Thursday, September 13, 2012

Day 29 – Weakness

Continuing from my previous blogs: 

Here I will investigate how I have defined myself as the character of weak/fragile/powerless within investigating the definition, relationship and the energetic charge I have towards these words, and the polarity of these words, all this in order to see what I am allowing within/as myself as participating and being directed by the character definitions that I believe to be me.

What characteristics do I associate with weakness?
skinny, sluggish, hunched, no eye contact, feminine, soft/low voice, unstable,

Within my definition of the weak character, people will find ways, through manipulation, to get things done for them, other people will feel sorry for them and help them out, so it's a point of being helpless, or not taking self-responsibility as equals but rather impose on others ones responsibilities 

When do I go into the weak character?
When I experience myself not wanting to do something, but do it anyway, I can become sluggish and drop my shoulders and express myself physically as weak, like I am this poor being having to burden myself with something I don't desire to be bothered with.

Also when I do something that I define as inferior, so I will do it, to avoid conflict, but I will experience myself as weaker than the situation, like I'm trapped in the situation/task and I have to do it quietly

Another point is when I am asked to do something but do it because I feel like I "have to" or "should" or just within a desire to please another, rather than actually doing it within self-directed decision.

And the last point is when I believe I am incapable of completing the task, in other words, when I am experiencing myself as inferior to the task, then I go into the weak character, like giving up before even starting, like paving the path towards my failure due to believing I cannot make it, and thus I believe myself to be weak and act within the weak character to justify and prove to myself that I am right to believe myself to be incapable.

What is my relationship with people I perceive are weak through judging them based on their physical/behavioral expression?

I will look down upon those that express themselves as weak within the assumption that they are in fact weak as the expression of who they are and I therefore perceive myself to be more powerful than them.

When I judge someone as weak I am rejected/repelled by it, I won't value the person, I will judge and blame them for not standing up, for whining, for complaining, for asking for mercy, I will not appreciate them, I will see myself as more than them, I will take comfort in having someone to compare myself to and be better than, I will enjoy their weakness because it makes me feel powerful for a change, as a moment of pleasure/satisfaction within a life time of feeling weak myself.

I see within this point that instead of stopping the cycle, I will participate in it, I will enjoy the moments I am on top to cover up the many moments I am on bottom, I will justify the cycle in hope of being on top one more time, I will suppress the pain and self-abuse through feeling weak and incompetent, just to feel one more time myself on top, myself as powerful, instead of stopping the cycle of polarity of weak/power, instead of realizing that I have been disregarding my actual power the whole time and hoping/waiting for a sense of power through the power created as an illusion of/within my mind. Instead of realizing that I have become addicted to the power of the mind to such an extent that I cannot see the power of self as life.

Another point I see within this is the following, In my mind, 'Power' is connected to men/masculine and 'weakness' is connected to women/feminine.

All my life I have felt too masculine and not enough feminine, I was a strong kid, I liked to play ball with the boys, I didn't like make up or shopping, I always saw myself as overweight and didn't consider myself being a good looking girl, I never felt attractive to men.

Within this I see that I made a decision to be weak within a belief that this will make me more feminine, becoming weak, resenting myself as weak as a way to connect to myself as a woman, and to be able to connect to men as a woman, thus as weak.

The point of man/woman was dominant throughout my life because I never felt like I fit in from that perspective, for instance, I was never one of the guys and never wanted to be one of the girls (well, a few years ago this has changed a bit and since then I enjoy 'girl time', but this only happened after years of resisting girls), so I never felt like one of the guys because I was a girl, but I never felt like a girl because I wasn't connected to myself as woman, whatever the hell that even means.

Another point it came up is that I studies physics both in school and uni, and there were not many girls studying with me, and the teachers and the guys from class they all gave me the impression that they were impressed that I'm even there, studying physics – why is it impressive that I'm doing it and not that 'one of the guys' is doing it? It can only be because I'm a woman. I would get "special" attention from the perspective of them not expecting much from me and being surprised when I did well, but not surprised when I had difficulty and expressed misunderstandings.

So, being weak, expressing myself as weak, asking for help from a helpless starting point… all has been a way to connect to my femininity, to feel like through this I am more woman, through this I was able to approach men and ask them for help and express how weak and helpless I am, because I didn't know how to approach them from an equal starting point, because I believed it would be seen as masculine and thus would not serve my best interest.

As time went by I have accepted this character as myself, forgetting that I created it and for what reason. I realize now how unsupportive this character is because it basically allows me to diminish myself and not show/express my worth/value even to myself, and throughout the years I have lost contact with my own self value, my value as a living being, my value as self-expression. All I know now is I am afraid to lose the only aspect of me that I consider to be feminine, what will I be without it?

What's interesting is that I see weak as feminine, but I don't consider woman to be weak, I see woman around me and they are so powerful and yet so feminine, so I know it isn't a contradiction when looking at it within common sense, but the experience within/as me as I am typing is like a sadness/fear of having to let go of this weakness character within the connection to it being my femininity. Another point of sadness is the realization that I have been lying to myself all these years, suppressing myself, not accepting myself, hiding myself to fit in to a definition that I created and accepted as reality, even though it was self-abusive and harmful.

Another point I see within the weak character is a point of placing myself as weak through competition/comparison with other, when I don't want to be the winner, because I fear they will handle it badly, so I would act/place myself as weak/less than so that the other can win, not realizing that the competition was only created in my mind, and the actual supportive thing to do would have been to stop the competition within me, within realizing that I and the other are not actually being judged and valued by no one but myself as the mind, and thus not to place myself as a loser to defend the idea I have of the other being too weak to take it, within projecting the weakness back and forth to not be able to see its origin.  

i will continue in tomorrow's blog with self forgiveness


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