Saturday, September 8, 2012

Day 24 – Cleaning table tops

Today, as everyday here at the desteni farm; we start off with some basic cleaning to have a nice environment to be in.

I was asked to clean the table tops, and when I was done we would look at the point and go over it with the rest of the group so everyone will be on the same page so to speak in regards to cleaning the table tops.

I was very happy about my task, it seemed easy enough, and I went on doing it, thinking to myself "I am so good at cleaning table tops" "I'll be the best at cleaning table tops" – why the hell did those thought come up? What are they showing me about myself?

So, after cleaning, we had a talk and apparently "table tops" is a not the accurate word for the task, in fact what needs to be cleaned is everything in the area that has a top, shelves, appliances, chairs, basically anything with a top that can get dusty.

Then my back chat was "oh shit, I didn't do a good job, I didn't clean all of that, I just did the table tops" and "oh shit, it's a big task to clean all of that".

So basically I went from superiority to inferiority in regards to the "table top" cleaning task. I see within this a point of comparison to others, competition, trying to be best at, wanting to define myself as good and better than others, on the other hand inferior to cleaning is a construct I am well familiar with, within believing I am not good at cleaning, and thus when the table top task grew I went into a fear/worry/inferiority of will I be able to handle it and do it well. Within this whole point I see that I desire to please the people here, I want them to see I am good and capable, I want to be accepted. Another point is my resistance of being a beginner, I mean, I judged myself for not knowing exactly how to clean while it was my first time and still no one had told me how it's done, and even now that I know, I might have a  learning scale of first struggling and then getting the hang of it after applying the task for a bit, yet, the experience is that I should know now and be able to do everything now, not realizing the actual physical process one must walk to learn a task and get comfortable within it.

In regards to cleaning, I have always been separating myself from cleaning and because of not wanting to see myself as a beginner and actually take the time to learn the task I used not knowing how to clean as my excuse to remain inferior to cleaning and excuse myself from doing a good job because "I don't know how to clean, since I never learnt"

Self-Forgiveness on my relationship with cleaning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the task of cleaning through defining myself as not capable of cleaning, and thus instead of allowing myself to learn it as one would learn any task, I have hidden behind the self-belief of not being capable to do it within believing it isn't in my ability to learn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not capable of cleaning well, and in order to maintain this self-belief I have never allowed myself to go through the practical steps of learning to clean effectively and thus creating a reoccurring experience of not knowing how/what to do when faced with the task of cleaning, instead of once and for all taking responsibility for this point within realizing I am not inferior to cleaning and allowing myself to learn the task of cleaning within realizing that it will take time and practice until I am comfortable within it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for not showing me how to clean by example and thus using her as an excuse and self-justification as to why I do not know how to clean, instead of standing within the self-responsibility and teaching myself the task once I realized knowing how to clean is an effective and practical tool and ability to have in this world as having a clean and comfortable environment is a point of self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define cleaning as hard, boring and unpleasant and thus be comfortable within the self-belief of not knowing how to clean because I have used it as an excuse to get out of doing the dirty work in regards to cleaning, not realizing that without investigating the task of cleaning for myself, I have defined it as hard and unpleasant through the eyes/experiences/expressions of others and thus allowed myself to be directed in this world through the experience and perspectives of others instead of allowing myself to live the task as myself and for myself regardless of what it seems to be in the eye of others, and finding out for myself what it really is in fact.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of cleaning not being a pleasant task as an excuse to not want to do it, not realizing that the cleaning is an act of self support and isn't done for mere entertainment, and thus regardless of whether I find the task to be enjoyable or not I need to decide for myself within self-direction within self-honesty if I am required to clean or not, within realizing it has nothing to do with the enjoinment I would get out of the task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want to participate in tasks that I find enjoyable, even though within taking self-responsibility within self-honesty I realize that some tasks require to be done regardless of their level of enjoyment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy cleaning within the idea that it is an unpleasant task, not realizing that any task would be pleasant or not only dependent on who I am within doing it, and thus it is up to me to enjoy myself within and as any task regardless of the task at hand.

Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to investigating the self-beliefs I have allowed myself to live and exist as within realizing that any self-belief is of the mind and is a point of accepted limitation, thus, within this I commit myself to allow myself to expand myself within my application through learning new tasks that come my way, not allowing myself to believe the thoughts in my mind telling me I am incapable of doing it, but rather look at it from a practical physical perspective of whether or not I am really capable and able to do the task at hand.

I commit myself to go through the practical steps of learning the task of cleaning within realizing that learning any task takes time and practice and thus I commit to not judge myself within the process of learning how to clean and allow myself to be humble within the learning experience and allow myself to ask those around me and look at their application as I learn and teach myself any new task.

I commit myself to take full responsibility for myself and stopping any blame towards my mother in regards to her not teaching me well enough, I realize that blaming her is a construct I have created within/as myself to not take responsibility for the task at hand, and within that I realize that by stating she should have taught me I am actually implying that I do in fact have the ability to learn and thus, instead of living in the past within the idea that I should have learnt it as a child through watching my mother I commit to learn it now as an adult and stopping the blame within breath as I realize it is a manipulation to not take self-responsibility.

I commit myself to investigating cleaning for/as myself within finding out for myself who I am within the task of cleaning and allowing myself to break through the idea that cleaning is unpleasant through realizing that it is what I make of it through who I am within it, thus I commit myself to stopping myself as the beliefs and ideas I have collected from my environment and to find out for/as myself who I am within it, and through this to change myself accordingly to become an effective and self-supportive and self-responsible human being.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as the excuse of not wanting to do something because of the idea/belief it isn't a pleasant/enjoyable task, and instead to apply myself within practicality and do what needs to be as what is best for all, within this I commit myself to investigating the idea/belief of a task being unpleasant and allow myself to change myself within the task as I realize that my experience of a task is up to me and who I am within applying myself and is not actually dependent on the task at hand

In my next blogs I will investigate some more points that came up within the "table top" scenario


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