Monday, October 8, 2012

Day 54 - Blame Character - Part 4 - Being Repeatedly Attacked – Self Forgiveness

continue from previous blogs:

Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments

Within the blame character I have noticed the point of experiencing myself as being attacked when spoken to in a way that I react to, such as being corrected, or spoken too in a specific tone, I am thus opening up the point of feeling like I'm being attacked, as one of the steps within the blame construct. In my previous blog I opened up the point of reacting to tonality, and now I will open up the experience of being attacked repeatedly, as an expected part of a relationship with another

Within the previous blog I have looked at reacting to the tonality of people within interpreting it as being an attack, now I am looking at the reaction that come up within me when I perceive myself to being attacked repeatedly

If I perceive myself to be attacked often and repeatedly I experience a form of desensitizing, like a form of coping mechanism where I zone out and ignore/suppress the reactions within me, another point within perceiving myself to being repeatedly attracted is that I lose my perception of what is important, like there is no big and small scale, it all becomes with the same intensity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in relationships where I experience myself being attacked repeatedly and I do not direct the point but instead accept it as "that's how things are", and thus, within believing "this is how things are" I forgive myself for not allowing myself to investigate the point of reaction within myself but instead turn to blame, and thus have not allowed myself to take responsibility and direct the point, but have accepted it as a "fact of life"

Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the point clearly within having a clear understanding if it is all in my head, as in self created or is does it have to do with the other as well, as them taking part within participating in abuse/attack, either way it must be stopped, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within being attacked repeatedly and thus have given up on a chance to actually enjoy myself as life, as I have accepted the experience of abuse as a way of living, not trusting myself to stand up for myself and to make sure I do not allow myself to experience any abuse wither through clearing my own back chat of the mind as the creator or wither changing/stopping the abusive relationship - either way I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take abuse as a way of life and thus not respect/honor myself as life that deserves to live free of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within believing myself to being attacked, to experience being attacked over and over, and within that to imprint the first experience of attack and in each time it happens again to accumulate it as another memory, bigger and bigger each time, to then, create an experience within myself as if I have been attacked repeatedly, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not only believe that I am being attacked by the words/tonality another is speaking, but to allow such an experience to repeat itself over and over within accepting myself as helpless to the situation and create myself as less than the situation and the other being, over and over, instead of changing myself within changing how I perceive the interaction within realizing that I am only "attacked" if I believe myself to be attacked through reacting to it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack myself within my mind over and over and create myself as the victim character while all along blaming the other for attacking me as the one that created the situation and is responsible for it, when in fact I have done it to myself within/as my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate the different experiences of being attacked as a big intense experience of being repeatedly attacked, and within that to react each time with grater energy, even though the actual "attack", or what I perceive to be an attack, is not grater each time, but because I haven't directed the situation effectively and have accepted it to continue I react to it more and more, and within accepting myself as the victim over and over, I then blame the other for victimizing me, instead of realizing that I am responsible for the whole entire accumulation of the situation through not directing it and accepting the mind to direct it as myself as a victim, and within that to hide my own creation through the construct of blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate experiences of being attacked, and form an experience within myself as being repeatedly attacked, thus living within/as the past as memory, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of stopping the mind and actually looking at the physical situation and thus directing the situation within breath, to create a coping mechanism that keeps me further from seeing what is actually here as the physical, as I distant myself from the situation by desensitizing myself to the attacks, thus what I am doing in fact is suppressing the experience through "zoning out", numbing myself to the situation, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to direct the point within stability, through communication, and instead to accept the situation as a given fact and to "deal" within through numbing myself as zoning out, thus accepting and allowing it to continue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within creating the experience of being repeatedly attacked to instead of actually facing the situation within common sense as looking at the physical reality of what is here and moving myself effectively within it, through investigating my reaction to see what are my buttons that are being pressed to then be able to through seeing them free myself from them, to instead distant/separate myself further from myself and further from self trust through creating another coping mechanism as "losing proportion of the situation" and not recognizing if what is being said is important or not, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when experiencing myself as repeatedly attacked to no longer see/recognize if the point at hand is referring to a big point or small point, and thus to not allow myself to be here in the situation and evaluate what is being said and to recognize if it is crucial/important as life threatening or a petty/unimportant correction that I can consider applying or not through applying common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in back chat, as reliving the experience of being attacked as a future projection for the next time, and thus planning out the situation within it's energetic state of blame/anger/spite, within this accepting it to continue instead of standing within/as myself and stopping myself, not allowing myself to indulge in back chat but willing myself to STOP

I see within accepting myself as being attacked repeatedly a point of not standing up and facing the other through direct communication due to fear of conflict, I use as justification that I am reacting and thus cannot stand in the face of the other, because I don't trust myself that I am seeing what I think I am seeing, in other words, when I experience myself being attacked by another and I react, I allow myself to doubt myself completely and only focus on my reaction instead of taking into consideration that through effective/direct communication I can support myself to understand the situation better, support myself to clear the reaction, and support the there through sharing my experience with them, to allow them to see themselves, if they are ready/willing to . So in a sense I have been accepting abuse, and taking shit from others because of fear of conflict, I will address this point blogs to follow

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attack, authority, behavior, belief, blame, critisizm, emotions, energy, enslaved, negative energy, perception, reaction, self responsibility, self trust, shame, slavery, superiority, suppression, takng things personally, tonality


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