Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review
I was on the verge of giving up on myself altogether, wanting to hit rock bottom, rationalizing it to myself with the idea that is I allow myself to hit the bottom I will have to stand up from there, justifying giving up as an essential and even supportive part of the process, as if I cannot direct myself to stand up from where I am here, in this very moment, as if only if I push myself to the edge and only if I experience enough pain and suffering will I motivate myself to stand up and change. As if making giving up a directive decision - but who, in their right mind, would decide to harm/abuse/hurt themselves? If one can see change needs to be done, why not simply stand up and change? Why allow abuse?
I've been allowing myself, within full awareness, to abuse myself, by not shaking myself out of the energetic possession, by not stopping myself, as if only through experiencing myself broken, abused, weak, useless, will I be able to pick myself up - how fucked up is this, to want to hurt myself, to want to abuse myself, to not trust myself enough to push myself up from here, from where I am, but to justify more abuse and more suffering - do I have no self respect, do I have no self appreciation, do I have no sense of self motivation within common sense to realize that after giving up and crawling up into a ball I will just find myself in the exact same place, only that much more broken, with that much less self esteem, with that much less will power…
I realize that I am in a position that allows me to give up, because I am not actually in harms way, it's not that I'm actually being physically abused, I'm not being physically enslaved - physically everything is fine, and that's why I can allow myself to play around with giving up, while other are physically abused/suppressed/starving, while they cannot stand up for a change because they are in fact weak within this system, on the other hand, I have all the ability, the skill, the resources to stand up for myself and for them as myself, and I end up giving up, I chose to give up because I can, because I know I will still have food on my table, I know I will still have shelter, I know I am safe, because I am the elite, because I have money - thus by allowing myself to give up I am postponing myself from actually changing, I am postponing bringing about a change in the world, because it doesn't really concern me, because I don't really care, because I will survive either way…
This is why I say that giving up is an elitist privilege, because we have the luxury of giving up without losing anything substantial, physical as life, we can play around in our mind, as we masturbate with the thought of giving up, while others that cannot stand up for themselves die. They die as we whine, they are waiting for us to stand up, and we are busy giving up?... While they are the ones who are paying the price.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to exist in my mind within a state of depression, and not pushing myself to stand up from within it but rather allow myself to accept it as myself, as a fact, not realizing that my experience is my creation and thus i do in fact have the power to change my experience if i will myself to do so
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the low energy I experience is me and that it defines me as who I am, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace myself as depression from a perspective of believing that this is who i am, which is in essence the reverse of actually embracing myself as that would mean to support myself as life, to get out of the energetic experience that i have allowed to possess me, and to not accept such self abuse as allowing myself to exist as low/depressed energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the energy to take over me within the belief that I am powerless against it, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself i am not able to stand in the face of energy, instead of stopping myself as such thoughts and actually standing up within myself and moving myself to prove me wrong, instead of accepting it and proving me right, through not standing – i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is up to me in every moment, and thus if i stay in the low/depressed energy it is because of my acceptance and allowance, and not because i am not capable, because i have never really tried to stop, so how can i believe myself to be incapable of stopping, and even once i push myself to stop, i must realize that it might take practice and consistency, so even if i try and “fail” i cannot actually conclude that i am incapable, it would only mean that i must investigate the point further, and simply get up and do it again, until i make it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up on myself as a solution for my problems, not realizing that giving up is just postponing the inevitable of standing up as myself within self honesty as I realize that only through living self honestly as one and equal to/as myself will I ever find "peace", thus, I realize that giving up is not a solution but only prolonging the problem as allowing myself to exist within/as the mind, giving my power away in separation from/as myself, and thus allowing separation/energy to be dominant as the directive principle within myself and the world as a whole, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself within allowing myself to actually live as myself within self honesty and not as the mind in self interest as separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up as an easy way out, as I have allowed myself to believe that giving up is like a pause on life, not realizing that there is no such thing to pause/stop life, life is here in every moment in every breath, I can either participate in supporting myself as life, or participate in abusing myself as life - the choice is mine, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever make any choice/decision because I have always allowed myself to exist as the mind as energy as feeling/emotions and thus have never really made a directive decision but always have been directed by self interest as within the desire to feel good through believing my feelings/emotions/thoughts as they will protect me and lead me towards a good life for myself, not realizing that within realizing existence to be one interconnected existence, I will never achieve true happiness as long as it is based in self interest because I will always know within myself the price others are paying for my happiness, thus within self interest I am deeming myself to a life of shame and guilt and regret, within realizing this I realize that my emotions/feelings/thoughts can only lead me down the path of self interest because they are created within/as my mind as separation, thus I realize they are invalid - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my thoughts/feelings/emotions within believing they are bigger/stronger than me, not even trying to stop myself within already have making the choice to give up on myself which means to exist in self interest and suffer the consequences of shame and regret, thus I stop. When and as I see myself falling in the pattern of giving up, I push myself to support myself to stand, I realize giving up is not an option, it is only creating more pain and suffering in my own life and the lives of others as I postpone myself from standing and directing myself to change myself and the world as myself, thus I commit myself to support myself within/as breathing, as I breathe until the energetic possession has passed, within this I commit myself to support myself with physical movement as I have proven to myself that as I jump and move around and return to myself as the physical body, within enjoying myself as my physical body it is supporting me to "get out" of the mind possession and thus able to sit down and write it out for better clarity as to see the source of the possession as to be able to not fall in the same mind loop again.
To be continued
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Tuesday, September 25, 2012
So the first fear I must face is the fear of facing
myself, within understanding that I, as self as life, am not who I am programed
to be, I as life as self is not defined by the program, thus I must allow
myself to see the program as myself, to see myself for who I have allowed
myself to be, so that I can once and for all take responsibility and direct
myself as support to all life, as that is the only way that I will be able to
stand in the face of death without the shame I have now towards myself for not
supporting life, the shame for ignoring life and allowing abuse, allowing pain,
creating pain for my own personal interest, to get a good feeling that has been
programed into me as sugar, to keep me running towards the temptations of the
positive feelings and away from the negative, thus allowing myself to be a
slave to my feelings/emotions, a lifeless robot that is moved and directed by
cue, with no inner movement, no self will or self direction… is this who I want
to be? Is this how I am accepting myself as?
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as shame
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself be ashamed of myself within taking who
I am personally within believing who I am, as how I have accepted and allowed
myself to be and become, defines me and thus I go into shame as stating to
myself that I am accepting myself as who I have defined myself as, instead of
actually investigating myself and making a directive decision as to who I want
to be from here on out, as living into the physical the principle of what is best for all within equality
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within
the experience of shame, through not allowing myself to see/face myself due to
fear/resistance of experiencing shame towards myself, within that allowing
myself to be directed by the desire for "good" feelings while
avoiding the "bad" feeling such as shame, within this I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use shame as what is actually
here as a tool of self support to assist me in seeing/realizing myself as who I
have accepted myself to be and from the point of seeing/realizing myself to
push myself to change, and within this to stop allowing myself exist within/as
shame.
within
this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the
desire for "good" feelings and avoidance of "bad" feelings
within not realizing that this is how I have enslaved myself to/as the mind as
being directed blindly through good/bad feelings instead of directing myself as
what is best for all within self honesty
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within shame within not
realizing that who I am as that which I am ashamed of does not actually define
me as life, and thus I can, within self will/movement, change myself in to a
being that supports all life
I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use the experience of shame as
a toll, to investigate that which I experience shame towards and to decide
within/as self honesty who I want to be within/as the point, considering all
life as a whole and not only my self interest, because I have realized that any
self interest that compromise life is of the mind as separation, and thus a
point that later comes up as shame towards self
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shame within/as myself instead
of using it as self support to expose/face myself, to allow myself to see
within self honesty who I have allowed myself to become and take self
responsibility accordingly and change myself as what is best for all within
every point that I shame
I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate points of shame
because I didn't want to let go of the value system I have been existing as
within points I experience shame towards, within this I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to defined myself according to the value system I
was taught by my parents/society and within that allow myself to judge myself
within the experience of shame when I do not stand as the value I was taught by
the system, not realizing the extent of mind control within that as suppressing
my self-expression, and not accepting myself as myself due to ideas of values
and morality that I have accepted without considering life within/as the
physical
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself within
believing that that which I am ashamed of defines me, not realizing that within
self will/movement I have the ability to change myself and to become a being
that I will not be ashamed of because I will know I am living according to what
I have decided to live as, within a self directed decision, and thus I realize
that participating within/as shame is a self manipulation to not take
responsibility and to actually change, but to prefer the self punishment in
form of the negative feeling as shame instead of actually changing within/as
the physical
I forgive
myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use shame as self manipulation
to get myself out of looking/investigating a point within/as myself due to not
wanting to take self responsibility, within the desire to remain within/as my
self interest while not considering all life as what is best for all but to
stay in my small bubble of self interest and shame not allowing myself to
change myself into/as support of all life
I commit
myself to stop myself within/as shame because I realize it is a self
manipulation keeping me from changing within existing as separation from myself
and the physical reality as life, and staying trapped in the mind as
shame/judgment
I commit
myself to show that shame is a self manipulation to get self out of taking self
responsibility within this physical reality and remaining trapped within/as the
mind as judgment and fear, within this I commit myself to take each point of
shame within me as a gift of life and forgive myself within making a directive
decision to change as what is best for all, because I know within self honesty
that only that which is best for all is actually best for me within the
consideration of living shamelessly and only within living that which is best
for all can I face myself at my judgment day and stand with no regrets for all
that I've accepted and allowed as myself
I commit
myself to look at all points of shame and to investigate within self honesty if
the point is valid within perspective of is it showing me myself as my
participation within a mind created
point of self interest, and thus I will change myself within/as it, or if the
point is not valid, within showing me a point I am judging myself for, due to
beliefs/values that I have accepted from my parents/society, and thus ,I look
at the value system I have placed and clear myself form the value system that
has directed me through allowing myself to judge myself and others within it.
I commit
myself to walk a day by day process of stopping the mind within/as breath
through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements, because I
have realized that being directed by the mind is not trust worthy as the mind
as all beliefs/emotions/feelings are a lie within not actually being here as
reality as the physical, and thus I realize that in order to birth myself as
life from the physical I must allow myself to let go all that is familiar
through my habit of participating with and believing the mind, and to
reestablish myself as life here within/as the physical in every breath
Sunday, September 16, 2012
This morning I had an interesting
experience during our morning
conversation where we talked about the possibility of there being a big nuclear
war. Looking at the history it's easy to see that every time there was an economic
crises in the world economy, it has been "solved" through bringing
about a big war, to distract the people, to create jobs, to destroy and then to
build…. I don't understand how war creates money, but apparently it does. Obviously
not all benefit from the money made at war, and many people will suffer and die,
but nevertheless, it's the capitalistic way.
During our talk I had a
"scary thought" about nuclear war in Israel (where I come from), and I
was flushed by a sadness of seeing in my mind a quick image of everything and
everybody being totally burned to the ground and completely wiped out, the next
thought was about the suffering and death of my family and friends, and the
next one was about the loss I would experience when they've all gone and I will
be left an orphan within no friends/family/country, all alone.
So I'm sitting there, feeling
sad and sorry for those I care about dying in a horrible/painful death, when I then
realized the self-interest/deception within it all, is ones death more painful
than another's? Am I sad for my loss or for their death? Am I sad for them dying
or for their pain and suffering?
It suddenly hit me that people
are actually dying as I am writing this blog, people are starving, people are
being raped, sold as sex slaves… and there is a war going on all the time,
people are being shot every day…. And I am sitting here feeling sad and sorry
for the idea of my loved ones dying when actual real live people are dying in
pain and suffering all the time and I don't care.
The conversation was very
emotional to me, first the point of fear of loss and pain/suffering of my loved
ones, and then the realization of all the suffering that is going on at the
very moment, to other people, that I don't know, but they are alive and
suffering and I don't fucking care. So I was faced in disbelief to my disregard
of life, to my indifference to the cruelty that I am allowing as this system to
go on undisturbed, while I worry about a war that hasn’t started that will
perhaps hurt people I know.
I'm not sure I'm getting the
point across, I know it's natural to care for those that we love, but does that
mean it's ok not to care for those we don't know? Is it acceptable that
people/animals are suffering while it can be prevented, but we are just
allowing it because it's not our loved ones…. What the fuck!!!
As I said, I am Israeli, so
we mention the memory of the holocaust every year. One major point that is brought
up is how the world sat around and did nothing while so many people were slaughtered.
And I ask you now, how can we sit around and do nothing while so many are being
tortured by the system and do nothing??????? How can we accept all the
suffering that is created by our fellow human beings and sit back and allow it.
We are participating through our allowance; we are responsible through our allowance.
And we must pay the consequences through our allowance. We can try to hide our
responsibility behind the fact that we are not directly hurting anybody, but
looking within self-honesty – is that really true? Are we not hurting ourselves
as the expression of life by not standing up as what is best for all within equality
and stopping the horror show that we have allowed to go on?
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to experience fear towards nuclear war
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to fear there being a nuclear war in Israel,
within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into energetic
reaction of fear/sadness/distress
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to imagine the image of a nuclear war in Israel and
within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react
emotionally to the image presentation I have created in my mind
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my friends/family in a nuclear war
and to remain all alone in the world, within that I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to place more value on my "loved ones"
than on other beings just because I am 'connected' to them, not taking into
consideration other people's pain/suffering just because I don't know them
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to be saddened by the idea of losing everybody in
war because I fear being left alone, within this I forgive myself for not accepting
and allowing myself to actually consider the pain/suffering of the people but
only see my own suffering within self-interest within not wanting to be left
alone
I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to see the actual abuse/pain/suffering being will
be going through if a war does break through and within that I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to inly consider myself within self-interest
not taking into account anything and anyone as nature/animals/people that will
be harmed by a way
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to believe myself of being a good/nice/caring person when in fact I am no
better than any abuser that acts within self-interest because I have allowed
myself to exist within/as sell-interest as who I have allowed myself to become,
and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as
a good/caring character because it is socially more accepted in the society I come
from, and thus to hide the hidden manipulations that I have allowed to be the force of me.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to even in the face of war/murder/painful death to choose
my own self-interest as worrying about how I will be left alone within
family/friends and not consider the bigger picture of all the suffering of
earth/nature/animals/humans as result of war
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to value one death over another
I forgive myself for not accepting
and allowing myself to see that all men are created equally and thus all
pain/suffering/death is equal to all people, within that I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to value the death/suffering of those I know,
placing their lives as more valuable than other people's lives, within that
actually implying that I value my life more than anyone's life because the only
reason I have cared for those is because of self-interest, because I don't
prefer to be left alone
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to prefer people dye in war within a starting
point of resistance to have to face their suffering, within that I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the world only from the narrow eyes
of self interest instead of allowing myself to expand and be one with all life,
within taking everything into consideration within realizing I am one and equal
to all in existence and thus all is me as one and equal, within that I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as one and equal
but instead to remain closed off in my mind as self-interest induced by fear/justifications/characters,
anything to keep me trapped and not to realize myself as life
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to deliberately stay trapped within/as my mind because
of self-interest of not wanting to take self-responsibility because I want to in
fact be on top at the expense of other, within that I forgive myself for not accepting
and allowing myself to go of the ideas of the mind to be able to free myself
from the self-created/enforced prison I have been existing as, not actually
living, not actually supporting myself as life, but only pretending to be alive
and care about life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to actually care about life as all as one as equal
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation to such a extent that
people are dying within suffering/pain/abuse all around me and I do not care/do
anything to stop it
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to occupy myself within/as the mind and within/as self-interest
activities to distract myself from actually seeing all the pain/abuse/suffering
in the world because if I would in fact see it I could ignore it within the
excuse of ignorance anymore
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to disregard life as one and equal to/as myself
I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I disregard life I am in
fact disregarding myself as life
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to use the excuse of ignorance to ignore life, through
distracting me with my preoccupations, doing anything but allowing myself to
see the actual brutal/abusive reality of existence that I have been creating
and participating within/as, only to hide from myself the participation because
it is too hard to admit and to look at, and thus to blame others for creating
all the suffering while I have done nothing to stop it
Self Commitment
I commit myself to stop
myself within as breath when I become emotional about pain/suffering of loved
ones, because I have realized the deception within caring/valuing ones death
over anothers, within that I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath
when reacting emotionally because I realize it is energizing/feeding the mind
and is of no practical physical support
to the situation and thus to self
I commit myself to open my
eyes as to the abuse/pain going on around me and to realize within/through
self-investigation my participation within/as all of it, I commit to stop
hiding from myself the pain/abuse within justifications/excuses as if I had
nothing to do with it because I realize that I am participating with every
aspect of existence in every breath I take within the principle of equality and
within not doing a thing to change it
I commit myself to building
self-respect through committing myself to walking a daily process as I understand
that the only point I am actually able to change is self, and thus I commit myself
to change myself through writing/self-forgiveness/self-honesty/corrective
statement, because I realize that is the tools I have to change myself into a
being that respect life as one and equal, as I've realized that only through/as
equality/oneness can this world be corrected and actually enjoyable
I commit myself to walking a
daily process to change myself because I realize that if I can change anyone
can change, and along as I don't change and don't stop the abusive/disregarding
behavior I have accepted as myself, nothing is going to change
I commit myself to look at
myself within/as self-honesty, to take responsibility for who I have accepted
and allowed myself to be/become and to change myself in alignment within the
principle of equality to never again allow abuse/war/suffering within myself
and existence as myself
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