Day 220 – I should have

I just had a conversation with someone and they pointed out that I use the word “should” rather often, that I am stating towards myself that I “should” this and “should” that – and they mentioned that it is not a supportive form of self expression. After my initial resistance and reaction of justifying that it is as a legitimate form of self expression and self communication as any other, I want ahead and took a deeper look at the point.

I have noticed a tendency that I have been participating within, where I express myself in form of “should”, where I tell myself what I “should” be doing and who I “should” have become by now…  This self talk has not been empowering but rather has a self defeating aspect to it, where I put myself down and beat myself up by telling myself how much better I should have been by now – doing so within the experience and expression towards myself that I am a failure for not achieving that which I “should” have achieved by now.

Now that I am exploring this point of expression of “I should have” and shedding some light on the matter, what I am seeing is that there are two ways to use that expression– one as an expression of self support and one as self sabotage – it all depends on the starting point, the experience, and the actions that follow.

An example to how I have been using the “I should have” as self sabotage is expressed in my previous blog, where, for example, I have a tendency to compare myself to others that have walked their process a similar amount of time and thus I use that comparison to state towards myself in self judgment that I should have been able to be as effective as they are within my stand, I use the facts against me, I interpret them in a way that does not encourage me to grow/expand but rather I use it as justification to quit or to avoid that which will support me in walking towards my goal of, for example, greater effectiveness and clarity – in this example it is clear that I am using the “I should have” as a form of comparison and belittling. Imagine for a moment a situation when a parent would compare their child to their friend that got a better grade and would tell them something like this: “Why can’t you be more like X, he got an A, you should have gotten an A as well, you have the same teacher, you go to the same class, why can’t you be more like them, they must simply be better than you, maybe you should even stop trying because apparently you are a loser…”

This type of communication, whether expressed towards others or towards self is obviously not supportive nor does it encourage growth, and at the same time it does not offer any support or solutions in order to reach the goal and achieve the point of comparison. This form of “I should have” is thus a form of self sabotage. I must admit that I am guilty as charged… as this is the main form of “I should have” that I have been participating within.

But, as I have mentioned above, I am finding that there is another way to use this expression of “I should have” from within a starting point of self support, or at the very least to use this expression as a tool for self support, as a flag point, until the point is transcended. Here is what I have found.

The supportive form of using the expression of “I should have” would be done from a starting point and intention of learning and growth – in such a situation one would use comparison as a tool to see what ones potential might be if one were to apply oneself effectively, in the example of the parents and the child it would look something like this: “look, if X is getting A’s all it means is that it can be done, you go to same class and have the same teacher as X, which means you should be able to get an A as well – let’s see together what we can do to figure out why you are not reaching your potential and how we can help you in being the best that you can be, not within the intention of you being as good as X is, because it is not about them, it is about you and how we can help you reach your potential - so you are living the best version of yourself, lets learn from X and see what they are doing to succeed…”

The point here is that we can use the comparison to indicate there is a challenge that we want to put our attention on, and then we use the comparison for self growth rather than for self sabotage and judgment and belittlement. So by saying ”I should be able to do/be this or that, because I see X is doing it, or because I have an idea of the level of accomplishment that I can reach” can simply be an indication of ones unreached potential from a starting point of encouragement rather than belittlement, a starting point of self motivation for growth and expansion as an opportunity to push oneself to walk through all perceived limitations and actually achieve that which might seem as impossible.

By looking at those around us that are walking a similar path and comparing ourselves to them within a starting point of self support we can then learn from their example, we can investigate their habits, we can observe their application, we can perhaps communicate with them directly and ask about their struggles and challenges and get insight as to how they overcame them – both to get practical ideas from those who have walked the path before us, and also because in many cases we create ideas about others, not realizing the time and effort they had actually put in to their success, making it seem to an outside observer that it is so easy for them, while in fact they have gone through a process to reach the level of success that we are admiring.

The word “should” can thus live as a reminder for that – so, from now on, I commit myself to whenever I catch myself using the word “should” within the phrase “I should have”, to check my starting point and see if I am in self sabotage or self support and to realign myself if necessary – within this, I commit myself to changing my relationship towards the word “should”, from seeing it as a negative word and turning it into a supportive tool, as a flag point of support, reminding me to check and change my starting point if I see necessary, as well as to allow myself to see that which I am reaching for, the goal that I believe I should have reached, and to find practical ways to move myself towards that goal, within braking through the perceived limitation that is hiding behind the statement of “I should” as if to say “I should but I can’t” thus to change it to “if I should be doing that, then I can do it, then I will do it, let me find the way to get there”.

I see more points opening up within me in relation to this point – thus I will continue on this point in my next post.

Day 219 – The spark of life

It’s been about a year since my last blog, I did actually write one after Bernard passed, but didn’t push myself to make it into a renewed habit – so here I am on day 219.

I am learning to appreciate the concept of counting our blogs as days, marking the accumulation of our physical walk, as the writing we post each day, and not allowing us to believe that the accumulation of time is an indication of self movement, which is what I have been experiencing believing – my experience was that I have been walking for about 5 years and I have been holding on to this sense of self that I “should” be at some level of awareness because I have been walking for so long, and I have compared myself to others who have walked for as long as I have, seeing their progress, seeing their effectiveness and believing that I should have been at their level because I have been walking about the same time.

Within this I have not taken into consideration the actual reality of the situation (and this is where our mind is so tricky - always noticing that which will cause turmoil and inner conflict and friction) what I didn’t consider is the consistency of my application, because I have not actually been walking for 5 years, I have been walking the accumulation of the moments that I have made a deliberate decision to walk, to be here, to choose self honesty, to choose breath, to choose self support. And as the days of my blogs state, just as one form of activity that can be measured, I have not been walking daily for 5 years - in the past two years, looking at my blogs, I have walked daily for 7 months in accumulation of this specific type of actual physical activity – now, this is not to say that one is measured by their blogs, no, what I mean to point out here, especially to myself, is that it is pointless to judge myself according to an idea that I should be at some level, based on an ineffective tool of measurement such as linear time, when in fact the accumulation of my application is not based on time moving forward, but on me actually applying myself.

It is not time that will change me. It is me that must change myself.

So, here I am again, making the commitment to stop judging myself in comparison to others that have walk more consistently and more effectively than myself, but to learn from them, to inspire myself to realize that I too can make the decision and actually walk it.

Right before starting this blog I found an old blog I had written, some years ago, and I was amazed at how many of the points are the same, it was frustrating and almost humiliating to see that I have not moved, but at the same time that is what made me see once again the foolishness of this self judgment, so I am grateful for that, as here I am, writing (yey) – the point is that if I don’t walk the walk, how can I expect myself to change – by doing so I am just forming a self sabotaging loop, where I am both not walking and on top of that also judging myself for not changing – allowing myself to exist in that polarity which will get me nowhere but further down the depths of my mind.

What I did see through reading that blog and now, within the process of writing this one is that even though I am still walking the same points, what is clear is that both then and now I have a spark of awareness within me, that point within me that does want to self realize, to expand, to unleash and be free, to overcome the limited existence I have allowed myself and to live up to my true potential – this point of awareness is here with me, as me, now, as much as it was then, so what I see and realize is that this spark is not letting go, it is here to stay - that gives me a sense of relief, realizing that this spark within me that wants to live, is not going away. Within this I also realize my responsibility of nurturing that spark and allowing it to grow and expand within me, as me.

Day 218 - Waiting for Superman - Double Standards

 

I just read the blog Self-knowledge is the only basis of true knowledge - Day 415 and I would like to add to that perspective. 

I have also watched the documentary Waiting for Superman as well as the follow up The Inconvenient Truth Behind Waiting for Superman - and noticed another interesting point as to how to investigate the information being shared instead of eating it up blindly.

What I noticed within the first documentary is that they were essentially blaming the teachers and the tenure system as the cause for all problems in the education system, and thus, they bring a solution in form of charter schools which provide the best teachers for the best student experience. What I found peculiar is the double standard it represents. Have a look, they were sharing their approach with students, and how, with the right tools and support each student can be the best, which I agree with, and that the failure of students within the public system does not indicate the lack of the student but rather their failure is indicating and pointing towards a bigger problem in the schooling system - but here comes the double standard – if this is true for students, wouldn’t it be just as true for teachers?

Is it not true that if we realize that by giving each child the support they need to become the best that they can be each child can excel, and thus, if students are failing we must realize there is a problem in the education system instead of placing the responsibility solely on the students, wouldn’t  the same common sense be applied with teachers, where if we see teachers that are disengaged and don’t do their best, teachers that have given up on education and just sit around waiting for the day to go by, not giving their students all that they need, wouldn’t that indicate that those teachers have been failed by the system?

The documentary blamed the teachers for being the problem in education, not realizing the bigger picture that bad teachers are showing us, as a symptom, a greater problem of the entire education system in its totality.

They bring up the problem of tenure, and expressing it to be the reason why teachers don’t care – but who of us wants to be doing something we don’t care about, wouldn’t all of us prefer to apply ourselves in our chosen profession and do our best, knowing that we are supported and encouraged to be the best that we can be?

The point of tenure is in a way a fantastic system of protection, in a world where people lose their jobs left and right, what would the teachers focus on if they were threatened daily that if they do not perform they would lose their job, what would their starting point of teaching be? not the children, but rather their own self interest, survival and fear – how would that solution create a better education system? This point obviously brings up once again the greater picture of the economic system, where people are not looked after within the system but rather are treated merely as a human resource, that can be disregarded and replaced when the new and improved model comes in, this is true not only in education, but in all fields, and thus, within this economic system where we use and treat people as commodities, we are setting the ground for indifference and disregard towards others, while enhancing self interest and personal gain at all costs, in spite of the consequences we bring to those around us.

So, here, im not saying that there are no problems with the tenure system, we can plainly see that it has been used to manipulate the system for interests and power rather than being a force that ensures that the education system as a whole will always be in the benefit of all children. But here again we must not forget to look at the greater system in which we all live in, and have accepted as such.

They show in the documentary the approach schools take to handle these bad tenure teachers where they just rotate them from one school to another instead of finding solutions to support them to become the best they can be, it is almost like the system doesn’t want to support them in bettering themselves, the system has given up on them, just as they have given up on children, just as children that have given up on learning and on themselves.

It’s all the same, as above so below – and the solution must be found for all levels of the problem, isolating the problem within the realm of the students will inevitably target the teachers as the problem, but that would be looking at it through tunnel vision rather than actually investigating the problem and situation in all its dimensions and finding an actual solution that will stand the test of time and that will support all individuals involved. 

Bottom line, when inequality and double standards are being presented, there is always more to the story that is not being shared, and in most cases this is done within hidden interests in order to gain power and money through the control of public opinion. And thus one must take responsibility and practice critical reasoning, and to deliberately look for the double standards within the information that is being presented, and not to watch / hear the information passively, one must question and investigate in order to ensure that the information is aligned with reality and not promoting a one sided interest, otherwise we will always remain as commodities, as tools in the game in which others are playing, and powerless to influence or change.

Walking Slow and Steady - Thank You Bernard

Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!

As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him.

So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer - To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind – I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this before his death.

Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return, and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point / opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously, so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking, then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath by breath until it’s done.

He told me so many time that all I must do is make a decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder, because each time I have developed another layer of memories  and experiences proving to myself that I cannot make the decision to change nor  walk the living example of equality, and like Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as myself.

Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see through his words the truth of me.

Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear, because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions, judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that  with Bernard it, the reflection of myself, was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him, hiding was never an option.

There is an interesting point here because its not like he put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was never him – it was always and is always me.

So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his example?

I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are so many other little points of insight.

He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death?

Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?

I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit myself to myself as life.