Day 213 - Fear of people – Fear of phone calls

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist making phone calls

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of myself not wanting to make phone calls as child

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make phone calls freely, but instead I go into an experience and expression of anxiety and cannot make the phone call with ease

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that making a phone call is in any way scary, not allowing myself to see the practicality of the situation as how safe it is since I am "protected" by the distance created by the technology of the phone, and so, in no way am I ever in direct danger while on the phone and thus the fear and resistance towards making phone calls is obviously irrational

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the irrational thoughts in my head that create the fear of making phone calls and thus, within following these thoughts I have allowed myself to limit and restrict myself from making  phone calls freely and with ease irrational

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make phone calls freely and with ease and instead I have created this fear and resistance around making calls and so I unnecessarily place myself in an experience of anxiety thus, through participating in the irrational thoughts of fear towards making phone calls I am creating inner energetic conflict and turmoil, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am doing this within the addiction to energy and not because there is any common sense in the fear of making phone calls

 

I realize that the fear of making phone calls is a manipulation of my mind to create energy as the inner conflict that arise within me through wanting to make a phone call but then resisting it due to fear and so I realize that this fear is not serving nor protecting me but instead it is limiting me from expressing myself freely and effectively, thus, when and as I see myself go into the fear or resistance of making a phone call I stop myself and breathe, I take some deep breaths and remind myself there is nothing to fear, I am perfectly safe on this side of the phone.

 

Within this I allow myself to look at the specific fears that come up and reassure myself that they are fictions of my imagination through the illusions of the mind and do not bare any truth as within the physical reality

 

and so, I commit myself, when facing the fear of making a phone call, to forgive myself in that very moment and within breath, to pick up the phone and make the call, thus proving to myself that I am self directed and am not directed by the mind as thoughts, fears and self limitations. Within this I commit myself to investigate the points of fear and within self forgiveness to clear myself from all and any points that do not in fact support me as life and instead sabotage me from expressing myself fully and living my true potential .

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making phone calls because I imagine in my mind the scenario of not getting across and having communication problems and in the end being rejected, and so, to prevent this imaginary imagination I will avoid making the phone call, not realizing and seeing the physical truth that if I don't allow myself to make phone calls in fear of hearing a possible no, I am actually preventing myself from hearing the yes, and so instead of supporting me in preparing myself better I am actually sabotaging myself from ever getting closer to that which I want, thus I realize, see and understand that by preventing myself from being rejected, within the belief that I am protecting myself, I am in fact harming myself and preventing myself from achieving anything substantial, thus, I realize that when and as I need to make a phone call and I see the fear of calling come up, and the back chat / thoughts as all the reasons and excuses why I should avoid making the call, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body, to the physical reality and see what is practical and within this I see that making the phone call and facing the possible rejection is the only way I can get closer to achieving my goals, while not making the phone call in fear is a certainty to a life of regret.

 

So the choice is clear, there really isn't any choice, within self support I must make the phone call, within self honesty I can only choose self honesty, and thus, I cannot allow myself to be directed by the fear any longer, I commit myself to when facing such points of fear, to stop and breathe, to prepare myself to the best of my ability within realizing that only practical application will perfect me, and so I cannot be as good as I want to be in my mind without walking the physical steps as actually doing it practically in the physical and through practice to improve and prefect my performance.

Day 212 - Fear of people – Voices in my head

Before I'm about to participate in some form of human interaction, or even when I'm just at the stage of thinking about doing something, the back chat comes up and "takes over me", I start hearing this voice in my head or seeing images as scenarios, telling me and showing me what can go wrong and how uncomfortable I will feel, and in most cases I believe the voices and images as the truth, as a representative of a rational reality and thus, I will change my plans accordingly, to suit the hallucinations in my head.

 

I realize that the voice and images are not an actual reflection of any rational reality but only of my fears and insecurities, and I realize that each time that I allow myself to follow them and change my self expression to accommodate to my fears I am giving them more power over me and am thus giving my power away, and so I grow weaker and weaker with every though / voice / image that I believe and follow.

 

I wanted to go rock climbing but have no one to go with, so the images were of me in that big room, climbing by myself, alone, this image connected to a feeling of rejection and of not belonging, like if I go alone it would be a test of whether I can make friends or not, like if I were to stay alone for the entire time that would mean that I have failed and if I end up knowing some new people I have succeeded - writing it out now, the funny this is that there are so many advantages of doing things alone, but because I have attached a negative emotional and association to it I avoid it.

 

I've had some times in my life where I allowed myself to do things alone and I found that I am much more with myself when I am not busy with others as entertainment, and so, even though I have proven to myself many times that doing things alone is awesome I still have allowed myself to exist in fear towards it, within an idea that it will reflect my poor ability and skills of interacting with people.

 

Another point here is that within participating in this fear of being rejected by people because I believe I do not know how to interact with them, and thus my being alone is proof of my failure and inadequacy - I cause myself to feel so uncomfortable, like I'm being tested, because I am testing myself, and then I don't allow myself to simply be in the moment in breath, but I try too hard, try to achieve something, to get a smile, or some form of recognition, to prove to myself that the people around me are noticing me as a positive being and not ignoring me as I don't exist or matter.

 

Here, this brings up the point of requiring some form of external feedback to recognize myself, as I have separated myself from myself to such an extent that I can only see my existence and hereness through the recognition of others.

Oh man…

 

I see this and I am appalled at how I have allowed myself to live and exist, how we as society have accepted and allowed this behavior as a total dependency and complete disregard of self.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the voices and the images in my head, and allow myself to follow them as the god of me without seeing and realizing that they are based only on fear and insecurity and not on common sense and the physical reality as what is really here

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect emotions to words and thus fear living them, as I have separated myself from words that I fear and within accepting this fear towards the words such as the word alone as an example, I have allowed myself to avoid these words as avoid living them as myself and thus allowing myself to be directed by the thoughts and fear of this word, instead of seeing the word for what it is and living it as allowing myself to express myself without fearing this word

Alone, rejection, friendly, belonging, left out

 

These are some of the words that come to me as I'm writing, as words that I have attached positive and negative energies to and thus desire to experience some and fear experiencing the others - all these words represents ideas I have created about myself and about relationships, and about morality and what is good and bad. But non of that is true, and non of that is actually decided by myself, it has all been programmed into me by myself through my acceptance through learning from my society, and thus, reliving the same construct - nothing new under the sun

 

I realize that when back chat and images come up within me as a reflection of some fear, I have a responsibility and an opportunity to stop myself and breathe, and to then investigate the words that I have attached the values and energies to, and to allow myself to clear myself form the energetic attachment I have placed on the words and to then allow myself to redefine them within the principle of equality as what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to when thoughts and back chat about fear of being alone come up within me, I stop and breathe, I look at the point as the natural self expression that I am limiting myself from, and I allow my self to within letting go the fear of the word alone, to consider all points available to me and make a clear decision within self honesty, as to what to participate with and what not. Thus, not to "do everything that I fear" blindly, but not allow myself to shy away from my own self expression due to fear

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the fear of people that I have is not actually a fear of people but a fear of myself as the experience of alone and rejection and the experience of me being tested, these are all done by me alone within and as my participation with my mind, and thus, I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that I do not fear people, but I fear my own reactions to my surroundings, and I have just beem blaming people on my reactions to them instead of taking full responsibility and seeing that it is not them, but it is me that is doing it to myself.

Day 211 - Fear of people - Part 2

I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to go into fear when thinking about and planning meeting new people

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine in my mind the scenario of meeting and talking to new people and then to go into fear when I compare my idea of how reality will be to the imagined scenario

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought that in my mind I always have the right and effective response and comeback but in reality I stutter and loose my words and freeze

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the scenario in my mind, not realizing that I am by doing so, creating a polarity between how I am in my mind and how I am in reality, as in reality things are not as smooth as in the mind, and so, instead of supporting myself through this imagination I am actually sabotaging myself in comparing myself in reality to myself in the mind, and knowing that I can never live up to this comparison

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that feeling comfortable with people and talking to new people with ease will come with practice in the physical reality and not through participating in mind imaginations as what that causes is for me to try and recreate in reality that which I have practiced in my mind, and thus not allowing myself to be here and present within the interaction and conversation, and so again, the imagination is in fact sabotaging me and not supporting me in becoming a better communicator

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I wait and postpone interacting with people the harder it gets from the perspective of the mind will believe it is harder, and in fact, the sooner I do it the sooner I will be comfortable with doing it, and so once again showing me that all the mind wants is not to support me in becoming effective and fulfilled but rather to limit me and maintain the fear as the self belief of who I am.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I know myself to be as fear of people, instead of allowing myself, within realizing that this fear and avoidance is just making my life harder and myself less effective human being, to walk through this fear, and face it head on, and not shy away from it until I have overcome it, until I am not afraid of the fear itself any more and can move and direct myself in any way or direction that is what is most beneficial in each moment

 

I realize that the fear of people is maintained through my participation with it, and so, when and as I see myself participating in fear of people, I stop myself and breathe, and I push myself to act despite my fear, and to push myself to face my fear and not run away from it, until I have done it so many times that I have proven to myself through my physical application that this fear is not relevant nor supporting me in any way

realize that there have been so many situations in my life where I wanted to do something, as tonight I wanted to go dancing, but then the fear of people comes up and prevents me from going out and exploring and expressing myself, and actually limits me and refines me into a small box as my reality, within this, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself preventing myself from going out and enjoying myself and expressing myself because of the back chat of fear of people, I stop myself and breathe!!  - And I push myself to deliberately do that which I fear, (within obviously considering the practicality of the point and not in any way put myself in actual danger just to prove myself a point) - and so, I commit myself to when avoiding a situation due to thoughts as back chat of fear of people, I stand up within myself and get up and move to that point which I fear - within this, I commit myself to then investigate the situation, the fear and the physical outcome - within this, I realize that by standing up and walking through my fear it is not promised that the outcome will be what I want, in other words, I realize that I will experience that which I fear most as for instance rejection, and so, I realize that the outcome of me going out and not preventing myself from expressing myself due to fear of people, is not the point as the outcome can go either way, and so, I commit myself to not judge myself and the situation according to the outcome, and so not open that back door as to tell myself that "I've tried and it just doesn't work" but instead to realize that it's not about succeeding in anything it's about allowing myself to live fully and not limit myself due to a fear of people that has been directing me throughout my life.

Day 210 - Avoiding human interaction - Fear of people

I started a new type of job and it requires me to push through and walk beyond my comfort zone, I have to approach people, call people, talk to people, and sell to people - when I was a child I wouldn't even like going up to the bagel stand and buy a bagel - I would ask the grown ups to do it for me, I didn't like phoning my friend's home (back in the day before everybody had their own private line or cell phone) because I didn't want their parents to pick up and talk to me, I hid through out my entire bat miztva party so I wouldn't have to talk to my relatives, and the list of situations where I avoided interaction with people goes on and on - and now I am walking into a line of work that is 100% people oriented…

 

So, why did I fear people so much? Well, there was "what if I don't speak clearly and they don't understand what I'm saying" (specifically in the states where I was self conscious about my Israeli accent), "what if they ask me something and I don't understand or hear the question and I have to have them ask or explain it again and it becomes an awkward moment", "what if they ask me how I am doing and I don't know what to answer" - I always had this idea about myself that I don't know how to hold a "small-talk" conversation, that I'm not good with the chit chat, that other people seem to do so naturally, I always felt awkward, I never like those awkward moments when no one is speaking and I feel like it's my responsibility to direct the conversation but I don't have anything substantial to say. This point is interesting because I'm been living and expressing myself as a character that is very friendly and outspoken, and I give an impression as if I am confidant and comfortable around people, but I have always been very self conscious and uncomfortable.

 

There is one specific memory I have, I was about 5 years old and I'm walking by a group of people, they are sitting on their porch and I remember I was worried about them watching me, so I walked by and had my head facing the ground but my eyes were turned towards them, looking at them, checking to see if they are looking at me - years later I've seen kids doing the same thing and it's hilarious because all I wanted was to be invisible, I didn't want to be seen or looked at, and then I go ahead and walk in such an obvious way, which draws that much more attention… lol…

 

I've spent so much time and energy worrying about what other people will think of me, allowing this to limit me into a freeze where I don't want to do or say anything is fear of the interaction, fear of messing up, making a fool out of myself, being seen as a joke, humiliating myself, and so on.

 

I've learnt to deal with this construct but I is very much still alive and kicking within me, still wanting to be validated and approved, still feeling awkward speaking to people that I am intimidated by, still get intimidated by people that for some reason I have defined as superior in some way, or myself, in relation to them, as inferior.

 

So I'm now facing this journey, and this job is a great opportunity to walk through these points, it's kind of like a big practice field, where I get to push myself again and again and again to face these inner demons as these fears that I have allowed myself to be directed by and that I have allowed to control my life.

 

I'll open this point up further with self forgiveness, to prepare me for the coming week, and I'll come back to this point as I walk it and as points come up. Already just by starting writing about it all these memories came up , so there is plenty of work to do here in clearing myself and allowing myself to change out of this character that I have lived throughout my life, as it has not been supportive, nor effective at all, and it's about time to let it go and "grow up" as I nurture myself and grow upwards into and as myself, as to live and express the full potential of myself that I have not been allowing myself to live and exist as because I have been allowing myself to diminish myself in fears as self limitation.

Day 209 - Speaking the information instead of living as example

I've noticed that most people that I talk to about my process go into a form of defense and I was looking at it today as it happened again - I couldn't understand why all my friends and relatives say that they respect me but then when I show them the common sense of the desteni material they don't really go and investigate or ask me for some links or how to get started, they all have created an idea about desteni through one video that they saw and didn't like, and even though I'm not as pushy as I used to be, still people are rejecting, resisting and objecting what I say - today I was talking with my aunt, now, she has always been the person in my life that was working on herself, searching for the truth of reality, questioning authority, and so on, and I'm sure that part of the reason I could hear the desteni message is due to what I've learnt from her as a role model at an earlier age - and now I feel like I want to repay the favor in a way, I know that she will benefit so much if she were to walk this process, I feel responsible to show her the way, and support her through the transition if she chooses to take it - as of yet, she is not budging.

 

So today, as we were walking I questioned myself and my approach and my communication in regards to the desteni point and I realized that I have not been sharing my experience, I have always only shared information, and so what happens is that we end up having an argument, like a power game in regards to the information that we are sharing, each standing by their own "side", and I mean, why should they believe what I am saying about how things are, they know things are otherwise, so it goes back and forth and has no end, because we are talking about information…..

 

I know this is pretty basic, and I think I've actually seen this point before, but here I am, back at square one, realizing the same point over again, and maybe now I will actually learn from myself and apply myself differently to get different results that actually serve me and those around me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible towards others process from the perspective of it being my responsibility to expose them to the information so that they can make an informed decision as to walk the process to support themselves, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my eagerness to have others join and walk the process is a projection of actually wanting myself to walk the process, as if in a way if I "get someone in" it would compensate not walking effectively myself

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as an example, and within seeing the responsibility I have of sharing these tools and process of self support, and within realizing time and time again that sharing information is not the key, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility and actually apply myself in such a way that I can stand stable and proud within myself knowing that I am practicing first and speaking later, thus sharing my experience and self realizations rather than another belief system as another religion.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that each friend / relative that have been resisting / rejecting me and the information I expose them to, has been doing me a favor from the perspective of showing me that I am talking about information rather than actually speaking and being the living word, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to react towards my friends / family in anger and frustration when I couldn't get my point across, while missing the actual point of speaking from and as myself, and thus speaking as the living word as words I have actually lived and am living, not as an ideal but as an actual way of life.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that by speaking and sharing information I am leading us towards an argument of ego as both sides want to be right, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share information about desteni within the starting point of wanting to be right and wanting to show them and prove to them that my way is the right way, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want them to join and participate with desteni within a self interest starting point, as I want the "points" as recognition of bringing someone in the group, as well as wanting someone from my life that is walking the process as well as if to receive by than an external approval for what I'm doing

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that even though I present myself as wanting others to join desteni and walk their process for their own benefit, I am actually doing it from a self interest starting point, and the clear indication of that is my reaction within the situation, I realize that when I am clear from this starting point and am actually sharing within a supportive starting point, I could then just share that which I can, and expect nothing as a result, and thus experience no energy - in other words, the energetic experience is showing me that I am not clear within my starting point and that I am in fact acting within hidden self interest

 

When and as I speak about and share my process and see myself going into an energetic experience as frustration / wanting to be right / argumentative / insisting I stop myself and breathe, I realize that I'm doing so within a starting point of self interest and am speaking for my own ego and benefit, within this I realize that I cannot support another from a self interest starting point and thus I stop and breathe, I stop the "I want to be right" desire starting point within me, and communicate about the point only from stability, again, within realizing that I am not supporting anyone by doing so from a self interest starting point

 

I realize that only by living as an example can I ever really support others to change themselves, and thus I realize that being a living example of the principles of equality as what is best for all, means that I must start with myself through actually supporting myself daily with the tools of writing and self forgiveness and breath, as I get to know who I am as who I have allowed myself to become and change myself as I learn to better support myself to become an effective human being in this world, thus, when and as I see myself not speaking from my personal experience but instead speaking from a starting point of knowledge as an idea / belief, I stop myself and breathe, I prefer to be silent as I work to change and perfect myself first , and only when I can share my experience in a supportive manner do I speak about it, thus, not allowing myself to just speak for the sake of speaking but to be aware of the power and influence that my words have, and use them with awareness and care.

Day 208 - My dog ate my laptop’s power cord

Woke up a few days ago and found my laptop's power cord all chewed up, I've been living with my brother's 13 week old cute puppy so it wasn't a big mystery as to what happened… I got really mad and yelled at her, held her down with the broken cable in my hand showing her what she did was wrong, making sure she knew she'd been bad - but how could she have known? Did she know? All she does most of the time is chew on things - some things are her toys made for her to chew on and some are my shoes, the table, the sofa, socks, the staircase and cables, wire and cords - She is a puppy, that's what they do, they chew on things…

 

Looking at my reaction, It's clear that I'm more upset about the laptop's power cord being destroyed than I am when she chews on other things because of my relationship to my laptop - because I practically use it daily, so from that perspective I have to put many things on hold when I don't have access to my laptop, but I also got upset because I thought it meant that I would have to now spend time and money to replace it, and I know I can't afford not to, so I must do it now. I ended up spending a few hours going around from store to store in the are just to find out that I can't get it in the store because I have a unique power cord, and that I must get it online, which was a problem cause by now I didn't have any battery life left so my laptop was dead - but, the funny thing is, had I just bought it online instead of going all over the place and reacting for being hassled, it would have taken me 10 minutes, and it was actually very cheap - but because I reacted and made a big deal out of it, I got a big deal out of it while it wasn't really a big deal at all - if I had not reacted I would have phoned the places and have seen they don't have the proper size cord, I could have checked online to see what I am looking for and how much it costs and would have found out how cheap it was - bottom line is that my reaction took over and I couldn't from that point act practically and effectively, and so made it much harder for myself, and for the puppy, as my reaction was not pleasant for her, it was violent and abusive.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in violence and abuse towards the puppy because she had chewed on something that i perceive as valuable, I realize that nothing justifies a reaction of violence and abuse - when and as I see myself reacting in anger I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical body and breathe, I commit myself to only "educate" my dog within a starting point of stability and support and to not communicate with her from a starting point of anger as that comes out as the expression of violence and abuse.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value some objects more than others as I create different relationships with my things, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within energy when anything happens to any of the items that I value - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the value I have placed on things is related to money and thus it is not really my relationship to the thing itself but rather my relationship to money - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my relationship towards money and within this to allow myself to react with anger as the expression of violence and abuse due to the thought of now having to spend money on buying a new cord

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in blame towards the puppy as I blame her for being the cause of me now having to go out and buy a new cord, blaming her for wasting my time and money, while I have not allowed myself to take full responsibility for the event within for instance not making sure the puppy has enough chew bones to chew on, and that I have left the cord just laying around carelessly, within this I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the point of blame as a reflection of that which I judge and blame myself for as spending my own time and money recklessly, as I am not yet living every moment effectively and thus I waste my time, and I am not yet spending my money effectively and so I waste my money - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually make clear and direct decisions as to how to spend my time and money but instead I have allowed myself to be directed by emotions, reactions and distractions as the god of me as the deciding factor of what I spend my time and money on

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within reacting in anger towards the puppy I am teaching her and indoctrinating her into a world of energetic communication, and so I am responsible for her learning to use and abuse energy, thus, I realize that I must prevent myself from reacting with energy towards the puppy as with children, when we react with energy they then learn to use the energy as emotional manipulation, and so I am trapping her in that form of energetic communication by being an energetic role model - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the responsibility of teaching and training another being to exist and live in this world, and thus I have a responsibility to teach and train within stability and not indoctrinate another being to depend on energy and use energy within relationships and communication.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my reaction towards my brother's puppy is with more anger / energy than when my own puppy got in trouble, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have been bias towards puppies and within that I will tolerate my things being chewed only if it is done by MY puppy, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a condition as if to say that only in the condition that I am your favorite human and if you show that you love me the most , then it's ok for you to chew on my things and I will still love you and not build up resentment, but, if you are not MY puppy and you love another human more then me, then it's not cool that you wreck my stuff… lol.. It's the same with parents / children

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to favorite my own child / puppy and within that to tolerate their behavior while when others will behave in the same way I will react with energy as anger, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within myself and to give to all equally the same response as a response of support and consideration, within supporting them as myself to become discipline and to realize what is the most practical and effective behavior that will support all equally - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as an example of bias and inequality

Day 207 - Going to the bank and vocabulary

Today I went to the back and left feeling like I was run over by a truck and then a train…

I had to open an account and enquire about building credit - the bankers spoke to me and I had to have them repeat everything over and over because I wasn't familiar with the vocabulary, and so I had to understand these things for the first time on all levels of understanding - what does that word mean, how do I connect the meaning of the words to what they said earlier, how does all that new information and new concepts connect with the entire picture of what I need to be done.

 

I was there for about two hours, when, at a certain point, I just had to leave because I couldn't hear any more, I couldn't absorb anymore, I was blocked - they spoke and spoke and then asked if it made sense, and the only reply I had was "I don't know what you are talking about" I was completely out of it.

 

So, I see here two points - the first is, since I've become more aware of the importance of vocabulary - this scenario is what children experience at school, where they are bombarded with new information and terminology and vocabulary, that no body really takes the time to make sure that it is completely and entirely understood and integrated, and then they are bombarded with the relationships of this new information, while, if the base foundation, as the vocabulary is not in place then the next step seems impossible to grasp, and reflecting from my experience today, children must go into so many reactions such as feeling stupid, ashamed, confused, misunderstood, some might joke around to relieve the stress and tension as a coping mechanism, others might become angry / mad and get into trouble, and all this is based on simply not having an effective educational structure, nor effective communication, nor effective assessments of where a child is actually at - it would be cool if teachers knew how to communicate with children in consideration to where they are at, at the moment, because if we overload them with information that they can't take in - are we actually supporting them?

 

This leads to the second point of my reacting towards being in such a situation of not knowing the information, and having to learn it for the first time, being at the stage of concrete learning, where it is an actual effort to understand because the terms and relationships are not clear - I experienced shame, because I judged myself for not knowing these things "I should know this by now", I see now that being 33 and having no banking knowledge whatsoever is a consequence of not taking self responsibility and living in some form of dream land where things just happen and work out without me having to put in any effort in making things happen… I have taken money for granted all my life, and within that I allowed myself to create a resistance towards going to the bank, a resistance I "inherited" directly from my mother - now I'm at a point where I have moved to another country and I can't ask my dad to go to the bank for me, and I must start understanding all the details of my account and make informed decisions, I am now eating the fruits of my upbringing as my parents did everything to protect me from the outside world and unintentionally have help me become a weak and independent person.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react at the bank within an experience of information overload

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the experience of shame when I saw how little I know within the vocabulary and construct of the banking system

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience overwhelmingness at the bank and thus to shut myself off and not be able to hear anything, instead of remaining here in breath and continue listening and taking notes without allowing myself to go into a mind shut down

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that this vocabulary and information is new to me and thus will take some effort to understand fully, and instead I went into self judgment within an idea that I should have already known these things by now

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that allowing myself to become overwhelmed is now blocking me from hearing the new information that I am judging myself for not knowing, and thus, not supporting myself to improve the situation but instead maintaining the problem - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind as I go into overwhelmingness and thus am not able to be here and walk the practical physical steps of learning the new points / vocabulary of banking

 

I realize that when learning something new takes time and effort, and thus, when and as I am learning / faced with something new and see myself go into overwhelmingness I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, and that everything learnt is learnt one step at a time, I realize that only by pushing through the reaction of overwhelmingness will I emerge from the other side of the learning scale with a new understanding and vocabulary

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the self belief that I don't understand banking, and thus to expect from myself to become overwhelmed and so I prepare myself to not understand by accepting myself as the self belief as someone that doesn't understand banks, instead of letting go this idea of myself and allowing myself to approach it in a way that would best serve me and my understanding of the point

 

I realize that believing about myself that "I am not good with banks" is not supporting myself because it actually creates he problem as accepted limitation that I then live out, and so, when and as I see myself participating in the back chat of "I am not good with banks / these things" I stop myself and breathe, I realize that I have a choice whether to continue justifying my ignorance and maintaining it, or I can stop it and make a decision to learn and become aware and expand within this point that I have felt inadequate with, and to prove myself wrong, instead of always sabotaging myself to prove me as the mind, right.