Showing posts with label deception. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deception. Show all posts
Saturday, July 20, 2013
I just realized that I have been trying to be obedient all my life, trying to "please the master" to get the approval of the authority. Not wanting to get in trouble and experiencing myself as being watched, as if "big brother" will see if I stray from the suggested path and will be punished.
When I was young I would call my dad to tell him I was skipping school, I saw it as an act of responsibility but really it was an act of abdicating responsibility, my rational was that if I get in real trouble it's good they know where I am, because I’m just a kid, but really I was too afraid of making the decision and standing by it without the OK of my dad, so in essence I asked for his approval so I wouldn't bare the weight of the decision to "do something wrong" by myself.
Many times I will ask for permission, just to be sure, while others around me would have just gone ahead and done it, and then when I receive a negative answer to my request I have a valid excuse not to step out of my comfort zone and do it, because "now I can't do it because I had asked directly and was disapproved, so I cannot" while the reason I didn't go ahead and do it to begin with was not because I actually thought it was wrong, but because I know "they" might think it is wrong and then I will not have their acceptance and approval, and that always had more value than going ahead and doing what I want, expressing myself and enjoying myself. I always wanted to be seen in a good light.
Now I am facing a similar point - I want to do things the right way, as I was taught to do them, but at times I question what I have learned and want to apply myself in another way - then comes up a point of trusting myself enough to “defy my teacher”, because if I do it my way I am the sole responsible for my actions, whereas when I follow their instructions I can always blame them for me not succeeding, so I know that if I do it my way it’s all on my shoulders, whether I make it or not, and to add to this point then there is that other point of approval, where I want the teacher / instructor to approve my way and say "yes, sure go ahead with it" as if asking for permission to explore my own self expression, to take risks and learn from my own mistakes - and I also realize there is a fine line somewhere between not allowing myself to follow instructions because of ego as wanting to do things my way, and not following instructions in a starting point of over coming the fear of taking full responsibility for my actions. so I guess I’m still struggling to actually see clearly the entity of my starting point within it all.
I have been working with a someone that is creative and exploring options that I am reluctant to explore because they are beyond the suggested realm, and I don't want to be spotted out as going beyond the suggested instructions, i want to be obedient, but at the same time I admire this other person for feeling so free to explore and that indicates to me that I have been limiting myself from expressing and exploring myself due to fear, and thus I realize that I must explore both new avenues, I must allow myself to follow instructions as to make sure I am not directed by my ego within the desire to be special and do things MY way, I must also allow myself to explore new avenues and to overcome the fear of being looked upon badly by the teacher / instructor / authority, I must also allow myself to explore and take full responsibility for the consequences whether "good" or "bad", because once I stand alone beyond the suggested territory I must be able to stand clear within myself and know for myself why I chose this path, to be able to trust myself that regardless the outcome I will not regret the way - and whatever happens to learn from it and apply myself then from within my new learning and realizations, to the best of my ability in that moment, within understanding that with every “mistake” i grow and learn and expand my understanding so next time i can take a different more effective route – but i must learn through expressing, exploring, falling and learning.
I feel confused because I have created such a complex web of dishonesty that no matter in which direction I take a step in, I am facing fears and reactions and thus now see to what extent I have been motivated by fears and reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell the authority that I am doing something else than suggested within a starting point of asking for their approval and validation and thus not taking full responsibility, thus, when and as I see myself informing an authority of my actions while not asking for feedback or help but just informing them, I stop myself and breathe, I realize this is a point of deliberate manipulation rather than direct communication – thus, i stop myself in breathe as I do not allow myself to share with them from within the starting point of not taking self responsibility for my actions, within this I allow myself to evaluate the situation and to see if I am not willing to take responsibility I must look at the risk involved and reconsider whether what I am about to do is within common sense and the starting point of what is best for all or is it just acting out a desire that might lead to consequences. And so I breathe and slow myself down, and make a clear decision within and as myself whether I am standing behind my actions or not, and accordingly I act, within taking full responsibility and allowing myself to be accountable for my actions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being caught as doing something else than suggested, and thus will not allow myself to explore new ways and perhaps find practical alternatives, not allowing myself to make it "my own" within adding myself as my own self expression into the activity, and so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict myself and suppress myself from expressing myself and bringing myself in my true totality, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to contribute through my ideas and expression and exploration because I have not allowed myself to step beyond the accepted and agreed upon territory, and thus I have deprived myself from the opportunity of self expression and exploration and have deprived those around me from whatever idea I might have had that could benefit all, just because I fear being seen in a bad light, not realizing that those seeing me in a bad light which I fear and avoid their judgments are not actually judging me but themselves, and those who are not judging themselves will find a supportive way to show me if I am out of sink or am doing anything that is not practical or supportive, and thus I realize that the only way I can actually get the support of others is if I allow myself to step out of the confinements of approved territory so that I can either grow and expand or make mistakes and learn from the correction - but from suppression I will not learn a thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do things my way because of ego as wanting to be special and take all the credit, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that doing things "my way" just for self interest is not valid, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value the experience of others and allow myself to walk the repaved paths, not blindly but with open eyes, to be able to only once I have tried and openly seen where that path leads, to then practice critical reasoning and apply myself accordingly as allowing myself to be part of the accumulation of knowledge that has created our world, and thus to contribute not within ego but within practicality and from actual experience and personal knowledge
Monday, March 11, 2013
Going through some memories, I have noticed a pattern of allowing myself to be the butt of the joke, presenting myself as being cool about it and laughing with everybody, while actually taking it personally, though not daring to express this, because I so desire to fit in and be accepted as one of the group, I thus suppress myself in self judgment and instead accept and allow this to continue, allowing myself to experience myself as being abused again and again, when all along I am the one abusing myself through judging myself for taking it personally and yet allowing the situation where I experience myself being abused to continue, and not making a stand to stop it, not stopping it within myself as to not take it personally, and not stopping it without as not accepting words / behavior that are of an abusive nature.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be called by nick names within a starting point of the idea that nick names are endearing, and thus, within the desire to be accepted and loved I will allow to be named by nick names even when they are abusive in nature from the perspective of them putting me down - within this I realize that no name can put me down, and any experience of being put down by a demeaning nick name is a reflection of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as inferiority, within this I realize that my reaction to any given nick name is a window of opportunity for me to explore the reaction, forgive myself and let go the construct, as inferiority, that I am showing myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, when given a nick name that does not stand in equality to me, as it is an expression of superiority / inferiority within it's starting point as expressing diminishment / belittlement, to stand up and stop participation within and as the nick name, as to ask the person to stop using this name, and to stop laughing from the name - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, even when I have realized the nick name does not stand within equality, within it being an expression of diminishment / belittlement, to continue allowing it, and continue participating with it - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow and participate with the given nick name within a starting point of wanting to be accepted, within the idea that it isn't cool to take such things personally, and I am better off laughing with them, and presenting myself as if I don't care, in order to gain their acceptance, and not cause friction / conflict within standing up and asking / demanding them to stop using such a demeaning name.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with and allow being given an abusive nick name within the starting point of wanting to seem cool, as if I don't mind and am not taking it personally, within this not standing in equality within and as myself, but rather trying to be and present myself as that which I am not, within this not realizing that by doing so I am suppressing myself and in fact not accepting myself in the moment of taking it personally, thus separation myself form the experience of taking it personally and deeming it as "bad" / "wrong", not realizing that only through allowing myself to be one with that which I am, will I be able to walk a process of self introspection, self investigation, taking self responsibility into self change, into true self acceptance - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by not allowing myself to admit even to myself that I am taking it personally, I am robbing myself the opportunity to self investigate in self honesty why I am taking it personally, as the first step in the path for self change as to eventually not take such things personally as I will know who I am and will not be moved by such mockery.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by allowing myself to be named in diminishing nick names in order to be accepted, I am diminishing myself - as I am compromising myself as equal within the desire to be accepted at any cost, and thus I place myself as less than the group in order to experience myself fitting in within the idea that standing up for myself will not be accepted by them, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief / notion, that to be accepted into a group I must first stand in humbleness, but I have defined humbleness as weakness / inferior, and thus believed that I must stand in inferiority in order to be accepted, as to not threaten anyone, as to not be intimidating, and within this I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by doing so I am not allowing myself to express myself and thus whether they accept me or not, it isn't me that they are accepting but rather a character I have created as myself, an illusion of myself, and thus I am placing myself in a position, that I must maintain my deceptive character in order to maintain the relationship that has been based on my own deception, yet I cherish it in the desire to be accepted at any cost.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify using abusive nick names as being a joke, even though I know that the starting point of such names is abusive, and thus not acceptable, I realize that I have used nick names towards others from a starting point of diminishing them, and have justified them to myself as being innocent, while in fact it was not, it is an expression of evil and must be stopped, from both my participation as the giver of the nick name and the receiver - such silent and seemingly innocent abuse must be directed and stopped, as it is unacceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as easy going and cool, thus, within existing as and maintaining this personality I have not allowed myself to stand up and expose this hidden abuse that is existent within and as such nick names -not standing up in self interest of not wanting to ruin the image of being easy going and cool, within believing that only through presenting myself as this personality will I be accepted, within a belief that once accepted by the group I will be safe from being called names any more, as I will be one of them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept shit thrown my way, whether it is done deliberately or not, within wanting to maintain an easy going / cool image, within hiding the fact that I am taking it personally and would like it to stop - within this, I realize that it is my responsibility to investigate any reaction I have towards a name or a behavior towards me, but I also have a responsibility to support myself and others by standing as the voice of reason / common sense and showing that what we are busy with is abusive and uncalled for, and simply evil - and thus must stop as I will not allow myself to participate in the structure of being deliberately evil and cruel towards each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in activities that I do not stand with / as in self honesty, such as giving / receiving abusive nicknames, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by participating within an activity that I do not stand with / as in self honesty I am compromising myself within accepting and allowing back chat as self doubt to come up within me, questioning the decision to participate, not realizing that a self honest decision was never made, because it was made in self interest and fear - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and accept activities I do not stand with / as in self honest from the starting point of fear of losing the acceptance of others and fear of missing out on the fun, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in activities due to fear and not based on my self honest evaluation of the activity within deciding whether I stand by / with it or not, thus allowing myself to be directed and motivated by fear instead of principle, compromising myself and others from the perspective of allowing myself to exist in a way that cannot be trusted, as I can be manipulated / persuaded to do anything that is not aligned with common sense, as the principle of what is best for all life. Within this I realize that any activity I participate within, I am equal to, and thus I must push myself to stop following the mind's temptation as motivation of fear / desire, but instead to walk in alignment to the principle of equality, to participate in that which is aligned in common sense as what is best for all life, and not participate in that which I will stand in shame knowing that I have done so within a starting point of self interest / fear / desire, and not of principle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of being bullied and use such memories to exist in blame towards those who bullied me, not seeing my part / responsibility of the situation as I have allowed it within wanting to seem cool, or simply within fear of standing up for myself, or within an acceptance of being bullied - within all points I am equally responsible for accepting and allowing such bullying to take place, towards myself and towards others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of me bullying others, and use such memories to exist in guilt and shame, instead of realizing that guilt and shame do not change me and will not prevent me from doing it again if not directed through self investigation by writing and self forgiveness to get to the understanding of why I have been as I was and thus through understanding to walk a process of self correction - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by existing in guilt / shame as a self inflicted punishment within self judgment I am bullying myself and thus still giving my allowance and participation of the construct of bullying .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to memories of either being bullied or bullying others, within allowing myself to exist in an energetic experience of blame / self victimization or guilt / shame - both sides of the same polarity created through my participation within and as the construct of bullying, not realizing that the first / basic point is self bullying which I am accepting and allowing through self judgment instead of applying practical application and self change - holding onto the memory instead of changing myself to live as principle of equality as what is best for all life, and thus make sure that I will never again accept any bullying towards others or myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of participating in an activity within a starting point of fear / desire and not of principle, thus allowing myself to, within awareness, participate in an activity that I do not stand one and equal with, yet through my participation I am standing one and equal with, and thus exist within inner conflict / friction - creating a situation for myself that as a platform for back chat and self judgment as self sabotage, instead of stopping myself within breath from participating and being directed by fear / desire, and pushing myself to stand by / as the principle of equality for life, within realizing that only when / as I stand by / as this principle will I build myself as self trust, self honor and self respect - any thing else that is not aligned within self honesty will inevitably lead to self judgment / guilt / shame, which then will lead to a life of suffering and justification to ease my mind as I manipulate myself to forget / hide the actuality of my actions, and thus separate myself from myself further and further, to the point of not knowing myself, and only exist as justification instead of self honesty, in equality and oneness within and as myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the pattern of accepting abuse within the desire of being accepted, and thus on the other hand, fear of being rejected, not realizing that I am abusing myself within allowing others to abuse me, and I am within that standing as an example that self abuse is accepted and allowed, as I am one with and equal to it within my acceptance and participations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the pattern of not standing up for myself within the desire to seem cool, and thus, within fear of seeming like I am taking things too personally, within this I am depriving myself the opportunity to walk my process in self honesty, as at the moment I am taking the abuse / words towards me personally.
support yourself through practical education – in relation to bullying here are some recommendations:
Sunette - Children and Bullying - Practical Solutions
and on EQAFE
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous one, please read it for further context if you haven’t already : Day 110 - Avoiding Work
It's just amazing how it is that once you open up a point within yourself, it starts existing in your life more prominently, to give you an opportunity to investigate it thoroughly and transcend it. So, I've had a chance to see up close, in a live situation, my manipulative and deceptive nature in regards to the personality of avoiding work.
Another cool point to see, is that it's not enough to just see what I am participating in, to transcend a point, one must write it out and apply self forgiveness, and then live the correction - change won't simply happen on it's own, change needs to be lived as self - yesterday I wrote out the point without applying self forgiveness, and today the same point was possessing me in my mind as back chat, inner conversations, and energetic reactions, thus, in this blog I will open up the point I've realized to be clear about it and then in the coming blogs I will open all the relevant points within self forgiveness to make sure I free myself from their enslavement and can apply myself practically as what is best for all life.
So, here is what happened: we had to make some changes in the work schedule, so some one suggested one option and I suggested another, we ended up arguing as I was trying to explain my point of view of why I think my opinion reflects the better choice. Within the conversation my self interest was exposed, I wanted to find a way to perhaps, if it could work out, to work a half hour less (this is what allowed me to see that I have been defining work as something that needs to be avoided as I've written in my previous blog) - they had caught onto me and basically invalidated my opinion, which makes sense, because we want to find a solution that is best for all, a solution that takes all points into consideration, and not just go by preference of the individual which in this case was clearly a manipulating to maybe, perhaps, possibly work a little less - within my argument I didn't consider the task at hand, nor the other people, I was only looking at it from a starting point of self interest.
An interesting point I saw within this experience, is that before I had caught onto myself, before I saw that the basis of my argument is self interest - my back chat, during the argument, as I was standing up and arguing for my opinion and explaining it, was of judgment towards them within the context that "they" are speaking from a starting point of self interest and are trying to manipulate me… lol… such a self deceptive mind… this clearly shows how any judgment towards another is a projection of what self in actually participating within, and judging self for it - it's never about the other being, any and all reactions/back chat/judgment within self is always self showing self back to self - this is why one must always investigate any and all reactions that come up within self and not trust/believe the mind - because it's a manipulative and deceptive son of a bitch.
We ended up deciding on a schedule, which was not what I wanted, but I accepted it, because I could see that my argument is self interest and not valid, though I felt frustrated, because I thought I, as my opinion, was right, but at that point I felt like I didn't care anymore, because the whole discussion/argument about our opinions was more draining than having to do the actual work, so I accepted it and let it go - or did I?...
Obviously, that wasn't the end of it, today as we were working and had applied the decision we came to the previous night, I realized that I was "right", I realized that my opinion from the previous night really did make more sense - so for a moment I felt the "I'm right" high within back chat and reliving the whole argument, and getting all energized about losing the conversation while being right... But believing I was right and the energy within it, didn't last for long, because it wasn't true in fact, and then it hit me as I realized the point of "who you are within it" - what happened was that, within our conversation the night earlier, I came to a specific conclusion based on self interest argument - What I've realized is that the fact that I would have gotten to the same conclusion based on an argument that stands to support all as what is best for all, doesn't make me right, the contrary, it allows me to see how deceptive/self interest/manipulative I have been. In self honesty I know that during the argument/conversation, I could see the common sense and the reasoning that would be best for all , but I couldn't bring myself to use it within my argument because it was not aligned with my self interest of avoiding work, I couldn't use that argument because it would mean that next time I would have to stand by it, and I wasn't willing to do so within the hidden self interest desire to avoid work.
So, the feeling that I was right in this situation can be looked at within the analogy of making enough mistakes in a mathematical equation, and ending up with the correct answer - that doesn't make one right, because it's not only about the conclusion / final result, it's about the way, it's about how you got to it, you have to be able to walk through all the steps of the equation and have all steps be valid - and so within our situation for all steps to be valid they need to be clear of self interest and in all way reflect the solution that is best for all, one must look at what was the starting point through out the entire "thought process" that made one come to a specific conclusion/opinion, and make sure all points along the way were valid, as considering all within the equation and reflecting a solution based on reasoning that is best for all life - so it's really not about what I say as my opinion, it's about who am I within the starting point of what I am saying - if I would stand as best for all, and consider all in the equation, my argument would be valid, and it would come across better - part of the reason I wasn't clear was because I was trying to make my point within hiding the self interest because I realize it isn't a valid argument, so the entire communication was off…
Ok cool, tomorrow self forgiveness, stay tuned
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Sunday, November 25, 2012
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 100 - What is REAL
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever question reality and simply accept it as it has been shown to me by my parents and society, within this simply accepting the world as it is within all the atrocities and abuse, and not once questioning human nature as the cause of it and looking at what needs to be done and how we need to change in order to fix up this world and create a world that is worth living in for all life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the mind, that I am my thoughts/feelings/emotions, and within that allowing myself to be directed by my thoughts/feelings/emotions, while only considering myself as part of the equation and disregarding the physical reality as all the other beings that exist here equally with me, within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that all that I have been existing as and believing in has been an illusion, an illusion that is based on self interest through using manipulation/deception to fulfill the desire to feel good, within accepting separation as the truth of existence
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the abuse I am creating through my participation within/as the mind, through allowing myself to be directed within self interest by the emotions/feelings/thoughts that come up within me uncontrollably, while disregarding common sense, disregarding the physical reality as the earth and nature and other living beings, all in the pursue of happiness, within this
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I am participating within/as the mind as self interest, I am giving my permission and appruval for all to exist within self interest, and thus am allowing any form of self interest to exist, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very self interest that I am participating within as the mind, is not actually in my best interest because it is and always has been creating conflict in my life, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very nature and structure of the mind is based on conflict / friction / separation / polarity and thus will never bring about an ease, not within my life and not within the world as a whole, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very nature of the mind is to create and thrive off of energy that is created through the substance of my physical body and thus abusing/destroying the very body I exist in
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am my body, one and equal to/as my body, and within that to realize that any abuse I am inflicting on my body is actual self abuse, but I haven’t allowed myself to realize this because I have been existing within a value system that values the mind more than life, and thus I have allowed myself to disregard my body, as well as the physical existence and to give my attention to only that which goes on in my mind within energy, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have been addicted to the energy of the mind, like a drug that has been blurring my vision to ignore the physical reality as what is here and to exist in a bubble created by my mind through my allowance and participation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with my hidden/secret thoughts/feelings/emotions, within believing that I have a right to my privacy and to protect my hidden/secret mind, not realizing that by hiding myself I am making a statement that I am actually participating in deception/manipulation/abuse and want to protect myself as I deceive/abuse/manipulate others, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very nature and design of secrets implies shame, thus through participating and justifying the secret mind I have been hiding from myself that I am in fact ashamed of who I am and what I do, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself in shame, instead of facing myself within/as self honesty, to be able to change myself and become a human being that lives as respect/dignity as a living expression of that which is best for all, and thus doesn't need to hide in separation within the secret mind, because there would be nothing to hide, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the mind, within it's hidden most darkest corners has always been showing me it's true nature of deception/manipulation/abuse, and that I have always been brainwashed, not practicing critical reasoning, but simply eating up whatever my parents/society have taught me, as accepting and legitimizing the pursue of happiness as a valid goal, while blindly following our emotions/feelings/thoughts, not seeing that if we only stopped holding on to ourselves as the mind, we could realize equality and oneness, as what is really here, as the physical, as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind, as allowing myself to become possessed with energy / thoughts / back chat / judgments / emotions / feelings, while believing I am powerless and cannot be the directive principle of myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am powerless instead of dropping this belief within the understanding that it isn't supporting me but is only limiting me and preventing me from standing up, and thus to allow myself to try again and again, and learn from each attempt I make, as to find out for myself, what works for me as to slow down the mind/thought, as to stop the back chat - I have found that bouncing and shaking myself physically within breath has been supportive in getting me out of the mind and back here, I have that writing the point out as self support within a self directive decision to take self responsibility and sort the point out has assisted me in stepping out of the possession, I have found that self forgiveness has been effective in assisting me to open up points and not fall so easily in the trap of self judgment - so I have tools, I have proven to myself that they are effective, and I realize that "practice makes perfect" I realize that the more I apply myself and fall and apply myself again I will become more effective within myself and will be more clear within myself, and will empower myself as life, as self support, to step out of the mind's hold of me, and return here, to where life can be lived, as the physical reality.
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Thursday, October 18, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
I commit myself to being clear within myself as to why I want to spend time with people/friends, and within that to make sure I am self honest with myself within not deluding myself that I want to spend time with the other being while in fact I have other hidden agendas and am just using them to keep me company as I do not wish to do it alone, within this, I commit myself to stop myself from participating with such deception towards self and towards others and to be clear and direct towards myself and the other as to what I actually want, I commit myself to stop myself form participating within/as manipulation through expressing that I want something but actually using the other to get a hidden agenda, within this I commit myself to stop using and abusing the structure/platform of friendship for my own self interest and allow myself to see the other as equal to me, and thus to give as I would like to receive, and do onto the other as I would like to be done on to me, and thus I commit myself to practice and apply being direct and straight forward and not manipulate within self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend time with people as I see as my friends, in order to do something, anything, as long as it will distract me from myself as who I am, and allow me to zone out into the bubble of friendship/entertainment as we spend time together, not actually communicating or supporting each other but just spending time, really wasting our time away, within a belief that we are doing something valuable as spending time with a friend, within the social construct that spending time with friends/loved one is valuable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape from myself through entertaining myself within friends, and within that using and abusing our friendship as a form of self dishonesty, using my friends to distract myself from myself and by that making them accomplices to the crime, so to speak, while presenting it as an innocent activity as spending "quality time" together, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my friends with me down the path of self dishonesty as distracting self from self within entertainment/activities, instead of standing as self integrity and supporting myself and them as myself within building self honesty and self respect through investigating self intimacy within oneself and one's relationship with another
I commit myself, when I see myself wanting to distract myself with friends and entertainment, to stop myself and breathe, to look within self honesty at the point I am running away from, and to write it out through process of self forgiveness, to allow myself to free myself form the point at hand that I am resisting and through releasing the point to be able to actually spend time with people/friends for that reason, and not to use them as hiding from myself
I commit myself to establish effective relationships with people/friends and within that to establish effective and supportive communication, through firstly opening myself up within writing for/as myself, and then to share points of relevance with them, to be a standing/living example of walking a process of self honesty, so that they too have the opportunity to walk, and we have a chance to actually support each other into an effective/supportive relationship/friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my friends as myself through only allowing us to communicate through the wall of external activity, as creating a safe zone to protect myself from the possibility of exposure, due to fear of within being exposed to be judged/rejected/ridiculed, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself due to not ever allowing myself to actually be myself and thus to know myself, and within that to fear what I might express/expose myself in an unexpected way, that isn't accepted by myself/my friend/society, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself safe within not exposing my true nature while not allowing myself to realize that I am protecting myself as personality/character/mind while not allowing myself to express myself and expand as life
I commit myself to apply the tool of writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statement, to allow myself to face myself and finally see who the hell I really am, to through knowing myself within self forgiveness to stop fearing myself as the unknown and thus to allow myself to through knowing myself to direct myself to change to that which is best for all and stop all that I exist as now which results in shame and fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some people as close friends and some not, within that to allow myself to expose/express myself only to those people that I trust as being "close" friends, within this I forgive myself for not accepting ad allowing myself to realize that by separating groups of friends into categories I am in fact manipulating myself to through feeling comfortable with some people to allow myself to open up to them, but not seeing the self deception within opening up only when it is convenient, within that not allowing myself to see that I am not actually exposing/expressing myself but am allowed to express my prominent character as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be different with each person, as evaluating who the person is and what they will accept and to adjust myself accordingly, thus allowing myself to exist as a split personality, within this I commit myself to stabilize myself and to remain stable here as/within breath with each person/people I interact with, thus allowing myself to actually express myself as who I actually am and not change myself according to who is around me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a different me according to who I am with and not allowing myself to see the self abuse and self compromise within this, as I have given more value to being accepted by others rather than actually accepting myself
I commit myself to changing myself within all relationships to become an effective human being, to support myself and the other within self honesty, to not accept myself and anyone else as myself, as anything less than who we are as life, and thus, I commit myself to stop all my current friendship as I know them to be, and I commit myself to build new communication with my friends, communication that is based on self honesty, intimacy, and the willingness to face ourselves through the assistance and support of the other, I commit myself to use the platform of friendship for the betterment of all as equal within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, through starting with changing myself first within/as myself and communication as myself, so that I can prove to myself that change is possible and relationships can change and be effective and supportive, and within that to stand as a living example.
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