room and I was always jealous of her talent, comparing myself to her and knowing within myself that I could never do anything as pretty as that.
The lack of talent I saw myself as, included not liking my hand writing, and of course I compared myself to my sister and my friends, which had such nice and "girly" hand writing where as I had messy and unclear hand writing, like a boy's. So basically any form of artistic / creative expression using my hands as tools I would judge as less than those around me, and condemned myself to believe I am inadequate.
Years have gone by since that drawing class memory or since my sister doodled on her walls, though I still held on to this self belief of being inadequate when it comes to creativity within any form of artistic self expression through using my hands, as drawing, writing, painting, sculpting - anything that I had packed up in the definition of creativity -it didn't include crafts that I didn't define as creative such as sawing or hammering or cutting, with such crafts / skills I didn't have that self believed inadequacy, it was very specific to anything I defined as creative and girly. It's like I've taken anything that I define as creative / artistic and girly, put it in a locked box, and threw away the key - truly believing that I don't have any access to such expressions.
A few years ago I decided to walk through this self belief because I saw everybody around me enjoying themselves through self expression creativity such as drawing - it looked fun when other people were doing it and I saw that I was limiting myself based on self judgment and that I actually never really gave it a real chance, so I went to a 6 meeting sketch class to learn the basic skill and maybe allow myself to open up to the point - I just wanted to learn to enjoy myself through drawing, I didn't want or expect to be any good at it, I just wanted to be free of this self judgment that has been preventing me from enjoying myself through drawing .
During the class I still participated in lots of self judgment based in comparison and competition, but there were moments, when I let it go and just allowed myself to sketch, and I remember this one time I was sketching a pine cone and it suddenly popped out from the paper and came to life, it was so awesome, I couldn't believe it - I had done it, I broke the "I can't draw to save my life" character, as I have finally proved it wrong.
A few weeks later I drew my "master piece"- I copied a photograph of a child's face from a book, and when I was done and put down the pencil, I couldn't believe I drew it, I put it on my wall and stared at it, I could have easily convinced myself that a spirit came through me and drew it, because "I could never have done something so nice" - I realize that even though I broke the character, I actually didn't - being able to draw was so out of character for me, that I couldn't take it in as myself, I experienced it like an inner conflict between my self belief and this picture hanging on my wall - of course I don't believe some spirit drew it through me, and I realize it was in fact me who made that sketch, but the experience was of disbelief, like a form of shock, I couldn't really accept that I did that, within it I also experience a form of doubt as to whether I could ever repeat it again. I did try drawing since then, but didn't give myself the time to do it properly and then I just lost interest - I think there was / is a fear within me that I end up proving to myself over and over that my self belief was wrong, that I am not inadequate - I wasn't ready to let go of this point of inadequacy, so I didn't continue drawing and kept on to the belief that I can't.
In the last 10 years I've had some experience with working with children, and even though generally speaking I am confidence in working with them, when it comes to creativity the experience of inadequacy still takes me over, and I sabotage myself through not creating the posters / signs / activities within the justification that I am incapable of doing them properly, if any task requires any level of creativity I still, to this day, allow the experience and self belief of inadequacy to direct and control me and I do anything to avoid doing it. "I don't want to do it", because I still "know" it will turn out bad, I am left frustrated that doing such tasks is a part of the job - I still compare myself to others that creativity comes easily to them, I then project the comparison and experience of inadequacy onto the entire job, and compound it into believing that I am not fit to work with children because I am not creative enough.
I will continue with self forgiveness tomorrow
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Sunday, January 20, 2013
this is continuing my previous blog
Day 143 - Inadequacy
When I was a kid I went to a high level gymnastics class, I wasn't a professional gymnast but it was geared towards competition, I remember it being very demanding - I enjoyed the physicality within it, but the teachers were harsh, they wanted to make competitors out of us, so they really pushed for excellence, I was corrected a lot and pushed to always be better, work harder and run faster… looking at it now, I think that's where I developed my resistance towards running cause they kept telling me I don't run good enough, they said I run as if I'm running on egg shells, trying not to brake them, instead of giving it all that I have and really going for it before making the jumps.
Another point that I connect to that class is my relationship to my body - I was rather big compared to other girls my age, not fat but not a skinny kid, which gave me the advantage of strength, but I didn't see that at the time - there were two other girls with a very skinny body structure and were very good gymnasts, and I would compare myself to them, I always felt big/fat in comparison to them, in my perspective they were on a whole different level than me, like there wasn't even any competition because they were so good, so much better than me, I felt clumsy and inadequate, like I don't belong, like my being there, at their lever, must have been a mistake. I looked at them exercising with amazement, and then compared myself to them as being less than them by far... Obviously I didn't consider how long they have been practicing, I just compared myself to them and judged myself as inadequate.
I stopped going there after a few years when they were talking to me about competing, there was no chance I would do it, the thought of competing at that level was terrifying to me, I knew within myself that I wouldn't be good enough and didn’t want to try, why would I try if I knew I was inadequate and would most definitely fail. I left and then went to exercise at another gymnastic class but it wasn't as good, not as challenging, it was just for fun which was cool, but it was a down grade in a way, after that I quit gymnastics all together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an experience of being inadequate, based on comparing myself to others that I perceive to be better than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the energetic charge of the memory of feeling inadequate as a child gymnast, and carry with me the feeling of inadequacy into other aspects of my life - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of this experience to influence me through out my life as I have allowed this memory to be another brick on the wall of myself, as another layer of defining myself as inadequate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inadequate based on the teachers telling me I don't run good enough and within that to go into inferiority and frustration because "this is how I run" not giving myself the opportunity to learn, improve and expand within realizing that I might not know how to run effectively at the moment, but through practice and integrating the tips from the teachers I can improve my running as any other skill, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and understand the natural process of learning a skill where at first you are a beginner and thus you will make mistakes and be corrected in order to learn and improve yourself through practice, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of embracing the corrections and perfecting myself, I have gone into an experience of inferiority and thus believing myself to be inadequate
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the effort others have out in, in order to perfect themselves in regards to a specific skill, such as running, and thus, without seeing the effort and time they have put into it, I compared myself to them and came to a conclusion that I must be inadequate because they are so much better
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to the two girls in my gymnastics class and to judge myself as less than them, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing comparison and self judgment to direct me to a point of giving up because I had already judged myself as a failure due to the comparison, though I haven't allowed myself to see the physical reality as the learning curve one must walk to improve themselves in any skill, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rob myself from the opportunity to improve and perfect myself within gymnastics because I allowed myself to go into an experience of inadequacy and within believing myself to be inadequate I gave up on even trying and just accepted my limitations
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inadequate and as such I have not allowed myself to push myself to improve, expand and perfect myself within the skill of gymnastics, as within believing myself to be inadequate I have already given up on myself, and thus accepted myself within limitations,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my own limitation, as the point where effort is involved, a point where I would need to push myself in order to improve and expand in, a point where I judge myself as less than other in comparison to them, not allowing myself to see the effort they had put in, in order to get to that point, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that I am limited while not realizing that I have created my own self limitation through believing myself to be inadequate in comparing myself to others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as who I am in comparison to how I perceived others to be, instead of realizing that I can never actually compare myself to another because I never can actually know what they have done, how they have walked, what is their starting point, what is going on in their mind, how much they have worked for what they have, what they have done to achieve it, how they experience themselves and so on, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a one dimensional image in my mind, that is supposed to represent the being I am comparing myself to, and through looking at that image I compare myself to aspects within the image, not realizing that an image is but a very narrow and partial part of reality and thus doesn't actually represent reality - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to an illusion, and within doing so, to judge myself as less than the illusion, thus putting myself down and as a result giving up within an experience of inadequacy, not realizing that I was very much adequate and capable but have sabotaged myself through comparison and accepted self limitation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect effort with inadequacy within a created belief that if I am able to do something is should be able to do it with ease, thus not realizing the reality in which we live in, where as appose to the mind where everything is magical and easy, as you can imagine yourself to be and do whatever you like in a moment and with no effort involved, in reality it simply isn't so, as the physical reality as a space time existence requires a step by step movement, thus to get anything done, to acquire a skill and to perfect it, it all takes time, effort, practice, dedication and consistency, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the laws of the physical reality and thus to judge myself within the belief that if effort is required it indicates I am inadequate, and thus have not given myself the opportunity to improve, expand and perfect myself in any skills
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fool myself in believing that having to put in effort indicates I am inadequate, within allowing myself to question this assumption, as this assumption really made an ass of me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the manipulation within this belief as it is much more convenient to not have to put the effort and move through life in ease, thus I have used the self belief of being inadequate as a justification for giving up and thus not having to put any effort in, though I haven’t realized the price I would pay through creating myself as the character of inadequacy, and I didn't realize the destructive consequences it would have on my life, as I have participated in creating myself as weak, powerless and limited, instead of walking through the points of effort and empowering myself to stand as life and walk through any obstacle fearlessly within the realization that I can do anything if I walk the practical physical steps towards it
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