Showing posts with label the grass is always greener on the other side. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the grass is always greener on the other side. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
this blog is continuing my previous blogs:
Day 139 - The grass is always greener on the other side
Day 140 - the grass is always greener in someone else's conversation
When and as I see myself going into the experience of missing out on something out there, I stop myself and breathe, and within breath I look at what is here, what I have allowed myself to actually miss out on through the quest of finding something better, I stop myself and breathe and look at what is here that I have overlooked and have been taking for granted.
I commit myself to ground myself back here, within and as my physical body, in breath, to stop the mind as the thoughts of missing out, as I realize that only through allowing and participating with the thoughts do I end up experiencing the missing out experience, and without the thoughts there would be no such experience. I commit myself to breathe until the experience of missing out is no longer in control of me and I trust myself that I am stable here, I commit myself to push through the temptation to follow the thoughts and justification as to why I am missing out, within believing what comes up within me as the mind, but I realize that all that is coming up is not self directed and thus is not me, I am allowing it to exist within me, and once I see the destructive nature of it, as I do, there is no point or reason to continue entertaining such thoughts, allowing them would be self abuse - thus, I commit myself to stop them as I see them come up, and focus on my physical body within breath, as self support.
I realize that when I'm engaged in a conversation with someone but am only half into it because I am searching around for a better conversation, I am sabotaging the conversation I am in within disregarding the being sitting in front of me, within this I realize that through not being here with the being in the totality of me, I am not treating them as I would like to be treated, within this I am not aware of the consequences this will have as I am ignoring the other being and actually do not care for them at that moment because I am only focused on my self interest as to get the best for myself, thus, within the principle of "do onto another that which you would like them to do onto you" I commit myself , when seeing myself fading out of a conversation and going into search of a better one, to stop myself and breathe, and return here to myself and the conversation I am in, and to give my total attention to the being I am with - I realize that I have been diminishing the being I am with, and thus participating in superiority, as if they are not good enough for me, I realize that by doing so I am robbing myself the opportunity of learning from the being I am with, and expanding within / as myself in the conversation I am in - within this I realize that I have not allowed myself to be the self directive principle of/as myself, but have allowed myself to be directed by the mind in self interest, thus, within the principle of "what is best for all" I commit myself to treat all as I would like to be treated, to respect all as I would like to be respected, and thus, to establish self dignity and self respect through giving dignity and respect to all as equals as myself.
I realize this construct of believing I am missing out and experience of discontent from the conversation I am in, is a reflection of my won self discontent, thus, I realize that when I am not here but rather focusing my attention on looking for something better out there, I am actually showing myself that I am not here with myself because I have created and placed myself as inferior to the idea I have about what is out there, I realize that as long as I don't build self value, I will always look for something better out there instead of realizing that I must learn to value and care for myself, and once I do I will no longer search out there because I will have found myself, thus, I commit myself to walk the process of writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements on points that I see that I am not aligned with myself, as points of self judgment as discontent, I commit myself to walk the process of equality as to become one and equal within and as myself, and in turn one and equal to all that is here, within this I realize that the first step is to stop my participation with the mind as it has proven time after time to be driven by self interest and does not consider myself as life, and anyone else, thus, I realize my participation with the mind is the core source of my self-rejection, and only through stopping my participation with thoughts, beliefs, emotions, feelings will I find myself, the "who I am" behind the veil of lies I have been living as.
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Monday, January 14, 2013
I always heard the phrase "the grass is greener on the other side" but I never actually looked at it within and as myself, and I find now that it is a dominant construct / pattern / personality within me. I've actually seen this years ago, but didn’t yet have the tools to address it effectively, so now that I do, and since it has been coming up within me, it's an opportunity to take it on.
The first time I became aware of this pattern of mine was when I would be in big social events, what happens is that, when I am with a big group of friends, too big for all to have one conversation, people split up to smaller groups and talk amongst themselves - in such situations as I am engaged in one conversations I have a feeling that I am missing out on a more interesting conversation, I have only half of my attention with the people I am talking to, and the other half is scanning other conversations, looking for hints and clues as to what is being discussed, then I might here a partial sentence or a few words of interest and become curious as to what is being said, I will then move to the other conversation, as an attempt to be at the most interesting conversation, Or I might stay where I am but experience myself as missing out, as being stuck at the boring conversation. This creates a situation where I am not here nor there, I am in my mind, experiencing myself as I am missing out on something else that is "there", and thus am actually missing out on being here in breath because I am preoccupying myself within the illusions and manipulations of the mind, as the mind is keeping me interested in everything that is out there, wanting to find the better place to be at, instead of me realizing that all I need is always here, because I am always here, and once I get that, and integrate that as myself, I will not be so easily fooled by the mind as I have been, within allowing myself to be directed by it as I have been.
When this construct comes up within me, I experience it like a constant "not good enough", as no matter what I am doing or who I am with there is always something better right around the corner, experiencing myself as if I am the one that is always missing out. Within this there is also an experience / thought / belief that "they" always seem to be in the right place at the right time, "they" always seem to be in the interesting conversations, meeting the interesting people, seeing the cool sights, going to the best parties, ordering the tastiest meal and so on… and I am always the "looser", always making the wrong decision, going to the wrong places, sitting with the wrong people.
This has effected my decision making, because when making a decision, as where to go, or who to be with, once the decision is done, I automatically feel like I've made a mistake, like I should have chosen otherwise, and so I try to avoid making decisions and keeping all my options open until the very last minute, which obviously I haven't realized that by avoiding making decisions in the attempt to keep all doors open, I am closing the doors of opportunities that can't wait till the last minute, and this has happened many times, but I have justified it to myself that it's ok, and that I don't really care, because I have created myself as a personality of "waiting till the last minute" in order to keep my options open, and I will defend this personality even when I see it is not serving me. I have not realized that "waiting for the last minute" is not who I am but a personality / character I have created myself as in order to not miss out, within the attempt to fool the system - as if I will wait till the last minute I will make the most educated decision and will not miss out on all the good things I always perceive myself to miss out on - but I have created within this an endless loop of not actually living at all, because I am always waiting for the good opportunity while missing all that is here at the moment.
This constant feeling within me of missing out, creates constant inner conflict within me, because I don't allow myself to simply be here, within recognizing that many things are happening in every moment but I can practically only be in one place at a time, and do one thing at a time, and because I don't allow myself to simply be here, in breath, to be where I am at, to do what I am doing - I am actually creating the very experience as of missing out as I am deliberately missing out on myself, missing every breath I take - missing it because I am too busy with fear of missing it. As I participate in this construct there is always back chat in my mind, telling me what I should have done, where I should have gone, who I should be with - and in my mind, the answer is never here, my mind is never content with here, it always wants me to be there - "there" is always better than "here" no matter what. Always.
I realize that allowing this construct to exist within me and direct me is a form of self sabotage, thus, it's time to stop.
In my next blog I will start with the self forgiveness process.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
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