Showing posts with label self forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self forgiveness. Show all posts
Friday, September 19, 2014
I have watched the
movie Old Boy, read and was inspired by these two following blogs, my writing is
building upon that which I have read, so please go ahead and read them for
better context.
After watching the
movie and reading the blogs, the point that is coming up for me, in regards to
how we can learn from the movie to better ourselves and our life experience, is
by taking it all back to self.
The movie is clearly
about two men stuck in a revenge cycle, where the one imprisons the other for
15 years as revenge for something he blames him for that happened in their
childhood, then the other seeks to pay back the man who imprisoned him, only to
find that the revenge wasn't over. They hurt innocent bystanders as each
other's loved ones and associates as part of their revenge towards one another.
They stop at nothing. They are moved, motivated and controlled by revenge, it
is all they see, it is all they live for.
These men have given
up their lives in possession and obsession of revenge.
The movie is
expressed in a very extreme way and thus makes it very clear for the viewers to
see the madness that revenge can drive us to, within that as well to see how
wasteful and utterly ludicrous this revengeful behavior is, to spend ones
entire life in revenge, instead of letting go, starting fresh, and allowing
oneself to enjoy and live a full life.
Once I can see the
construct clearly within the movie, presented in the for of one man doing to or
against another man, I like to ask myself where else do I see this construct in
my life and environment. Where do I see the same play out played by different
characters.
What intrigues me
most within exploring the lessons I can derive from this movie, is to research
this construct of revenge as I see it playing out within myself, as myself and
towards myself. In other words, seeing this construct, as it exists externally,
equally existing internally, within the principle of "as within so
without".
Let me explore the
situations where I revenge myself, hold onto grudges towards myself and blame
myself for things that are long gone from my physical experience, yet I hold
on, judge, punish and revenge myself for them, maintaining and perpetuating
this endless cycle of self abuse.
When I say revenge
as an act of self abuse, I see it as any form of deliberate self abuse (all
abuse is deliberate), done based on some point of blame, shame, guilt, judgment
from the past (it is all from the past) - so basically lot of self talk, communication with self, if
not supportive, is a form of revenge.
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to revenge myself as I hold onto memories of
things I've done or said and regret, blame, shame and judge myself for them,
instead of forgiving myself within the starting point of learning and expanding
from the experience
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within / as myself as I
revenge myself in blame / judgment / regret, as if the one me will do something
that the other me will not approve of and thus, I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the revenge I
am inflicting upon myself, as punishment and abuse is an indication of a time
where I allowed myself to not be in alignment with myself, where within
participating in revenge I am perpetuating that very same structure of not
being in alignment within and as myself, and thus I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to take that experience / memory as a point of
growth, expansion and learning rather than beating myself up in revenge, blame
and punishment
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have used revenge to
justify to myself the continuing participating in thoughts / words / deeds that
are not in alignment with that which is best for all in self honesty, where I
allow myself to think / speak / act in self interest and abuse / harm myself
and /or others in the name of protecting my mind / characters and then I
justify / validate / maintain the cycle by punishing myself in blame / judgment
and in doing so revenging myself for allowing myself to fuck up in the first
place, instead of seeing this whole entire play out, as seeing the fuck up and
the revenge that will follow, and to simply stop
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to live in the past as to remind myself of how
"I fucked up", "I should have done it this way or that
way", "I shouldn't have done that", where in each time I remind
me I am doing so in blame, shame and guilt as the form of revenge, as a way to
punish myself for what I have allowed in the past, rather than investigating my
past mistakes from a starting point of neutral self exploration, within the
realization that only through seeing myself clearly, without any judgment, just
seeing simply who / how I have allowed myself to be / do / act / say, only
through facing myself in forgiveness can I actually start a fresh page and free
myself from the chains that the past holds on me as long as I allow it, within
holding on to revenge.
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing mysel to see that the point of payback as revenge is
an indication of living in the past and thus compromising self here for the
sake of the idea / memory of my perspective of what had happened in the past,
thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that
the point of revenge will inevitably become a point of regret and thus a point
of a self judgment / blame and thus the cycle of revenge continues, instead of simply stopping
When and as I see
myself participating in revenge, towards myself or towards others, in form of
thought, word or action, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the revengeful
though, I stop the justifying thought, I stop the belief that I was wronged or
was wrong, I stop it all and breathe. I bring myself back here and notice the
physical body that is here as me. And within breath I speak self forgiveness on
the origin point and the reaction in revenge that came up.
Monday, September 8, 2014
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about the things I want to do instead of actually doing them
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to talk about thing I want to do as if I am
planning to do them when in fact I am talking about them as a way to express to
others my direction without having to ever go there
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I talk about a point
I want to do / accomplish the less likely I am to actually do it, because if I
were to do it I would just fucking do it
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point is
avoidance of actually walking the point
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point from
the starting point of making myself look as if I am walking the point or am
about to walk it is self dishonesty, as separating myself into two beings, the
one who talks as if I will do or am doing something, and the one who is
existing in avoidance and isn't actually doing it, thus being split between my
words and my deeds.
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to create a loop for myself where I see and
realize that I am trapped in an endless cycle of talking about a point and not
walking it but at the same time still believing myself to be actually trapped,
not realizing that I can simply stop the cycle in one decision, in one breath
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to create a cycle for myself where I am already
sick and tired of hearing myself speak about the things I want to do, such as
to support myself in writing, and then as I see myself not do it to judge myself
and add self hatred to the situation, instead of simply seeing myself in the
loop and make a deliberate decision in that moment to take immediate action and
to for example sit down to write
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to create such a big deal out of sitting down and
writing where I have become so intimidated of writing that it really seems like
a huge point to tackle, when in fact I have been writing since the first grade,
and it is not in fact a big huge task, but rather one that I simply must direct
myself to do, and once I start doing it each time I realize that not only is it
not as hard / scary as I feared, but in most cases I rather end up enjoying
myself.
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to remind myself that I do in fact enjoy
writing and that many things that I tend to avoid and feel like I have to fight
with myself in order to do are things that once I allow myself to get started I
actually enjoy them.
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to re-live the pattern/memory from my childhood
where my parents would urge me to go into the bath and I would fight them not
to but once I was in I would love it so much that I wouldn't want to get out
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to learn from the memory above but instead to
re-live it as to be frozen in time within it, instead of evolving / growing
from it
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to spend so much of my time and energy in trying
to avoid doing the things I really want to do, instead of just fucking doing it
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to fill up my time with complaining about not
wanting to do the things I actually on a deeper level want to do, or
complaining about not doing the things I say I want to do, instead of just
fucking doing them
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to establish a clear starting point within
myself as to why I want to do the things I say I want to do
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that without a clear starting
point it is no surprise that it has been hard for me to stay dedicated to a
decision that I am unclear about what it stands for and who I am within it.
I commit myself to
find and define within myself a clear starting point, to investigate what that
even means to me, to create from within myself the definition of why am I
walking and where am I going.
I also commit myself
to write daily, even if just one sentence of self forgiveness or one point of
realization, I commit to write out a self directed supportive statement /
paragraph / blog each day. Within this, I commit myself, if resistance to
writing still comes up, to write about the resistance and not allow myself to
be directed by it, but rather to take it as a point of self discovery and
exploration, and at the very least, as something to write about.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Follow up from last blog - last night I went to a party, I didn't know anyone and I just sat there some of the time I sat alone and I actually didn't go into anxiety about it, and I had awesome conversations with random people, took some phone numbers and might have made some connections from a practical perspective - it was cool - though I still didn't allow myself to be as free as I wanted to, so I am still walking the point, and actually while I was there I "forgot" that I had just written about this point and I didn't then apply myself practically - this point of "forgetting the point I am walking" has been coming up often - and the only explanation I have is that while I am writing my self forgiveness and opening the point up, I am not here and am not actually doing it as self support - because if I was I would "remember", but instead I write it just because I know I have to, I know I have to because it is so supportive and if I don't I will go down the rabbit hole of my mind and trap myself in it, so I do see the value of daily writing, but it is still done in separation, as a point of external consequence, like I'm doing it so the teacher will see that at least I am trying, while in fact I am not doing my best, I am not pushing as hard as I can, I am not investigating myself as self honestly as I could be - but there is no teacher watching over me and the consequences are not created by an external force but rather they are directly created by myself, and the more I write the more I see that I am causing my own suffering and discomfort, and yet, I am still struggling to get past this point and actually writing for myself and being here fully as I write, and write within the starting point of self support in fact.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself from a starting point of being watched by a teacher form, thus actually doing it in separation of myself as I am not doing it for myself but for external eyes watching over me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself within a starting point of religion, as I have placed a god like watch guard on me, as the eyes that see everything I do and will create the consequences if I mess up, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have turned this practical application in to a religion instead of doing it for myself in full awareness
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually see, realize and understand that I am here living this life, and I am here living the consequences of my actions, and I have the choice and the ability to change within self honesty, or not, and it is my responsibility to face myself because no one else will do it for me, and my doing so can effect others from the perspective that I could exist as I living example of how people can change and perfect themselves, but as long as I am not doing it, it is not here and is not a reality, and so, as within so without - my not changing myself within a starting point of self support implies and reflects that I don't care about myself nor anyone else
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a good person that cares about myself and others around me while in fact in practicality I have not bee doing the bare minimum of expressing this care through practical physical application, and thus, have made this "I care" as a character that I can talk about and express to people, hence the good conversation, instead of letting go the idea of I am a caring person and actually allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself in every moment, where the first act of caring would be caring for myself and doing all I can to nurture and support myself, not for anyone else but for myself because I would care about and for myself, then, the expression of caring for others must be within a starting point of living as an example, and working towards a practical solution - so far I have been talking the talk much more then walking the walk, like I enjoy presenting myself as part of the most caring group in the world, or perhaps more accurately, the only caring group of people in the world, yet, I have not been an active participant from the perspective that I know I can do so much more if I would bring myself to actually care and live this care as the expression of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care only about the thoughts and feelings and emotions and fears that come up in my mind, instead of caring for myself as the physical and for everybody else as the physical and thus, within caring for the mind and placing the mind above me as the physical I have not been pushing through the resistance in self interest, as I would simply do what the mind wants, as I follow it into self destruction
I realize that every time that I have thoughts / back chat / emotions / feelings / fears that come up and direct me into any direction that is not what is best for al, I am a facing a choice and can chose to follow the mind or can chose to resist the temptation within and as implementing the tools of writing and self forgiveness as to allow myself to see the construct that has come up, as to not suppress it but rather work through it, and so, I realize that in every moment of every breath I can make a new choice and am not limited to the previous choice, thus, I can chose to change now and today starting to live within the principle of what is best for all, regardless of not yet doing it previously. And I realize that in every moment that I chose self interest, that I chose the comfort of not pushing myself, when I chose the "hanging out" rather than applying myself - that is a choice and it will in every moment accumulate as who I am and allowing myself to be, so I realize that I must make sure that I accumulate more "points" of self support and actual genuine care than points of self interest and abuse - I realize this is a process and I will not change over night, but within this I also realize that making the decision is instantaneous and changing my starting point happens in a moment, so there really is no excuse.
I realize that it isn't about writing daily but rather writing daily within a starting point of self support and self care, and thus, I commit myself to before and while writing ensure that I am here and breathing, and if and when I see that I am writing in a state of rush as to "just get it over with" I stop myself and breathe, if necessary I attend to what needs my attention so that I can be here fully and write for and as myself, within this I commit myself to prioritize and not allow any distraction to become an excuse of "I'll do it later" because looking at the greater picture - what could be more important than supporting myself in this process of self discovery and self change? Nothing really, and so, I commit myself to set up a time and actually apply myself effectively within this time frame, as planning a date with myself, as I would plan with another, and respect this self date as I would respect a date with another
So here I am , making the decision to care for myself and to live this car as an actual physical act, within supporting myself through this process of writing and self forgiveness, to investigate and see in self honesty who I have created myself as, and change myself within the principle of re-creating myself as a human being that lives as an example, that if everybody would learn from my example this world would be best for all - this is my indication that I have lots of work to do, because I know what goes on in my mind, and I know that if everybody in the world would learn from my example at the moment, the world will not be a better place for all - and so I commit myself to walk this process until I can be a living example of the principle of equality as what is best for all -
I realize this must start with myself, if I only care about one being in the world I must be to actually care for myself, not as the mind as to care for my thoughts and feeling and emotions, but for myself, the being that is here, that is experiencing all these ups and downs, the one that is not yet directing oneself but is powerlessly following the thoughts / emotions / feeling, to support myself as the being that is here, to stand up within myself and direct myself, take responsibility and live with integrity and self honor.
Yes, there is a long way to go…
I realize the value of breath, and I commit myself to use breath as a tool of self support, to slow myself down and to ground myself, to return to my physical body where I am here, and to direct myself to move from a starting point of breath, to allow myself to stop and breath as many times during the day - to make stopping and breathing my practice, before anything I do / say I stop and breathe and consider what is best for all, what would be most practical and effective and supportive, and what is within justification and self interest - and to slowly but surely more from there, from here, one step at a time.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to go into fear when thinking about and planning meeting new people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine in my mind the scenario of meeting and talking to new people and then to go into fear when I compare my idea of how reality will be to the imagined scenario
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought that in my mind I always have the right and effective response and comeback but in reality I stutter and loose my words and freeze
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the scenario in my mind, not realizing that I am by doing so, creating a polarity between how I am in my mind and how I am in reality, as in reality things are not as smooth as in the mind, and so, instead of supporting myself through this imagination I am actually sabotaging myself in comparing myself in reality to myself in the mind, and knowing that I can never live up to this comparison
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that feeling comfortable with people and talking to new people with ease will come with practice in the physical reality and not through participating in mind imaginations as what that causes is for me to try and recreate in reality that which I have practiced in my mind, and thus not allowing myself to be here and present within the interaction and conversation, and so again, the imagination is in fact sabotaging me and not supporting me in becoming a better communicator
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I wait and postpone interacting with people the harder it gets from the perspective of the mind will believe it is harder, and in fact, the sooner I do it the sooner I will be comfortable with doing it, and so once again showing me that all the mind wants is not to support me in becoming effective and fulfilled but rather to limit me and maintain the fear as the self belief of who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I know myself to be as fear of people, instead of allowing myself, within realizing that this fear and avoidance is just making my life harder and myself less effective human being, to walk through this fear, and face it head on, and not shy away from it until I have overcome it, until I am not afraid of the fear itself any more and can move and direct myself in any way or direction that is what is most beneficial in each moment
I realize that the fear of people is maintained through my participation with it, and so, when and as I see myself participating in fear of people, I stop myself and breathe, and I push myself to act despite my fear, and to push myself to face my fear and not run away from it, until I have done it so many times that I have proven to myself through my physical application that this fear is not relevant nor supporting me in any way
realize that there have been so many situations in my life where I wanted to do something, as tonight I wanted to go dancing, but then the fear of people comes up and prevents me from going out and exploring and expressing myself, and actually limits me and refines me into a small box as my reality, within this, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself preventing myself from going out and enjoying myself and expressing myself because of the back chat of fear of people, I stop myself and breathe!! - And I push myself to deliberately do that which I fear, (within obviously considering the practicality of the point and not in any way put myself in actual danger just to prove myself a point) - and so, I commit myself to when avoiding a situation due to thoughts as back chat of fear of people, I stand up within myself and get up and move to that point which I fear - within this, I commit myself to then investigate the situation, the fear and the physical outcome - within this, I realize that by standing up and walking through my fear it is not promised that the outcome will be what I want, in other words, I realize that I will experience that which I fear most as for instance rejection, and so, I realize that the outcome of me going out and not preventing myself from expressing myself due to fear of people, is not the point as the outcome can go either way, and so, I commit myself to not judge myself and the situation according to the outcome, and so not open that back door as to tell myself that "I've tried and it just doesn't work" but instead to realize that it's not about succeeding in anything it's about allowing myself to live fully and not limit myself due to a fear of people that has been directing me throughout my life.
Friday, July 5, 2013
I've noticed that most people that I talk to about my process go into a form of defense and I was looking at it today as it happened again - I couldn't understand why all my friends and relatives say that they respect me but then when I show them the common sense of the desteni material they don't really go and investigate or ask me for some links or how to get started, they all have created an idea about desteni through one video that they saw and didn't like, and even though I'm not as pushy as I used to be, still people are rejecting, resisting and objecting what I say - today I was talking with my aunt, now, she has always been the person in my life that was working on herself, searching for the truth of reality, questioning authority, and so on, and I'm sure that part of the reason I could hear the desteni message is due to what I've learnt from her as a role model at an earlier age - and now I feel like I want to repay the favor in a way, I know that she will benefit so much if she were to walk this process, I feel responsible to show her the way, and support her through the transition if she chooses to take it - as of yet, she is not budging.
So today, as we were walking I questioned myself and my approach and my communication in regards to the desteni point and I realized that I have not been sharing my experience, I have always only shared information, and so what happens is that we end up having an argument, like a power game in regards to the information that we are sharing, each standing by their own "side", and I mean, why should they believe what I am saying about how things are, they know things are otherwise, so it goes back and forth and has no end, because we are talking about information…..
I know this is pretty basic, and I think I've actually seen this point before, but here I am, back at square one, realizing the same point over again, and maybe now I will actually learn from myself and apply myself differently to get different results that actually serve me and those around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible towards others process from the perspective of it being my responsibility to expose them to the information so that they can make an informed decision as to walk the process to support themselves, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my eagerness to have others join and walk the process is a projection of actually wanting myself to walk the process, as if in a way if I "get someone in" it would compensate not walking effectively myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as an example, and within seeing the responsibility I have of sharing these tools and process of self support, and within realizing time and time again that sharing information is not the key, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility and actually apply myself in such a way that I can stand stable and proud within myself knowing that I am practicing first and speaking later, thus sharing my experience and self realizations rather than another belief system as another religion.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that each friend / relative that have been resisting / rejecting me and the information I expose them to, has been doing me a favor from the perspective of showing me that I am talking about information rather than actually speaking and being the living word, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to react towards my friends / family in anger and frustration when I couldn't get my point across, while missing the actual point of speaking from and as myself, and thus speaking as the living word as words I have actually lived and am living, not as an ideal but as an actual way of life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that by speaking and sharing information I am leading us towards an argument of ego as both sides want to be right, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share information about desteni within the starting point of wanting to be right and wanting to show them and prove to them that my way is the right way, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want them to join and participate with desteni within a self interest starting point, as I want the "points" as recognition of bringing someone in the group, as well as wanting someone from my life that is walking the process as well as if to receive by than an external approval for what I'm doing
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that even though I present myself as wanting others to join desteni and walk their process for their own benefit, I am actually doing it from a self interest starting point, and the clear indication of that is my reaction within the situation, I realize that when I am clear from this starting point and am actually sharing within a supportive starting point, I could then just share that which I can, and expect nothing as a result, and thus experience no energy - in other words, the energetic experience is showing me that I am not clear within my starting point and that I am in fact acting within hidden self interest
When and as I speak about and share my process and see myself going into an energetic experience as frustration / wanting to be right / argumentative / insisting I stop myself and breathe, I realize that I'm doing so within a starting point of self interest and am speaking for my own ego and benefit, within this I realize that I cannot support another from a self interest starting point and thus I stop and breathe, I stop the "I want to be right" desire starting point within me, and communicate about the point only from stability, again, within realizing that I am not supporting anyone by doing so from a self interest starting point
I realize that only by living as an example can I ever really support others to change themselves, and thus I realize that being a living example of the principles of equality as what is best for all, means that I must start with myself through actually supporting myself daily with the tools of writing and self forgiveness and breath, as I get to know who I am as who I have allowed myself to become and change myself as I learn to better support myself to become an effective human being in this world, thus, when and as I see myself not speaking from my personal experience but instead speaking from a starting point of knowledge as an idea / belief, I stop myself and breathe, I prefer to be silent as I work to change and perfect myself first , and only when I can share my experience in a supportive manner do I speak about it, thus, not allowing myself to just speak for the sake of speaking but to be aware of the power and influence that my words have, and use them with awareness and care.
Woke up a few days ago and found my laptop's power cord all chewed up, I've been living with my brother's 13 week old cute puppy so it wasn't a big mystery as to what happened… I got really mad and yelled at her, held her down with the broken cable in my hand showing her what she did was wrong, making sure she knew she'd been bad - but how could she have known? Did she know? All she does most of the time is chew on things - some things are her toys made for her to chew on and some are my shoes, the table, the sofa, socks, the staircase and cables, wire and cords - She is a puppy, that's what they do, they chew on things…
Looking at my reaction, It's clear that I'm more upset about the laptop's power cord being destroyed than I am when she chews on other things because of my relationship to my laptop - because I practically use it daily, so from that perspective I have to put many things on hold when I don't have access to my laptop, but I also got upset because I thought it meant that I would have to now spend time and money to replace it, and I know I can't afford not to, so I must do it now. I ended up spending a few hours going around from store to store in the are just to find out that I can't get it in the store because I have a unique power cord, and that I must get it online, which was a problem cause by now I didn't have any battery life left so my laptop was dead - but, the funny thing is, had I just bought it online instead of going all over the place and reacting for being hassled, it would have taken me 10 minutes, and it was actually very cheap - but because I reacted and made a big deal out of it, I got a big deal out of it while it wasn't really a big deal at all - if I had not reacted I would have phoned the places and have seen they don't have the proper size cord, I could have checked online to see what I am looking for and how much it costs and would have found out how cheap it was - bottom line is that my reaction took over and I couldn't from that point act practically and effectively, and so made it much harder for myself, and for the puppy, as my reaction was not pleasant for her, it was violent and abusive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in violence and abuse towards the puppy because she had chewed on something that i perceive as valuable, I realize that nothing justifies a reaction of violence and abuse - when and as I see myself reacting in anger I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical body and breathe, I commit myself to only "educate" my dog within a starting point of stability and support and to not communicate with her from a starting point of anger as that comes out as the expression of violence and abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value some objects more than others as I create different relationships with my things, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within energy when anything happens to any of the items that I value - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the value I have placed on things is related to money and thus it is not really my relationship to the thing itself but rather my relationship to money - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my relationship towards money and within this to allow myself to react with anger as the expression of violence and abuse due to the thought of now having to spend money on buying a new cord
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in blame towards the puppy as I blame her for being the cause of me now having to go out and buy a new cord, blaming her for wasting my time and money, while I have not allowed myself to take full responsibility for the event within for instance not making sure the puppy has enough chew bones to chew on, and that I have left the cord just laying around carelessly, within this I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the point of blame as a reflection of that which I judge and blame myself for as spending my own time and money recklessly, as I am not yet living every moment effectively and thus I waste my time, and I am not yet spending my money effectively and so I waste my money - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually make clear and direct decisions as to how to spend my time and money but instead I have allowed myself to be directed by emotions, reactions and distractions as the god of me as the deciding factor of what I spend my time and money on
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within reacting in anger towards the puppy I am teaching her and indoctrinating her into a world of energetic communication, and so I am responsible for her learning to use and abuse energy, thus, I realize that I must prevent myself from reacting with energy towards the puppy as with children, when we react with energy they then learn to use the energy as emotional manipulation, and so I am trapping her in that form of energetic communication by being an energetic role model - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the responsibility of teaching and training another being to exist and live in this world, and thus I have a responsibility to teach and train within stability and not indoctrinate another being to depend on energy and use energy within relationships and communication.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my reaction towards my brother's puppy is with more anger / energy than when my own puppy got in trouble, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have been bias towards puppies and within that I will tolerate my things being chewed only if it is done by MY puppy, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a condition as if to say that only in the condition that I am your favorite human and if you show that you love me the most , then it's ok for you to chew on my things and I will still love you and not build up resentment, but, if you are not MY puppy and you love another human more then me, then it's not cool that you wreck my stuff… lol.. It's the same with parents / children
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to favorite my own child / puppy and within that to tolerate their behavior while when others will behave in the same way I will react with energy as anger, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within myself and to give to all equally the same response as a response of support and consideration, within supporting them as myself to become discipline and to realize what is the most practical and effective behavior that will support all equally - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as an example of bias and inequality
Saturday, June 29, 2013
In yesterdays' blog i missed a main point - I wrote about possible starting points for asking a question with a hidden agenda, but I missed the following one, and I think it has actually been a dominant one in my experience - it's when I ask a question within the starting point of arrogance, as seeing the other from above, believing that I see something that they don't, and while it may be true I am not acting within a starting point of support but of separation and superiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act / believe myself to be superior to another when I see that I see something that they don't and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions within that starting point of arrogance and superiority instead of asking and speaking within a starting point of direct and clear communication, support and guidance.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as I see myself in others, my reaction towards others asking me questions is in fact a fear of being treated with arrogance and superiority as I have been treating others within my mind and within my reaction in my tonality and expression.
When and as I see myself asking / speaking from a starting point of a hidden agenda, I stop and breathe, bring myself back here and direct myself to slow myself down and communicate in breath, as to be clear and direct within what I am saying, and make sure that it is not within a starting point of arrogance / superiority / spitefulness. I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into any of these starting points when speaking to others, specifically when asking questions, to stop myself immediately and breath, I commit myself to breathe in silence until I am certain I am stable and can speak again within participating with the energy of the reaction and thus, making sure I am not creating un necessary back chat in the other's mind, and make sure I am not recreating the situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me within a starting point of superiority / arrogance / spitefulness / hidden agenda, I realize that as long as I react I am showing me that I have not yet cleared myself from that point, and thus, I commit myself, instead of turning to judgment, to turn to gratefulness as I am now able to see that this point is not yet clear within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me questions from energetic starting points, I realize that as long as I react I am showing myself that their comment moved me, and thus I commit myself to investigate why is this point a trigger point for me, and within this, I commit myself to do so in gratefulness for having the opportunity to see that I am unstable in regards to the point. And I commit myself to support myself through writing the point out and applying self forgiveness in self honesty until the point is clear and understood.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually stop myself and breathe before I react, thus, not allowing myself to do what is actually needed, as to stop and breath and return here, in order to prevent the energetic build up from accumulating and within it creating the aggression within me that I then express within my expression and communication
I commit myself to stop my participation when I see myself asking a question within a starting point of energy, I stop and breathe, and only when stable speak again.
I commit myself, when I am asked a question and I see myself reacting to it, to the how it's being asked, to stop myself and breathe, to allow myself to hear the question and remove all energetic attachment to it, and only listen to the words spoken, in order for me to actually hear if there is anything I can learn and expand from within the question, or if the other can learn and expand within such a conversation, and so I commit myself to direct myself within the conversation within a starting point of support as what is best for all
Friday, June 28, 2013
I hate it when people ask me questions and I can see / hear the undertone that they are actually questioning me, as they are not asking from a naïve starting point, but it's like they have something to say, but they won't just go ahead and say it, so they are asking questions that lean to what they really want to say.
I had that happen today, and clearly I reacted...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to someone asking me a question within creating an idea / belief that they have a secret agenda
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when believing someone has a secret agenda while asking me a question, to not allow myself to listen unconditionally but instead I react and resist what is being said
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for asking me questions within secret agendas instead of looking at my reaction and taking the opportunity to investigate myself and understand why am I allowing this to be a trigger point for a reaction such as anger
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the way the person is asking the question and whether they have secret motives or not, is no excuse or justification for me to react and "loose my cool", and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for their expression instead of taking it back to self and investigating myself within my accepted reaction.
I realize that my reaction towards someone asking me a question with a secret agenda indicated that I do it as well, and as I am sitting here typing this blog, I found myself doing it, asking a question in order to "get to something" it was very subtle - I realize that this isn't a point of right / wrong, because in some occasions it may be valid to direct the conversation in such a way, I realize it always has to do with the starting point - am I hiding something in fear as I tipi tow around a point instead of speaking clearly and directly, or am I doing so within directing the situation within consideration of all that are involved?
And so, I realize that when others do it, I cannot judge them because I don't know their starting point, all I can now see is my reaction to the situation - where in today's situation I saw that when they asked me the question and I reacted, it showed me that I wasn't clear on the point, and so I felt attacked and pressured - showing me that instead of walking in humbleness I am walking in pride and ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for questioning me within a hidden agenda within defining it as wrong and manipulative, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it's not about right or wrong but about the starting point of myself within the situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions instead of speaking directly within the starting point of fear of conflict, within tip towing around the other person
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that when others tip tow around me as they ask me questions, instead of getting angry with them in blame I can look at myself and consider my reactions
It's interesting how it is all connected, because the one asking me in fear, and tipi towing around the point instead of speaking directly does so in fear of my reaction, and all along that approach is what triggers my reaction… and from the other side, I react to how they are asking me so I answer with anger and impatient and blame them for how they do things, while all along giving them the justification for their initial tip tow as they see they were right to fear me because look at how I react, and so the loop continues…
Within this I also realize that since it is a loop I have an opportunity to stop my participation in it at every moment, and so, the only reason this loop continues is because I have continued to participate with it, while blaming the others in my mind that it's their fault and their expression that caused the problem to begin with.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own reactions and instead have accepted and allowed myself to hide in blame and thus to perpetuate the problem as the conflict and energetic reaction within myself and the other.
I'll continue with this point tomorrow
Thursday, June 6, 2013
It's a fascinating process - realizing that all that I define myself as and live by is only but a self created self belief, and that I have the power and the ability to question these self beliefs and, when and as I find that the self belief is of a self sabotaging nature as most are, to then change it, stop my participation with it, stop believing in it as the truth of me, stop following it and accepting it as the only reality of myself.
Having said that, the self belief I am currently facing is the belief that I require external motivation to get myself moving effectively - such as having someone telling me what to do, or having a boss that is looking out at me and will judge my actions, or having a partner that my actions directly influence them and thus they will be there looking out, making sure that I do my job - I see that by having such external points of motivation, I will motivate and move myself to actually get my responsibilities done within the starting point of wanting to please them and gain their validation, positive confirmation and approval, and simultaneously to avoid conflict and disappointment.
In other words, I have allowed myself to be directed by this self belief in such a way that if I am my own boss, where I can only disappoint myself, I am less likely to motivate myself effectively and to ensure that I apply myself to the best of my ability and complete my responsibilities -- sadly this implies how much I have been diminishing myself as my self value and self worth, as I value others more than myself, as I am willing to disappoint myself but not others, I am willing to brake my own word to myself and not stand within my responsibility when it hurts / effects me, but not others… obviously there is a deeper meaning and explanation rather then it just being how I value others more than myself, as I realize all this form of self sabotage is rooted in self interest, and thus actually is not about 'them' but rather about me at all times - but this is a topic for another blog...
Now, I realize that if I can be effective within a situation where external motivation is applied - this would mean that I do in fact have the capability of being effective regardless the situation, and thus the belief that I require external motivation is a self limiting belief, where through accepting it, I create myself in alignment to it and make it to be true - but when looking at this self belief critically - it doesn't even make any sense, because if physically and practically I am able to focus and be effective within one specific environment as when having external motivation, that implies that I have the capacity of doing so in any environment, as long as I let go the self belief that is limiting me from doing so.
I just had a conversation with a friend and they pointed out that sometimes instead of struggling to change one can support oneself in adjusting the environment to make it easier to function, and so if I believe I require external motivation, it's cool to see and admit to it within self honesty as seeing where I currently am, as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and then within realizing and admitting to this, one can support oneself with creating the environment that will best cater ones needs - this statement / idea / philosophy of his made me realize that there is a very fine line between being hard on myself, as banging my head against the wall so to speak, in trying to deliberately walk through such points into self change, and between taking the simple/physical/practical approach of accepting who I am as the self belief - I realize that walking this fine line is where self honesty is developed - this is where it's not a prewritten recipe with a right and wrong way to go about it - for example, I know I have been too hard on myself from the perspective that I have been allowing myself to judge myself and then my starting point was always within judgment, which created a form of struggle within my process, as if I am bad and must fix/change myself to deserve and be worthy of life - and my friend on the other hand has accepted his limitations and self beliefs and truly believes there is nothing to be done besides changing his environment/circumstances to suite him… I would like to learn to apply both, as to accept myself as who I am at this very moment within the accepted self belief, as this is where I am now, and from this point of awareness, of seeing clearly who I have created myself as, to realize that this self belief has power over me only as long as I allow it to, and from there to start a process of self investigation to understand the structure of the self belief, of my relationship to the self belief, to be able to let it go within self forgiveness and to not be enslaved to it any longer.
I have been judging myself and from a starting point of self judgment I have resisted to walk my process of self forgiveness, and thus have resisted to apply myself in writing and thus sabotaging my process of self change. I have been procrastinating writing with so many excuses and justifications, even though each time I have written it has been so supportive, and so, depriving myself from this support is simply a form of self neglect and abuse, as a form of a self statement of not being worthy of support due to the massive self judgment.
And so, I am here, and I stop the self abuse, I stop neglecting myself, I commit myself once again to support myself in writing, to open up the self beliefs, the thoughts, the patterns, one by one, within breath, slowly and surely until it is done. so here I am, starting over once again. Making the decision to take care of myself, to support myself and to free myself from the limitations, manipulation and abuse of the mind as I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as.
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Monday, May 13, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
Day 198 - 21 days of self dedication - Self Value - self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not taking advantage of the time I had on the farm
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment as a fear of others judging me for not being effective / accomplishing anything in the time I had here at the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting my family / friends when I return, in fear of being judged for how I spent / what I had done with my time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into emotional possession as an experience of fear / anxiety / worry towards meeting the people back home and facing their criticism / judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with emotions as anxiety towards my return, instead of supporting myself in writing as to open up and see the point of self judgment being projected as the source of my emotional breakdown, and within this to apply self forgiveness in taking self responsibility to change in the points that require correction, and let go the points that are merely a mind created and false judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be effective in the time I had here at the farm, within not actually pushing myself in every moment to see / find / do something that will benefit me within self support
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of taking the time I had here at the farm, and making sure I use it as effective as I can, within realizing that time is only running in one direction, and that is out - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that time is not on my side from the perspective that every moment lost will never come back, and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to act from within this understanding that there isn't much time though there is much work to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for wasting my time and the time of others here at the farm for taking the time in their day to give me all the support that I needed but I had take it for granted, expecting something to happen / change because they were supporting me, not accepting the fact that with all the support that I get, I must support myself and commit myself to myself and dedicate myself to myself in order for anything to happen / change in my world and experience / relationship of / with myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, even here in this supportive environment, to be self honest, to communicate in self honesty, and instead I have put on an act, trying to always keep my cool, trying to always seem ok, and only when the energy build up was too much for me to handle would I uncontrollably explode with emotion - thus, not using this supportive platform effectively, in learning how to communicate to others in asking for support, and in learning how to support myself when I see so clearly that something is building up within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my time at the farm according to an idea of how it should have been to have been effective and supportive and within that I am not allowing myself to walk my own process here within seeing in self honesty what it had in fact been, not in relation to an idea but in simply in reality, and within seeing what actually was to learn form it, as appose to judge myself for it based to comparing myself to an idea
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see all the insights and realizations I have picked up at the time I spent in the farm, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not seeing / realizing, instead of simply leaving it as is, and within this allowing the realizations to come up from within me, and not from judgment / fear / expectation of the mind
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Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Day 197 - 21 days of self dedication - self value - day 7
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the feeling / experience of isolation to being alone, and within that to have attached a negative charge to being alone, with myself - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer not being alone, with myself, but to have placed more value on being with others - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others more than myself as I prefer their presence rather than my own.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself, and within it to enjoy my present - to be satisfied just being here within and as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must do something to earn value from, not allowing myself to embrace / accept myself unconditionally, but to judge my value according to what I do, and in relation to others
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize all life is equal, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that as long as I don't value myself, I am a living expression of inequality, whereas in equality all life has equal value and thus value loses it's meaning - thus, as long as I experience the pain / inner conflict of not seeing my own self worth / value, I am in fact participating in the expression and manifestation of inequality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know myself as unworthy / invaluable, within this, to put myself down, to sell myself short, and to accept / expect the worst - all within a starting point of not realizing myself as valuable as life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize my own self value, and to live according to it, instead I have been living and expressing myself in alignment with the experience of worthlessness, and thus not pushing myself outside of this loop, as I believe myself to be worthiness and then prove myself right by not living as a living example and expressing of worth / value - instead of stepping out of the loop, within forgiving myself for ever going into it, and within stopping my pattern of participation within it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate failure within the starting point of not seeing my self value, and within it to give up before I even try as to prove myself right
When and as I see myself going into the mind as back chat and future projection of failure, I stop myself and breathe, I note to myself what are the practical steps that I can currently take, and I act on them - when and as I see myself giving up before even trying, within not applying the practical steps but instead preparing the way towards failure - I stop myself and breathe - I push myself beyond my limits within realizing that it is these points of resistance that change is possible, and the only way to exist as valuable is to live as valuable
I forgive myself for accepting and alliwung myself to hold onto memories as justifications of not valuing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of family events / scenarios, where I have compared myself back the as less than, and here I am today, still using this memory against myself as proof of my inferiority - instead of putting a stop to it within not allowing myself to abuse and mistreat myself as such through the mind, but to stand up for myself and demand myself to be respectful towards myself, to honor myself, and it starts with letting go the memories that are emotionally charged, and within breath, considering the practical common sense of reality as the physical
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and apply that my mind cannot be trusted, and thus, I must walk only in the breath as what is here, and anything that comes from the mind as words in my head and emotions / feelings / thoughts / back chat / energy that comes up within me that I didn't direct - I must investigate, and if it isn't one with the principle of that which is best for all life, and within it best for self - I stop it, forgive it, let it go, and breathe
I realize I have been easy with myself, always going back to the painful comfort of the mind - this is actually another point of self worth / value - where I have created such judgment towards myself for not moving / changing within my process, that it has become another layer of unworthiness, within this I realize that it is a mind trap, and that by "feeling" that I have no value because I am not walking effectively, is not a step towards walking effectively and is not a step towards step value - a step in the right direction would be to write it out - and if I believe I have not yet begun my process - then simply begin it - make the decision - walk it, live it, commit to it, to self, to life - there is nothing to think about or judge simply do.
I realize from this perspective that yes, my value should be unconditional, lol, but even saying that is a form of judgment, isn't it?... And so, I realize that the more I apply myself the more valuable I become towards myself, the more I write I express self care and that speck of self value / worth enhances - and so, I commit myself to use the experience of worthlessness / feeling invaluable as a reminder to sit down and write, and care for myself and forgive myself and support myself, or to apply myself in any thing I have decided to do - this within realizing that the experience of being invaluable is like a black hole, that sucks me into a spiral of self pity - and only self support, practical physical action is the way to prove myself wrong and "snap out of it" in self direction and self honor.
In this, I commit myself, when I see that energy / back chat of worthlessness coming up, to shake it off with a physical action, such as writing, or self forgiveness - in writing or a loud, or an actual physical jump / walk / shake - to physically shake off and away the destructive sucking energy of worthlessness - and within it, I commit myself to live self worth
What is the expression of self worth / self value? It is self care, self support, self investigation, self forgiveness, self change and self honesty - anything otherwise is thus the expression ad manifestation of worthlessness, all of which I must terminate.
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Saturday, May 4, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
I've been walking this process with desteni for a while now, and I recently noticed that I've been dong it all wrong… lol…
What I mean is that I have been taking on the information and seeing the truth in it as a philosophy, and I even appreciate the practical application and see the validity and common sense within it - but I have not actually taken the actual real step of applying it for and as myself and testing for and as myself to see if it is actually a valid practical solution, as suggested to write and self forgive and so on.
So, in this process you get to see that all that you though was good in the world is not really, and that all that I believed about myself is not in fact who I am - and without the application of self forgiveness what I have done is taken all this information on as another way to judge and abuse myself - like now I have validation that I am as bad a fuck up as I believe myself to be - all the other groups / religions / methodologies / spiritualities that I have been involved with always had a nice twist to it all, and so you could always end up thinking of yourself that you are ok and that everything will be ok - here with desteni you get the harsh truth, and the point is to understand the mechanics of it, to realize that even this fuck up that we have become does not define us, and to through actual practical application of self forgiveness and self investigation in self honesty into finding practical and livable solutions to change oneself into becoming a being of integrity - so, I got the point, I saw the harsh truth, and I used it against myself, instead of APPLYING SELF FORGIVENESS.
Without self forgiveness as a basic tool in this process of self change, as letting go of the "who I am" that you believe yourself to be, and instead recreating yourself, rebirthing yourself as life, into an actual living being, that is not automated by destructive and abusive robotic patterns, but that actually lives for and as life, all life, equally.
How have I abused myself with this process? (Let this be a warning for all of you that may do this to yourself - don't!!!)
As I said, I saw all the "bad" things in the world, nothing that I thought was good was real anymore - I saw love as self interest, I saw friendships as deceptive, I saw myself as acting and never actually living as myself, and my thoughts -I saw how evil they really were, so much manipulation and fear and spitefulness, and judgment - wow, so much judgment…
Anyway, without the act of forgiving myself for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, without making a statement towards myself that I see who I have been and become and I direct myself to change myself into a being of self worth - without forgiveness there is no forgiveness, and then all there is, is seeing all this crap and bathing in it, judging myself for it, and going down a distractive spiral of self judgment - and doing so in the justification that I am walking process, preaching to anyone who will listen that I am walking a process of self change and sharing how this process is the best - when in fact all I have done with it is use it against me - it's interesting too, cause I have been getting feedback from my friends, from the very beginning of my walking, that I am being to hard on myself within this process, and I told myself that they just don't get it and just justified myself as being right, and everything I am doing is the right thing to do, I was on this high of "I found the path, you are all losers" - lol, but actually I was the loser, because I had found a path, I was convinced it was a worthy path to walk, yet instead of walking it for and as myself, I stood by it, watching other people going past it and judging them, or walking on it and comparing myself to them in inferiority asking myself "how are they moving so fast, and why am I not moving? What is wrong with me?" when I hadn't yet taken the step of making a clear decision of walking down this path, trusting myself within it - in this path, SELF FORGIVENESS is a necessary part of the path / process - I wanted to believe that it doesn't have to be, but 4 years later I am standing in the same, and other's that have been applying self forgiveness share their experience, and something is happening in their lives - they are changing. Can I say that about myself? I'm not so sure.
So if I were a scientist, my research shows, that walking next to process but not actually walking it for / as myself within actually applying the tools - has been found to be not effective - where as other people testify that walking the process for real, within an honest intention of self investigation and self change in self forgiveness - has been found to being very effective. So, as a scientist, I should now conduct a true experiment, to check for myself if this is true - if consistent application of self forgiveness within an honest intention of self investigation and self change, is actually effective.
I guess this is what my 21 days of self dedication is about - I am fed up with walking but not really walking this process - I have been on the farm for 8 months and it's fucking frustrating seeing myself not moving, not changing, not applying - the only thing is that everything is amplified here, so I see myself with more clarity - and it is not a lovely sight, as before, but with more clarity… and still, no self forgiveness means no self forgiveness - and what I require most is to forgive myself so I can start living with myself in peace, so I can start recreating myself and rebirthing myself as a life worth living.
This is way I state that I have misused the process, because I have taken something that could have been of great benefit for me, and instead of applying it, I have stood behind it and used it to justify my own continued self abuse / sabotage / judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misuse the desteni process as a platform of self abuse disguised as self support, not realizing that I am only sabotaging myself by doing so, and that I am creating a relationship with the process as not being effective, but in fact I have never given it a valid chance, so to speak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take al the "bad" realizations from what I've seen through the knowledge within the desteni process, and instead of walking it through a process of self forgiveness within realizing that only through forgiveness can I take responsibility for the point, as to let it go and change myself in relationship to it - I have seen the point and deliberately used it against me in self judgment / sabotage
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self realizations against me, as armor of self judgment / abuse, within justifying myself through holding onto the past that I am fucked and will not change so no point of trying - instead of taking a breath, realizing that even these thoughts are not coming from myself but are a result of my constant participation within / as the mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of self forgiveness effectively within fear / resistance towards change, as change would be a physical indication that I was in fact living a lie, and there is a point of ego as myself, as a point of "I want to be right" that is resisting change, as it would prove I was always ever wrong
I commit myself to walking this process slowly and gently, but within applying discipline as to actually walk in consistency, until I can say in self honesty that I have given it a shot, and actually see for myself the benefits or lack thereof - within this, when / if I see benefits form this application, I commit myself to support myself with this application and consistently supporting myself with it - I commit myself to become a being that supports oneself in self care and not continue allowing myself to sabotage/ abuse myself repeatedly
Ok - more tomorrow
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Friday, May 3, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
I have a nasty tendency to be hard on myself, to judge myself and the situation into expecting the worse, I assume, and prepare myself for the worst - this is completely self destructive, I mean - nothing good can come out of it, it is totally based in fear and doesn't not allow myself to actually put my heart into anything because I am so worried of failure that I don't even try.
I have recently made a career decision, and in the past few days I have been training for this career, the training is intensive, there is a lot to learn, know and perfect, so "naturally" I very often go to the "I'm still not good enough" character, which it's actually funny now that I look at it, because it is true that I am still not good enough - is a common sense fact that one must practice and only with consistent application and with experience, will one come to perfect one's application, but I haven't been saying to myself "I'm still not good enough" from a starting point of self honesty and common sense, but rather from a starting point of only seeing the worst, looking for the points of imperfection while ignoring the progress, getting a form of rush from not being good enough, as it validates my existence as a no-good-failure…
And, seriously, I mean, this is very fucked up, it is obviously not self supportive, it is actually self abuse - if I would treat a child as I treat myself I would be taken away for child abuse - I must learn to parent myself, to be my own parent, to practice self discipline and push myself to do the work that needs to be done, but also to gently embrace myself in self acceptance, in common sense, in realizing that everything that I will ever learn will always be a process, there are no real McDonald's quick fix magic, and thus, there is no point to beat me up while I'm learning but rather to nurture myself in support and understanding. Man, why is it so hard to care for myself enough to unconditionally give myself the chance to learn, expand and develop? I've had enough of this shit!!! And here self doubt comes up again, reminding me that I've had enough before and have did nothing about it, so why is this time going to be any different? What can I say to that?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the past as memories to dictate who I am, instead of unconditionally letting go the past and allowing myself to direct myself here, in breath, in common sense and practicality, within self support as what is best for all life.
I realize that each time I allow myself to go down the rabbit's whole with this chain of thoughts as "why is this time going to be different" I am giving such thoughts power over me, as I am validating them through my participation, and so, I commit myself to stop myself in breath, if and when such thoughts come up, as thoughts that take the wind out of my sail so to speak, thoughts that are based in my past experience, trapping me to the past and depriving me the possibility of changing - and so, I commit myself to stop, and to as I have done just now, write out the point, expose my thoughts to myself so that I know what I am allowing myself to do / tell to myself. I realize that I have accumulated this character / personality over years, and that it will take years of stopping and forgiving to actually stop once and for all - and so, am I up for the challenge? Well, there is no other choice is there? I cannot un-know that which I know about myself, I cannot un-see that which I've seen, so I haven't really got an option, because it will always, always, always, come back to this, because there really is no where to run and hide, so there is no point trying, and trying to hide only makes things worse and only accumulates more shit to deal with.
Today, after a few days of training I have lost my voice - I see this as a physical manifestation of self sabotage, as an excuse to rest and take a break, and so, instead of taking a self directed brake, or on the contrary, instead of directing myself to push through the desire to rest and complete the task in constant self motivation, I have given myself a physical condition, another form of self victimization, using the body as an excuse to rest instead of being direct about it or directly pushing through it, either way, not being self honest with myself up to the point of manifesting a physical condition - I can also see this sudden loss of voice, as a justification for failure, as if proving to myself that even physically I don't have what it takes to succeed in the business. I can also see it as the expression of the fear of speaking up and being heard - but the bottom line is, no matter what the actual reason, it is based in self dishonesty in regards to fear, self inadequacy and self judgment - and I cannot stress this point enough - it's time to stop!!!
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my body is going through due to my participation in self sabotaging thoughts, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scarifies my physical body, disregarding it completely, as I participate in fear, and self sabotaging instead of supporting myself here, as the physical as what is actually here as life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that every moment spent in the mind as thoughts / back chat / emotions / fears / excitements, is a moment not spent here, within and as my physical body, and thus, is a moment spent in separation of / from myself, and thus, of / from reality
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the direct connection between my participation within / as the mind and the physical body suffering
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my physical body as myself, go through due to my addiction to the mind's patterns and energy, while using the excuse that I don't see / experience my direct responsibility to pain and suffering of my physical body, and thus to allow myself to continue within / as my mind, but in fact it is deliberate self deception, because regardless of what I don't see directly, I do see directly other forms of abuse and suffering cause by my participation within / as my mind, and I have yet to stop - so at least I should be self honest with myself and not pretend that I don't see the pain, because I do - it is all the same in all levels / dimension, and so, if my participation within / as the mind cause pain / suffering on any level, it causes pain / suffering in all levels - and it fucking does!!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself into believing that I would do something if I saw the pain, because I am a caring being and couldn't stand the sight / knowledge of suffering, but the fact is that all I have ever lived for has been self interest, and not actual care, and so, I forgive myself for judging myself for that, and therefore lying to myself, and instead I commit myself to developing self care within equality and oneness, and what is best for all life, and so to learn to care not only for myself in self interest, but for all as equals - and to become a being of self honor
It's interesting because I can see all scenarios, and I see how I am the only one responsible for the outcome - thus, I see, realize and understand that if I succeed of fail is completely up to me, I know this to be true, and within this, I know and can further more investigate, what are the points where I can set myself up for a fall, where are the points that will be a challenge and where there will be a point of decision - will I allow myself to push through and succeed, or will I accept my failure without even trying to push through such a predictable point / challenge…
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare the way before me towards failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself with not applying myself as effectively as I know I can, and then to judge myself for not applying myself as best as I can enhancing the experience of being a failure - not realizing how it is all directly created by myself, within my participation with these useless and destructive thoughts.
I forgive myself for judging myself for losing my voice, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider that my voice requires rest, and not to place value and more back chat over it, but simply allow my voice to rest and restore itself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to self sabotage, self judgment, negativity and pessimism, as fast as an instinct, instead of allowing myself to slow myself down, and to breathe, and to not follow such thoughts patterns, like a lifeless puppet, but to allow myself to become the directive principle of my life, and actually direct myself into stability, and not allow myself to go into that evil state of self abuse - till here no further - that's enough!!
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