Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness

I've been walking with the horses here on the desteni farm, and when I just started I experienced a fear of horses, since then I've become much more comfortable with them and really enjoy working with them.

What's interesting about working with horses is that they are a mirror to self, what this means is that they adjust themselves according to the person that is working with them, and will show them their weaknesses through "taking advantage" of their weak points of application, thus allow the person working with them to face themselves as their points of weakness - this is what happened to me today.

I've been walking Fat (he's a big horse) in the past few weeks, and have been learning learn a lot about how to direct him, he is a very well trained horse so it's been quite easy, but even though he is trained and knows exactly what he needs to do, he still will mirror me and perform according to how effective I am with him, thus, if I am exhibiting a specific pattern, he will tap on to it and act accordingly to expose it to me.

So he started with walking too close to me, and I allowed it, then he started to cut corners too close to me, and walk faster than me, and then he stepped on my foot, twice. I have not been affective in setting his boundaries, well actually, setting my boundaries as a wall between us that he should not pass, so essentially I have been allowing him to walk all over me and he, as my mirror, has been doing exactly that, thus allowing me to see that I have not been effective, have not been clear and direct, have not been consistent and basically have being expressing myself as a wimp.

How I experience myself, as I walk him, and want him to do something, is like a form of shyness, I don't feel comfortable being clear and direct, I don't feel comfortable with making big hand movements, I don't feel comfortable with making extreme gesture, I've been expressing myself as weak, like I'm asking him to please, and just if he's ok with it, do me a favor by slowing down or not stepping on me, I've not been allowing myself to be assertive, yes, this is the word I've been looking for - Assertiveness.

I see there is a polarity within myself as I have connected being assertive to being aggressive and within defining myself as a "nice person" I have been resisting assertiveness, not allowing myself to express myself with assertiveness. So, what I've been doing is that I try to get him to do what I ask, but I'm trying to be nice about it, because I don't want to be aggressive, within this there is a fear of hurting him, or even worse, a fear that I make a mistake and piss him off, and have him attack me or something of that sort. Within this I see that I haven't realized that assertiveness isn't aggressiveness, and that by trying to "be nice" I've not been clear in my expression towards him, not allowing myself to let go the "nice" point and simply be here and effectively direct the horse.

When I spoke about it to the person that works with him regularly and knows him, and horses in general quite well, she explained to me the mirroring behavior of the horses and showed me the specific points I must work on and emphasize as I walk with him. As we were discussing my application with Fat, I saw that I've been participating within the "submissive character" as a character that allows oneself to be abused, as I've been allowing him to "push me around" and even hurt me as he allowed himself to step on my foot, twice, which was the consequence of me not standing within assertiveness within holding my boundaries and being clear and direct.

Now I see the point a bit more clearly, it's not so much about being submissive, although it is a dimension within myself and a character I participate within, I find that the more dominant point is my resistance to being assertive, and the submissive character is an outflow of that.

So I'm grateful for working with the horses, as assertiveness has been a resistance for me through out my life, so it's really cool it's come up now, and I see that as I continue working with the horses I will have a practical practice ground and a cool reference point, to see if my application is affective through how the horse will react to me, and I can continue correcting myself until I get it right, and bring myself to a point that I am comfortable within myself as I allow myself to express myself within standing as assertiveness.

I found a few dictionary definitions for assertiveness, the definition of 'assertive' I'm refereeing to is: Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the expression of assertiveness within defining assertiveness in relation to aggression, instead of realizing that assertiveness is a clear and direct stand of self, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist standing as assertiveness and instead of facing/questioning my resistance from assertiveness I have accepted the justification that it is connected to aggression and left it at that

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself resisting a specific expression, as assertiveness, I investigate the point to clear the definition I have given the specific expression, and within common sense, and within the starting point of what is best for all, I make a directive decision wither I will participate with this expression as myself or not, within this I commit myself to investigate how I've defined words and my relationship to them in order to be able to make a clear and direct decision as to who I am and how I would express myself, and not be directed by tainted definitions that I have never questioned/investigated, that are based in perceptions/fears/personalities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist expressing myself as assertiveness and as a result have expressed myself as submissive, thus allowing myself to be pushed around and abused, not standing up for myself, not setting the boundaries, not being self directive, due to fear of being aggressive, not allowing myself to see the self aggression within not allowing myself to stand up clear within myself

I commit myself to walk through this point of assertiveness, through opening it up in writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, as to allow myself to stand here, directive within/as myself

I will continue in my next blog to open up the point of who I am within assertiveness

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Day 36 - My relationship with food - Part 1

I have realized that through looking at my relationships to everything/everyone in my existence I will be able to regain insight to who I am within it all. it's rather funny/absurd when thinking about it, that I need to find techniques to regain insight regarding myself as I AM myself…  but apparently I have worked hard all my life to hide myself from myself and I have reached a point that it isn't clear to me who I am and what I have become. I say this from a perspective of, for instance, I don't know why I do certain things, in particular things that I know are not supporting me in any way and are in fact hurting/abusing me and/or my environment, but still I do them. Furthermore, I do them within self-justifications/deceptions/manipulation so I don't see clearly what exactly it is that I am doing.

I've been living my whole life abusing myself but hiding it from myself within justifications, and now I've decided that it's time to face myself within the creation of/as myself, it's time to take responsibility for this shit, and face who I have allowed myself to become, to be able to stop the abuse through/as a self-directive decision, to allow myself to see me for who I am, no judgment, just a commitment to change myself so that I can be trusted, so that I can trust myself, so that I trust myself that I will not abuse myself or anyone else and then try and hide it with justifications/manipulations.

So I do this now through investigating my relationships, within realizing that I am equal to my relationships, I am equal to what I allow within/as my relationships, thus by looking at / investigating my relationships I will get insight into myself.

I start with my relationship towards food:

I need food to survive, I enjoy eating, eating/meals is a social event, when food is served I take a lot, I eat until I am really full, eat to the point where it makes me feel heavy, not a good feeling, but I don't stop earlier, if I stop eating before I'm really full I feel deprived, when I see other people eating I want to eat too even if I wasn't hungry or thinking of food, after eating a lot I judge myself for it, feel bad for eating "too much" because I don't want to get fat and I see that as the direct consequences  of me eating too much, I like eating "healthy" foods it makes me feel good about myself, I don't like throwing food away "it's a waste" so I'll prefer eating it or save it for later, I eat when I am bored, when I am looking or something to do within an experience of emptiness and I turn to food to fill me

There is a basic fear of not having enough food, a worry of getting hungry later and not having any food to eat, thus I will take more than what I should eat out of fear of not having enough, and within that I actually create a shortage to those in my environment because I took too much, but as I'm feeding myself I don't consider any one but my self-interest as the fear of survival, in the moment of truth it's more important to me that I am fed properly than that others are fed, then after I have placed the food in my plate, while we are eating I will feel guilty/bad for taking too much, especially if I see someone didn't get enough, and then I will eat everything off my plate to justify the large portion of food I took, making sure that no one else will think that I took more than I can handle and judge/blame me for taking too much and causing a shortage for others, so I force myself to eat it all, as justification for taking too much, instead of allowing myself to see how much I actually needed to eat and learn from my "mistake" to next time take less. But I am so busy in justifying taking too much that I'll force myself to eat it all, even if it's physically painful, just to be able to reassure myself that I didn't really take too much because have a look I finished it all.

Another point that comes up when I fill up my plate is that I fear people will look at my portions and judge me for eating a lot, so even if everybody had enough still I will fear the judgment eyes of others thinking "wow, look at how much she is eating", this judgment is related to how I see myself as fat, because the full back chat would actually be: "no wonder she is fat, look at how much she is eating…"

When I really like the food, I'll take seconds, many times I'm not hungry any more but I'll take more food because I want to have more of the good stuff, I want to consume more of it, I figure f I don't eat it then someone else will because it's so good and then I'll be deprived, so I'll eat more now to compensate in a way of the possibility of not having any more left for later.

The result of my relationship with food is actual physical abuse, as I feel physically bad after the meal, I feel heavy and bloated, also it causes weight gain and thus enhanced the  construct of feeling/judging myself for being fat which is another point within my relationship to food, there is like a love/hate relationship, because I love food but it makes me fat and I hate myself as fat, within the 'fat' point I don't like the idea of being on a diet or monitoring my food intake, because I judge it as superficial/vain so in spite of myself I will "eat as much as I want I what I want" as if to cover up the vanity I exist as within judging myself for being fat and desiring myself to be skinny.

Another point is temptation, if there is something I really like, for instance chocolate/cake, I will eat it even if I'm really very full, just because I want to enjoy the taste, even if my general experience isn't of enjoinment because my entire body is suffering from eating too much, but I can't say no to the treat, and I'll eat it just to satisfy my self-interest temptation, instead of doing what's best for all my body and just saying no to the temptation because I know the end result is my suffering. Yet, I will allow enjoy the momentary fulfillment of the temptation at the expense of the well-known consequences as physically suffering and self-judging due to it

I see within this that I've been using food as self-abuse, as physical abuse through eating too much up to a point that I am physically uncomfortable instead of using food as a practical physical support as nurturing my physical body, I've used food as a tool for self-judgment where I judge myself for being fat and then support that judgment with/through overeating, where I see within it like a form of punishment, where, since I judge myself for being fat, I punish myself within overeating, I see also a point of giving up of ever being skinny so I sabotage myself within overeating, instead of not allowing myself to abuse myself in such a way, where I make eating/food, through overeating,  into a bad thing that supports my self judgment   

another point within my relationship to food construct is where I get something to eat out of boredom, like there is an emptiness within me and I will fill it up with food, or I feel like something but don't know what it is that I want and I'll satisfy this uneasiness with food, it doesn't really solve the point but it postpones it for a few bites.

I see within myself that I do not want to let go this relationship I have with food, I want to hold on to my addiction, I have excuses coming up "but I don't want to be on a diet" showing me the polarity I have created in regards to food, instead of allowing myself to eat as self support, I have been eating as a way to create energy within/as me, not the physical energy needed to support the body but the emotional energy needed to feed the mind, within the contrast/polarity and self judgment and lack of self direction with it all.

So I don't want to let go, I want to hold on to my addiction, but I realize that is the pattern of addiction, and thus I stand within/as myself and direct myself to stop the addiction to food, within firstly writing myself to freedom within applying self forgiveness, I will myself to stop myself as the addiction, to trust myself that I am supporting myself through food and not abusing myself within/as the energy I consume through it

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to physically abuse myself through overeating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take more than I require due to fear of survival within self interest of making sure that I have enough while not taking into consideration those in my environment, and within that to create through my over-consumption a lack, a shortage, and thus to manifest that which I fear as lack of food through my participation as being directed by the fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat until I am really full up to a point that I create myself physical pain/uncomfortability instead of allowing myself to stop eating before that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel deprived if I stop eating before I am really full not realizing that feeling deprived is based on an idea created within/as the mind, and thus is not real in fact, what is real is that through my allowing myself to be directed by this feeling of being deprived I am in fact abusing myself as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for overeating because of not wanting to get fat, instead of investigating the initial starting point of overeating and thus creating another layer to the pattern of overeating through participating within/as self judgment derived from the idea of how I should look within comparing myself to that ide and judging myself for not living as it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat only because others are eating instead of eating as self support when my body requires it and not based on the visual trigger of others eating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not limit myself within the amounts of food I eat and only limit myself through physical pain, thus through actually abusing myself to the point of pain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create energetic relationships with food/eating and thus not allow myself to eat as physical support but to abuse eating as a way to suppress myself and what I am experiencing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food within/as an energetic relationship instead of using it as physical nutrition for my body

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to eat as physical support as nurturing my body, but instead to eat from a starting point of the mind, within using food as a way to suppress myself through eating as preoccupying myself within/as food instead of allowing myself to see/face myself as who I have accepted/allowed myself to be and to through self forgiveness/writing  change myself into an effective trust worthy being

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the point I am hiding from myself within the point of overeating

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what is the starting point within/as overeating

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate/face who I am within overeating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat as a form of suppression, creating physical pain/discomfort to distract me from the mind discomfort I am experiencing but do not want to allow myself to see/face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to eat as a way to feel better, as if everything is OK with me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get comfort from eating, as a form of drug as a way to zone off the pain/discomfort

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see not eating as a form of punishment, like I would be punishing myself to deprive myself of the enjoinment of eating something, within that not allowing myself to make a self directed decisions to how to support myself as my physical body through eating comfortable portions at comfortable times within "listening" to my body and eating as self physical support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea that not eating is a punishment and thus I separate myself further from myself as the physical body within eating at all times when ever a trigger comes up regardless to how my physical body is feeling in regards to consuming more food at the moment

I forgive myself for judging myself now, within writing self forgiveness, for not allowing myself to see the actual point within my relationship to food, within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to breathe, to be here within/as self forgiveness and allowing myself to walk it one breath at a time as I unfold/expose myself to myself within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from myself to see the point in the moment and I haven't allowed myself to realize within this that I am walking a process and slowly but surely I will open more and more points as I allow myself within self honesty, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to bare with myself and to allow myself to breathe through/as process as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself as the physical body when I as my physical body am showing/signaling myself to stop eating

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to further investigate this point as I see that I have not yet reached the core point/cause within this construct of overeating

I commit myself to stop myself within/as self judgment when I see myself judging myself for not seeing the point directly, within that I realize that opening myself up to/as myself will take time as I build self trust, as I must trust myself to open up to myself, within that showing to myself my relationship with self as not yet establishing self trust, within this I commit myself to walk a process of establishing self trust within realizing that self trust is the basis for a supoprtive relationship within/as self towards self.

I commit myself to slow myself down within breath as I am eating, to give myself a chance to be aware of my physical body as it signals when I should stop eating, within this I commit myself to listening to my physical body and not ignore it when it is signaling me to stop eating

I commit myself to build a supportive relationship with myself as my physical body through not allowing myself to abuse myself as the physical body within/as overeating