Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Day 216 - Back chat as the God of me

It's still the same point - when I am about to do something that has to do with interaction with people, such as going to a meeting or making a phone call, I experience this form of resistance, a form of fear, an anxiety, and I am reluctant to do it - that's when the back chat is most creative, because now it starts coming up with all the reasons why it's valid to avoid this point and procrastinate it, suddenly "later" is the best time to do everything, suddenly all the other things on my "to do" list jump to first priority and so, instead of seeing this for what it is, as a pattern of fear that I have been participating with all my life up to a point of believing it to be me, and that this pattern as my participation with fear, has been and still is, limiting me from becoming as effective as I can be, enabling me to accomplish all that I want to, and instead of simply not allowing myself to follow this back chat to actually do that which I know needs to be done regardless my momentary preferences and irrational fears.


Looking at it now, I see myself actually enjoying the back chat, as it is the only thing that "allows me to be me" or "accepts me as who I am" - but is it really who I am, or is this back chat simply allowing me to continue existing in my fear as the limitation of myself, and to stay in my small zone of comfort and not change - it "feels" like my back chat is on "my side", it feels like it supports me, when really it is not, it could not be further from the truth - the back chat is only "supporting" me in self interest as the mind, allowing me and manipulating me to exist as a limited lifeless organic robot, but it really never supports me in fact, as who I really am, as what is actually best for me within the greater picture, the picture that is reality as the physical - it never actually supports me as a living being in a living and physical reality - it only supports me as the mind, as the illusion, as opinions, as preferences, as beliefs, as the narrow and limited view of self interest.


I have been following my mind blindly, allowing myself to be directed day in and day out, allowing myself to be directed by the back chat making it to be the god of me, instead of standing up within and as myself and making a stand to / for / as myself, reclaiming myself back to myself, reminding and stating to myself that I am here to serve myself as life, if nothing else than should at least push myself to do what is really best for me, as true self interest and not destructive self interest within following the patterns of fear and self sabotage - to push myself to support myself in fact as what is really best for me in the long run, which is what is best for all in the greater picture, and visa versa, as what is best for all is always the answer to what is best for me - and even though I cannot say I always know what is best, I know for a fact that it is certainly not best for me nor anyone around me to justify my own limitation and accept my fears as the director of me, but rather to support myself to over come my fears and expand and grow and allow myself to become a fearless being, that walks in stability, in consistency, in certainty, in self trust, in self honor, that is up for any challenge, that will not stop for anything until the task is done and complete, that will keep on walking and learning and expanding in every moment and every breath, and walking each breath within the principle of equality as love thy neighbor as myself, as a living practice.


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