day 5 - leaving my job

I have been suppressing myself as what emotions/reactions/feelings have been coming up due to my leaving my job and the kids I work with. Many points in my life are coming to an end, both my jobs and studies are coming to an end, I have decided to leave my apartment and sell my car so I have nothing “tying me down” here for the time I visit the farm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed things as having a job/being signed up for school/having a car direct me and my actions/decisions, thus being dependant on circumstances, instead of allowing myself to within self trust reassess any situation in the moment and find the action that is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my decisions on what responsibilities I have through experiencing myself as trapped within these responsibilities, not realizing that any assignments/responsibility I take on is a day by day choice and not in fact an obligation, it is an opportunity to face myself within the resistance to completing it and within the changes I am walking through to be able to let it go. The point is that I am not in fact trapped to my responsibilities, the point is to realize that wither I chose to complete/follow through the responsibility or not is all about the starting point of the choice in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to open a back door within the justification that “I can chose to give up my responsibilities”, I realize the self responsibility and self honesty required for making any decision whether it is to continue or stop what was originally planed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for leaving the kids I work with

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to face myself as being sad and instead trying to act cool and indifferent as if I am not moved by this farewell

I forgive myself for judging myself for what I feel instead of allowing myself to investigate why/when I react within this emotion and how I allow it to direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience emotional reactions towards the thoughts in my mind “was I meaningful to them? What will be of them without me? Who will protect/save them?”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as successful or not according to the outcome of how they behaved and within that trying to asses myself and grade myself as how good/bad I was, while doing so I become sad to leave because I do not want to face the points I was “bad” in, because I see them as bad and not as points I can learn from and improve in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief I can be bad in what I do, judging what I do as good/bad while giving it an emotional baggage and not looking at it within the simple practicality of a point I have not mastered yet and still have lots to learn/research/improve in regards to that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within feeling/judging that I am bad in something I am separating myself from it and seeing myself as inferior to it, instead of realizing I can equalize myself to it by allowing myself to be humble while learning/researching/improving within it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear these points being exposed in form of criticism as I leave the kids, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear of being faced with these points by external  blame/criticism.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself to be humble within learning to correct myself and improve myself through finding practical methods to deal with some situations but rather I have allowed myself to hide my difficulties and not face them within self correction thus not allowing myself to learn from them and equalize myself to them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when being criticized and blamed about my work and relationship with the kids

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wish to leave within the idea bubble that I was perfect and within that not allowing myself to hear that there were points that I can learn from and correct myself as.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as special/good for how I worked with the kids and within that I have allowed myself to place myself as superior than the replacement to come, within giving myself a good feeling for being better/more loved then the next one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the self belief I am better than another, instead of stopping comparison as a mind component and not allowing myself to participate as positive energy within such polarity.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that feeling sad is related to the fear of “what if I am not special”, “what if I am forgotten”, “what if the next counselor is that much better/loved than me”. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad in relation to losing the desire of being special/best within comparison to the others that will come after me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad based on fear of being forgotten, and within the belief that if I participate in sadness I am proving to myself that the time/effort I spent here was worth while

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on the desire/expectation of being good/best/special and thus fear having this desire crushed by realizing this not to be so through leaving and having someone actually replace me and everything goes on ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within wanting to be special/best I am actually hoping for the next counselor to be bad/inadequate which is not what is best for the children as they deserve to have someone good/supportive to be there for them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my ego as the desire to be special/best direct me within the undertone of the desire of wanting the next counselor to be bad, not taking the children’s best interest into account but only my desire as ego

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place my self-interest before the interest of the children and within that hope they have someone inadequate so that I can feel good about myself and maintain the belief I am special/best