Showing posts with label enslavement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label enslavement. Show all posts
Thursday, February 21, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
Day 162 - Running ahead of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run ahead of myself, as to project into the future, in my mind ideas / imaginations / fears, to then believe them as reality while not realizing that reality is here, in the physical and not a projection of a future that hasn't happened, and is a mere reflection of my imagination / fears / desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run ahead of myself as instead of remaining here in breath - remaining here in breath through making decisions and living them in the physical reality as reality unfolds
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what is actually here by existing in my mind, as living in an illusion, of a self created movie scene representing what I desire and fear, creating an energetic reaction as excitement or anxiety, accumulating the energy to then, when reality unfolds, react to it and not stand stable as breath
I realize that participating in future projections is self sabotage, because I am, by doing so, building up the energetic charge within myself in relation to the future projection as desire and fear, and then when reality unfolds I experience conflict / friction or satisfaction, all mind energetic experiences, and thus creating the path for myself to become possessed by the mind's energy, instead of remaining here in breath, not building up and accumulating energy through future projections, to then, whatever reality brings forth, walk in stability, because I would have not attached energy in expectation or anxiousness to be enslaved to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak about the future and share my future projections as if they were real, and by doing so, dragging those around me in my illusions, not taking into consideration the consequences of not only deluding myself, but also deluding those around me, not considering them at all, but rather using them as a platform to entertain my future projections, as I make them an audience to my future show
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by sharing my future projections I am giving them that much more power over me, as I have given myself as my future projections an audience, within this I realize that I must "control myself, as to when I see myself going into future projections, to stop myself and breathe, and to not entertain myself as the mind by sharing these ideas because it makes them physical in a way, and thus gives them more power over me, as I have now exposed them and others know of them, thus, as self support, I commit myself to refrain from sharing with others my future projections / ideas / imaginations, and make a point of remaining physical and practical within my words, as to support myself and them, through speaking the truth, as the reality of what is here, and not to speak the illusions of my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, through out my day, as I do physical activities, instead of being here in breath, to be in my mind as future projections, as I imagine what I will say, what I will ware, how things will be, I imagine my experience within it, I separate myself completely from myself here, from reality, and embark in a journey into my mind
I realize that this is an addiction, because if it was not, it would be easy to stop it in the moment - today, as I was working in the garden, I stopped myself over and over again, saying to myself "NO!!" each time I saw myself going into the thoughts / imaginations - as I was stopping myself over and over I became frustrated and helpless, but then I realized that is also but a mind trick, because there is no point in giving up to helplessness, and yes, I will have to stop myself many many times before the thoughts stop coming up - I have given them so much energy through out my life, it will take time and persistence to stop them, to have their energy dissipate - thus, I realize that it's not a matter of giving up, but simply a matter of making the decision and sticking to it - thus, I commit myself to stop myself in breath, when and as I see myself going into my mind as future projections, imaginations, ideas, and within stopping to forgive myself and not allow myself to create and hold on to any self judgment, and to simply stop as many times as it takes, until it is done.
When I realize / see I'm in my mind, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to what I am physically busy with, I focus on my breath, I focus on my physical body
Within this, I commit myself to investigate the points that keep coming up, because I realize they are showing me back to myself, as representing a relationship within me towards myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into future projections in regards to starting a business, within planning and imagining what I will say / do / ware, I realize this indicates a point of not trusting myself, as I exist within a belief / experience, that I must plan ahead, even though, once again, the point isn't here, from perspective that I am not, for instance, at the mall, buying cloths for work - I am working in the garden and anything that isn't in direct relation to what I am doing now, in the garden is irrelevant - I realize that within participating in that which is irrelevant I am showing myself a point of anxiety, based on not trusting myself to be able to handle life as it comes my way, and thus believe I am preparing myself through future projections
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to handle whatever comes my way, through remaining here, breathing in stability - I realize this lack of self trust in regards to work is created through memories I am still holding onto within myself and giving value to and defining myself through.
In my next blog I will open up these memories, and will walk them through in self forgiveness to free myself from their hold of me, or actually my hold on them, so that I can learn from the past rather than being enslaved to it.
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Monday, December 24, 2012
I've been walking this process for some time now, always within a point of doubt towards the possibility and the ability to stop ones thoughts, as I experience them being so many and moving so fast it makes it almost impossible to stop them. So, instead of using the tools as writing and self forgiveness within self trust that only through self dedication will there ever be a chance to start seeing all the thoughts and bringing them to my awareness and investigating their origin point and see why am I holding on to them, as to see what is the point of self interest, and within finding the point allowing myself to let go and stop them, as I stop my participation with them, time after time after time, until their energy runs out - instead of doing this I was enslaved to the idea that it cannot be done, and I haven't even really tried.A few days ago I realized an interesting point, I was asked what were my thoughts during the day, and my initial response was to come up with two thoughts and then go into a giving up from perspective of "I can't remember all my thoughts, there are too many", but then after a few moment I looked at it again, and I suddenly realized that I've been kidding myself - I don't have a million thoughts, I have about 4-7 main thought categories and they each come up in many different expressions - when I saw this I realized how much time I have wasted due to not allowing myself to simply start my process of investigating the thoughts, because I allowed myself to be enslaved to my fears and beliefs, instead of trusting myself here, and opening up what will come up and not worry about not getting it all NOW, but just starting to walk one thought at a time, I allowed myself to be enslaved to overwhelmingness instead of directing myself to support myself.
I realize my mind is like a big recipe book, where each specific thought is like a recipe. So I have this big heavy book to go through and it seems like it will take forever, but actually the recipes are divided into categories, just as I've seen my thoughts are an expression of a few categories, and many of the recipes have the same ingredients that repeat themselves, just my thoughts are created by energetic reactions as emotions and feelings, so I must allow myself to open the book, and start investigating the recipes one category at a time, one recipe at a time, to see what ingredients create it, as to see what energetic reactions are behind the thoughts, which specific emotions and feelings are creating the thoughts, and then, through self forgiveness correcting the ingredients one by one to align myself a living expression that is best for all, an expression that will support me and manifest a healthy and effective recipe book - to come to a point that all the recipes in the book are the best possible recipes, with the best ingredients possible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by overwhelmingness to the extent of not allowing myself to start my process of self support within self investigation in self honesty due to fear of the vastness of the mind, not realizing that the mind is limited from perspective that it feeds me the same train of thoughts over and over and from that perspective, makes it easier to deal with as there are really infinite thoughts but a hand full of categories that are based on the same energetic reactions - thus, I commit myself to start my process of self investigation, I commit myself to dedicate myself to self change within allowing myself to look at the thoughts and within self honesty see where they are coming from and what are they showing me, within allowing myself to let go the self definitions I have created about myself as self limitation, and allow myself to expand beyond what/how I've known myself to be, as self directive principle within understanding that I have been limiting, abusing and compromising myself and all life as myself through accepting and allowing myself to remain enslaved by the mind - it's time to stop - it's time to actually walk this process and clear myself from the preprograming that I have been existing as and to start living as self expression, as life.
Yesterday I was listening to an EQAFE interview and wrote down all the back chat that came up in that one hour, each thought/back chat was unique, as they didn't repeat themselves directly, but I've noticed a few main points/categories that keep coming up over and over, each time they are slightly different, what I find is that most of these points come to my awareness as back chat, as a voice in my head, then if I listen to the voice and give it my attention, I allow myself to get drawn into it, to fall into my mind and create like a movie scene in my imagination where I visualize the scenario, and completely separate myself from what is going on around me here in the physical reality, in many cases I experience it as if I fall a sleep, but I'm not falling a sleep, I am falling into my mind, as I'm allowing myself to follow the back chat into the imagination visualization, and at that point I am not here any more, I am up there in my mind, completely separated, completely lost - the categories I noticed yesterday were:
1. Responsibilities and commitments - all the list of chores haunt me at moments when I am not free to do them, thinking of excuses to why I didn't do them, judging myself for not doing them, thinking of ideas of how I will do them and when
2. Food - specifically when I'm hungry, thoughts about what will I eat, how will I prepare it
3. Appearance - judging my appearance, comparing myself to others, judging others
4. Irritation - reacting to things people say, taking things personally, perceiving others are reacting to me in irritation
5. Movies - replaying scenes from movies or TV series
6. Relationship - fantasize about relationships/sex, thinking of guys I desire, guys I was in relationship with
I commit myself to walk each category, through the practical steps of opening up in writing the specific back chat that come up, and for each back chat to identify the reaction that it holds within it, to identify what is the energy as emotion or feeling within it, to investigate what exactly did I react to, what made me react, what word or movement, something external that I took in from my environment and reacted to, and then ask myself why did I react, what memory do I hold that trigger that reaction, what past experience created this program within me.
Within this I realize that there is no point to take any of this personally as taking it personally is another mind tactic to keep me from actually investigating in self honesty, as taking it personally is within judgment and blame, and thus a barrier from actually seeing it as it is, as a program that I have allowed to run through/in me, but it is not me, it does not define me, it's not who I am, and thus identifying with it, with the back chat with the thoughts, I counter productive - a funny analogy was shared with me, and it really "hit home" - the voices in my head that I identify with, it's like walking into a dark room, and hearing someone speak and believing it is me - what is funny that if I would go into a dark room I would know that I am not the one speaking, I didn't direct myself to speak, I didn't intend myself to speak and thus I didn't speak - but in the mind I allow myself to believe it is me that is thinking all these thoughts, even though I didn't direct myself to think any one of them, I didn't intend to think them, yet I hear them in my head and believe them to be me - it's in sane…
Even as I'm writing I have thoughts as a voice in my head speaking to me - so this is where I am, completely possessed by my mind - and that's all the reason to get in gear and start walking this process because I've had it up to here, and I will not accept this anymore - it doesn't make any sense that I am being directed by a voice in my head, instead of being here as self, as breath, and actually directing myself as the living being that I know I am if I only allow myself to be.
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Thursday, November 15, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness
Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as good/positive and thus fear losing this definition of myself within believing that without this self definition I will be lost/gone, not realizing that the definition I have of myself, based on the values/morals I was brought up as, as part of my family/society , is within a polarity of good/bad, right/wrong, and thus based on judgment of the mind, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by living as a self definition I am not allowing myself to actually see me, as know who I actually am, because my perception has been tainted through the desire to fit in what I believe to be desired/accepted by the society/family within the norm/value system , thus I have allowed myself to mold myself into a definition I believed to be suitable for me, thus suppressing myself as who I really am, as not allowing myself to see the parts of self that don't fit into that predefined mold, as not allowing myself to even know the totality of who I am in fact, in order to hold on to a definition I have created as myself, without considering anything else besides my perceived survival, not realizing that by allowing myself to be directed by the fear of survival I have actually sacrificed myself as life, and thus now, instead of allowing myself to expand as life and change within the principle of what is best for all life, I have trapped myself in self created and accepted definitions that I have created as a survival mechanism within self interest not considering myself as life and all as life in equality, allowing myself to exist and participate within/as the mind as separation of myself and reality as a whole
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a definition, as a one dimensional, static, based in the past, 'dead' definition instead of realizing myself as life, as a live, dynamic, ever changing, ever expanding, multi dimensional living being that is by definition indefinable because any definition would be a form of limitation/enslavement and thus not align with or supportive of life as who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the definition of myself as good/positive within believing that it actually defines who I am, not realizing that who I am is not in fact limited to a definition and that existing as a definition is based on self diminishment as a mind manipulation to keep me enslaved within separation ad not know/realize who I am as life, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing definitions I believe to be true within/as my reality, as the religion of self as the religion of knowledge, as I have based my point of view on these definitions/beliefs and if I am to change the definition/perspective I have on reality it would mean I have to change myself as my point of view will change, within this I realize that there exist a fear within me as to not wanting to change myself, where I want to change without changing due to fear of change, due to fear of stepping out of the comfort zone of what is familiar as how I know reality to be, and to step into a new unfamiliar experience of the world and my reality through the new/corrected definition/perspective, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change, and within that to allow myself to be limited as who I believe myself to be, not allowing myself to expand/grow/change within realizing that what I believed to be true doesn't stand, and thus must be let go of, in order to find a new and more accurate, more supportive, more applicable definition/perspective that actually supports self as life and all as one as equal and doesn't support the polarity of the mind, as comparison / limitation / judgment / abuse, I realize the world that exist today must change, and thus all definitions/perspectives that create the world must be changed in order to "make room" for a new definitions/perspectives that actually takes all life into consideration and supports life as what is here in the physical reality and not supports the mental alternate reality of the mind in definitions / judgments / limitations / beliefs / comparison...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do everything in my ability to protect the definition of myself as good/positive, within this allowing myself to disregard myself as who I really am within the deepest/hidden parts of me as to ignore myself as the evil that exist within/as me as to remain within the self belief of being good/positive, not realizing that through not allowing myself to see the totality of who I am, and only existing within the narrow definition I have created for myself, I am in fact suppressing myself in order to exist/live as an idea, which is really silly when you think about it - I have preferred to live as an idea instead of allowing myself to be/live/express the totality of myself and within that to will/push myself to change anything that isn't aligned with what is best for all within the principle of equality and oneness. so basically, instead of changing myself from within to be aligned with what is best for all within equality and oneness, as being the person I want to be, a person of dignity that supports all life in fact, within and without, I have suppressed myself, and thus actually hiding from myself those parts of myself that require attention and correction, so instead of changing I have suppressed, not realizing that as long as I suppress myself I am still directed/enslaved by the points of suppression that I am hiding from myself, because of the fear of letting them come out, not seeing the influence they still have on me through allowing them to still be a part of me through deliberate suppression, so within this I realize the self sabotage pattern of keeping myself confined to a narrow self definition as a way to actually keep me enslaved to all the darkest most evil parts of me that are actually the directive principle of me as long as I don't face them and accept myself as them to, through accepting the totality of myself, without any judgment, change myself, through writing, self forgiveness, and breath, until I am standing stable as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought/idea of changing the definition I know of frequency, within believing that the definition I have is the only one that could ever be valid, not allowing myself to consider that all that exists now in the world is based on the current accepted definitions, and thus to change what is here we must allow ourselves to change any and every definition into that which supports life and is best for all, if we want to create a world that is best for all. I realize that the world is a reflection of all the definitions we accept within it, and thus all definitions must be investigated and redefined as to what is best for all, thus within realizing this I now see that any resistance I have towards changing a definition of any word is based in self interest, as I don't want to change the word because I don't want to change myself within/as the word, due to believing that I benefit from how things are as it is, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself and all within resisting the change and redefinition of words, and thus not allowing myself to consider changing the definition of 'frequency', I see within this I have attached an energetic value to the definition I have of 'frequency' as it symbolizes my studies, it symbolizes my intelligence, it symbolizes my knowledge, and that is what I fear letting go of - I fear letting go of the advantage I have over others because I have knowledge as to what is frequency, thus desiring a superior position of knowledge, instead of allowing myself to be humble, and to learn/create/accept the new definitions together, within only one point to direct as a living principle as what is best for all, putting a side all self interest as wanting to be smart/intelligent/superior, and to focus on the only thing that matters - equality and oneness as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself within giving up a definition of myself or of something I believe to be true, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the experience that I can be lost through losing/giving up a definition, not realizing that within this I am making a statement that I am the definition, a one dimensional, static, based in the past, dead definition, and not a live, dynamic, ever changing, ever expanding, multi dimensional living being, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to a definition within the accepted belief of myself as a definition I have created myself as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within fear and resistance when I experience/believe I am about to lose/change my definition of myself or of something in my world, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved to the definition within allowing myself to be directed by it, in defense of it, not allowing myself to be here within/as breath, in every moment and as the change of definition come to allow myself to look at it without fear, simply to see what is here within common sense as I allow myself to be the directive principle of myself and my reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected / told what to do, because within my interpretation of the situation I am being defined other than how I would like to define myself as, and within that I experience inner conflict as to who I am and how I am being seen, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a limited experience of myself and within that to protect this experience of myself within reaction as blame and anger towards others/situations that challenge myself within the limited experience I have accepted as myself, instead of allowing myself to let go of the experience as the familiar definition I have of myself and allow myself to expand / grow / change, accepting any and every change as a gift and allow myself to be grateful to any and every correction, challenge as to only through these points, of what is now still experienced as inner conflict, will I ever be able to see myself and change into a living being that is self directive, self honest and within that self supportive and supportive of all as life in equality and oneness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought/idea of changing the definition of frequency within fear of not knowing any thing anymore, not being able to trust anything that I believe to know, within fear of not being able to trust anything that I have trusted and have defined myself as all my life, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as life, here, stable, standing, and instead to place my trust in knowledge and thus when this knowledge is challenged I experience it as I lose the grip of myself instead of remaining standing as I am here, regardless of the knowledge and definitions we use to explain/express reality - reality, as myself, is here, it doesn't need to be defined, definition is only a practical tool for communication, it is limited within it's application, and thus is used for communication but doesn't actually define anything, it is just an idea, a concept, within this I realize that I, as life, am not a concept or idea, thus I realize that changing the definition is using the same tool in a different way, to explain and expand the understanding, in order to provide a more clear view of reality, but that is what it is, a view, and not reality itself, same as me, the definition of me can only show/explain an aspect of me, it will never actually be me, as I am not a definition, I am alive, as life
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