Monday, April 8, 2013

Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”

this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up



Not believing I am nor capable of being a hard worker is but another limiting self belief I have found I participate with, here I will open up my relationship to the concept of being a hard worker, through looking at judgments, positive and negative, I hold towards how I have defined and have lived the concept of being a hard worker.


The term “hard worker” brings up an image of a person wearing work cloths and doing physical work – a hard worker is related to “blue collar” types of jobs, physical / factory / farming types of jobs, I consider my dad a hard worker, my cousins are hard workers, my brother can be a hard worker, I see my ex-boyfriend as a hard worker, so there are a few people that when I think of them as I how I see them, I see them as being hard workers. This is a quality / character that I consider as positive, and so I look up to people that I see this quality in them, and in comparison to them, I see myself as lacking this quality.


In my definition of the concept of being a hard worker, there is something grounded, earthy and physical.


Whereas, someone that works in an office, or as a doctor for instance, I will not necessarily define as a hard worker, I would say they are dedicated to their job, or I will call them workaholics, but the term hard worker will not so much apply according to my initial association to the word.


It’s interesting because I respect “hard workers” as they are the ones doing the actual valuable physical jobs, actually getting things done in the physical, in my imagination I see them as if they could be left on an isolated island and they will survive because they are physical, they do what needs to be done, they don’t complain, they don’t manipulate, they don’t try to get out of it, they have integrity, respect for the physical and to the work they do, and they can do any work with pride, within the simple understanding that it needs to be done.


On the other hand, as I investigate this point which initially seems like I have placed it as an all positive concept – I realize that I judge these types of jobs, and when I find myself facing them I resist and, manipulate and try to get out of it, or at the very least, while participating in such “blue collar” tasks, I would constantly back chat about how I shouldn’t be doing such a type of jobs, as I experience it as beneath me, demeaning, not worthy – which is fascinating because I am proud of others for doing such, though, even this last statement, now that I look at it closer, is not actually true, because I remember that throughout growing up I was embarrassed as a child that my dad was a plumber and all the other dads were lawyers and engineers. So I wasn’t in fact proud that he had a “blue collar” job, and I didn’t even see all the positive things that I wrote above, all I could see / experience is the embarrassment / shame for my dad not being a “white collar” dad, like my friend’s dads.


So, why was I embarrassed? What do I judge? Why do I see it seen by me as a lesser job?


I dated a guy once, and his dad was also a “blue collar” worker, and as he picked me up in his dad’s car he apologized for the smell, but I enjoyed the smell cause it was familiar and reminded me of my dad – So, in a way, it actually made me feel comfortable, but I know why he apologized, another girl might have seen it as a disadvantage and would have taken it as a bad first impression, and in such case the apology is like a point of expressing to the other “yes, I know it sucks, I wish it were different, you don’t have to secretly judge me, we can both openly judge me together…. But why is there this accepted point of judgment? And why when it’s his dad I’m cool with it, and don’t see it as anything to be ashamed of, but when it’s my dad there is shame / hiding/ embarrassment?


So, what are the reasons to grade one job as better than another? And why if one is associated with the inferior job they would be embarrassed? I can clearly see two reasons, one is salary, where the higher the pay the more you would respect / desire that job and would like to be associated with it, and the second reason is social constructs and acceptances – where I come from, it seems like people are defined by their work, and different jobs are placed on a social value scale, usually according to the income, and the level of training required, and a general prestige that a job may get through exposure through the media, almost like PR. “blue collar” types of jobs pay les, have less training and are less prestigious and are consider in general inferior, where only the bad students are deemed to go to a “professional school” to acquire a “blue collar” type of job, while anyone that is on their path to success will almost never consider a “blue collar” job as their dream job , they will most likely go to university, and get their higher education certifications, so they can maybe manage a group of “blue dollar” workers, but not in order to be one.


Much more to come, in relation to the self definition “I am not a hard worker”


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