Monday, July 15, 2013

Day 215 - Fear of people - being alone - follow up and conclusions

Follow up from last blog - last night I went to a party, I didn't know anyone and I just sat there some of the time I sat alone and I actually didn't go into anxiety about it, and I had awesome conversations with random people, took some phone numbers and might have made some connections from a practical perspective - it was cool - though I still didn't allow myself to be as free as I wanted to, so I am still walking the point, and actually while I was there I "forgot" that I had just written about this point and I didn't then apply myself practically - this point of "forgetting the point I am walking" has been coming up often - and the only explanation I have is that while I am writing my self forgiveness and opening the point up, I am not here and am not actually doing it as self support - because if I was I would "remember", but instead I write it just because I know I have to, I know I have to because it is so supportive and if I don't I will go down the rabbit hole of my mind and trap myself in it, so I do see the value of daily writing, but it is still done in separation, as a point of external consequence, like I'm doing it so the teacher will see that at least I am trying, while in fact I am not doing my best, I am not pushing as hard as I can, I am not investigating myself as self honestly as I could be - but there is no teacher watching over me and the consequences are not created by an external force but rather they are directly created by myself, and the more I write the more I see that I am causing my own suffering and discomfort, and yet, I am still struggling to get past this point and actually writing for myself and being here fully as I write, and write within the starting point of self support in fact.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself from a starting point of being watched by a teacher form, thus actually doing it in separation of myself as I am not doing it for myself but for external eyes watching over me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself within a starting point of religion, as I have placed a god like watch guard on me, as the eyes that see everything I do and will create the consequences if I mess up, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have turned this practical application in to a religion instead of doing it for myself in full awareness


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually see, realize and understand that I am here living this life, and I am here living the consequences of my actions, and I have the choice and the ability to change within self honesty, or not, and it is my responsibility to face myself because no one else will do it for me, and my doing so can effect others from the perspective that I could exist as I living example of how people can change and perfect themselves, but as long as I am not doing it, it is not here and is not a reality, and so, as within so without - my not changing myself within a starting point of self support implies and reflects that I don't care about myself nor anyone else


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a good person that cares about myself and others around me while in fact in practicality I have not bee doing the bare minimum of expressing this care through practical physical application, and thus, have made this "I care" as a character that I can talk about and express to people, hence the good conversation, instead of letting go the idea of I am a caring person and actually allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself in every moment, where the first act of caring would be caring for myself and doing all I can to nurture and support myself, not for anyone else but for myself because I would care about and for myself, then, the expression of caring for others must be within a starting point of living as an example, and working towards a practical solution - so far I have been talking the talk much more then walking the walk, like I enjoy presenting myself as part of the most caring group in the world, or perhaps more accurately, the only caring group of people in the world, yet, I have not been an active participant from the perspective that I know I can do so much more if I would bring myself to actually care and live this care as the expression of myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care only about the thoughts and feelings and emotions and fears that come up in my mind, instead of caring for myself as the physical and for everybody else as the physical and thus, within caring for the mind and placing the mind above me as the physical I have not been pushing through the resistance in self interest, as I would simply do what the mind wants, as I follow it into self destruction


I realize that every time that I have thoughts / back chat / emotions / feelings / fears that come up and direct me into any direction that is not what is best for al, I am a facing a choice and can chose to follow the mind or can chose to resist the temptation within and as implementing the tools of writing and self forgiveness as to allow myself to see the construct that has come up, as to not suppress it but rather work through it, and so, I realize that in every moment of every breath I can make a new choice and am not limited to the previous choice, thus, I can chose to change now and today starting to live within the principle of what is best for all, regardless of not yet doing it previously. And I realize that in every moment that I chose self interest, that I chose the comfort of not pushing myself, when I chose the "hanging out" rather than applying myself - that is a choice and it will in every moment accumulate as who I am and allowing myself to be, so I realize that I must make sure that I accumulate more "points" of self support and actual genuine care than points of self interest and abuse - I realize this is a process and I will not change over night, but within this I also realize that making the decision is instantaneous and changing my starting point happens in a moment, so there really is no excuse.


I realize that it isn't about writing daily but rather writing daily within a starting point of self support and self care, and thus, I commit myself to before and while writing ensure that I am here and breathing, and if and when I see that I am writing in a state of rush as to "just get it over with" I stop myself and breathe, if necessary I attend to what needs my attention so that I can be here fully and write for and as myself, within this I commit myself to prioritize and not allow any distraction to become an excuse of "I'll do it later" because looking at the greater picture - what could be more important than supporting myself in this process of self discovery and self change? Nothing really, and so, I commit myself to set up a time and actually apply myself effectively within this time frame, as planning a date with myself, as I would plan with another, and respect this self date as I would respect a date with another


So here I am , making the decision to care for myself and to live this car as an actual physical act, within supporting myself through this process of writing and self forgiveness, to investigate and see in self honesty who I have created myself as, and change myself within the principle of re-creating myself as a human being that lives as an example, that if everybody would learn from my example this world would be best for all - this is my indication that I have lots of work to do, because I know what goes on in my mind, and I know that if everybody in the world would learn from my example at the moment, the world will not be a better place for all - and so I commit myself to walk this process until I can be a living example of the principle of equality as what is best for all -

I realize this must start with myself, if I only care about one being in the world I must be to actually care for myself, not as the mind as to care for my thoughts and feeling and emotions, but for myself, the being that is here, that is experiencing all these ups and downs, the one that is not yet directing oneself but is powerlessly following the thoughts / emotions / feeling, to support myself as the being that is here, to stand up within myself and direct myself, take responsibility and live with integrity and self honor.

Yes, there is a long way to go…


I realize the value of breath, and I commit myself to use breath as a tool of self support, to slow myself down and to ground myself, to return to my physical body where I am here, and to direct myself to move from a starting point of breath, to allow myself to stop and breath as many times during the day - to make stopping and breathing my practice, before anything I do / say I stop and breathe and consider what is best for all, what would be most practical and effective and supportive, and what is within justification and self interest - and to slowly but surely more from there, from here, one step at a time.


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