Showing posts with label writing myself to freedom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing myself to freedom. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
Day 196 -21 days of self dedication – part 6 - experience of isolation
Now, this point of self value, or shall I say, lack of it, has been in the background of my process for quite some time, t is a prominent point that leaves a mark in everything I participate in, it's like an additional flavor to everything I do in life - so, why do I not value myself?
Obviously this is a very compacted point and relates and connects to many other points - which brings up this experience of overwhelmingness as "how the hell am I going to tackle this point?" but I have recently realized once again, that this is a process, and a long one as well, and no, any point I face, I cannot now what I will find within the investigation, otherwise I would not need to investigate, and I do not yet know where it will lead me to - and thus, the only thing to do, is grab one end of a string and start following the information that opens up - and I'll see where I take myself and what I
find.
So here goes.
I'm trying to look back and I ask myself when did I first experience myself as not worthy / not good enough / not valuable - a few family memories come to mind.
The first is that that I constantly compared myself to my sister, I always saw her as perfect, beautiful, smart, good dancer, fun, easy going, friendly and caring - everything that I didn't see myself as, and even when I did see it as myself I would compare, and in comparison to her I would always loose. But why did I compare? What compelled me to evaluate myself according and in relation to her?
Also, I remember that there was a time where I was thinner than her (weight was always an issue in my home as I grew up), and maybe I had a boyfriend at that time - I considered myself to be in a "better place" than her for a while, and I remember how uncomfortable that was for me, like I was out of place to be in a better position than her, it didn't fit with my world view, as within my comparison to her, I was always the inferior / less than, and not being in that position was awkward for me, I even felt guilty, thinking that I can handle being inferior, as I have been so all my life, but for her it's a first, and she must be taking it hard, and it's all my fault, then I would diminish myself within the intention of not rubbing it in, but looking at it now, I guess I did it for my own comfortability rather than actually for her.
Another point / memory, is that my dad would tell me before exams that I don't have to get good grades, I only have to do good enough to pass, and again, my sister was a very good student, and so, when my dad told me I don't have to do so well I knew he was saying that so I don't stress myself over it as she has, but I added onto that my interpretation of him not believing in me - it was actually an interesting dynamic with him, before exams he would tell me that I don't have to do very well, and then when I would get ok grades he would ask why I didn't do any better - both remarks I had taken in and recorded them as indicating that I am not smart / good enough, inadequate, and a disappointment to my dad - when I signed up for my physics degree I was so unsure of myself, I went in with a great possibility of failing, and I remember telling myself, just as my dad told me, that all I need to do is not fail, I don't have to be the best - and in fact through out my degree, I never put in my best, I always was content with being mediocre, and I don't mean that my grades were not good enough, I mean that in relation to myself, I know within myself that I didn't actually invest myself into it, I deliberately didn't do my best, and for the first year I was sure I will fail any moment, I was so unsure of myself
So far what I se is comparison to my sister, and later on in life to other girlfriends that I have placed in my sister's shoes and defined myself as less than them, these friends had power in my eyes, they seemed confidant, or were beautiful or smart, or likable, or friendly - always seeing myself as less valuable, second best, unworthy - experiencing myself as pathetic in relation to them, like "what's the point of even trying to compare myself to them, who am I fooling" - in many cases I would see this come up in relation to guys, where they would always prefer my friends over me, and so I felt like I was in competition with them, like I must win the guy to prove to myself I am worthy - and actually in many cases I "stole" the guy my girlfriend liked, I would never back off, I had to have them, that was like a form of proof that I have some value, "they want me over you", of course, this is a big point within itself, as I see there are many more layers as to why did I go after the boys my friends liked, but here is one dimension of it as to prove to myself that I am better than them in winning this competition I had created.
Once again, it's so clear to see how the mind is dangerous, from the perspective of when I allow myself to be directed by the mind, not taking responsibility of my own life, but following blindly the suggestions and interpretations and self beliefs created by the mind and accepted by self - I end up harming people, creating unnecessary conflict, disregarding others in my life and doing only that which serves my own interest regardless of who stands in my way and who I have to step on to get there, while justifying to myself that I am not a bad person, when in fact I am the pure manifestation of evil, as I did so in complete disregard of the others, I really couldn't care less - actually, that's not entirely true, because it's not that I didn't care, because I actually did so in spitefulness, I wanted to win to prove to myself through this victory that I am worthy and valuable, as if we were in an actual competition, competing against each other, and, for me to win and experience the victory I wanted them to painfully lose, they had to know / see that they have lost, they had to feel it, as I have felt it many times……. Lol, but because I justified myself believing I was innocent, I also wanted / expected them to approve and "give me their blessings" - I was completely blind to what I was participating with. But, the bottom line is that I went after those guys to fulfill that part of me that feels unworthy and not valuable, and to repair this unpleasant emotion I would do anything, and justify myself as I do so.
Tomorrow self forgiveness on the points that came up here in regards to self value / worth
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Saturday, February 16, 2013
The point of inadequacy came up again. you are welcome to read my previous blogs on inadequacy:
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Day 152 - Inadequacy – Preparing Food – Part 3 – Farm Chicken
Day 153 - Inadequacy – Creativity – Part 1
Day 154 - Inadequacy - Creativity - Self forgiveness
Even by defining one rout the easy one and the other a risk I can already see that I am altering my perspective, not allowing myself to see clearly the two option, and already infecting my decision with fear. I was never much of a risk taker, always preferred to play it safe.
What do I fear? Well, I've never been independent before, especially financially independent, I never had to provide for myself, I always had a safety net to fall back on, and because I was so used to my safety net, I never used it as a safety net, but more like a flexible floor, I never struggled for money, I always had jobs that didn't completely sustain me, because I could afford it due to my safety net.
Having money to fall back on was both a blessing and a curse, though now, looking at the consequences as the inadequacy I have created as myself as a result, it maybe more of a curse than a blessing - thanks to the money I had, I lived the life I believe everyone should live, everyone should have the sense of security, knowing that whatever comes up they will have the ability to take care of it, which in our world, in the current system, it means having the finance to take care of anything that comes up. Everyone would be better off living a life where they are not enslaved to a job they don't want to do, just to earn their living - even those words are insane, as in the current system we have to earn our living, we are not granted the right for life just for being alive - we must earn it.
So why do I say it is a curse? Well, in our current system as it is, if one cannot provide for oneself, they are basically screwed, money equals life, money is security, money is food / health / education / cloths / transportation, in the current money system one must have money or the ability to make money in order to survive and feel secure. For me, because I had enough to get by and then some, I never had to push myself to work for a living, I had it easy, I could work but didn't have to, so I did work, but because I didn't have to provide for myself I worked at low paying jobs, and it was never within the experience of survival. The problem was that "having it easy" can be a curse, a curse because I used it as an excuse to not live out my highest potential - what I mean is, because I didn't struggle for money, when I would meet an obstacle I didn't have to push through it, and so I didn't, I gave up, and that had become my pattern, and throughout time it had developed to a self belief that I am incapable of providing for myself, simply because I never had to do it, and thus, I never did.
So, anyway, now I'm faced with making this decision, and by taking the "risky" choice I will be forced to face myself big time - I will not have my safety net anymore, I will actually have to make it in the system in order to survive, I will have to push myself and not give up, because now, giving up would have severe consequences - as I'm writing this out, I experience shame, shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having that financial safety net - I enslaved myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself. I experience shame because instead of using the money in a productive way, I have used it as a crutch - I was leaning on a crutch even though I could actually walk on both my legs, and just like the physical body, when you use a crutch when it's unnecessary you will create consequences, as your legs will become weak and dependent, when you actually had the power to walk all along, but gave your power away to the crutch. I'm ashamed because, I had it all, unlike people that are born into poverty or any type of struggle, I had the opportunity to create myself as what ever I wanted, but I didn't, I didn't take the opportunity that was given to me, instead I had made it into a "golden cage", trapping myself in it, braking off my wings piece by piece, until reaching a point that I truly believe I cannot fly.
So, this is my curse that I inflicted upon myself, using a crutch when I could walk, and now, I don't believe in myself, I don't have the confidence that walking is possible, walking became a point of intimidation me, as I see all my friends walking and running, and I will just have to start over the whole process, starting with crawling, making the mistakes of the beginner and pushing myself to breathe through it to allow myself to learn to walk, realizing that I must do it, I must walk this process or I will never brake this self sabotaging self belief of inadequacy - it's a point of establishing self trust - yes, it would have been cool if I had done this years ago, using my safety net a support system instead of a limiting crutch, but I didn't, and now, the choice I am facing is to do it without a safety net, or not do it at all.
Not doing it would mean giving in to my fear, giving in to my experience of inadequacy, and once again not giving myself the opportunity to brake through this pattern, just as I haven't allowed myself to brake through in the past, by limiting myself and tying myself down by my safety net and fears. Doing it would mean that I will really have to do it, it won't be a game anymore, I will have to actually work hard, put in the effort, the time, the dedication, make mistakes and correct the while still standing and pushing through, in order to allow myself to expand, allow myself to live out my highest potential, allow myself to free myself from the chains I had tied myself down with.
As I'm writing this out I realize I have made my decision, there is still that voice in my head shouting out "Wait, don't do it!! What if you fall? What if you lose everything? How will you ever pick yourself up?" but I realize this is the voice of my mind, arguing for my own limitation, and I am grateful for this voice, as it is showing me exactly who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, as I have allowed myself to follow this voice of fear, as I have allowed myself to exist in fear, be directed by fear, and never actually do anything, express myself, take risks, because of the fear, coming up as future projections of all that can go wrong - but, is this who I want to be for the rest of my life? The answer is clear.
I realize this road might be bumpy, but in order to free myself I must allow myself to lose everything that has been holding me back from being myself as self expression, at this point I see it's my safety net that I have allowed myself to be restricted by, and as long as I hold onto it, and allow myself to make decisions based on the fear of losing it, I will have never lived, I will always remain but a portion of who I really am as life, as expression, as expansion.
Now that the decision is made, the journey is only starting, in my next blogs I will write out self forgiveness and corrective statement in order to prepare the way before me, to let go the points that have been holding me back and find within me the correction, so when I walk this path I am prepared.
At the moment I am experiencing a combination of excitement, anxiety and a stability - this is a weird mixture of experiences, as they seem to all contradict each other yet somehow they are all here. I'll investigate them as well in my next blogs to come.
thanks
for specific support in regards to making decision, consider investing in yourself the following EQAFE interview
REPTELIANS – Decision Making, Part 1, Part 2
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
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