Showing posts with label self belief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self belief. Show all posts
Monday, July 1, 2013
Today I went to the back and left feeling like I was run over by a truck and then a train…
I had to open an account and enquire about building credit - the bankers spoke to me and I had to have them repeat everything over and over because I wasn't familiar with the vocabulary, and so I had to understand these things for the first time on all levels of understanding - what does that word mean, how do I connect the meaning of the words to what they said earlier, how does all that new information and new concepts connect with the entire picture of what I need to be done.
I was there for about two hours, when, at a certain point, I just had to leave because I couldn't hear any more, I couldn't absorb anymore, I was blocked - they spoke and spoke and then asked if it made sense, and the only reply I had was "I don't know what you are talking about" I was completely out of it.
So, I see here two points - the first is, since I've become more aware of the importance of vocabulary - this scenario is what children experience at school, where they are bombarded with new information and terminology and vocabulary, that no body really takes the time to make sure that it is completely and entirely understood and integrated, and then they are bombarded with the relationships of this new information, while, if the base foundation, as the vocabulary is not in place then the next step seems impossible to grasp, and reflecting from my experience today, children must go into so many reactions such as feeling stupid, ashamed, confused, misunderstood, some might joke around to relieve the stress and tension as a coping mechanism, others might become angry / mad and get into trouble, and all this is based on simply not having an effective educational structure, nor effective communication, nor effective assessments of where a child is actually at - it would be cool if teachers knew how to communicate with children in consideration to where they are at, at the moment, because if we overload them with information that they can't take in - are we actually supporting them?
This leads to the second point of my reacting towards being in such a situation of not knowing the information, and having to learn it for the first time, being at the stage of concrete learning, where it is an actual effort to understand because the terms and relationships are not clear - I experienced shame, because I judged myself for not knowing these things "I should know this by now", I see now that being 33 and having no banking knowledge whatsoever is a consequence of not taking self responsibility and living in some form of dream land where things just happen and work out without me having to put in any effort in making things happen… I have taken money for granted all my life, and within that I allowed myself to create a resistance towards going to the bank, a resistance I "inherited" directly from my mother - now I'm at a point where I have moved to another country and I can't ask my dad to go to the bank for me, and I must start understanding all the details of my account and make informed decisions, I am now eating the fruits of my upbringing as my parents did everything to protect me from the outside world and unintentionally have help me become a weak and independent person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react at the bank within an experience of information overload
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the experience of shame when I saw how little I know within the vocabulary and construct of the banking system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience overwhelmingness at the bank and thus to shut myself off and not be able to hear anything, instead of remaining here in breath and continue listening and taking notes without allowing myself to go into a mind shut down
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that this vocabulary and information is new to me and thus will take some effort to understand fully, and instead I went into self judgment within an idea that I should have already known these things by now
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that allowing myself to become overwhelmed is now blocking me from hearing the new information that I am judging myself for not knowing, and thus, not supporting myself to improve the situation but instead maintaining the problem - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind as I go into overwhelmingness and thus am not able to be here and walk the practical physical steps of learning the new points / vocabulary of banking
I realize that when learning something new takes time and effort, and thus, when and as I am learning / faced with something new and see myself go into overwhelmingness I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, and that everything learnt is learnt one step at a time, I realize that only by pushing through the reaction of overwhelmingness will I emerge from the other side of the learning scale with a new understanding and vocabulary
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the self belief that I don't understand banking, and thus to expect from myself to become overwhelmed and so I prepare myself to not understand by accepting myself as the self belief as someone that doesn't understand banks, instead of letting go this idea of myself and allowing myself to approach it in a way that would best serve me and my understanding of the point
I realize that believing about myself that "I am not good with banks" is not supporting myself because it actually creates he problem as accepted limitation that I then live out, and so, when and as I see myself participating in the back chat of "I am not good with banks / these things" I stop myself and breathe, I realize that I have a choice whether to continue justifying my ignorance and maintaining it, or I can stop it and make a decision to learn and become aware and expand within this point that I have felt inadequate with, and to prove myself wrong, instead of always sabotaging myself to prove me as the mind, right.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
There are little things that I need to get done, and the smaller and insignificant they are the bigger and intimidating the seem - so I need to remind myself to focus on breath and walk through the points one breath at a time, one point at a time - these are physical points and I have a tendency to place them in my mind and work at them in my mind, and become anxious and exhausted by working with them so much, when in fact I haven't yet done a thing in the physical reality - I have only spent time in my mind in thought and future projection.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind as thoughts and future projections in regards to "the little things" that need to be done, instead of practically doing what needs to be done in the physical reality, one step at a time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind in planning out how and what I will do and create scenarios of what will happen when doing the tasks that I need to do, and thus experience myself as if I have done so much until I reach a point of feeling exhausted even though I have not done anything really yet
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the experience of being exhausted by all the mind activity I have been participating with, instead of realizing that what I have done in my mind is not an actual physical doing and that in order to get things done I actually have to step out of my mind, stop my participation with it, and physically do what needs to be done in real space / time reality
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that by participating within my mind as going on and on about the things that need to be done instead of actually physically doing them, I am separating myself from these activities and thus, creating an idea within myself that these activities are separate than me and thus will be hard / difficult to achieve, not realizing that by separating myself from thee activities, through thinking about them instead of doing them, I am creating an un-necessary barrier between me and them, and making it harder for myself - while all along, if I were to simply do what needs to be done, and walk the physical time line in breath, I would just have to practically deal with anything that physically comes along and find the practical solutions
I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that going to my mind and planning in my mind instead of writing the points down and actually acting on them in the physical, I am sabotaging myself as a point of self spite, as I am deliberately creating for myself a barrier and more difficulty instead of doing what is practical and supportive for me to do
I forgive myself for not see, realizing and understanding that by sabotaging myself through existing in my mind in planning and future projections, I am making sure that I fail, as to prove to myself that my self belief of inadequacy is accurate and justified - thus in fact by participating with my mind I am deliberately paving my way to certain failure, as to not let go of the self definition, self belief, religion of self as a loser / failure / inadequate - thus, within paving my own road towards failure I am making myself right and thus by sabotaging myself and failing myself I am giving myself the satisfaction of being right about who I am, as if proving to myself that my self belief it a fact, while it is in fact only self limiting and denying self of the opportunity of change and growth
When and as I see myself going into my mind in planning ahead my steps, I stop and breath, I realize that all these planning only accumulate to anxiety and exhaustion, if not being applied practically in the physical, and thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into my mind in planning, to stop and breathe, to take a pen and paper and write the points down and priorities them and within this, I commit myself to practically move through the points in the physical reality, one breath at a time
When and as i see myself going into my mind in planning and becoming overwhelmed by all the "little things" that need to be done, I stop and breathe, I realize that going down this path is not productive and is in fact distractive and will create consequences as the points seem to grow bigger and bigger, and so, I state to myself who I am, I am here, I am walking these points in the physical reality, and I am facing any point that opens up in the physical, I take responsibility for my actions in the physical and I make sure that I research the points of application and do what is best in every situation - in this I commit myself to walk the points one by one, and ensure that I stand by each point in simply knowing what and why I am doing, and thus, I commit myself to making clear decisions within my movement in the physical, so that I am accountable and liable for all that I do in the physical. religion
Thursday, April 25, 2013
This is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
And specifically a direct follow up to my previous blog Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”, if you haven’t already, please read it for further context.
By making the statement “I am not a hard worker” there are a few dimensions / layers that I am referring to in relation to the definition I have given “hard worker”.
By stating to myself that I am not a hard worker, I am saying that I don’t have the skill set of being a hard worker, as i don’t have the valuable list of characters I relate to being a hard worker, characters of integrity, taking responsibility, following through, completing a task, being humble.
But, at the same time I am not only saying I am incapable, I am actually saying I don’t want to, as I have defined the work that hard workers do, to be beneath me, I am a snob to such tasks, and when I find myself facing these jobs, I have to push through a lot of resistance, jobs like this that I have faced lately were cleaning the toilet, raking, doing physical labor, it is “not for me”, I’d rather have someone else do it – maybe this explains why I am proud of “them” for being hard workers, where I realize these tasks have to be done, because they are practical physical tasks and are necessary for the maintenance and up keeping of the physical environment we live in, and so I am happy that some people can do these tasks and not be bothered by it – obviously I never considered asking them if they really enjoy it, because I prefer not knowing and believing that they are cool as they seem, so long as I don’t have to get my hands dirty. Not wanting to get my hands dirty but wanting the job to be done – spoken like a true elitist.
And so, I have separated myself from this concept, as I do not see myself as all the positive aspects I have attached to the term “hard worker” as I’ve mentioned in my previous blog: “respecting “hard workers” for doing the actual valuable physical jobs, actually getting things done in the physical, they can be left on an island and they will survive because they are physical, they do what needs to be done, they don’t complain, they don’t manipulate, they don’t try to get out of it, they have integrity, respect for the work they do, and they can do any work with pride.”
And at the same time I am saying that I am “too good” for this type of job, I should have a white collar / high class job – someone else should be a hard worker, not me, judging the work as inferior, and those who do the work as inferior, and thus, I do not want to be defined / judged as inferior so I separate myself from such jobs.
So, it seems as I’ve created an interesting polarity here – where I see hard worker as both positive and negative, superior and inferior, and I have separated myself from both aspects. What I see here is that I am the one judging these tasks - yes, it is based on a social accepted judgment, but I am accepting and participating with this judgment towards particular jobs / tasks as being inferior, so first thing’s first – I realize I must remove the judgment.
Then, once I remove the judgment towards specific jobs I can redefine what it really means to be a “hard worker”, within exploring how I can actually live the definition as myself as a living expression of myself, rather than separating myself from it as I have done thus far, within limiting myself and trapping myself in the self belief of not being a hard worker.
Self forgiveness and redefining “hard worker” in my next blogs to come.
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Monday, April 8, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
Not believing I am nor capable of being a hard worker is but another limiting self belief I have found I participate with, here I will open up my relationship to the concept of being a hard worker, through looking at judgments, positive and negative, I hold towards how I have defined and have lived the concept of being a hard worker.
The term “hard worker” brings up an image of a person wearing work cloths and doing physical work – a hard worker is related to “blue collar” types of jobs, physical / factory / farming types of jobs, I consider my dad a hard worker, my cousins are hard workers, my brother can be a hard worker, I see my ex-boyfriend as a hard worker, so there are a few people that when I think of them as I how I see them, I see them as being hard workers. This is a quality / character that I consider as positive, and so I look up to people that I see this quality in them, and in comparison to them, I see myself as lacking this quality.
In my definition of the concept of being a hard worker, there is something grounded, earthy and physical.
Whereas, someone that works in an office, or as a doctor for instance, I will not necessarily define as a hard worker, I would say they are dedicated to their job, or I will call them workaholics, but the term hard worker will not so much apply according to my initial association to the word.
It’s interesting because I respect “hard workers” as they are the ones doing the actual valuable physical jobs, actually getting things done in the physical, in my imagination I see them as if they could be left on an isolated island and they will survive because they are physical, they do what needs to be done, they don’t complain, they don’t manipulate, they don’t try to get out of it, they have integrity, respect for the physical and to the work they do, and they can do any work with pride, within the simple understanding that it needs to be done.
On the other hand, as I investigate this point which initially seems like I have placed it as an all positive concept – I realize that I judge these types of jobs, and when I find myself facing them I resist and, manipulate and try to get out of it, or at the very least, while participating in such “blue collar” tasks, I would constantly back chat about how I shouldn’t be doing such a type of jobs, as I experience it as beneath me, demeaning, not worthy – which is fascinating because I am proud of others for doing such, though, even this last statement, now that I look at it closer, is not actually true, because I remember that throughout growing up I was embarrassed as a child that my dad was a plumber and all the other dads were lawyers and engineers. So I wasn’t in fact proud that he had a “blue collar” job, and I didn’t even see all the positive things that I wrote above, all I could see / experience is the embarrassment / shame for my dad not being a “white collar” dad, like my friend’s dads.
So, why was I embarrassed? What do I judge? Why do I see it seen by me as a lesser job?
I dated a guy once, and his dad was also a “blue collar” worker, and as he picked me up in his dad’s car he apologized for the smell, but I enjoyed the smell cause it was familiar and reminded me of my dad – So, in a way, it actually made me feel comfortable, but I know why he apologized, another girl might have seen it as a disadvantage and would have taken it as a bad first impression, and in such case the apology is like a point of expressing to the other “yes, I know it sucks, I wish it were different, you don’t have to secretly judge me, we can both openly judge me together…. But why is there this accepted point of judgment? And why when it’s his dad I’m cool with it, and don’t see it as anything to be ashamed of, but when it’s my dad there is shame / hiding/ embarrassment?
So, what are the reasons to grade one job as better than another? And why if one is associated with the inferior job they would be embarrassed? I can clearly see two reasons, one is salary, where the higher the pay the more you would respect / desire that job and would like to be associated with it, and the second reason is social constructs and acceptances – where I come from, it seems like people are defined by their work, and different jobs are placed on a social value scale, usually according to the income, and the level of training required, and a general prestige that a job may get through exposure through the media, almost like PR. “blue collar” types of jobs pay les, have less training and are less prestigious and are consider in general inferior, where only the bad students are deemed to go to a “professional school” to acquire a “blue collar” type of job, while anyone that is on their path to success will almost never consider a “blue collar” job as their dream job , they will most likely go to university, and get their higher education certifications, so they can maybe manage a group of “blue dollar” workers, but not in order to be one.
Much more to come, in relation to the self definition “I am not a hard worker”
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
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Monday, April 1, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
“I commit myself to ask myself direct questions when and as I see myself not standing as my decision, as not acting in alignment with my directive decision, and so, when and as I see myself contradicting myself, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself why am I sabotaging myself, and I don’t move / participate with anything until I give myself a clear answer in self honesty, and so, I commit myself to push myself to not let myself off the hook, so to speak, and to actually investigate / interrogate myself within the self honest intention of understanding why, at this very moment, I am prepared to sabotage myself through acting in contradiction to my directive decision. And within this, I commit myself to walk myself hand in hand, back here, into alignment with my directive decision, aligned with common sense, aligned with self support, I commit myself to be gentle with myself yet firm and directive, I commit myself to parent myself into self alignment, and treat myself as an innocent child with compassion and care, yet to be strict with myself and push for self discipline.”
I realize that when asking myself in self honesty why am I not acting in alignment to my directive decision – there is most likely not going to be a valid answer, as all answers will probably be excuses and justifications based on self beliefs, ideas and fears, or based on desires and self interest – either way, any excuse for why am I not standing equal to the directive decision I had made, will be based in energy, and thus, as I ask myself I will be faced with a choice – will I follow the path of energy, or will I stand up for myself as life as the physical?
Taking this moment to stop and breath, and ask myself in self honesty why am I acting in contradiction to myself, is the opportunity I give myself to change the course of my action and make a decision in that moment to support myself - and so, stopping and asking myself, is actually opening a window of self awareness, which once is open I am fully responsible for my decision and action from the point on, as I have opened my own eyes in asking myself the question, I woke myself up so to speak, and now I must direct myself to stop the self sabotage patterns within having realized how destructive they are, and to stand up within myself, to allow myself to empower myself within standing as and acting in alignment to my directive decision.
I realize that part of my process is to start becoming aware of what I am doing, as I’ve noticed that so many moments throughout the day go by and I wasn’t here, moments where I am awake but am sleeping, sleep walking my life away, it’s like there is a moment where I make the decision to allow myself to lose myself in my mind, and from that moment I lose myself as I become a zombie, until something happens, and a spark of awareness comes in through the mist, and then I am faced with the next moment of decision – what now? More mind illusions or standing up?
I find that in many cases, when this moment comes and I have the opportunity to “snap out of it” I make an aware decision to stay in the mind’s illusion, i experience like there is a pull, a magnetic force, pulling me back into the mind’s illusion, drawing me into the application of abdicating my responsibility, of procrastinating what needs to be done, of sabotaging myself as the directive decision I am intending to walk, and so basically standing in contradiction to my directive decision, and as such, in contradiction to myself – it seems like the more I spend time away from myself, and in the mind in separation of myself, as the what is here as the physical, the weaker I get, and the stronger the magnetic pull is, and so the next moment when I “wake up” and am faced with the choice I am more likely to fall back into the mind – this is the moment of transformation, of self change, where I must find it within myself to stand up against the pull and resist it, as to not allow myself to be pulled back in to the self destructive and self sabotaging patterns and behaviors but instead to stand as self support / care / honor / respect – this is where asking myself why am I doing this can be supportive – because the longer I stand “outside” of the mind while asking myself a self directive question, here in awareness, here as myself as the physical, the weaker the pull of the mind is and the more chance I have to act I alignment with myself as my directive decision and not be directed by the mind’s pull so easily and automatically.
a must hear:
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, March 28, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
“This point has been a major issue for me, I always lived within a self definition that I lack the ability / intelligence / skill to build the bridge that will bring me from the idea to the manifestation of it. And now I see that this construct that I have accepted as myself even though it has brought me much suffering and frustration, I do not want to let go of - who will I be if I am capable of building this bridge? Why am I terrified of the idea of not existing in these limitations, why do I feel like these limitations protect me in any way - like there is something scary of being a success, being capable - it's like there is an inner knowing that if I let this down I will have no excuse and will be able to do anything - and this thought freaks me out.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a self belief that I lack the skill to "build the bridge" from idea to manifestation as physical reality, and within this belief I allow myself to experience myself as stuck when facing the steps that are required to be taken in order to complete the task, and thus, within believing and living out the self belief I create myself as it, thus, when and as I see myself experience myself as not knowing how to proceed within a belief that I am incapable because I lack the skill of "building the bridge" I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here as the physical, I allow myself to gather information within realizing that any journey / process is walked one step at a time, and all I must know / do is walk one step in front of the other, and so, I commit myself to stopping myself from participating in the back chat as not know how to build a bridge within realizing that I don't have to build a full bridge, all I must do is walk the first step, within self trust, and as I walk the first step the next step will open up, and step by step, I will walk, until the task is done - I realize that I cannot know now how I will do something that is in the future, I have never lived this life before, this is not a rehearsal for a scripted play, and thus, it makes no sense to expect of myself to know the future as to know that which I haven't walked yet, and the only thing that makes sense is to allow myself to walk one step at a time, breath by breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I haven't got the skills required to manifest my ideas into physical reality, and within this self belief I have gone through out my life coming up with ideas and letting them go without ever actually trying to take the steps to bring them to life in the physical, within believing that I am inadequate to do so, and so, allowing myself to be directed by the belief of inadequacy only to manifest myself as inadequate and so exist in an endless loop of believing myself as incapable and within this living as the expression of incapability to then prove my belief to be right and thus continue living / existing by it.
When and as I see myself going into the mind as back chat as self belief as telling myself that I lack the skill to manifest my ideas into reality, I stop myself and breathe, I recognize the character of "I don't know" and within recognizing the character I realize this is not me, as who I am, as I am not self directive as I participate and identify myself as a character of the mind - I thus realize this character is a form of self sabotage, it is not supporting not protecting me but rather limiting and sabotaging myself from fully expressing myself and walking as self empowerment as life. And so, I commit myself, when this character comes up within me, to stop myself in breath immediately and not allow myself to entertain such thoughts at all, and within removing the character I commit myself to investigate / find out what I must do / learn in order to know that which I had initially wanted to believe that I don't know, and thus walk myself through a process of learning, in order to be able to apply myself effectively
I realize that within participating in the belief that I am incapable of applying myself in order to bring to life any idea / decision I have, I am actually creating myself as the belief, where without my participation and acceptance of the belief I am limitless to do / learn / expand / experiment, and only within participating / accepting this belief do I end up proving it right through my deliberate application of not "stepping out" of the limitation defined within the belief - in other words, I realize that if I were not to participate, accept or entertain the belief that I am incapable, I would go ahead and do what eve it takes because it is only the belief that creates the doubt in my mind, the doubt which then is justified by the first failure, not actually giving the opportunity and space for trial and error as the natural way of learning and creating something new.
When and as I see myself going into the character as self belief of "I am incapable of manifesting this" or "I just don't know how to do this, I just lack the skill of manifesting an idea into reality" I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to entertain such thoughts / self beliefs within realizing that I will create myself as the thoughts I participate in, and so, it isn't the thoughts that define me, but rather my participation and acceptance of the though - and so, as this thought is not self supportive but rather is limiting and self diminishing, there is no point in accepting it and creating myself as one and equal to/as it, and so, when and as I see tis line of thoughts coming up, I stop myself and within breath I look at the idea, I see if it is a common sense practical idea to pursue, if it stands in alignment with what is best for all, and if I find that it does, then I find a way to manifest it, by firstly researching the available data as the internet and learning more about the point, about the procedure, as well as by asking for help and guidance, or finding someone to collaborate with - thus, I commit myself that if an opportunity / idea comes up that is valid as aligned with the principle of equality as what is best for all life, I will not allow myself to give up within the self diminishing belief that I am too small and incapable to achieve / manifest this goal / idea, and instead I will find a practical way within the physical reality as the practical steps required to manifest the point into life. And so, I will not allow myself to be directed by the idea that I cannot, but instead will learn and find ways, apply creativity and ask for assistance, and as I walk, acquire the skills necessary to do so.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, February 21, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
Day 162 - Running ahead of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run ahead of myself, as to project into the future, in my mind ideas / imaginations / fears, to then believe them as reality while not realizing that reality is here, in the physical and not a projection of a future that hasn't happened, and is a mere reflection of my imagination / fears / desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run ahead of myself as instead of remaining here in breath - remaining here in breath through making decisions and living them in the physical reality as reality unfolds
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what is actually here by existing in my mind, as living in an illusion, of a self created movie scene representing what I desire and fear, creating an energetic reaction as excitement or anxiety, accumulating the energy to then, when reality unfolds, react to it and not stand stable as breath
I realize that participating in future projections is self sabotage, because I am, by doing so, building up the energetic charge within myself in relation to the future projection as desire and fear, and then when reality unfolds I experience conflict / friction or satisfaction, all mind energetic experiences, and thus creating the path for myself to become possessed by the mind's energy, instead of remaining here in breath, not building up and accumulating energy through future projections, to then, whatever reality brings forth, walk in stability, because I would have not attached energy in expectation or anxiousness to be enslaved to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak about the future and share my future projections as if they were real, and by doing so, dragging those around me in my illusions, not taking into consideration the consequences of not only deluding myself, but also deluding those around me, not considering them at all, but rather using them as a platform to entertain my future projections, as I make them an audience to my future show
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by sharing my future projections I am giving them that much more power over me, as I have given myself as my future projections an audience, within this I realize that I must "control myself, as to when I see myself going into future projections, to stop myself and breathe, and to not entertain myself as the mind by sharing these ideas because it makes them physical in a way, and thus gives them more power over me, as I have now exposed them and others know of them, thus, as self support, I commit myself to refrain from sharing with others my future projections / ideas / imaginations, and make a point of remaining physical and practical within my words, as to support myself and them, through speaking the truth, as the reality of what is here, and not to speak the illusions of my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, through out my day, as I do physical activities, instead of being here in breath, to be in my mind as future projections, as I imagine what I will say, what I will ware, how things will be, I imagine my experience within it, I separate myself completely from myself here, from reality, and embark in a journey into my mind
I realize that this is an addiction, because if it was not, it would be easy to stop it in the moment - today, as I was working in the garden, I stopped myself over and over again, saying to myself "NO!!" each time I saw myself going into the thoughts / imaginations - as I was stopping myself over and over I became frustrated and helpless, but then I realized that is also but a mind trick, because there is no point in giving up to helplessness, and yes, I will have to stop myself many many times before the thoughts stop coming up - I have given them so much energy through out my life, it will take time and persistence to stop them, to have their energy dissipate - thus, I realize that it's not a matter of giving up, but simply a matter of making the decision and sticking to it - thus, I commit myself to stop myself in breath, when and as I see myself going into my mind as future projections, imaginations, ideas, and within stopping to forgive myself and not allow myself to create and hold on to any self judgment, and to simply stop as many times as it takes, until it is done.
When I realize / see I'm in my mind, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to what I am physically busy with, I focus on my breath, I focus on my physical body
Within this, I commit myself to investigate the points that keep coming up, because I realize they are showing me back to myself, as representing a relationship within me towards myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into future projections in regards to starting a business, within planning and imagining what I will say / do / ware, I realize this indicates a point of not trusting myself, as I exist within a belief / experience, that I must plan ahead, even though, once again, the point isn't here, from perspective that I am not, for instance, at the mall, buying cloths for work - I am working in the garden and anything that isn't in direct relation to what I am doing now, in the garden is irrelevant - I realize that within participating in that which is irrelevant I am showing myself a point of anxiety, based on not trusting myself to be able to handle life as it comes my way, and thus believe I am preparing myself through future projections
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to handle whatever comes my way, through remaining here, breathing in stability - I realize this lack of self trust in regards to work is created through memories I am still holding onto within myself and giving value to and defining myself through.
In my next blog I will open up these memories, and will walk them through in self forgiveness to free myself from their hold of me, or actually my hold on them, so that I can learn from the past rather than being enslaved to it.
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Friday, January 18, 2013
Why do I feel inadequate?
I don't know when this started, I wonder if it has been there since the beginning… let me go back in my memories to dig up more experiences of inadequacy, I will start from the end, as the current time and will go backwards in time.
What I see is that now, as I'm walking the desteni process I am experiencing myself as inadequate, as not able to change, not applying myself enough, not able to apply myself more.
A few years ago, before I found desteni, I wanted to be a massage therapist, and I knew I was good, but I experienced myself as not good enough, there was something missing, I had tried it out for a few years but never really pushed myself within it because I experienced myself as inadequate
Before becoming a massage therapist I had gone to university and got my physics degree, I told myself that I would be there for as long as I can, until I will inevitably fail, because I experienced myself as not smart enough - I ended up finishing with good grades and all, but my over all experience was of inadequacy, and after the degree I wanted nothing to do with physics, hence going to the other side of the universe and becoming a massage therapist.
Before the physics degree I was in the army, there were many jobs I could have had but didn't push myself to try anything that would stretch my comfort zone, so in the army I didn't experience myself as inadequate because working with youth (which is oddly enough what I did in the army) came naturally to me, though there were points of inadequacy in relation to creativity, now that I think about it, and the same point came up in my last job with youth, as I experience myself inadequate in regards to anything that has to do with creativity, even the basic stuff like painting an informative sign for the children to see, or creating the activities…
Before the army I was a student in school, where I experienced myself rather comfortably, especially socially, but there were certain subjects that I had that didn’t come easy, like literature classes, I didn't enjoy reading, I defiantly felt inadequate, as my friends were heavy readers and I wasn't, I considered myself a slow reader so I didn't like to read at all.
And, before that as a younger child, the memory that comes up is playing games with my older sister, there was one game that we played, it's called 5 rocks, and it involves some coordination and speed and accuracy, it could be played in two levels, I would always play the lower/easier lever and she would play the higher/advanced one, and of course she would win the game each time, and I… you guessed it, experienced myself as inadequate.
Before that I was a gymnast, not professionally, just as an afternoon activity, and I really enjoyed it, but the teachers were harsh, they wanted to make competitors out of us, so they really pushed for excellence, I remember there were two younger girls and they were so good, seeing them doing what they could do, I felt clumsy and inadequate, like I don't belong, like my being there, at their lever, must have been a mistake.
I see now that this construct has been with me for quite some time, as I have been nurturing it with each experience, integrating the experience within and as myself, each time another layer, and another layer, and another and another - at the moment I experience myself daily as inadequate, there is nothing I do that I have full confidence in myself, there is nothing that I do that fear in regards to my performance doesn't come up.
Through out my life I have created myself as the inadequate character to such an extent that I believe it to be me, I can't imagine myself without this experience, I can't imagine myself free of this experience, I can’t imagine myself walking my life in stability, in confidence, in self trust, I can't imagine myself actually valuing myself and caring for myself. Maybe it's a good thing that I can't imagine it, because obviously I have never lived it, so any imagination would have just created an idea in my mind, an idea that can never be lived and thus create another wall of separation between me and all that - I realize now, I am at a point that I must decide to let this character go, and embrace the un known, as I do not know how will I be when I let this construct go, so there is no point in assuming and guessing…
The only practical thing to do, is to start walking, letting the construct, the memories, the energetic charge attached to them, letting them all go through self forgiveness, forgiving all the self beliefs, ideas, judgments, comparisons, that I have accepted and allowed as myself, as what has brought me to where I am today.
Why self forgiveness? Because it is an active and self directive act of realizing what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as, it is an act of taking self responsibility, and an act of letting it go, putting it behind me, stopping the self judgment, the shame, the guilt, the regret, and moving forward in awareness, as a commitment towards myself that I will learn from what I have realized about myself, I will correct myself, and will support myself to change, to never again abuse myself through repeatedly putting myself down to such a degree that I find nothing about myself that I can say that I am good at - how have I allowed myself to mistreat myself in such a way? And more importantly, what am I gaining from this construct? As, I realize that knowing what is my gain will assist me in finding the deception within this perceived profit, as I know by now how the mind works, I know it will sell me a story for me to hold onto in order to not part from this character, thus, I must find the point of value I have given it in order to not be manipulated by it.
All this and more will be continued in the next blogs
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
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