Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
The two main beliefs I see within the system design of self judgment in regards to appearance is that, 1) I believe appearance is valuable, as being pretty and looking good is a value, it makes you more, superior, it’s a point in your favor, 2) the other belief is that I'm not that, I'm not pretty, thus, I lack that value of being pretty as I have defined pretty in my mind and have given it value in my mind and then judged myself for lacking it in my mind.
How did I do this?
The memories go back to childhood, it's hard to pin point when it actually started, but what comes to mind is my relationship with my sister, how I saw her and in comparison how I saw myself. When we were growing up, and basically through out my entire life, I always knew within myself that my sister is "the pretty one", I always knew she was prettier than me - I remember my friends seeing her and saying to me how beautiful my sister is, this happened many times. I realize though, that these memories are not the source because I remember that I already had the experience as reaction within myself when they would say it, as I already have heard it before, I had already known this and them saying it was another confirmation of the truth I had already believed to be true, thus I have already have created the construct / belief and the energetic reaction to it. While growing up I never related being beautiful to myself, I always felt like I wasn't, I always connected beauty to my sister, I justified it with the comments I got from those around, as they would tell me how pretty my sister is, it was a simple conclusion - if I was pretty, would someone had told me as well? But no one did, or if they did I didn't believe it, and paid my attention on how pretty my sister was, as everybody always seemed surprised and expressed how beautiful she is.
This reminds me of an Israeli song "why didn't you tell me that your sister is prettier" I always experienced an inner pinch when I heard the song, I thought that all the guys in my life must have though it to themselves, that they got the less pretty sister, and had they'd known they would have chosen the other sister. I see within this that I was actually threatened by her beauty, like I will lose people / friends / lovers to her, like they will know her and will want to trade up. This created a construct of competition within me towards her, and towards any woman later on in my life that I defined as prettier than me, I couldn't simply be, I would be alert and try to prove myself, try to get some points to compensate on the lack of the valuable beauty I believed I had, within believing how important having it is.
This still doesn't explain how it all started…
In earlier years, I don't remember any comments from my family about her being prettier, but what I do remember is that I never knew how to smile in pictures, my mom used to take many pictures of us and I always had a fake, uncomfortable and exaggerated smile, my sister on the other hand would always look so pretty, like she was actually smiling her real smile. In those years , as I was growing up, I developed an interesting relationship to being photographed, because I had gone to the extreme of making a big and exaggerated smile that looked funny and unreal, like I was making a funny face intentionally, but I wasn't, I was trying to smile to the camera. I was camera shay and didn't know how to be in front of it, I didn't know how to smile a real smile and just look and be natural when the camera was pointed at me. So, in a way, through the photographs of me making these funny faces, I validated the point of not being pretty, and specifically not being as pretty as my sister, that always looked so good in pictures.
Throughout the years I have accumulated these memories one by one, every time someone commented about my sister being pretty I took it as proof of me not being as pretty, and I created this idea and self belief about myself, and within this self belief I have justified so many things in my life, especially failure in relationships - why? because I'm not pretty enough - all this within the accepted idea that beauty has value, as we see this everywhere in the media, and in gossip with friends, there seems to be an accepted consensus that beauty is important and valuable - so, here I am, a product of my society, believing beauty is valuable while believing myself to be less than my sister, thus creating myself as inferior, believing myself to be less than - I've taken in all the information and had come to that conclusion that beauty is valuable and I lack it - then I have lived by this idea and created it as myself - not once did I question the validity of the accepted social norm that beauty is valuable - I mean really, why would it be? We are basically born with a physical structure, it's not like if we are good and caring people we become more beautiful, it's not like if we are abusive or manipulative we become ugly - thus there is no actual connection between how we look and who we are - so why did I never question this and simply accepted it as a truth within reality, and in turn a truth about myself - as I have gone throughout my life believing I am lacking, and within the experience of being lacking, as being less than, I have always been looking around, outside of myself, to check everybody else's appearance, to see who I am in comparison to them, to validate my self belief through people that are more pretty than me proving I lack the value of beauty as I have taught myself to do through my relationship with my sister.
Looking at it now, it's not only sad, it is actual child abuse, to be living in a world where beauty is believed to have value - I mean, we can't do anything about how we look, it's not like we can apply ourselves, study harder, build self discipline and as a result be more beautiful - so living in a world where it is promoted that beauty is important and valuable is causing so much unnecessary suffering, and not only to those of us that believe ourselves to be not beautiful, but also to those that have gone all their lives believing themselves to be beautiful, because they did get the positive feedback growing up, and they fit in to the cultural beauty ideal - how can they know if people accept them for who they are or for their looks - it's similar to being rich and everybody knows about it - how can you trust that the people around you are with you for "who you are" and not for you money - the value we have given beauty has caused only distress, inner conflict, competition, jealousy and rivalry throughout history, and yet, I have accepted it and recreated it within and as myself, and even though there is no common sense in giving beauty value, I still have done it throughout my life, and still do it within self judgment - until I stand up within myself, within self honesty, and take responsibility for myself as not allowing myself to simply follow the social norm I have grown to be use to, and the program I have created myself as - but to actually become self directive within common sense and stop what doesn't make any sense like giving value to appearance.
I realize judging myself for this is pointless and will just cause myself to create another personality within myself, just another layer of self judgment - thus I realize I must transcend this point through walking a process of self forgiveness and corrective application as I commit myself to stop and change, without falling into self judgment - I must integrate as myself the realization that I have programed myself due to the ignorance I have been existing in, and now that the vale of ignorance is off I must take self responsibility and change myself, to never again allow myself to fall into participation within the beauty system.
Self forgiveness to come...
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Thursday, October 25, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Today I am walking the corrective statements on the self forgiveness I wrote on yesterday's blog, regarding the characters that I have been participating within and that have been the source/justification for the spiteful character
I commit myself to continue investigating/forgiving the point of spitefulness that I have allowed myself to exist as, and to through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement, walk myself into correcting, through supporting myself within/as breath as I see myself go into the character of spitefulness wither within thoughts as back chat, words or deeds, thus I commit myself, through writing and exposing to myself the dimension of spitefulness, to build up my awareness of myself as to be able to see the character of spiteful and stop it before I actually act on it, and continue investigating the point until I have walked it and have stopped myself from all/any participation within/as the character of spitefulness, as it is completely unacceptable and only designed to create conflict within and without as a way to tempt me and others to participate within/as energy which is designed to consume the physical as ourselves and to separate us from being here as the physical as life
I commit myself to investigate myself within/as competition as I realize that there is no justification for competition as it creates a world of winners and losers and thus can never be of actually of support to all as equals, thus any participation within competition is by definition destructive/abusive/evil, and thus I commit myself to stop myself through applying the desteni tools, and within that I commit myself to when seeing myself going into spitefulness within the character of competition to stop myself within/as breath as i have realized that it is a dead end in terms of nothing supportive will come out of it, it is a loop of spitefulness that ends with just more spitefulness and thus pointless and unnecessary
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into the character of arrogance, I commit myself to further investigate the character of arrogance as to be able to see it's dimensions and within seeing allowing myself to stop myself at earlier and earlier stages of my participation/creation within/as this character, within this, I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into spitefulness through the character of arrogance, as I have seen, realized and understood that it is a construct/design that I am participating within to create an energetic reaction within me and the other, thus supporting the mind as it feeds off of what is actually here as the physical, I commit myself to stop myself from participating within/as spitefulness/arrogance, because I realize I have been doing so to present/experience myself as powerful, as a cover up of the actual inner experience of inferiority/weakness that I have created myself as and have allowed myself to exist as, within this I commit myself to, any time I see myself going into/participation within arrogance/sinfulness to stop myself within breath and take a look at what am I trying to hide from myself within the actual experience of myself of inferiority/worthlessness , I commit myself to investigate why/how I have defined myself as more/better than the other through which I have allowed myself to believe myself to be more than them, because I realize that it is merely a mind construct/design created by myself through copying from those around me, within trying to present myself as more than, instead of realizing equality and living as what is bets for all within support for all as equals
I commit myself to further investigate the point of impatience within me, within the character of impatience I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and express myself as spitefulness, not realizing that the point of impatience is created by myself within/as myself and thus acting in spitefulness indicates that I am blaming the other for creating the experience of impatience within me, thus not taking self responsibility for the totality of myself within realizing that no one else can create an experience within me but me, so within this I commit myself to when/as I see myself going into impatience I stop myself within/as breath, I bring myself back here to the physical body which is the reality of myself, I allow myself to take the point back to self and look at what have I allowed to trigger within me the character of impatience and within seeing the point of trigger to forgive myself for it and let it go, to bring myself to a point of total self directive principle as not allowing any external trigger to direct me as the experience of myself, within this I commit myself to stop the link between impatience and spitefulness because I realize that through it I am creating another layer within myself as separation of/from myself, so I breathe, I stop, I investigate, until I am walking, clear, as breath, here, as life.
I commit myself to further investigate the point of jealousy, I realize that any jealousy within me is a projection of self judgment onto another within spitefulness, and this is unacceptable, I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into the back chat/thoughts of jealousy where I compare myself to another and perceive them to be/have all that I want to be/have, within this I commit myself to if/when I see myself going into jealousy, I stop and breathe, I allow myself to investigate the point of accepted self judgment within/as myself, I realize it is not about the other being, they are merely a reflection/mirror supporting me to see/face myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as, thus I commit myself to realize this point of jealousy as support, as it is what is here and thus I can work with it in seeing another layer/pattern/behavior/character of myself, and thus I am grateful for any experience of jealousy that come up and commit myself to walk through it within writing/self forgiveness/corrective statements to see what am I jealous of, what am I showing myself what have I been hiding from myself through automatically going into spitefulness and not staying with my focus on myself but diverting my focus on the other which is simply here as support as a mirror - always showing me myself, if I allow myself to open my eyes and see
I commit myself to further investigate the point/character of revenge within me, I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of revenge within thoughts/words/actions as expressed within the spiteful character, within realizing that any point of revenge is created through blame and abdication of self responsibility within allowing abuse, within this I commit myself to stopping myself within the desire to hurt another within spitefulness/abuse due to the justification that they deserve it as revenge because I believe they have done me wrong, within this I commit myself to stop myself from judging others due to realizing that my reaction towards them and allowing myself to blame them is a point of not facing myself within self honesty, within this I realize that I must focus on myself and walk my own process first, that means that each and every reaction I have towards another is an opportunity for me to come closer to myself, so to speak, and allow my to see more of me as who I have created myself as and have been hiding this creation from myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself as revenge from a starting point of realizing that I do not know/see the entirety of the other being, thus do not see the big picture of who they are, and within this through revenge spitefulness I am allowing myself to limited them into/as a one dimensional idea I have created about them and within this idea have decided upon myself to revenge their actions, instead of simply stopping, breathing, bringing myself back to myself and working out my shit before I preaching/judging others, within this I realize that only through first seeing/facing myself and recognizing the entire patterns I have created and have been participating within will I even be able to actually support another to seeing themselves through being a living example of living what is best for all, including that which I currently judge and want to revenge, only once I can live as equal to all that I perceive as evil, and thus allow myself to see the evil within me, can I support another to see the evil within themselves, I commit myself to walk my own process, until I have proven to myself self stability
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see memories of others being spiteful towards me start coming up as a self justification paving the way for the spitefulness to follow, within this I commit myself to stop the memories and not allow myself to go into them, and believe them, I have realize that the memory is tainted with the experience I allowed myself to have in that moment and within that have placed the blame on another instead of taking self responsibility in the very moment the event occurred, and thus the memory is not valid because it has been stored within a starting point of self dishonesty, thus I commit myself to stop the memory and forgive myself for holding onto it, until I am clear and am walking within/as breath and not being interrupted by memories of the past, coming to hunt me and create conflict/friction within/as myself and my relationships
I commit myself to investigate the point of limitation within allowing myself to believe that another being can limit me in any way, not realizing that any experience of limitation is self created and thus only I am responsible for it, within this I commit myself to when I see myself becoming spiteful towards another for perceiving them to be limiting me I stop myself and breath, I bring myself back here and look at reality for what it is and show myself until I actually get it and integrate it as myself that no one is actually limiting me but me, and within believing another is limiting me I am actually showing myself points/character of inferiority that I have allowed myself to exist as, and thus I commit myself to investigate the points within self honesty as only through seeing the specifics of each point will I be able to free myself from the limitations I have created myself as, as the mind, and within showing myself the self created limitation I can take direction of/as myself and stop being directed by/as the mind as limitation/inferiority
I commit myself to stopping myself as the character of blame because I realize it is a self manipulation tactic to keep me from taking self responsibility for/as myself in every moment within realizing that only I am responsible for myself, and in a grater scale responsible for everything in existence as myself, and thus I commit myself to stop blame within/as breath because as long as I blame I am not allowing myself to see the real true evil nature of myself as I turn the focus on others to carry the blame instead of looking at it practically within common sense and seeing what is my responsibility of/in regards to the situation
I commit myself to walk the point of spitefulness until I am clear and do not participate within it any more, I realize this will take time, as it took many years for me to design myself as the character and thus I realize the many layers/dimensions this character holds within/as it, within/as myself, and thus I commit myself to walk humbly, patiently, slowly, forgiving myself for point by point by point, while allowing myself to go into all the layers/characters/acceptances of weakness/inferiority/worthlessness/fear that I have allowed myself to exist as and thus to direct me - no more, I commit myself to through walking this process within utilizing the tools provided of writing, self forgiveness and commitment statements, to walk myself free of the limitations/beliefs I have created as myself, to stop myself as the religion of self I have allowed myself to exist as, to stand up as life, to breathe, to acknowledge my physical body and existence as a whole, and to walk until it is done, until I am no more reacting from an automated response program, until I am no longer participating in anything that is not supporting all as life as equals, until I am here in every breath, within self trust, walking what is best for all and living as a living example of life
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Wednesday, October 24, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
The point of spitefulness opened up through writing about friendships, as I have exposed to myself the point of spitefulness within friendships. While writing I found myself going into resistance towards opening up the point, I wrote and deleted and wrote and deleted, thus i saw that this point needs direct attention and deeper investigation.
I realize this resistance is here to "protect" myself from the perspective of protecting the who I am as the characters of the mind, as the personalities I have created myself as, protecting myself form not admitting myself as spiteful and thus not having to change - this resistance is the mind's attempt to sabotage my self realization. Within realizing this, I know I must push through this point, I must face myself, I must let go the judgment/shame that I have manipulated myself into using as a shield protecting me from myself, and allow myself to humbly see me as who I have accepted myself to become within participating with and creating nastiness/spitefulness/evil, so that through seeing, allowing myself to forgive myself and correct myself within the principle of that which is best for all - which is defiantly NOT spitefulness.
I took a look at all my relationships to see where and why I have allowed myself to go into and participate with spitefulness . The reasons/justifications for spitefulness are many, each one of them is a character in itself, but here I will just address them in respect to spitefulness, and make note to myself to go into them further in blogs to come, so here goes:
Competition
Arrogance
Impatience
Jealousy
Revenge
Limitation
Blame
Annoyance
Superiority
Inferiority
Worthlessness
Judgment
Being corrected
Not trusting
Fare game
Being miss treated
Desire approval
Abuse for sense of power
Passing on the energy of inferiority/anger
Expectation
Disappointment
Believing I am not loved
Manipulation
Control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness as a deliberate action/thought intended to hurt/harm/abuse another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness/nastiness towards people I have created a competition towards, and within the competition I see myself as the loser and thus spite them as a form of regaining my power back through thinking nasty thoughts in my hidden mind, or actually speaking the words or acting out on the spitefulness, as a way to weaken the other in my mind or actually through their reaction to my words/deeds, and thus I use spitefulness to weaken/harm/abuse the other, to place myself in a better position within the mind created competition
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness from a starting point of arrogance, as I see myself as more than the other as I have defined them as stupid/slow, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a multi dimensional being in a one dimension definition within a deliberate act of spitefulness to limit them in my mind and to be able to place them in a box as to get rid of the complexity of the multi-dimetionality and to justify myself within the belief that they are in fact that which I defined them as, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others in such ways that I will feel empowered/stronger, and thus to live out this desire of power I think/speak/act within spitefulness towards them, as to prove to myself the position of power that I so very much desire, at the expense of them and in complete disregard of them as multi-dimetional and equal beings, not considering them at all and the abuse/harm I am causing in their lives and within their process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as spitefulness within a starting point of impatience as I believe myself to be more than the other and thus within disregarding them as equal beings as life, and thus I allow myself to participate within impatience and express it through thoughts/words/deeds within spitefulness, to make sure the other being is aware of my experience of impatience as a way to make them feel small/valueless/worthless and thus on the other side I can feel strong/valuable/worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of jealousy, as I find myself jealous of another being and experience myself as less than them, thus I turn to spitefulness as a way to hurt them as I hold them responsible and blame them for my experience of jealousy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the experience of jealousy is self created and not done to me by anyone but myself, and thus participating in spitefulness towards another is a form of abdicating self responsibility as I have not taken responsibility for the construct of jealousy that I have been participating with, but instead take it out on them within spitefulness, not realizing that it is I who have defined myself as less than them, while using them as an object to project my self abuse as my experience of inferiority/worthlessness, thus using them as a tool in my life to abuse them in order to experience momentarily the power that I have denied from myself through self diminishment and self judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of revenge, where I experience another being spiteful towards me, and I resent them for that, as I have reacted and have taken their spitefulness personally instead of allowing myself to see the construct they are participating within and stop myself from reacting through realizing that it isn't in fact personal but just a mind game within the intention to get me to react, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to spitefulness out of deliberate ignorance as to why the other is being spiteful, and within accepted ignorance I have allowed myself to spite them back and thus participate in spitefulness myself even though I have experienced it's harmful/abusive nature, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the "cry for help" within another's spitefulness as I now realize that any spitefulness is an expression of self worthlessness/inferiority/judgment, and thus any being that is spiteful is in fact not allowing themselves to express/face themselves in a supportive way, thus instead of supporting them as myself to see themselves to realize themselves as equals as life, I use it against them because I as well have not yet realized myself as life, and I spite them back as revenge to feel an experience of power/control, to cover up my own self diminishment/inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of experiencing others being spiteful towards me and to bring up these memories within myself and use them as leverage for revenge, justifying to myself that it's ok for me to be spiteful because they were spiteful in the past so I get to do it too, creating within this a value system of revenge, as if someone had done me wrong I can do it as well, instead of seeing the harm/abuse of spitefulness as I have experienced it for myself and allowing myself to be the one to stop the "back and forth" game of spitefulness, a game where we all are losers, as we are all diminishing ourselves and each other in order to play, thus not allowing ourselves to see ourselves as equal and to thus support ourselves as life, but instead to abuse/harm within spitefulness/nastiness based on a value system that approves and validates revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of limitation, where I have perceive myself to being limited by another, while not allowing myself to see that the experience of limitation is self inflicted, and thus I blame the other for creating the experience of limitation within myself, and allow myself to go into the character of self victimization, instead of standing up within/as myself and stopping the experience of limitation, within seeing reality for what it is within/as the physical, and taking into consideration only physical limitation as reality, while realizing that any experience of limitation is just that, an experience, thus created within/as the mind and is not tangible as the physical, thus not real as the physical, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the experience of limitation to be real, and thus to blame others for creating this experience within myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in spitefulness towards these beings while using blame as justification as to why I am allowed to spite them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am in fact only spiting myself for not allowing myself to see that I am the one creating the experience of limitation within/as myself, and thus through allowing myself to participate in blame and spitefulness I distract myself from seeing that I am in fact the source for my experience and thus have the power to stop myself within and as breath, as a self directive decision, instead of continuing the cycle of self abuse as I allow myself to abuse others on the way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/speak/act within spitefulness within the starting point of blame, where I blame another for doing something wrong, I judge them for what they have done, I blame them for being the cause of my experiencing
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that all spitefulness is sourced within fear/inferiority/worthlessness that I have accepted as myself and is designed to create the polarity of these inner experiences as I create them in other beings, and thus participate/create/enhance the cycle of evil through passing on the torch of fear/inferiority/worthlessness while not actually letting go of it, but only duplicating it in lives of others while still holding on to my own, because I haven't in fact dealt with the point of fear/inferiority/worthlessness, thus I am still limited/directed by it, and so within spitefulness I duplicate the negative energy within myself and within others, instead of standing up for life and stopping the cycle of abuse, not allowing myself to see, realize and understand the vast consequences of participation with energy, as I allow it to consume myself as the physical, as it consumes myself in every moment within preoccupying myself through spiteful thoughts and fear of spitefulness, and thus not allows me to be here as breath, living a life that is worth living within/as the physical body, as the reality of me
corrective statements in the following blog, and then the next bunch of characters that the spiteful character latches onto.
stay tuned
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